(Well, it`s April, 1 year after the death of my idol Roger Ebert, which mean`s it`s a Frog event: Roger Ebert Month. This month, after my fond farewell expressed last time, I`ll be looking at one of Ebert`s least favorite movies of all time, and then taking a week break in May to relax myself and prepare for my half-year anniversary post. Until then, enjoy the unofficial part 1 of Ebert Month.)
Show of hands: who here hates Rob Schneider? Everybody? Good.
So, in case you couldn`t tell by that opening sentence, I don`t like Rob Schneider. I don`t know, I just don`t think he`s funny, and his humor is crude and immature. Maybe it`s the critic in me that refuses to laugh at his bad sex jokes, but I have the feeling that he`s just a nice guy who gets hyper when people complain about his terrible movies. And in no film is it clearer than the disaster of media known to us humans as Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
Starring the dreaded Rob Schneider as a male prostitute (or man-whore, as the film points out every 5 minutes), this film has gained some infamy as one of the most hated films of all time. But definitely the big reason It's gained such a following is how brutally Rob Schneider defended this hunk of crap.
When this film was attacked by my fellow critic Patrick Goldstein (no, I`ve never met him, but any critic is a fellow critic), Rob Schneider retaliated by hurling insults at Goldstein, calling him unfit to criticize the film because he never won a Pulitzer Prize (by Schneider`s logic, I`m not fit to criticize anything because I`ve never won any awards for my blog). Roger Ebert, the champion of critics everywhere, fought back with one of his most memorable quotes: "As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.". Tis quote went down in history as one of the most brutal put downs of a film ever, and today I`m going to see why a film like this deserves such a scathing comment- although the name may have tipped me off already.
Deuce Bigalow, a lowly fish tank cleaner, leads a double life as a Man-Whore. He lives in Malibu, were his wife recently died during a shark attack (not a Sharknado though; that would be too amazing for this film). He is invited to Europe by his former pimp, T.J Hicks, to take time away from Malibu and help T.J solve a mystery. It turns out that a serial killer is going around murdering male prostitutes (oh, I`m sorry, Man-Whores), and T.J wants his best friend to return to the prostitution life to draw out the killer- because that`s totally what I would ask my best friend to do. Deuce, being stupid, agrees.
Deuce meets a German man-whore, Heinz Hummer, who he later finds in an alley. Deuce believes he is stoned, so he takes him back to T.J`s houseboat. When T.J arrives, he can tell that Hummer is dead, but Deuce seems more interested in dead Hummer`s genitals- he unzips the man`s pants to see if he is "well-endowed", as in, if he has a big penis. Luckily a tour boat spots him before things get even weirder and Deuce is arrested as a gay gigolo killer.
Deuce eventually gets out of prison after being questioned by Gaspar, a police inspector who hates male prostitutes (and kudos to the filmmakers for not putting in a prison rape scene) and discovers that T.J saw the real killer exiting a store. Deuce officially returns to the life of a male prostitute and enters a meeting of the European Man-Whore society to flush out the killer. He fails, but is given a list of "clients" who may be the perpetrator. He then meets Gaspar`s niece Eva, who has OCD, who of course Deuce falls in love with and later goes to the aquarium with her (wasn`t there a murder on the loose, Deuce? Think you should work on that first?).
Deuce then meets numerous clients who may be murderers, and because there`s only one perfect girl in the Deuce Bigalow world all have defects: there is a woman with a tracheotomy who sprays drinks through a neck vent, a woman with a hunchback, a woman with big ears (clearly related to Spock) and a woman with a very large penis for a nose (I don`t think I want to know what happens when she sneezes). Deuce doesn`t have sex with any of them, so I`m seriously starting to question his Man-Whore effectiveness.
At the moment, does this sound at ALL like a movie you would want to see? Sex jokes in movies are all fine and dandy, especially in a film that uses them well (the Austin Powers saga), but this film does it with no taste or style at all. But back to the plot, if you could call it that:
The only clue the gigolo can find is a photo from the Man-Whore society, which leads him to soe evidence that convinces Deuce that his newly beloved Eva is the criminal. He tries to tell Gaspar, but he refuses to listen and even drops hints that he is the murderer (he already told Eva, but why would he do that?). Deuce, again in a mind-blowing display of stupidity, rides with Gaspar to the Man-Whore society awards show, where the finale will obviously take place.
Eventually, Gaspar pulls a gun on Deuce and reveals the almost plot twist: he was the killer all along, which Deuce should have known if he had listened to Eva or Gaspar earlier. Gaspar reveals that at one time he wanted to be a Man-Whore, but got his penis blown up in an accident with a penis enlarger he borrowed from a classmate (was it Swedish made? If it was, I`m fairly certain I know who lent it to him). He blames Man-Whores for the loss of his penis, career and dignity (not that he had much dignity to begin with), and wants to kill them all with a bomb hidden in the trophy to be awarded to the best Man-Whore of them all. Deuce attempts to stop Gaspar by challenging him to a sword fight, but quickly gets his behind whipped.
However, the penis-nose lady and the hunchback make a reappearance to capture Gaspar and give Deuce time to knock him out with a trophy. The detonator is removed from Gaspar`s hands, and Deuce is granted the Golden Boner award for his bravery (like the Oscars, but with a big dick). But as he and Eva share a kiss, the statue`s penis connects with the detonator (oops). Having just committed mass murder of Man-Whores, the couple pretends nothing happened and pick up T.J from prison, who is happy to share his newest prospect as the gang walks off into the sunset- Gay Man-Whoring.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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This film was not funny. Not at all. It wasn't funny, touching, action-filled, or even entertaining. There isn`t even a sex scene (in a film about gigolos), and if you can't put a sex scene in a film about a prostitute, you`re in trouble. Ebert was right: this movie sucks. A lot.
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends, this is not over. For there is one more film to tear into......
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