Wednesday, December 18, 2013

The Critical Frog: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer


It`s finally December, which means it`s time for my favorite holiday of the year: CHRISTMAS! I freaking LOVE Christmas- it`s my favorite time of the year! About this time I feel overcome by the holiday spirit and feel the need to be nice to everybody, against my critical personality for the sheer spirit of Holiday Cheer. That even includes being nice to people I normally hate- through the sheer power of Christmas, I now only dislike them this month! Just goes to show you the power the holidays have over people. But this is a movie blog and you come for the criticism, so I`d like tot alk about another great part of Christmas: the holiday specials.

Lots of TV shows do a Christmas special at one time or another, and some even figure out how to tie in some story: Adventure ime took the opportunity to reveal a shocking backstory to a villain, Billy And Mandy used theirs to burn down a mall and fight vampires, Teen Titans Go showed us a typical Christmas for the Titans (complete with presents, Christmas dinner, and a reactor explosion), and even My Little Pony gave us a little insight into the history of Equestria. And then there are the holiday movies that the TV channels play on repeat. These are cute a few times, but after a while, they start to get REALLY annoying. Case in point, Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

This movie was based on the somehow popular but extremely catchy/annoying song of the same name. While it`s funny the first time around, it gets repetitive with time. The same with the movie. But it`s a Christmas staple by now, right? So how could I possibly dislike it? Kick back, grab a couple of candy canes (or as Starfire puts it, striped hooks) and some cocoa and find out.

The movie opens up in the Spankenheimer General Store in the middle of Cityville (really? Cityville? That`s worse than Townsville from the Powerpuff Girls), where Jake Spankenheimer (I`d like to spank the heimer of whoever came up with that dumb name) tells us about his Grandma and how awesome she is: she reads to kids in an elf costume, takes good care of her family, and really, really loves Christmas. These seem like typical Grandma things to do, but Jake seems to confuse them with acts of god. Jake is approached by a businessman, Austin Bucks (with a last name like that, you could have just named him `Lotsa`) with a proposition for Grandma. But she is busy reading, and Austin decides he too needs to wear a costume. He dons a troll outfit (that still looks more legitimate than the costumes from Troll 2, trolls or not) and talks with her when the book is done.

Austin wants to make Christmas easier for people by using his funds on expensive technology (which is a legitimate business decision when you think about it) and thinks Spankenheimer`s General Store is a perfect place to start. Grandma, clearly against big business, refuses. But the offer delights Cousin Mel Spankenheimer, a woman who fits every greedy villain stereotype ever existing, who wants to make a lot of money off of Mr. Bucks and the general store. Jake and his sister Daphne debate the existence of Santa Claus as Mel hatches an evil plan: she will sabotage Grandma`s apparently famous Killer Fruitcake with a substance that will make it uneatable, thus dropping Grandma`s sales and forcing her to sell the store (what about all the other things in the store? Just because she`s greedy doesn`t mean she`s smart). Grandma then takes the fruitcake home, having not taken her medications (like in the song). As Grandma Spankenheimer exits the house, Santa Claus comes crashing down and, you guessed it, accidentally runs over Grandma. Grandma disappears, and Cousin Mel finds a letter apologizing for the situation. Mel, being a greedy person, hides the important letter.

So about a year passes since the trampling of Grandma and everyone appears to be sad. Cousin Mel has a new evil plan and tricks the old senile Grandpa Spankenheimer into giving her control of the store. She attempts to sell the store to Austin Bucks, but Jake`s begging makes him feel guilty and give Jake another week to find Grandma. Jake decides to send Mr. Claus an E-Mail (apparently Santa has a public Email address) and encloses a picture of Grandma that he brings up by typing a few keys, which leads me to believe that in this world, there is a Grandma emoticon. Shortly after, Sant`s head elf, Jingles, arrives and offers to help Jake figure out what happened to his grandmother. Jake, clearly unfamiliar with the concept of stranger danger, happily agrees. Thankfully, Jingles is an actual elf and not a pedophile, so he has Jake hitch a ride on Santa`s sleigh and head to the North Pole to discover the fate of Grandma.

While they take a sleigh ride, a song plays about how people need to learn to share while Santa considers not having a Christmas. I kind of like the song because it explores a human emotion of greed and opinions on it, and how the poor are grateful for anything while the rich whine about not enough. It sort of works to play with the opinions of Mel and Jake, but I`d actually like the song a little more if it wasn`t in this movie. It`s a nice song.....what is it doing in this crapfest? Guess we`ll never know.


Jake and Jingles reach the North Pole, where it is revealed that Grandma is not dead- she has been in the North Pole all this time, and Santa has been taking care of her (wonder what Mrs. Claus thinks of that). Jake approached his grandma but unfortunately she has contacted amnesia due to the hooves in her face. Jake takes her back to Cityville (you know, I`m pretty sure there was a place in Powerpuff Girls called Cityville) and explains what happened, and the group works to thwart Cousin Mel`s evil plans. They meet Mel and her agent, I.M Slime (Seriously), who hatch a plan to kidnap Grandma. After Jake explains the situation to Mr. Bucks, they discover Grandma has gone missing, Mel and Slime plot to sue Santa, figuring he must have a lot of money (apparently they don`t understand the Santa mythos) on the charges of "Sleighhicular Negligence" (a kid-friendly version of Vehicular Homicide) while singing a terrible samba/conga song about suing the previously mentioned Mr. Claus. This song is short, but it`s really annoying. If I wanted to listen to Samba, I would have gone for "Day of The Dead". At least that had some actual Mexican culture references.


Jake discovers the cabin while the girls are away, rescues Grandma and finds the note Santa left a year earlier, along with an interesting find: a bottle of "Reindeer Nip", that was smuggled into Grandma`s fruitcake to get the reindeer to trample her (so Cousin Mel really based her plan on the existence and exact timing of Santa?). Jake manages to feed Grandma some of her fruitcake, which triggers her memories and cures her amnesia. But Mel and Slime prepare to sue Saint Nick, so they all head off to court. Jake`s reasoning proves triumphant, as he is able to force Mel to confess to her evil deeds. Mel is sent to jail and Grandma gains control of her store once more.

After the trial, Austin Bucks approaches Grandma. Touched by the Christmas spirit exerted by the family, he offers to ditch the idea of faster Christmas and has a different idea: If Grandma will accept it, Austin will open up a chain of Spankenheimer`s General Stores around the country (again, with all the business it gets, it`s a solid business decision). Grandma happily accepts the deal, but as she exits the scene, she makes a mistake and picks up the tainted cake, causing Rudolph to trample her yet again. But this time, Grandma doesn`t seem to be hurt (despite being trampled by 8 reindeer as opposed to 1) and brushes herself off. Santa says "Feliz Navidad" and flies off into the distance.

If you`re a speed-reader like me, you`re probably not even finished with your first striped hook, and you certainly haven`t finished your cocoa, if you have either of those with you right now. But besides that, what do I think of this?

OVERALL RATING: 3/10
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I guess it isn`t the most terrible thing I`ve seen. Don`t get me wrong, I don`t like it. It`s kind of annoying, Jake is a whiner, and most of the songs are pretty bad. Plus, I don`t like how they sort of portrayed Bucks as a bad guy: he was just doing business. As somewhat of a businessman myself, I can understand his motivation: by getting Christmas shopping over with via fast delivery, it makes it that much easier to prepare for the holiday so you have more time with your family. Perhaps Bucks understood that, and Jake did not. Either way, they could have just put it somewhere else. The character of the villain (she isn`t funny of likable in any way) also contributes to this film`s downfall, but overall it`s just a sketchy, trashy, standard-issue Christmas Special.

Why this song needed a backstory is beyond me, but it doesn`t do anything for the gimmick. Get me away from this film and point me towards 34th Street, please. I heard there`s a miracle happening there.


Saturday, December 7, 2013

The Critical Frog: In Search Of The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo

Wait, what did I just type?

So as people who follow my cousin Don Megalon on Youtube are aware, every year we have a showdown in our official family game Territory War, because our idea of family togetherness is to blow each other`s tiny stick people up with grenades, and every year we enact a penalty for the unfortunate loser, such as playing a game or watching a movie we wouldn`t normally play (my punishment if I lost was to play Slender last year). This year, my loss results in me playing a horror game of my cousin`s choice that I do not wish to mention, and I can`t possibly allow myself to play that. So I intend on crushing my cousin this year as I did last (our original confrontation can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NK1CIBW1l8&feature=c4-overview&list=UUeml9T_x0VQql_1WPF6AHFg)
. But why am I telling whoever reads this my personal holiday agenda when you come for the movie reviews?

Well, it just so happens that he has enacted a ban on little kid`s games (which happened to be his punishment last time we fought), so in accordance with my new blog, I`m forcing him to watch a terrible movie upon his defeat. And that terrible movie just so happens to be this...... thing. I`m not going to type that stupid title again, so let`s just call it... The 7 W`s.

This 45-minute sing-along appeared in 1985 (probably after alarmingly large doses of LSD) directed by and starring actor Tim Noah, who has aparrently won Emmys that are not mentioned on his IMDB page (probably because they`re regional Emmys) for songwriting and acting. Why he would want to make a drug-fueled landscape of songs, germs, a troll and Hitler is beyond me, but somehow he felt the need for it, and so In Search Of The Overly Long Title was born.

The flick really doesn`t have a story, so I guess I can just talk about the songs. I guess it has SOME, but not a ton. Anyway, let`s continue with the review, and Cousin, if you`re reading this, you know what to expect when I thrash you once again.

The movie starts when Tim Noah, dressed like Marty Mcfly for some reason, enters his purely white room and turns on his radio. The radio plays generic pop music as Tim dances, somehow managing to be the whitest thing in a completely white room. All of the songs and ads he hears on the radio have something to do with the word "Closet", and Tim begins to get suspicious. He approaches his closet armed with a hockey stick but finds nothing there, but the closet makes noises compelling Tim to check it again. When he does, the closet emits a loud sucking sound and sucks Tim into the closet (aparrently the movie went into Poltergeist territory here) and emerges wearing a jetpack and spaceman uniform as he rockets around his room while singing a song I`ve chosen to call "Tim Noah Doing Whatever He Wants". I say this because the first few lines are about pointless things Tim Noah does on a daily basis. But maybe they represent something that I`m not seeing. Maybe the thought of resisting conformity is clearly represented as... humming while Tim Noah chews his peanut butter sandwich, or making faces in the toaster. Or it may just be a stupid song.

While the song plays, we get some shots of space with toasters and sandwiches floating in the air, along with a floating closet. From the closet emerges a man with an afro in what looks like a military outfit, who I shall refer to as "Jewfro Hitler" (who apparently is Tim`s dad). Why Jewfro Hitler is in a children`s movie is beyond me, but the strangest part is that after his appearance, another Tim is taking a bath, and who should appear rising out of the tub but Jewfro Hitler, now sporting a sailor hat. These two never come up again, so I really don`t see the point.

After Tim sings about his imagination (so he imagines Hitler and a naked man in a bathtub with an inflatable shark?), he exits the closet and hears a phone ringing. Tim picks up every object in the room that he confuses with a phone, until a toy dinosaur rolls towards our hero. The dinosaur, which is revealed to be Tim`s imagination, tells Tim that his "mission" is to find the.... well, the thing in the title. The dinosaur then self-destructs, prompting Tim to sing another song, this time about how clueless he is about the.. thingy. Interestingly enough, he doesn`t actually say the entire name of the thing during the song: NOT EVEN THE HOST WANTS TO SAY IT. It`s too condescending even for the host!

Tim`s Imagination guides him to the Jungle, where he dons a safari outfit (a gorilla under his toy chest removes Tim`s pants to reveal jungle shorts for some reason) and sings multiple songs. The first is about what Tim thinks he would do if he were different animals. But you`re NOT all these different animals, Tim. You are a grown man. Act like one.

The second song has Tim stripping down to a toga (which nobody can convince me isn`t a man version of the Technicolor Tutu from Dragon Quest) and singing about how he wants to go live in the jungle, doing whatever he wants and raising a family of monkeys. As much as I want to make a joke about how Tim would have to procreate with a monkey, later in the song he replaces "monkey" with "rhino" for a family, opening himself up to an even worse joke. Picture it: Tim  Noah attempting to make love to a RHINOCEROUS. Much hilarity would ensue from that.

Tim is called back to reality by his mother, asking Tim how his lunchbox got smashed. Tim tells her that it got trampled by circus elephants, and somehow, his mother believes it (aparrently the stupidity coconut doesn`t fall far from the tree). But on his bed, Tim confides a secret in us: it was NOT  a marauding band of elephants, but by *gasp* the school bully. Now what was wrong with telling his mom that? She could probably tell the school about the problem or something, but I guess Tim decided it would be easier to sing about it. He sings about the bully, who is representes by two giant legs. But this may explain it: Tim, if you`re building giant replicas of the bully and singing about him, it`s kind of weird. And considering your dad is Jewfro Hitler, you don`t have that much street cred. As we see him attempt to fight back, you wonder if he`s not being bullied- Maybe he`s just getting beat up because he`s attacking the tall kid`s ankles for no good reason,. Also, I`m pretty sure a 30-something man doesn`t get picked on by a school bully.

Tim then gets depressed when he ultimately realizes he sucks at life, and sings a song (after all, we`ve only gone a few seconds without one) about being depressed and asking a tree what it sees (obviously the answer is, "a manchild talking to a cardboard cutout of a tree"). Tim`s imagination then randomly mocks Tim about giving up before getting to the good part. Wow, even the movie knows so far it`s been crappy.

But aparrently Tim`s imagination`s idea of 'the good part' is giving Tim magic powers. Most people would say giving a man child like Tim magic is a bad idea, but I recommend it because we all know he`d end up killing himself with them. Tim dons a wizard outfit and sings about his new magic powers. Tim also gets a giant wand that doubles as a rocket launcher (I reccomend this too, you know he`d kill himself somehow).

Tim complains to his Imagination that his room is messed up (it WAS you who messed up the room) and decides to be alone. Tim tells his imagination to screw off and decides to sing a song about the morning (even though it`s nighttime) and do a terrible impersonation of Charlie Chaplin.But in the middle of his song, the room goes dark and enters a part of the show I like to call the LSD part.

In the deepest layer of children`s entertainment hell, Tim sings about an encounter between troll Musty Moldy Melvin and heap of leaves Greasy Grimy Gertie, who decide to get together and dance for some reason. They are joined by critters straight from your nightmares. In all honesty, all of these things are creepy. I probably shouldn`t be watching this bit at 11:00 PM, but there you go. Tim gets mobbed by the creatures and winds up in a void.

In this void, he feels alone and decides to sing a song about the importance of friends that wouldn`t be out of place in My Little Pony and makes up with his imagination. They decide to continue the search for the.... thing, but Tim makes an astonishing discovery: The WWWWWWW is actually Tim and his imagination! Wait, WHAT?

I`m extremely disappointed with this: they promised us a thingy, and we didn`t even get that after 40+ minutes of musical randomness. This movie should have been called "In Search Of Myself" or something. Anything to change that god awful title.

Tim and his imagination reconcile and sing about how they are the WWWWWWW, as Tim goes downstairs and says the last lines of the film: "Let`s see.... what can I do with mashed potatoes?"

Um.... you can eat them. PLEASE just eat them.

After these fabled words, the door to Tim`s room mysteriously closes on it`s own, in a creepy ending to the movie.

So that was In Search Of The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo (DANGIT! I TYPED IT!). What do I think?

OVERALL RATING: 2.5/10
Well, yeah, I don`t like it. Tim is annoying, the scenery is poorly done, and some of the songs are bad. But on the other hand, the other songs are catchy, and it`s really hard to hate a movie that`s so joyful-minded: the movie displays NO cynicism whatsoever and is simply meant to appeal to kids. It`s very difficult to say the movie goes out of it`s way to be not cynical or sarcastic. I like this about the movie, but the rest sucks.

(UPDATE: Don has LOST out Territory war versus match. His punishment is now on Youtube, as is the showdown. Search `TGAMF and Don Riff`.)

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Critical Frog: Frog`s 7 Favorite Animated Shows


Kids see a lot of cartoons growing up. That`s just another part of being a kid. Animated cartoons are commonly seen by children on Saturday mornings- TV not meant to tell a lot of story so as to confuse people, but not meant to be a random collection of jokes either (okay, quite a few children`s shows are random collections of jokes). I remember watching my favorite cartoons all the time, and for good reason: I was a critic even when I was little, and these shows had a great balance of story and comedy- enough to entertain while also making sense. And for my first countdown list, I want to reflect on these shows and count out my 7 favorites. Note that some of these shows may come off as recent, but this is not just my favorites from when I was a kid. This is my favorite animated shows of all my life, and some will be recent while others are dated. Please note I dd not include the more adult cartoons (like Family Guy, The Simpsons, or South Park) because not only are they not meant to appeal to children as much, I really don`t find Family Guy or South Park that funny.

7: Codename: Kids Next Door
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Oh, man, this show was entertaining. Already off to a strong start.
Fo those of you who never watched it, this was a highly creative and clever show about a secret organization of children (The Kids Next Door) out to stop the plans of Adults threatening the common child activity. Every time I watched this, I saw very entertaining situations and highly diverse and interlocked characters.
The characters are what make the show work: you have all of the stereotypical kinds of kids (the girly-girl, the angry athletic dude, the smart guy, etc.) working and living together, while trying to balance their normal lives as children. The main characters, known in the organization as Numbuhs 1-5 (yes, that`s how it`s spelled in the show), juggle their secret agent jobs with regular family tasks, such as eating as a family, wearing a tie, or "Take Your Daughter To Work Day" (which Australian macho-man Numbah 4 is hilariously dragged into). Just this balance makes things entertaining, but the show has even more hilarity in the form of the villains.

All of the villains in the show are directly related to some form of adult work or kid problem, such as The Common Cold (a guy with constant allergies who shoots boogers and has a giant machine called the Flu Bug), Grandmother Stuffum (who is convinced every kid in the world is too skinny and wants to fatten them up), and Knightbrace (like Batman if he was a dentist). My personal favorite is the Toiletnator, who commits toilet-related crimes and can "flush" large bodies of water, such as the Grand Canyon (he did that once). Also worth mentioning are the great machines designed by the K.N.D and their adversaries: the machines are brilliantly created with planks, cords, and random household equipment (Girly-girl Numbah 3`s weapon is literally a teddy bear bazooka), and all look somewhat real while maintaining a fictional quality. Overall, it was entertaining, clever, and well-done.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
I`d have to either go with the one where The Adults take over the K.N.D hideout (and then get beaten up by The Toiletnator who thinks they are the kids in disguise), or the supermarket episode, where all the heroes and villains fight over the last box of Rainbow Munchies cereal. Take your pick.

6: Courage The Cowardly Dog
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What I really like about this show is the contrast it is to other shows on the list, specifically number 5. The dark humor and sometimes frightening images really worked to push what you can and cannot put in a cartoon to an extent that you can`t help but watch, out of either interest or pure horror.

The show is about Courage, a little pink dog who lives in the middle of the town of Nowhere with Muriel and Eustace Bagg, his senile owners. Strange things occur almost daily for the family, and it`s all up to Courage to save the old couple from dangers like an alien chicken, a clan of frogs (I can honestly say I had nothing to do with that), a crocodile puppeteer, and most notably, King Ramses (more on him later). The story, while somewhat repetitive, mixes frightning images and dark storylines with occasional humor in a good balance.

The frightening images and stories are what make the show. All humans have a desire to be scared (I enjoy a good scare sometimes, but mainly I`m a wuss), and this show gives you your fill: corpses, zombies, mutants and lunatics abound. Where my number 5 is happy and bright, this is dark and grimy. It really makes you feel terrified and entertained at the same time.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
This is a toughie. I really can`t pick the one I enjoyed the most, so I`m going to go with the two that scared me the most: The Great Fusili and King Ramses` Curse. There is some debate over which one is scarier, but that`s for another day. King Ramses himself is so interestingly made- he appears to stand out as a claymation-like figure in the animated world- that makes his appearance so terrifying. And that Voice, that awful voice.....
Fusili is definitely scarier if you`re older: Fusili turns the old couple into puppets, and he gets turned into a puppet by saying magic words (since Fusili said them on himself, it`s somewhat like suicide). After that, we see Courage at home-  like normal, but the couple are still puppets and Courage is playing with them. Think of it this way, now that you`re older- Eustace and Muriel are DEAD inside that puppet and Courage is PLAYING WITH THEIR CORPSES. Enough said for now.

(NOTE: Frog anticipates every bit of hate he will get for the next entry. Hate is expected and will be promptly dismissed as such. Thank you for your criticism, and I will remember it as I happily choose to ignore it.)

With that out of the way......

5: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
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I couldn`t resist.
I know that I`m going to get a LOT of crap for this, but let me just say again that I do not care. It`s a TV show that I enjoy and want to discuss. Got a problem? Don`t watch it. This isn`t exactly rocket science, people.

I know that there`s this huge argument in the world about the topic of "Bronies", male fans of MLP (yes, in advance, I am a brony), but that`s for another post. What I`m talking about here is the show itself, not the fandom, and let me say that it`s not exactly what people expect from a show designed to sell toys.

To be honest, the show is actually EXTREMELY well-made: the animation works well, the characters interlock with each other nicely, the morals are relevant and the episodes are entertaining. Designed by the same mind that came up with The Powerpuff Girls and Foster`s Home for Imaginary Friends, it`s a well-crafted series. The plot, about unicorn Twilight Sparkle (voiced by the same person who played Harley Quinn, Raven and Flashwing (my favorite Skylander), so she`s 4 for 4) and her friends having adventures and learning morals about friendship and goodness, is extremely popular due to the show`s planning and content.
As a fan of the show, I can understand why it gets such a good reputation. I really just see it as a very good show The characters are what make the show, and each of them is so diverse that when they interact, it`s almost always hilarious (most notably the evil lunatic hanging out with the kind and gentle pony- and getting bossed around by her), but like many shows on the list, the villians are what make this stand out: almost all of them are either threatening or hilarious (except Gilda The Griffon, but screw Gilda). Everything just goes so well together that you can`t help cracking a smile.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
Definitely the season 2 finale, "A Canterlot Wedding". Everything in this episode is great, from the planning to the interaction, and not to mention the musical numbers. The wedding episode showcases everything the show does right, and for bronies and random people alike, it`s a real treat to watch. But besides that? Probably any episode involving the chaotic bad guy Discord. Just watching this guy is hilarious, and the fact that he played another reality-twisting crazy person (as Q from Star Trek) just adds to the lunacy.

4: The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy
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And here we arrive at the big contenders. The shows I really loved watching when I was little, and may still watch today (I watched Billy and Mandy very recently in fact), and we`re kicking it off with a darker entry.
Where Courage was full-out scay most of the time (that or tear-jerking), Billy and Mandy sacrificed most of that fear for comedic effect while still retaining a gothic nature to extremely good results.
The show, about two kids who befriend the Grim Reaper, was extremely popular and got great reviews due to it`s contrasting elements (goth+comedy) and constant useage of the 4th wall. The show did a great job of renovating old beliefs of monsters and traditions, such as Dracula and the Boogeyman, and the two contrasting children and the aparrent friendship between them fuses in suprisingly well with the story. The wide array of characters also increases the hilarity of the story- honestly, it reminds me of Adventure Time nowadays- and the result of all this put together is pure dark comedy.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
There`s absolutely no contest: I`m going straight to Little Rock Of Horrors, where idiot Billy befriends a rock that comes alive and eats people`s brains. If you`ve ever seen any Billy and Mandy, this is the one you remember, and for one reason (the same reason that makes it my favorite): That awesome song, "Brains!", sung by Aurielo Voltaire, one of my favorite musicians. The haunting beat of the original song combines well with the gothic imagery and leads to a generally ass-kicking  sequence. Ironically, not knowing who Voltaire was at the time, I still loved the song, but now that I`m familiar with his other work, it makes me love the episode even more.

3: Batman: The Animated Series
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This is easily the best Batman-related thing ever, and anyone who has seen this show is probably going to agree with me. In fact, I regard it as one of the best cartoons ever, as well as one of the best superhero cartoons (there's one more, and it's a big one) of all time.
Much like other shows on the list, this show mixed dark elements with comedy and story to create a great series. Bruce Wayne (Batman) is realistic as he acts as a superhero and billionaire, flirts with Selina Kyle (Catwoman), and beats people up. The realism of Bruce makes this series fantastic already, but much like everything else, it's the villains that make this work.
The classic Batman villains, like the Joker, are brilliantly redesigned while maintaining their original personalities in an act of classic animation, while new villains help balance the mix. Most notable of these new villains is the Joker's sidekick Harley Quinn, but many greats appear in the series. This show also adds back stories to some older villains like Mr. freeze (this backstory was so well-received that everyone uses it, even that crappy Batman And Robin movie). The blending of old and new, the gothic atmosphere, and the action mixed with quirky comedic moments male this Batman stand out beyond all the rest.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
Tricky one. I love a lot of the episodes, but I`m going for a certain category: the episodes that focus on villains, wether it be the origin story or a little adventure. Personal favorites include the episodes where The Penguin and Harley Quinn try to reform and enter society, or the dark and sad origin of Mr. Freeze, or even the one where Batman has to team up with Harley to stop Joker. But I`d have to say my favorite of the category is "Almost Got `Em", where Joker, Penguin, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, and Killer Croc play cards and swap stories about how they almost whacked the bat. The villains acting like any old poker crew is hilarious, and the stories are entertaining. Just a little insight into a villain`s social life can be a great episode of a great series, if you know how to do it.

Speaking of Superheroes......


2: Teen Titans (The original, not the new cartoon version)
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Teen Titans holds a special place in my heart as the first show I became a true fan of. I grew up with this show, and it`s never left me. I remember sitting on the couch when I was little and watching the Titans being the highlight of my week. That`s right, this is the first show The Critical Frog ever loved.

Even though it stopped airing on Cartoon Network, I remember the show fondly: a band of teenage superheroes band together to beat up evil and do teenager things. It seems like a simple premise, but keep in mind Batman was the same, but with... well, Batman.

This show was PHENOMENAL in my opinion: it had a dark, underlining story that was brilliantly woven under memorable villains and characters. The characters themselves were extremely likable and went together well (most notably the "friendship" between the two female Titans).

But what really made the series work was the sub-plots and how they interwined: every character has something they hide or are worried about, and all of them directly tie in with the story at one point or another. While even the stronger Titans have weaknesses (half-robot Cyborg`s machine tendencies clash with his hopes for a normal life, and a main villain takes advantage of that), it`s nice to see everyone with flaws, unlike some absolutely perfect superheroes like Superman ]. My favorite subplot is the one of my favorite character, dark and gloomy Raven, who ends up being the key to unleashing a giant demon on the universe (who turns out to be, surprise, a main villain).

And yet again, the series gets a lot of help from the villains, which may or may not be the best part. Teen Titans balances dark and serious plots and enemies with laughable moments. For every serious villain you had someone laughable. The surprising realism of some villains (especially prime antagonist Slade, who has no powers and can`t defeat any titan in combat except for Robin) mixes together well with the joke villains. The joke villains, such as a witch who brainwashes people with pies (and gets the goth girl into a bright yellow dress, an act I will forever commend her for), a magician with the voice of The Ice King from Adventure Time (he has the skin to match), a cranky British guy who once turned New York into a replica of England, and a fat nerd, Control Freak, with absolutely no powers but being somewhat intelligent (and yet he somehow almost beats the Titans). I love every villain in the bunch, and that makes the show that much better.

The balance of the show is amazing, and while things get a little confusing at the end, it`s still a great show. The new cartoon`s okay too, but that`s for another time. Teen Titans rules. Enough said.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
This is probably one of the most difficult ones to pick. I really like all the gag episodes, the ones that just make you laugh and don`t do much for the story. Personal favorites include "Revolution", where Mad Mod (the cranky British guy) turns the city into a replica of England and makes a lot of English comedy references (there`s even a Monty Python and the Holy Grail joke), or "Don`t Touch That Dial", where Control Freak sucks everyone into the world of TV, which of course is chock-full of TV show-themed jokes (at one point Raven literally yells to the viewer, "THIS STUFF ROTS YOUR BRAIN!"). But I think the one I really love is "Bunny Raven, or... How to Make a Titanimal Disappear" (yes, that is the title) where the evil magician turns Raven into a rabbit and sucks all the Titans into his magic hat. The other Titans turn into animals (and a lamp) and what follows is pure, unbridled comedy. The episode sacrifices story just for the sake of screwing around, and what follows is brilliantly hilarious. There`s even a Statler and Waldorf (those guys from The Muppets who shout insults) cameo. The whole thing is just perfect in it`s lunacy. It`s brilliant. Just brilliant. But this may make you wonder- if the show I`m saying is so awesome is only 2nd, then what the heck came in 1st?

1:Avatar: The Last Airbender
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The answer is this. THIS came in first.

For those of you who don`t know what this is, remember that crappy M. Night Shyamalan movie "The Last Airbender"? Yeah, that was terrible. Just about one of the worst pieces of cinema ever, But the series it was based on is this. And it`s absolutely beautiful.

I mean, WOW. Whoever made this series really outdid themselves. I really love this show, and every part of it seems to be doing something right: the characters are great, the story is well-made and episodic, and the comedy balances with the seriousness much like Teen Titans. If the Titans made any mistakes, this is what corrected them and added a heaving dose of awesome.

The show is about Aang, the last Airbender (a guy who has control over air) as he gains allies and goes on a quest to defeat the Fire Lord Ozai before he gains  ultimate power, is somewhat straightforward but complex: Aang must learn how to control each of the 4 elements (Water, Earth and Fire in addition to his Air) before fighting the king of fire. Watching the character grow and change as he controls the elements and copes with the fact that he is the last of his people is a nice change from most shows, and the supporting cast balances the character well.

The supporting cast includes Katara, a teenage girl with motherly tendencies who controls water, Toph, a blind girl who controls earth by feeling it with her other senses, Sokka, Katara`s brother who has no powers but being hilariously derailing, and eventually Zuko, the prince of fire. When the other characters interact, it leads to intense and sometimes hilarious setups as they survive daily life.

Also important are the few villains, such as Zuko`s crazy sister who can control lightning (since it`s somehow a form of fire) or the fire lord himself. But in a rare case on this list, the heroes are more interesting than the villains. These characters are so three-dimensional that you wish they were real.

Everything about this show is nearly perfect. Every little bit. I firmly believe that this is the best cartoon in the history of cartoons. If I leave this post with any advice, it`s to watch this. Heck, go watch all 3 seasons. I guarantee you won`t be disappointed. It`s a somewhat shorter series than say, Teen Titans or My Little Pony (which has just begun it`s 4th season), it`s 3 seasons of pure, unbridled greatness.

FAVORITE EPISODE:
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This is by far the hardest, but I like the episodes that diverge from the main story and expand on the daily lives of the characters (like Toph using her earth powers to cheat at gambling to get money). As mentioned in the Batman discussion, a look into the minor character`s lives is great when you do it well, and it`s all done well here. Episodes I really like are when Katara learns of a forbidden art, bloodbending (since blood is water, technically) or the random travels of Aang`s flying bison steed Appa (there`s an entire episode of him flying around doing whatever he pleases). But my favorite is the one (I forget the name) that shows a day in town for each of the characters: Katara and Toph go do girl things, Aang tries to use his powers, and in the finest moment, Sokka gets into a haiku contest with some geishas and loses horribly. It`s a Tour De Brilliance, much like the entire show.


So that`s the TV shows I love. I`ll probably write more about them (especially the Teen Titans VS. Teen Titans Go and Ramses Vs. Fusili debates), but this is all for now.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Critical Frog: Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band (The Movie)

While it may seem out of person, I occasionally listen to music OTHER than darker songs (sorry, Voltaire), specifically the work of the popular Beatles. The band mates worked extremely well together during concerts and album recordings, and created some of my favorite songs, such as "Hey Bulldog", "Revolution" and "Here Comes The Sun" (for shame).. So when my father (over at writingwithscissors.blogspot.com) told me there was a movie based on one of my favorite albums of all time, "Sargent Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band", and that it was terrible, I knew what I had to do.

I`ll be honest: this is NOT the worst movie I`ve ever seen. But it comes close: the somewhat bland characters, unresolved plot points, and random song numbers contribute to this movie`s downfall, but it the ending that drives it over the cliff. This is BY FAR one of the DUMBEST endings I`ve ever seen in any movie ever. But let`s move to the backstory:

The movie is about Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band, 4 guys with odd hair, as they climb the charts of the record industry and try to save their hometown from real estate marketing via the hands of Mean Mr. Mustard (from the Beatles song of the same name) with guest appearances by Alice Cooper, the band Earth Wind And Fire, Billy Preston, Aerosmith and Steve Martin set to their own versions of Beatles music . If it seems like a bad setup now, just wait. 

For starters, the band isn`t played by the Beatles. Let`s just get that out of the way. This movie came out 4 years after the band broke up, and stars the Bee Gees (really) as the aforementioned band, with Peter Frampton as lead singer Billy Shears. We get a story behind the original Sgt. Pepper and his patriotic band playing during wars, told to us by the mayor of Heartland (the hometown of the band), Mr. Kite, again from the Beatles song. Sgt. P was so popular in the town that they established a golden weather vane designed to look like him (this seems insignificant, but wait for the ending). The original Sgt. Pepper was given a medal for service to the country, and upon his death, it is given to his grandson, Billy Shears (much to the dislike of his OTHER grandson Dougie), who then continues to carry on the legacy of his granddad by forming his own version of the band. The new Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band sings the Beatles song of the same name (Sgt. Pepper`s/With A Little Help From My Friends) somewhat well, and then we delve into the plot: the 4 bandmates (and Dougie Shears, now the band`s manager) get a record deal and are invited to go to the record company to make it. They depart, but not before Billy says goodbye to his girlfriend Strawberry Fields (how subtle. What song is she going to sing, "I Am The Walrus"?). The group leaves on a balloon (which randomly stops in a field so the band can go board a jet plane instead). The group arrives at the recording station and is immediately hit on by a group of women to the tune of "I Want You/She`s So Heavy" that goes on for an uncomfortably long 10 minutes. Wow, guys, it was hard enough for me to listen to that song in the first place, and you somehow made it a bit worse. (NOTE: I do not hate the Bee Gees or the Beatles. I just don`t like the song.)

The group, seduced by wine and women, agree to the record company`s contract (primarily due to the demands of Dougie and his apparent money obsession) and go on tour. They play "Good Morning, Good Morning" and have many montages of them playing and relaxing. But we also see Strawberry sad because Billy has kissed other people, including some lady named Lucy, who sings "Lucy In The Sky", appropriately enough. 

Meanwhile, we see the evil real estate agent (not that real estate agents aren`t evil already) Mean Mr. Mustard hanging out in his van with two robot women. 
 He is suddenly contacted by a mysterious voice in his computer that commands him to steal Sgt. Pepper`s instruments from the Heartland town hall, which are apparently magic instruments that bring happiness to the town. He takes the instruments to various locations of danger: the trumpet to Dr. Maxwell`s clinic (hmm, I wonder what song we will hear there?), the Tuba to Father Sun`s temple, keeps the drum for himself, and takes the saxophone to the record studio (where the computer says he is waiting) all to a techno remix of the "Mean Mr. Mustard" song. I`ll admit, the song isn`t too bad, but the random plot seems to be just an opportunity to squeeze a lot of music in with no character development whatsoever.

With the town`s happiness gone, Mr. M proceeds to build all over it. Strawberry escapes and goes to tell the Lonely Hearts about the dastardly deed, but not before dragging them out of a recording session to tell them and kissing Billy before she does. The gang hijacks Mr. Mustard`s van somehow and sets off on the grand adventure to reclaim the lost instruments and save their hometown.

The band starts their odyssey at the clinic of Dr. Maxwell, played by Steve Martin. Mr. Kite the narrator (yeah, he`s still in this) explains that he has the power to completely turn old and ugly people into young and beautiful ones,ue to his magical silver hammer (It`s never explained how he can tap them with the hammer and turn them young, so I`m using the `magic` card). Of course, we get the obvious song number: "Maxwell`s Silver Hammer" sung by Steve Martin. In all honesty, this is probably my favorite part of the movie: the odd medical setting combines the hammer imagery with the song, and combined with the erratic singing style of Steve Martin playing a crazy doctor, it turns out to be a hilariously enjoyable scene. The group attempts to swipe the trumpet but get into a fight with Maxwell and his 3 nurses. The supporting bandmates get beat up pretty easily, but Billy and Maxwell fight longer than the others: Maxwell pins Billy down and tried to hit him with his Silver Hammer (really, all that would do is turn him younger and better-looking, though, so why worry?), but Billy fights him off and the 4 escape with the trumpet. How did the other 3 escape the nurses? You will never know.

The group discovers the drum hiding in Mr. Mustard`s van and proceeds to the temple of Father Sun, who is played by Alice Cooper of all people. Mr. Kite tells us that Father sun is brainwashing people that Dr. Maxwell makes young because they want to take over the world with a mind-controlled army of people in scout uniforms with absolutely no weapons whatsoever. Aparrently to do that the subjects must watch a video of Alice Cooper singing "Because", primarily due to the fact that watching enough Alice Cooper singing bad songs would make anyone hungry for war. The band attacks Father Sun and reclaims the tuba, but Billy loses a battle with a circut box and is shocked into a coma. Back at the van, Strawberry revives him by singing "Strawberry Fields Forever" (of course), and the group decides to go head back to the record company.

Back at the record company, Dougie tells the manager that he has an idea to raise money. If the manager will sponsor a music festival there, it will rake in the cash AND save Heartland from real estate. Dougie gets the group and they all head back to Heartland for the grand finale. 

So by now, you probably notice something off about the story: THEY FORGOT AN INSTRUMENT. What about the saxophone, guys? What about the mysterious computer voice? Aparrently we don`t get to resolve that plot point because they wanted even more music.

Saxophone aside, we see the group watching Earth, Wind and Fire (a band) perform a Beatles song (a decent one at that) while Strawberry hangs around by the popcorn machine. Meanwhile, Dougie and Lucy from before make out on a bed and then steal all the money from ticket sales. Mr. Mustard then captures Strawberry, Dougie and Lucy and takes them to Dr. Maxwell and Father Sun, where the 3 will be brainwashed into more servants for the evil army.

The Lonely Hearts catch up to the bad guys, who have tied the 3 captives up and are preparing their master plan: to brainwash everyone with (you guessed it) a Beatles song. This time it`s "Come Together" (how is that evil again?)  played by the evil band.... Aerosmith. No joking. The deadly band meant to mind control everybody in the world is played by a band that at one point DID rule the music industry. The group (all in Boy Scouts uniforms ) comes dangerously close to hypnotizing the captives, but the band shows up and beats the tar out of Aerosmith. Sgt. Pepper's Band stops the evil plot, but Strawberry is somehow killed in the process. 

The group returns home, having lost a friend but won a battle, and hold a funeral for Strawberry Fields to the tune of (appropriately enough) "Carry That Weight".  The group returns to her house, now torn down by eat estate, and mourns her death. Billy feels terrible and considers committing suicide. He stands on the roof of the house and begins to throw himself off, but just as he does, the Sgt. Pepper weather vane on the town hall spins rapidly, moving as if it was possessed, and suddenly......

THE FREAKING THING COMES TO LIFE AND MAKES EVERYTHING OK. Played by Billy Prescott, the vane uses some kind of Weather Vane Magic to stop Billy from killing himself, save Heartland from real estate, brings Strawberry back to life, and even turns Mr. Mustard into THE FREAKING POPE. Suddenly everything is OK: the town is happy, Strawberry is alive, the bad guy is the Pope, the works. This is definitely one of the dumbest endings I`ve ever seen: how did the weather vane come to life? How does it possess magic powers? Did he somehow change Mr. M`s attitude into something more...Pope-like? How did he bring Strawberry back to life? And what about the missing instrument and the mysterious computer? We aren`t getting an answer for any of this, so let`s just hear the closing credits, in which a lot of celebrities and the stars arrange themselves into the famous image from the cover of Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This movie is bad. Definitely bad. But it has some decent parts: when the songs and the singers line up perfectly with the scenes, It can work very well with the music in the background at times ("Carry That Weight" and the funeral scene go together well), and as I mentioned, I absolutely love the Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell bit. But the movie suffers a LOT from the bland characters (only Billy has a defining characteristic, and that`s that he likes Strawberry), bad writing, unresolved plots (we never figure out what happens to the bad guys or Dougie), and of course, that downright retarded ending. It`s not the WORST movie I`ve ever seen, per se (bear in mind, I haven`t reviewed some of the terrible junk I`ve seen) , but it`s still really bad. 

OVERALL RATING: 3/10
It`s really bad. Songs are okay. Steve Martin rules. Crappy ending. Enough said.
Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band? More like Sgt. Pooper`s Crappy Ending Film.


(Note: I do NOT hate Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band. As mentioned in the review, I love the album. Same with the Beatles in general. It`s a bad movie is all.)

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Critical Frog: Troll 2

I'll be honest: I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I just don't see the big deal over why everyone loves the slasher movies that are so common nowadays: movies like the Texas Chainsaw Masacre and Saw and the like never did much for me. I prefer the other kind of horror: suspense. Where the fear slowly builds unseen until it comes out in full force with it's teeth in your throat (The Shining, for example, is one of my favorite movies). And although I don't care too much for scary movies, I know a good movie when I see one. And Troll 2 is NOT a good movie. Not at ALL.

This is considered the very bottom of the barrel of horror movies: it's stupid, the costumes are ridiculous, the story makes no sense,it's not scary, and most notably, It doesn't actually have any trolls in it. That's right, Troll 2 has absolutely no trolls in the entire hour and a half movie: our antagonists are GOBLINS.Right off the bat, you can tell this is a bad movie just by that sentence. but at least this movie has an excuse: the director, Claudio Fergasso, and most of his cast were all Italian and didn't speak English. They all had to learn their lines in a language they didn't know (what is it with Italians and bad film?), and that explains the line reads, but that doesn't excuse the horrible acting.

Claudio Fergasso insists to this day that Troll 2 is a masterpiece, but that's hard to see. for starters, this movie technically isn't a sequel to Troll (also a terrible movie) at all. But hey, it's got this enormous fandom circling around it. It's even more popular than the original Troll. It's a sequel in it's own right. With that said, let's take a look at the absolute worst scary movie of all time (really,Fergasso? No trolls?)

The film opens with a family preparing to swap houses for the summer with a family living in the town of Nilbog (seriously) . The youngest child, Joshua, is contacted by the spirit of his dead grandfather (out of nowhere), who warns the kid that Nilbog is home to vegetarian goblins who seek to turn people into plants so they can eat them. naturally, the right thing to do would be to contact one of the adults who can stop the trip, gramps, but your call. Joshua's sister's boyfriend decides to tag along to Nilbog too, because at least 1 moron needs to die in horror movies.

When the family arrives, they see that the family from Nilbog has left an all-vegetable meal for the group to eat. Joshua's dead grandpa arrives and stops time to warn Josh that the food is coated with a potion that will turn everyone into plant goo that the trolls can eat. Naturally, when time unfreezes, Josh does the most logical thing in the situation: pisses all over the food (still not making things up). He pulls down his pants and urinated all over the meal, thus rendering it inedible. Joshua is sent to his room, and his dad proceeds to yell at him about how you can`t "piss on hospitality". In all honesty, this was so poorly written that I can`t help laughing at it. Just like the next part of the movie:

A kid named Arnold and some girl find a church that turns out to be the hideout of the queen of the Goblins- Creedence Leonore Gielgud who gives the 2 kids the potion that turns humans into plants. Creedence and her goblins begin to eat the girl, and Arnold utters the most famous part of the movie: the `They`re eating her.....and then they`re going to eat me` lines. Even if you haven`t seen Troll 2, you`ve probably seen this clip: it`s been seen on Youtube over 4 million times and used as a joke in lots of videos. Another kid attempts to rescue "Oh My God Dude", but OMGD dies in the process.
The goblin costumes, might I add, are horrible: they look like midgets with rubber Halloween masks and burlap sacks. Just another bad feature of a bad movie.

The dead grandfather finally decides to show himself to someone else- the sister (of course, still not the obvious) and tells her what`s going on as well. Joshua, acting on his grandfather`s orders, destroys all the food in the house to hopefully make the family leave Nilbog. But all that does is make Josh`s dad take him to the general store to buy breakfast. They find the store closed, and Joshua wanders off and discovers a church where the Goblin pastor is giving a speech on the evils of meat. The goblins find the hiding Joshua and grab him. They attempt to feed him ice cream that is mixed with the goblin posion (although it looks less like ice cream and more like goblin splooge, if such a thing exists), and Joshua resists and screams until his dad comes and the goblins are forced to let Joshua go. And of course, the dad only finds it Mildly upsetting that the strangers in this town have grabbed his child and attempted to force-feed him goblin sperm. I think at this point ANY dad would find something upsetting about that little scenario.

Joshua and his dad get back to the house to see that the goblins have thrown the family a party in another attempt to get them to eat. The family decides that things are officially starting to get creepy as Joshua runs upstairs to contact his dead grandpa. Joshua is attacked by goblin queen Creedence, but Dead Grandpa comes out of nowhere and chops her head off, causing her to retreat for a little while. Josh and Dead Grandpa run down to the party to stop anyone from eating, but they are met by the goblin preacher from before, who attempts to banish Dead Grandpa to Hell (even though Dead Grandpa clearly said he went to Heaven). But Dead Grandpa has magical Dead Grandpa powers (as Dead Grandpas are commonly known to have) and shoots a lightning bolt at a convienent molotov cocktail near the preacher, killing him and turning him into his true goblin self. Dead Grandpa disappears and the family barricades the household.

Meanwhile, Creedence uses her magical goblin powers (second only to magical Dead Grandpa powers) to turn into a teenage girl and seduce the dude remaining in the RV (the guy who tried to rescue Oh My God Dude) with an ear of corn. They begin to have sex in a shower of popcorn (aparrently magical Goblin Powers apply to heating vegetables) as the man is left paralyzed as goop. This neutralizes the family`s only hope of escape, and they fear for their lives inside the house.

The family holds a seance to contact the spirit of Dead Grandpa. He appears, but tells the group he can only stay in the mortal world for 10 more minutes (due to the magical forces of Plot Convienence). The goblins break into the house and kidnap Joshua, but not before Dead Grandpa hands him a backpack that he says contains the only weapon able to fend off the monsters. He opens it and discovers... a bologna sandwich.

A FREAKING BOLOGNA SANDWICH? That`s our magical weapon of awesomeness? Clearly, the goblins are doomed. Seriously, though, Dead Grandpa, if you wanted to make a sandwich be your weapon, at least make it like the one from Team Fortress 2. At least that one healed you or your medic. This is a freaking bologna sandwich (yes, I know it can be typed baloney, but I thing bologna sounds funnier).

Joshua eats the sandwich, which apparently makes the goblins unable to eat him due to the meat in his body. He proceeds to the magical Stonehenge Magic Stone (the source of all the goblins` power) and with his family touches it, destroying it and all of the  goblins.

The family finally goes home and Joshua`s mother decides to eat some of the food in the fridge (left there by the exchange people, who might I add are goblins) and turns into a plant. Then, some remaining goblins enter the room and devour the mother, all while Joshua is screaming in the corner. (after THAT excursion, I would just pitch the entire fridge) Joshua is offered a piece of his own mother to eat by a goblin (apparently they forgot he was kind of behind killing their entire race) and the movie ends.

To be perfectly honest, I love this movie, but not for the typical reasons: this movie isn`t horrifying. It isn`t scary, it isn`t creative, the characters are bland, the story makes no sense, and the costumes are terrible. It`s got to be one of the worst movies ever from a critical standpoint. But from a different point, I like it for what it isn`t supposed to be: THIS MOVIE IS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Every scene is so poorly acted and terribly planned that you can`t help laughing.  It`s so bad it`s funny.

Overall Rating: 2/10

Troll 2 only gets points for the unexpected humor of the thing. It`s just so terribly awful that you can`t help enjoying it. If you don`t think it`s unintentionally funny, it`s absolutely horrible. I`ve never seen a scary movie so terrible, but so magically wonderful at the same time. Troll 2 is more of an experiment in film to me than a movie: the perfect example of a terrible movie.

I`ve heard that Claudio Fergasso is going to make a sequel (hilariously named Troll 2: Part 2) to this awful piece of junk. All together now:

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Critical Frog: Titanic-The legend goes on... (OR Titanic: The Animated Musical)

The Critical Frog: Titanic (The Animated Musical)
I recently had a chance to sit down and watch James Cameron`s Titanic, and let me say, it was one of the finest movies I`ve ever seen. It`s amazing: it`s a good account of the disaster, it`s touching, the scenes are memorable, and it`s generally a great film. So when I heard that there were other Titanic movies, I had mixed feelings: I wasn`t sure whether they were going to be worth a movie night for.  And boy, was I right to worry about that: I finally found another Titanic, but it wasn`t exactly what I expected. For one thing, it was a MUSICAL.

The fact that an animated movie about the Titanic exists is confusing enough, let alone the fact that It happened to be a musical, so this comes off as bad without even seeing the film. Titanic: The Legend Goes On is a peculiar flick for kids made by an Italian movie group (that fact that I`m part Italian makes me ashamed) attempting to tell the children of the world about the tragedy aboard the H.M.S Titanic with singing mice and a rapping dog. I am not making any of that up.

The movie is already noted for it`s extremely negative criticism- it is seen as one of the worst animated movies of all time- and it`s easy to see why : the movie has more subplots than Les Miserables and none of them get resolved, the characters are very 1-dimensional, and the fact that there is a rapping dog in a movie about the sinking of the Titanic does not help matters. So I was not exactly thrilled about watching this. But after watching, I discovered that this was not just a bad movie: it was a TERRIBLE movie. It`s probably one of the worst movies I`ve ever seen (right up there with Garbage Pail Kids... yes, I went there). With that said, let`s begin the review, so I can show you why this movie deserves to be the ship sinking in Voltaire`s "To The Bottom Of The Sea" album (with the exception that those songs are good, unlike the ones in this piece of crap).
Oddly enough, this movie begins begins with showing the survivors of the famous sinking rowing the life boats, which would be fine if they didn`t show it WHILE THE SHIP IS SINKING. We have one of the most dramatic scenes in cinema-the unsinkable ship sinking- and you focus on the people rowing the boat. Let this be a warning sign of the contents of the rest of the film: focusing on 1 thing when something much more important is happening in the background.

Because there clearly isn`t anything else going on right now.
The character has a flashback to the events of the ship, and so our story begins.
The flashback starts out with female lead Angelica (what was wrong with Rose?) being talked to by her evil stepmother and stepsisters as she stares at a locket. The locket aparrently has a picture of her mother in it that the sisters mock her over. The group is on a train leading them to bard the- you guessed it- the Titanic for a liesurely cruise. After this scene, we see 3 criminals bouncing along in a poorly-animated jalopy: two henchmen and what looks like a poor man`s version of Cruella DeVille. We then see a family of mice with Yiddish accents (who look kind of like the mice from An American Tail, but not as tear-jerking) board as well as seeing a man ogle a female with dalmatians. The man is Gaston, secretary to our male of the story, William (again with the name changes...what was wrong with Jack?) . Also boarding the boat fated for disaster are a cat, a magpie and a dog, along with a band of Mexican Mice.  But we`ll get back to them later.

After everyone is aboard the ship, Angelica ponders if she will ever find her long-lost mother (of course she will, it`s a kid`s movie) while the stepmother abuses her: one of the stepsisters drops a tea cup on the floor and forces Angelica to pick up all the pieces (I`m pretty sure that`s just Tourettes Syndrome). And here is where it starts to go from `odd movie about the Titanic` to `An hour and a half of different cartoons taped together called Titanic`.
We see the Yiddish mouse family unpacking as they are attacked by a cat and a chihuahua (who never got any introduction or backstory). The mice recoil in fear only to be saved by the dog. The mice ask what they can do to save the herioc dog..... and he pulls on a jersey, a cap, takes out a boombox..... and starts rappping. I am DEAD SERIOUS.

This is, hands-down, the worst part of the movie: it`s dumb, comes out of nowhere for no reason, it`s tacky, and has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. I see absolutely nothing good about this scene. If you can fit in a perfectly good explanation as to why a rapping dog is in a movie about the Titanic, you are not sane.
Moving on, we see a subplot about the criminals mentioned earlier being jewel thieves being chased by a detective. Although the thieves probably don`t need a detective to get them.... they get their plans foiled all the time BY A DOG (thank god it doesn`t rap). When the dog goes away, they enter the room of a woman to rob her, but fail horribly. Aparrently that was worth a paragraph.
So the boy, William (the movie seems to have forgotten he was in the story) talks with his Nanny (I think he`s a little too old for one) about his dreams and his Nanny wonders if `her little girl` is OK (Seriously, take a wild guess who it is, you`re probably right). William walks out of the room and bumps into Angelica, and it is there that their eyes meet and they fall in love. And then Angelica leaves and we get back to the story.
By now, I think I`ve figured out some patterns with the movie:
-Everyone needs their own scene, including the rapping dog
-Pretty= good person, Ugly=Total jerk
-Love at first sight only applies on boats, and only between pretty people
And this is kind of role reversal from the original movie: it`s a rich boy and a poor girl instead of the opposite from the original. But again, what did that James Cameron guy know?

William talks with his Nanny about the girl he just met (she only said 1 sentence to you....) and then comes across a kid who`s ball just fell down a deck (clearly this is the worst thing that will happen on this excursion). Willian offers to go retrieve the ball and, of course, runs into Angelica. They dance a bit and William asks Angelica to go to the dancing area of the ship with him (what about the ball? I actually care about the ball more than I care about the plot!). But Angelica has nothing to wear, so she goes to a random passenger and she gives Angelica a dress to wear with some magical disappearing green gloves (they`re there in a few scenes and not in others).
After this, we see the animals on the ship looking for Angelica`s locket (she lost it earlier, but it`s not entirely clear when). But in this scene you can see some of the problems with the movie: the animals have no personality. They just seem like stock characters designed to appeal to children (which they are), but it would be nice if they gave these characters a few distinctive qualities. Half the time, they just make random noises.

Pictured above: Boring mice, a boring bird, and a boring rapping dog.
The animals manage to get the locket and return it to Angelica in time for her to show up and dance with William = During the dance, Angelica flashes back to the good times they had before the dance (all 2 of them), strangely. Didn`t the movie start with flashing us back anyway? Are we... flashing back in a flashback? Is this flashbackception? It just seems odd to me to flashback in the middle of a flashback. During the dance, the animals go down below deck to celebrate....something. It`s not quite clear. Personally, I think it`s because the dog never rapped again, but you take your pick of what it is.
And then, we FINALLY get to the part everyone wants to see: the ship comes in contact with the fated iceberg (he`s the hero of the movie at this point) and begins to sink. The crewmen try to fight the rising water with buckets- aside from this being a bad idea, they`re not even emptying the water back into the ocean. It looks like less of a sinking ship and more of a splash fight between grown men. At least their shirts are still on.
William goes to rescue Angelica from below deck (on the actual Titanic, 3rd class passengers were sealed off from the rest- when they emerged on deck, there weren`t many lifeboats) as the 3rd class passengers break through the metal gate keeping them from the upper deck, because aparrently people can rip through a metal gate like paper. William and Angelica are separated due to the shortage of lifeboats, but William promises to see her again (if this is still going according to original, he may be a little dead by then).
Angelica escapes the ship in time to watch it sink (but of course, they still focus on the freaking people). The jewel thieves escape as well, and laugh about things that are going on around them that I really can`t understand. Is this supposed to make us forget that in the background, hundreds of people are dying in the sinking ship? Because it`s not working.

William escapes the room he was left in through a window (even though there`s clearly a door), and grabs a small child to bring with him (to lifeboats or death, take your pick) as the ship FINALLY goes down for real. The sight of the ship going is so bad that it makes the dalamtians aboard the lifeboat cry (with experience as a j.r vet, I can say that that`s not possible). I actually feel more sorry for the dalmatians than William at this point- they probably have some eye infection leading to the discharge.


William and the kid make it to a floating crate from the doomed ship, a lifeboat comes to rescue the child (because the lifeboats totally came back to rescue all the passengers), but are unable to rescue William, because...well, plot convienence. Angelica`s lifeboat discovers someone who looks like William, but it turns out to be a random dude with an awesome mustache. They don`t actually pull him up (but he does appear in the boat later), and continue to look for William.
We also see that the animals are safe (Including that freaking rapping dog, much to the sadness of everyone watching). But what about the other people still fighting for their lives in the water? Well, you won`t believe this one.
DOLPHINS come and rescue people in the water while Angelica and Mr. Mustache rescue William, still floating on the crate. You know how the end goes in a kids movie: William is rescued, Angelica finds her mother (William`s Nanny quite obviously), and everyone is OK (including that stupid dog). And just when we think the movie is over and we can go home to drink away our memories of this, we hear the voice of the little Yiddish mouse:
"Wait! Don`t you want to know what happened to everybody?"
NO! No, I don`t! The ending is fine, and should pretty much satisfy: The two heroes get together and are safe. Okay. It`s done. You can go now. But no, this movie decides you need to know what happened to everyone: The two get married and adopt the dalmatians, and the jewel thieves marry the stepsisters. William`s secretary gets married as well, because we all wanted to know what happened to him. They are forgetting one thing, though: WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED? Did they forget that little tidbit about the Titanic?Clearly the rapping dog was more important than that.

Overall, this movie was CRAP. The story is bad, the characters are bland, the subplots are almost never resolved, and it just plain reeks of lameness. This has got to be one of the worst movies EVER, and I hate it very much. If you enjoy this movie, you are either 5 years old or in a mental asylum. Also, THERE`S A FREAKING RAPPING DOG IN A MOVIE ABOUT THE TITANIC. Just by that sentence, you could tell that this movie doesn`t care about telling the story about the ship of dreams and more about squeezing every dollar out of the Titanic franchise. This ship should have sunk before it even got off the pier.


OVERALL RATING: 1/10
Yeah, this was terrible. Anyone who enjoys Titanic-or even knows what it was about-will hate this. Avoid at all costs.