I'll be honest: I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I just don't see the big deal over why everyone loves the slasher movies that are so common nowadays: movies like the Texas Chainsaw Masacre and Saw and the like never did much for me. I prefer the other kind of horror: suspense. Where the fear slowly builds unseen until it comes out in full force with it's teeth in your throat (The Shining, for example, is one of my favorite movies). And although I don't care too much for scary movies, I know a good movie when I see one. And Troll 2 is NOT a good movie. Not at ALL.
This is considered the very bottom of the barrel of horror movies: it's stupid, the costumes are ridiculous, the story makes no sense,it's not scary, and most notably, It doesn't actually have any trolls in it. That's right, Troll 2 has absolutely no trolls in the entire hour and a half movie: our antagonists are GOBLINS.Right off the bat, you can tell this is a bad movie just by that sentence. but at least this movie has an excuse: the director, Claudio Fergasso, and most of his cast were all Italian and didn't speak English. They all had to learn their lines in a language they didn't know (what is it with Italians and bad film?), and that explains the line reads, but that doesn't excuse the horrible acting.
Claudio Fergasso insists to this day that Troll 2 is a masterpiece, but that's hard to see. for starters, this movie technically isn't a sequel to Troll (also a terrible movie) at all. But hey, it's got this enormous fandom circling around it. It's even more popular than the original Troll. It's a sequel in it's own right. With that said, let's take a look at the absolute worst scary movie of all time (really,Fergasso? No trolls?)
The film opens with a family preparing to swap houses for the summer with a family living in the town of Nilbog (seriously) . The youngest child, Joshua, is contacted by the spirit of his dead grandfather (out of nowhere), who warns the kid that Nilbog is home to vegetarian goblins who seek to turn people into plants so they can eat them. naturally, the right thing to do would be to contact one of the adults who can stop the trip, gramps, but your call. Joshua's sister's boyfriend decides to tag along to Nilbog too, because at least 1 moron needs to die in horror movies.
When the family arrives, they see that the family from Nilbog has left an all-vegetable meal for the group to eat. Joshua's dead grandpa arrives and stops time to warn Josh that the food is coated with a potion that will turn everyone into plant goo that the trolls can eat. Naturally, when time unfreezes, Josh does the most logical thing in the situation: pisses all over the food (still not making things up). He pulls down his pants and urinated all over the meal, thus rendering it inedible. Joshua is sent to his room, and his dad proceeds to yell at him about how you can`t "piss on hospitality". In all honesty, this was so poorly written that I can`t help laughing at it. Just like the next part of the movie:
A kid named Arnold and some girl find a church that turns out to be the hideout of the queen of the Goblins- Creedence Leonore Gielgud who gives the 2 kids the potion that turns humans into plants. Creedence and her goblins begin to eat the girl, and Arnold utters the most famous part of the movie: the `They`re eating her.....and then they`re going to eat me` lines. Even if you haven`t seen Troll 2, you`ve probably seen this clip: it`s been seen on Youtube over 4 million times and used as a joke in lots of videos. Another kid attempts to rescue "Oh My God Dude", but OMGD dies in the process.
The goblin costumes, might I add, are horrible: they look like midgets with rubber Halloween masks and burlap sacks. Just another bad feature of a bad movie.
The dead grandfather finally decides to show himself to someone else- the sister (of course, still not the obvious) and tells her what`s going on as well. Joshua, acting on his grandfather`s orders, destroys all the food in the house to hopefully make the family leave Nilbog. But all that does is make Josh`s dad take him to the general store to buy breakfast. They find the store closed, and Joshua wanders off and discovers a church where the Goblin pastor is giving a speech on the evils of meat. The goblins find the hiding Joshua and grab him. They attempt to feed him ice cream that is mixed with the goblin posion (although it looks less like ice cream and more like goblin splooge, if such a thing exists), and Joshua resists and screams until his dad comes and the goblins are forced to let Joshua go. And of course, the dad only finds it Mildly upsetting that the strangers in this town have grabbed his child and attempted to force-feed him goblin sperm. I think at this point ANY dad would find something upsetting about that little scenario.
Joshua and his dad get back to the house to see that the goblins have thrown the family a party in another attempt to get them to eat. The family decides that things are officially starting to get creepy as Joshua runs upstairs to contact his dead grandpa. Joshua is attacked by goblin queen Creedence, but Dead Grandpa comes out of nowhere and chops her head off, causing her to retreat for a little while. Josh and Dead Grandpa run down to the party to stop anyone from eating, but they are met by the goblin preacher from before, who attempts to banish Dead Grandpa to Hell (even though Dead Grandpa clearly said he went to Heaven). But Dead Grandpa has magical Dead Grandpa powers (as Dead Grandpas are commonly known to have) and shoots a lightning bolt at a convienent molotov cocktail near the preacher, killing him and turning him into his true goblin self. Dead Grandpa disappears and the family barricades the household.
Meanwhile, Creedence uses her magical goblin powers (second only to magical Dead Grandpa powers) to turn into a teenage girl and seduce the dude remaining in the RV (the guy who tried to rescue Oh My God Dude) with an ear of corn. They begin to have sex in a shower of popcorn (aparrently magical Goblin Powers apply to heating vegetables) as the man is left paralyzed as goop. This neutralizes the family`s only hope of escape, and they fear for their lives inside the house.
The family holds a seance to contact the spirit of Dead Grandpa. He appears, but tells the group he can only stay in the mortal world for 10 more minutes (due to the magical forces of Plot Convienence). The goblins break into the house and kidnap Joshua, but not before Dead Grandpa hands him a backpack that he says contains the only weapon able to fend off the monsters. He opens it and discovers... a bologna sandwich.
A FREAKING BOLOGNA SANDWICH? That`s our magical weapon of awesomeness? Clearly, the goblins are doomed. Seriously, though, Dead Grandpa, if you wanted to make a sandwich be your weapon, at least make it like the one from Team Fortress 2. At least that one healed you or your medic. This is a freaking bologna sandwich (yes, I know it can be typed baloney, but I thing bologna sounds funnier).
Joshua eats the sandwich, which apparently makes the goblins unable to eat him due to the meat in his body. He proceeds to the magical Stonehenge Magic Stone (the source of all the goblins` power) and with his family touches it, destroying it and all of the goblins.
The family finally goes home and Joshua`s mother decides to eat some of the food in the fridge (left there by the exchange people, who might I add are goblins) and turns into a plant. Then, some remaining goblins enter the room and devour the mother, all while Joshua is screaming in the corner. (after THAT excursion, I would just pitch the entire fridge) Joshua is offered a piece of his own mother to eat by a goblin (apparently they forgot he was kind of behind killing their entire race) and the movie ends.
To be perfectly honest, I love this movie, but not for the typical reasons: this movie isn`t horrifying. It isn`t scary, it isn`t creative, the characters are bland, the story makes no sense, and the costumes are terrible. It`s got to be one of the worst movies ever from a critical standpoint. But from a different point, I like it for what it isn`t supposed to be: THIS MOVIE IS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Every scene is so poorly acted and terribly planned that you can`t help laughing. It`s so bad it`s funny.
Overall Rating: 2/10
Troll 2 only gets points for the unexpected humor of the thing. It`s just so terribly awful that you can`t help enjoying it. If you don`t think it`s unintentionally funny, it`s absolutely horrible. I`ve never seen a scary movie so terrible, but so magically wonderful at the same time. Troll 2 is more of an experiment in film to me than a movie: the perfect example of a terrible movie.
I`ve heard that Claudio Fergasso is going to make a sequel (hilariously named Troll 2: Part 2) to this awful piece of junk. All together now:
"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"
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