The Critical Frog: The Two-Minute Heist

Have you ever wanted to do something crazy, but are afraid to do it because you`re afraid somebody may kick you out of a paid internship and will call the Hollywood mafia to break your knees for daring to trash something from your own kin? No? Just me? Okay then.  Two-Minute Heist, people.

Yes, as I`m sure some of you know, my uncle is an actor/filmmaker and the president of Contender Films- I`m practically his personal tie to the critic world- and so it`s probably a bad idea to attempt to trash a film of his. He`s done some pretty good stuff (he was on The Wire), but also some bad, and this film happens to be one of his most personally disliked (I hope to god) of his own creations. I`m assuming this goes against some family code, and that the mafia is coming after me right now, so I`m hiding out in my bunker filled with high-tech weaponry (okay, okay, it`s my basement filled with MLP stuff) during this review. But it`s my half-anniversary, so YOLO. Please refer to the following comments before you begin reading the review:

Fans: Enjoy.
Uncle Dan: Sorry, Uncle D. Just doing my job. Nothing personal.
Mafia: Come at me, bros.

So the film opens with Dino, played by my blood, getting harassed by the Jamaican Mob (is that a thing? I`m not sure that`s a thing) and finding a dead chicken on his doorstep. The mob, from what I can gather, once lent Dino (a film producer) a lot of money to make a film that , like most movies based on ideas from the Jamaican Mob, was a horrible flop, so Dino could not afford to pay them back- and now his time is up- the mob wants it`s money back NOW.

Dino meets up with his friend Steven, an uptight guy who was the coproducer of the failed film, and they decide they need to make money quick. They believe that robbing a casino would be the best way to rack up funds. But being slackers, who knows how they could possibly do it?

While the two may be slackers, they`re also directors, and so they plan to hire actors to convince that they are shooting a film, and that everybody involved with the heist- police, hostages, the like- are all part of the production. Of course, they end up getting actors (only one worth mentioning is a fat girl who they cast because she has an attractive sister- can we get Catherine Breillat in here?) and the heist goes ahead.

This is a really odd film, not because of the plot, which is ambitious, but because of all the side ideas and plots going on. They have an accountant, who`s purpose I don`t understand, the stories of all the actors/robbers, the dead chicken (later cooked by Dino), the mob and some oregano, and some Mexican soap opera with a little kid (Actually my cousin Don, who you followers may remember), and......zzzzz......

Sorry, I nodded off. Sitting here awaiting the mafia gets boring after a while. How did Scarface do it?

So the plot's a bit tangled, the transitions are odd, and I have to say it`s a bit confusing. The ending is a bit disappointing and many of the plot points aren`t resolved. I can`t say I understand some parts of the film, as it comes off as a bit confusing, but I need to admit, Dino can be a good actor when he needs to (unlike in Crazy Eights, where he was the opening kill and had no chance to have fun with the role), and sometimes he kind of looks uninterested in the scene. But seeing as how the film was the brain child of my mentor in the film business (except Ebert), can I really dislike this movie? You might actually be surprised.


OVERALL RATING: 6/10
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Bet you weren`t expecting that I actually enjoyed it somewhat, were you?

Yeah, some parts are odd and confusing. Can I fully say I understand it? Nope. But do I like it? Yes.
It`s easy to defend the film. I could talk about the in-jokes to film making and the film-within-a-film gags, even go as far as to call it Filmception (you know, Inception is about film making, come to think of it). I don`t think it`s a fantastic comedy, per se, but it`s actually better than most of the recent comedies in theaters (I`m looking at you, Grown-Ups). I`d say it`s at least worth a shot.....

Oh no, the Mafia`s here! Quickly, get behind the air hockey table! There are some Nerf guns down there, and I reengineered the pony toys to be laser-shooting automatons. Cheerilee and Rainbow Dash should buy enough time for me to upload this post! Maybe then the Mafia will go away. Until then.....