Wait, what did I just type?
So as people who follow my cousin Don Megalon on Youtube are aware, every year we have a showdown in our official family game Territory War, because our idea of family togetherness is to blow each other`s tiny stick people up with grenades, and every year we enact a penalty for the unfortunate loser, such as playing a game or watching a movie we wouldn`t normally play (my punishment if I lost was to play Slender last year). This year, my loss results in me playing a horror game of my cousin`s choice that I do not wish to mention, and I can`t possibly allow myself to play that. So I intend on crushing my cousin this year as I did last (our original confrontation can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NK1CIBW1l8&feature=c4-overview&list=UUeml9T_x0VQql_1WPF6AHFg)
. But why am I telling whoever reads this my personal holiday agenda when you come for the movie reviews?
Well, it just so happens that he has enacted a ban on little kid`s games (which happened to be his punishment last time we fought), so in accordance with my new blog, I`m forcing him to watch a terrible movie upon his defeat. And that terrible movie just so happens to be this...... thing. I`m not going to type that stupid title again, so let`s just call it... The 7 W`s.
This 45-minute sing-along appeared in 1985 (probably after alarmingly large doses of LSD) directed by and starring actor Tim Noah, who has aparrently won Emmys that are not mentioned on his IMDB page (probably because they`re regional Emmys) for songwriting and acting. Why he would want to make a drug-fueled landscape of songs, germs, a troll and Hitler is beyond me, but somehow he felt the need for it, and so In Search Of The Overly Long Title was born.
The flick really doesn`t have a story, so I guess I can just talk about the songs. I guess it has SOME, but not a ton. Anyway, let`s continue with the review, and Cousin, if you`re reading this, you know what to expect when I thrash you once again.
The movie starts when Tim Noah, dressed like Marty Mcfly for some reason, enters his purely white room and turns on his radio. The radio plays generic pop music as Tim dances, somehow managing to be the whitest thing in a completely white room. All of the songs and ads he hears on the radio have something to do with the word "Closet", and Tim begins to get suspicious. He approaches his closet armed with a hockey stick but finds nothing there, but the closet makes noises compelling Tim to check it again. When he does, the closet emits a loud sucking sound and sucks Tim into the closet (aparrently the movie went into Poltergeist territory here) and emerges wearing a jetpack and spaceman uniform as he rockets around his room while singing a song I`ve chosen to call "Tim Noah Doing Whatever He Wants". I say this because the first few lines are about pointless things Tim Noah does on a daily basis. But maybe they represent something that I`m not seeing. Maybe the thought of resisting conformity is clearly represented as... humming while Tim Noah chews his peanut butter sandwich, or making faces in the toaster. Or it may just be a stupid song.
While the song plays, we get some shots of space with toasters and sandwiches floating in the air, along with a floating closet. From the closet emerges a man with an afro in what looks like a military outfit, who I shall refer to as "Jewfro Hitler" (who apparently is Tim`s dad). Why Jewfro Hitler is in a children`s movie is beyond me, but the strangest part is that after his appearance, another Tim is taking a bath, and who should appear rising out of the tub but Jewfro Hitler, now sporting a sailor hat. These two never come up again, so I really don`t see the point.
After Tim sings about his imagination (so he imagines Hitler and a naked man in a bathtub with an inflatable shark?), he exits the closet and hears a phone ringing. Tim picks up every object in the room that he confuses with a phone, until a toy dinosaur rolls towards our hero. The dinosaur, which is revealed to be Tim`s imagination, tells Tim that his "mission" is to find the.... well, the thing in the title. The dinosaur then self-destructs, prompting Tim to sing another song, this time about how clueless he is about the.. thingy. Interestingly enough, he doesn`t actually say the entire name of the thing during the song: NOT EVEN THE HOST WANTS TO SAY IT. It`s too condescending even for the host!
Tim`s Imagination guides him to the Jungle, where he dons a safari outfit (a gorilla under his toy chest removes Tim`s pants to reveal jungle shorts for some reason) and sings multiple songs. The first is about what Tim thinks he would do if he were different animals. But you`re NOT all these different animals, Tim. You are a grown man. Act like one.
The second song has Tim stripping down to a toga (which nobody can convince me isn`t a man version of the Technicolor Tutu from Dragon Quest) and singing about how he wants to go live in the jungle, doing whatever he wants and raising a family of monkeys. As much as I want to make a joke about how Tim would have to procreate with a monkey, later in the song he replaces "monkey" with "rhino" for a family, opening himself up to an even worse joke. Picture it: Tim Noah attempting to make love to a RHINOCEROUS. Much hilarity would ensue from that.
Tim is called back to reality by his mother, asking Tim how his lunchbox got smashed. Tim tells her that it got trampled by circus elephants, and somehow, his mother believes it (aparrently the stupidity coconut doesn`t fall far from the tree). But on his bed, Tim confides a secret in us: it was NOT a marauding band of elephants, but by *gasp* the school bully. Now what was wrong with telling his mom that? She could probably tell the school about the problem or something, but I guess Tim decided it would be easier to sing about it. He sings about the bully, who is representes by two giant legs. But this may explain it: Tim, if you`re building giant replicas of the bully and singing about him, it`s kind of weird. And considering your dad is Jewfro Hitler, you don`t have that much street cred. As we see him attempt to fight back, you wonder if he`s not being bullied- Maybe he`s just getting beat up because he`s attacking the tall kid`s ankles for no good reason,. Also, I`m pretty sure a 30-something man doesn`t get picked on by a school bully.
Tim then gets depressed when he ultimately realizes he sucks at life, and sings a song (after all, we`ve only gone a few seconds without one) about being depressed and asking a tree what it sees (obviously the answer is, "a manchild talking to a cardboard cutout of a tree"). Tim`s imagination then randomly mocks Tim about giving up before getting to the good part. Wow, even the movie knows so far it`s been crappy.
But aparrently Tim`s imagination`s idea of 'the good part' is giving Tim magic powers. Most people would say giving a man child like Tim magic is a bad idea, but I recommend it because we all know he`d end up killing himself with them. Tim dons a wizard outfit and sings about his new magic powers. Tim also gets a giant wand that doubles as a rocket launcher (I reccomend this too, you know he`d kill himself somehow).
Tim complains to his Imagination that his room is messed up (it WAS you who messed up the room) and decides to be alone. Tim tells his imagination to screw off and decides to sing a song about the morning (even though it`s nighttime) and do a terrible impersonation of Charlie Chaplin.But in the middle of his song, the room goes dark and enters a part of the show I like to call the LSD part.
In the deepest layer of children`s entertainment hell, Tim sings about an encounter between troll Musty Moldy Melvin and heap of leaves Greasy Grimy Gertie, who decide to get together and dance for some reason. They are joined by critters straight from your nightmares. In all honesty, all of these things are creepy. I probably shouldn`t be watching this bit at 11:00 PM, but there you go. Tim gets mobbed by the creatures and winds up in a void.
In this void, he feels alone and decides to sing a song about the importance of friends that wouldn`t be out of place in My Little Pony and makes up with his imagination. They decide to continue the search for the.... thing, but Tim makes an astonishing discovery: The WWWWWWW is actually Tim and his imagination! Wait, WHAT?
I`m extremely disappointed with this: they promised us a thingy, and we didn`t even get that after 40+ minutes of musical randomness. This movie should have been called "In Search Of Myself" or something. Anything to change that god awful title.
Tim and his imagination reconcile and sing about how they are the WWWWWWW, as Tim goes downstairs and says the last lines of the film: "Let`s see.... what can I do with mashed potatoes?"
Um.... you can eat them. PLEASE just eat them.
After these fabled words, the door to Tim`s room mysteriously closes on it`s own, in a creepy ending to the movie.
So that was In Search Of The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo (DANGIT! I TYPED IT!). What do I think?
OVERALL RATING: 2.5/10
Well, yeah, I don`t like it. Tim is annoying, the scenery is poorly done, and some of the songs are bad. But on the other hand, the other songs are catchy, and it`s really hard to hate a movie that`s so joyful-minded: the movie displays NO cynicism whatsoever and is simply meant to appeal to kids. It`s very difficult to say the movie goes out of it`s way to be not cynical or sarcastic. I like this about the movie, but the rest sucks.
(UPDATE: Don has LOST out Territory war versus match. His punishment is now on Youtube, as is the showdown. Search `TGAMF and Don Riff`.)
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