(Guess what, everybody? I got the half-year special working finally! I know it's a bit late but better late than never. Or, when watching this film, better never than ever.)
It's the half-year anniversary of The Critical Frog, so I though I'd do something for everyone who's decided to follow me and make sure the blog keeps moving along.
I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.
So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.
I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.
The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.
The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.
One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.
Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.
Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.
The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).
Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.
After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.
Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).
So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.
Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.
Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason) rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.
After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.
My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.
But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The Critical Frog: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie- Pyramid Of Light
Is there any way a film based on a game for children can't make money? If there is, I really haven't seen much of it.
Every time a children's game gets enough money, a film seems almost inevitable (the Pokemon series, for example has at least 18 films by now). But with something that already has a set-out plot, how can you tie a stand-alone film into the plot without disrupting some form of continuity? Beats me, and apparently it also stumps the creators of the Yu-Gi-Oh movie.
As a big fan of the card game (even hosting a club at my school), it only figures I'd be a fan of the original TV series. The show, about a teenage boy uncovering the secret of a magical artifact that gives him incredible card game skills in addition to an alternate form known as Yami, wasn't a terrific show, but it was fun to watch the cartoon characters duel and to see your favorite cards come to life in all of their glory. At least, it was awesome when you were younger.
Since then, the rules of the game have seriously changed. Monsters have gotten much easier to summon, cards have been banned, and deck types have allowed for new strategies than the spellcasters and dragons of old times. Practically anybody sporting a newer deck could run into the older series and dominate every duelist within a 50-mile radius.
Sure, the rules were BS at times, but it was still fun to watch. It was an all-around decent show with cool villains, decent animation and a sweet card game to go along with it. So naturally, when the marketing department hit it's peak, a film based on the game and series was produced.
I was a big Yu-Gi-Oh fan back in the day (still am), and so I jumped at the chance to see this film. I packed my deck, my Duel Delight flavored Bellywasher (does anybody remember these?), my duel disk and my box of Yu-Gi-Oh cereal (that's right- look it up), bought my ticket and prepared for the duel of the century, on the big screen this time. And....to be honest, it was kind of underwhelming.
Yeah, the ultimate battle between the pharaoh of ancient Egypt and his billionaire archrival Kaiba wasn't exactly what I expected. In fact, it was kind of weird, even by Yu-Gi-Oh standards (this is the same show that had a gay clown ghost). But we can't really discuss the show right now, so it's time to duel.... against an underwhelming movie.
So the main aspect of the film we need to discuss is the duels themselves. The first real duel of the film- Kaiba versus the incredibly flamboyant creator of Yu-Gi-Oh Pegasus- really got my hopes up- Kaiba interrogates Pegasus and challenges him to a duel for the only card that can defeat the three Egyptian God Cards that Yugi holds in his deck.
Right off the bat, this is a good duel by the film's standards- we get to see some of Pegasus's signature Toon monsters lay an early smackdown on Kaiba, only to discover that Kaiba's plan all along was to purposely get his own monsters removed from play to summon XYZ-Dragon Cannon (which is actually a really good strategic move from back then), destroying Pegasus's Toons and blasting him to his defeat. Kaiba searches Pegasus's collection for the card, only to find two instead. Pegasus insists there's only one card, but Kaiba doesn't believe him.
Back in the mainland, we see our main character visiting a museum exhibit about ancient Egypt (which is actually Ishizu Ishtar's, the sister of the man who once held the Winged Dragon Of Ra god card) and discovering the Pyramid of Light, an ancient artifact brilliantly designed to look like the Millineum Puzzle upside down, that is said to hold the spirit of the Egyptian lord of the dead Anubis, who Yami defeated thousands of years ago in a children's card game). But before they can truly uncover the mystery, Kaiba's little brother Mokuba appears and tells Yugi to go to the Kaibacorp stadium for the ultimate duel.
When Yami enters the arena to duel against Kaiba, I noticed that Kaiba's entire deck was differently styled. His major cards, his signature Blue-Eyes White Dragons, were there, but nothing else was. Yugi's deck was the same as always, with the exception of the god cards.
After only 2 turns, Yugi manages to summon his first Egyptian God Card (interesting to mention, he got it from a possessed mime)- Slifer, The Sky Dragon, also known as the weakest god card ever. But Kaiba, in an unexpected move, not only accepts the challenge, but forces Yugi to play all 3 of his god cards at once with Obligatory Summon, which does not exist (I'm just sayin). Then, he reveals one of the new cards he got from Pegasus: None other than a card based on the artifact we saw in the beginning, the Pyramid Of Light, which forces Yugi to remove from the game all of his gods.
Now one other thing I want to mention is the card packs that came with the ticket: that's right, you got a booster pack for watching. When I opened it, I saw the Pyramid Of Light, and I was disappointed to see that not only did it not remove god cards from the game, it ended up having something to do with "Sphinx" monsters.
I hadn't been to far into the film when I opened the pack- I had no idea what these "Sphinx" monsters were, and was really hoping to get a great card of destruction. Other cards included two monsters used by Kaiba once, and something called Watapon, which holds the record for being the most useless monster in existence at the time.
Yami's little boy host Yugi and his friends get sucked into the Milinneum Puzzle by the mysterious force of the Pyramid Of Light. As they search the puzzle for the secret of how to stop the Pyramid Of Light, Yami is in deep trouble.
Without his god cards, Yami is slowly being crippled by his opponent- his deck is shot down by a virus and his only hope rests with his new card- The Sorcerer Of Dark Magic. It quickly decimates Kaiba's dragons and stops his virus, clearing Kaiba's field. All seems to be turning in Yami's favor until Kaiba unleashes his new monster- and the star of the film- Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon.
This guy had the best animation I saw in the film- and also the best effects. His attack shoots up, he can choose what targets him and what doesn't, and even sacrifice himself to destroy anything on the field. Opening another pack (the theater lady knew me and gave me 5) I was surprised to see the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon in the pack, but my heart sank when I realized you had to summon Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon (a card that's already insanely hard to summon) to play it, and it lost it's final effect. But on with the film:
Just when Kaiba can easily decimate Yami with a single attack, he decides to drag the duel out for as long as possible by using Blue-Eyes Shining's effect to destroy the Pyramid of Light, then planning to use Return From The Different Dimension (a card included in the packs, which to my delight actually did what it did in the film) to bring yami's gods back on to Kaiba's side and kill him with his own cards. It is, in his opinion, a perfect victory.
Too bad the Pyramid doesn't want Kaiba to have his flashy ending.
As soon as he uses the Shining dragon's ultimate ability, A large and slimy naked man appears behind Kaiba (don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis....) and throws him to the side before he manifests as the human version of Anubis, Yami's old rival. And I have to admit,no matter how unoriginal he is, he looks pretty badass.
Seriously, how come you never see this guy at conventions? I could imagine a great cosplay for him. He looks SO COOL, and yet somehow he manages to be the least interesting character in the movie. He has no real personality other than "Hey, I'm an evil guy who wants to destroy the pharaoh. And I have a pyramid."
Now that wouldn't be SO bad- Many movie villains have no real personality- but compared to the other villains of Yu-Gi-Oh, he lacks the motivation or hatred of the others. Pegasus wanted to resurrect his dead wife, Marik was abused by his father and has a demented dark side, and even Noah (from the awful season 3 of the anime) just wanted to live the life he never had. Anubis? Nothing. But he does throw Kaiba aside and finish the duel with the pharaoh on his own. You know the saying: if you want a children's card game played right, you've got to play it yourself.
Anubis unleashes his monsters- Andro Sphinx and Sphinx Teleia, massive beasts of impressive attack and defense that quickly overwhelm Yami's monsters (As Kaiba labeled them, a cream puff and an elf), leaving our hero at a measly 100 life points. However, Yami exploits a totally bullshit rule that does not exist and grabs Monster Reborn from Kaiba's graveyard, allowing him to revive Blue-Eyes Shining.
Back in the puzzle, Yugi and his friends discover the eye of Anubis, a magical artifact that when shattered, will break the strength of the Pyramid Of Light (how convienent) as the group overpowers mummies to shatter the eye and thus break the invincibility of the card, thus allowing Yami to activate the dragon's effect and blow up the pyramid once and for all, and the sphinxes along with it. Or does he?
Unfortunately for our hero, Anubis has one last trick up his sleeve: his ace card, Thinien The Great Sphinx, that can only be summoned when both of the lower sphinx are destroyed at once. And let me say, I was awe struck at this monster's power. Anubis feeds the creature all of the souls of the monsters in both players' decks (and Kaiba's for some reason), boosting it's attack to a massive 30000 and preparing to absolutely destroy his foe. Luckily, Yami and Yugi become one again and activate Kaiba's facedown trap- Return From The Different Dimension, allowing him to bring back all of the gods and fusing them together for a monster with unlimted attack, blasting Thinien to pieces and the rest of Anubis's health along with it. The Pyramid Of Light around his neck shatters as he is brought to his knees, and all that remains of Anubis is the eye in the center of the pyramid.
Just as everything seems to be ending, the eye starts to glow and Anubis becomes a badass giant dog demon with the intent to destroy the entire stadium and then the world. He reveals that all of the monsters in the decks are real now as Yugis friends try to guard him and Kaiba with monsters that easily get destroyed by Anubis. Pegasus, who appeared earlier, rescues Yugis friends and holds off the collapsing stadium with Toon monsters allowing him to escape. He reveals that yes, he created Blue-Eyes Shining, but the spirit of Anubis placed the Pyramid Of Light in his collection in hopes that it would be used.
Also worth mentioning, earlier in the film, Pegasus has my favorite line in the entire movie: when asked how he knows about the Pyramid Of Light and its mythos, you expect some kind of ancient magic backstory or saying knowing the guy (this guy used to have an ancient artifact shoved in his eye socket), but no:
Ï looked it up.¨
So anyway, Yugi realizes that if the monsters are real, so are their powers- including the Blue-Eyes Shining's abillity to destroy any monster. It sacrifices itself to destroy Anubis, shattering the eye and ending the film.
As a duelist, can I really hate this movie? I guess in a way, I can and cant at the same time.
OVERALL RATING: 5/10
---------------------------------
So its not the best movie. Definitely not. A lot of the main story is lost in the film, the cards are kind of lame (except for Return From The Different Dimension, which is used to this day) and there isn't really a lot to look at without raising more questions (Why didnt Ishizu ever tell Yugi about this artifact?).
But on the bright side, it does play out like an episode of the show: the duel is clean, although somewhat slow, the characters are true to their personalities, and the animation is pretty cool at times (especially in Blue-Eyes Shining and the cataclysmic ending). Overall, its definitely not a super film, but as a duelist, I can appreciate the good parts and loathe the bad.
But trust me, if I was in the film, I could wipe them all out. King Of Games, bitches.
Just when Kaiba can easily decimate Yami with a single attack, he decides to drag the duel out for as long as possible by using Blue-Eyes Shining's effect to destroy the Pyramid of Light, then planning to use Return From The Different Dimension (a card included in the packs, which to my delight actually did what it did in the film) to bring yami's gods back on to Kaiba's side and kill him with his own cards. It is, in his opinion, a perfect victory.
Too bad the Pyramid doesn't want Kaiba to have his flashy ending.
As soon as he uses the Shining dragon's ultimate ability, A large and slimy naked man appears behind Kaiba (don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis....) and throws him to the side before he manifests as the human version of Anubis, Yami's old rival. And I have to admit,no matter how unoriginal he is, he looks pretty badass.
Seriously, how come you never see this guy at conventions? I could imagine a great cosplay for him. He looks SO COOL, and yet somehow he manages to be the least interesting character in the movie. He has no real personality other than "Hey, I'm an evil guy who wants to destroy the pharaoh. And I have a pyramid."
Now that wouldn't be SO bad- Many movie villains have no real personality- but compared to the other villains of Yu-Gi-Oh, he lacks the motivation or hatred of the others. Pegasus wanted to resurrect his dead wife, Marik was abused by his father and has a demented dark side, and even Noah (from the awful season 3 of the anime) just wanted to live the life he never had. Anubis? Nothing. But he does throw Kaiba aside and finish the duel with the pharaoh on his own. You know the saying: if you want a children's card game played right, you've got to play it yourself.
Anubis unleashes his monsters- Andro Sphinx and Sphinx Teleia, massive beasts of impressive attack and defense that quickly overwhelm Yami's monsters (As Kaiba labeled them, a cream puff and an elf), leaving our hero at a measly 100 life points. However, Yami exploits a totally bullshit rule that does not exist and grabs Monster Reborn from Kaiba's graveyard, allowing him to revive Blue-Eyes Shining.
Back in the puzzle, Yugi and his friends discover the eye of Anubis, a magical artifact that when shattered, will break the strength of the Pyramid Of Light (how convienent) as the group overpowers mummies to shatter the eye and thus break the invincibility of the card, thus allowing Yami to activate the dragon's effect and blow up the pyramid once and for all, and the sphinxes along with it. Or does he?
Unfortunately for our hero, Anubis has one last trick up his sleeve: his ace card, Thinien The Great Sphinx, that can only be summoned when both of the lower sphinx are destroyed at once. And let me say, I was awe struck at this monster's power. Anubis feeds the creature all of the souls of the monsters in both players' decks (and Kaiba's for some reason), boosting it's attack to a massive 30000 and preparing to absolutely destroy his foe. Luckily, Yami and Yugi become one again and activate Kaiba's facedown trap- Return From The Different Dimension, allowing him to bring back all of the gods and fusing them together for a monster with unlimted attack, blasting Thinien to pieces and the rest of Anubis's health along with it. The Pyramid Of Light around his neck shatters as he is brought to his knees, and all that remains of Anubis is the eye in the center of the pyramid.
Just as everything seems to be ending, the eye starts to glow and Anubis becomes a badass giant dog demon with the intent to destroy the entire stadium and then the world. He reveals that all of the monsters in the decks are real now as Yugis friends try to guard him and Kaiba with monsters that easily get destroyed by Anubis. Pegasus, who appeared earlier, rescues Yugis friends and holds off the collapsing stadium with Toon monsters allowing him to escape. He reveals that yes, he created Blue-Eyes Shining, but the spirit of Anubis placed the Pyramid Of Light in his collection in hopes that it would be used.
Also worth mentioning, earlier in the film, Pegasus has my favorite line in the entire movie: when asked how he knows about the Pyramid Of Light and its mythos, you expect some kind of ancient magic backstory or saying knowing the guy (this guy used to have an ancient artifact shoved in his eye socket), but no:
Ï looked it up.¨
So anyway, Yugi realizes that if the monsters are real, so are their powers- including the Blue-Eyes Shining's abillity to destroy any monster. It sacrifices itself to destroy Anubis, shattering the eye and ending the film.
As a duelist, can I really hate this movie? I guess in a way, I can and cant at the same time.
OVERALL RATING: 5/10
---------------------------------
So its not the best movie. Definitely not. A lot of the main story is lost in the film, the cards are kind of lame (except for Return From The Different Dimension, which is used to this day) and there isn't really a lot to look at without raising more questions (Why didnt Ishizu ever tell Yugi about this artifact?).
But on the bright side, it does play out like an episode of the show: the duel is clean, although somewhat slow, the characters are true to their personalities, and the animation is pretty cool at times (especially in Blue-Eyes Shining and the cataclysmic ending). Overall, its definitely not a super film, but as a duelist, I can appreciate the good parts and loathe the bad.
But trust me, if I was in the film, I could wipe them all out. King Of Games, bitches.
Monday, September 8, 2014
The Critical Frog's Pokemon Adventure: 3-Pokemon Nuzlocke
Sorry I was away for the past month: a lot has come up since August, and Ive been really busy with school and the like. So to make up for it, I'm doing something very interesting: a Nuzlocke challenge for the Pokemon series with a little twist.
For those who are Pokemon-illiterate, Ill explain what a Nuzlocke is: It's like playing through a standard Pokemon game , but you have to abide by special rules that are as follows (taken from Bulbapedia):
-You can only catch the first Pokemon you encounter in the wild
-If a Pokemon faints, it is considered dead and must be released
-You must nickname every Pokemon you catch (to establish a connection with it)
-No resetting the game if something goes wrong
-If you lose a battle (a white out/black out), it's considered an instant Game Over
Those are the basic rules. But due to a bug in my Game Boy Emulator that freezes the game whenever I try to catch anything (except Zigzagoons), I'm adding a few rules for myself to create a challenge I like to call a Froglocke. Here's what I've come up with:
-You can only use Pokemon gifted to you by non-player characters and your starter
- Allowed 2 ¨mulligans"before it is considered a Game Over
- Allowed 1 Pokemon just to use HMs- cannot fight with you in battles
-Maximum of 3 Pokemon allowed at a time (not counting the HM Pokemon)
-Battles you have no chance of winning (level 30s Vs level 100s) don't count towards a Nuzlocke game over
And to top it all off, the game I'm playing is one of the hardest Pokemon ROM hacks around- Pokemon Snakewood, a great hack that blends the graphics and fighting of Pokemon with a story involving demons, zombies and talking dragons. It's a fun story, but also insanely hard, which is why I'm allowing myself some leeway. If I can pull this off, I shall go down in history (or at least in my Skype group) as a legend of Pokemon. I've got a bit of experience with Pokemon and have some impressive victories under my belt (I've beat the final boss of Heartgold without hacks, and came 4th in the Pokemon Regionals at my game store), but this is going to be my hardest challenge yet. Can I be the very best? Let's hope so.
DAY 1:
I started the game by creating a new character, a girl named Evilina (or Lina for short) and looked at the 3 starter Pokemon of the hack avaliable in Littleroot Town: Baltoy, Koffing and Paras. I went with the Baltoy (Topsy) due to my love of Psychic-types and Claydol in particular. Topsy and I got into our first battle against a Boilbasaur (the zombified version of Bulbasaur), which we dispatched easily due to Bulbasaur's poison typing and Baltoy's Confusion.
New Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy), Level 5
Ground/Psychic
Moves: Confusion, Harden, Rapid Spin
We then moved on to Odale Town, where I was given an egg by Professor Birch. After grinding levels for a while with Topsy's advanced moveset compared to other starters, I encountered a trainer that gave me my first challenge.
FIRST MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller ???
Pokemon: Sneasel (Ice/Dark) Level 5
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy, Psychic/Ground) Level 12
Right off the bat, Sneasel had an advantage due to it's superior typing over Baltoy- It's dark-type made it immune to my Confusion, forcing me to rely on Topsy's new move Sand Tomb to assure victory. It was a close battle (Sand Tomb isn't very accurate, allowing Sneasel many hits on me), but in the end Topsy proved victorious.
After the battle and a visit to the Pokemon Center, I used some of my new funds to buy some Potions before heading on to the next route. Interesting thing here: there was a vending machine in the Poke'Mart. Upon using some money to buy a bottle of Fresh Water for Topsy, I instead received a can of Zombie Livers. I'm not sure if this happened with the Soda Pop and Lemonade options, but to be frank, I'm not sure I want to.
(NOTE: Returning to the machine for a Lemonade, I tried the other options. Apparently only the Fresh Water has been replaced with random body parts.)
DAY 2:
Moving through the route leading to Petalburg City, I encountered many trainers I had to do battle with. Many of them used zombified versions of starter Pokemon, particularly Rotmander (Charmander) and Boilbasaur. Topsy's typing gave it an enormous advantage over the opponent's Pokemon, enabling it to endure many Rotmander attacks and easily destroy any Boilbasaur he did battle with. While farming on this route, my egg hatched- but to my surprise, it hatched into another egg. I'm guessing this is a custom-made Pokemon. This better be worth it.
New Pokemon (2/3)- Benedict (Mysteryegg), Level 5
Disease
Moves: Harden, Leech Life
After expressing my frustration about not being able to catch a Slakoth due to the rules (because Slaking is one of my favorite Pokemon), we moved on to the actual city. While attempting to go to the PokeḾart for some Antidotes in preparation for the woods, I was stopped by a zombie who came at me with an Oozle (zombie Squirtle). Although the Oozle's typing and speed gave it a slight advantage over Baltoy, Topsy's high level combined with his new move Psybeam proved to be a stronger force. With that out of the way, I went into the PokeḾart and finally purchased my antidotes (although sadly, they gave me no discount for chasing a ghost away from their mini mart). Upon discovering I couldn't enter the Petalberg Gym because it was blocked by a mass of skulls (how foreboding), I began to head to the next route. I decided to mainly train Topsy until I could find an Exp. Share to benefit two Pokemon at once, and such much time went into training him.
After a small amount of grinding in the Petalburg Woods, Topsy learned Rock Tomb. It was immediately put to use as we encountered a trainer who warned me that there was something disturbing and strong up ahead. Not one to be scared by trainer comments, I began to charge ahead- but then stopped and ran back to the city to use the medical kit I found to heal my team, just in case. Good thing I did, too- that trainer was right.
SECOND MAJOR BATTLE- Levitating Legless Corpse Zabulon
Pokemon: Houndsour (Fire/Dark) Level 11, Dirtkrow (Flying, Dark) Level 13
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 23, Benedict (Disease) Level 5
As shocked as I was to see a Levitating Legless Corpse in the seemingly innocent woods, I was a tad more surprised to see the Houndour she sent out, or more particularly, it's lack of a head. Instead, it had a bleeding stump where it's neck was to be. My first instinct, being a lover of Houndoom (And fire-types in general, in fact), was to put the poor thing out of it's misery.
Because the poor creature was Dark-type, my Psybeam and Confusion were rendered useless, making me rely solely on Rapid Spin and Rock Tomb to emerge the victor. The Houndsour went down surprisingly fast, but then the Dirtkrow came out. Not surprisingly, this was a Murkrow with a strange coloring to it. While this gave me a large amount of trouble due to it's absolute advantage (Flying and Dark are super effective against Psychic and Ground) and speed, and so I gave Topsy some Lemonade for a boost. This paid off in the long run, as while the Dirtkrow was fast and strong, it could not handle the damage output of a rock-type attack like Rock Tomb. Upon the corpse's death, it dropped my first badge- guess even Roxanne couldn't stand against her. While I was happy to get past the corpse, the battle made me think. If I'm seeing levitating corpses so early in the game, what horrors await later? I don't know, but I really want a Dirtkrow. It's coloring is pretty cool, and if it can outspeed a Baltoy almost twice it's level, it's not all that bad.
(Note: Upon looking at the Wiki, it is impossible to catch a Murkrow, or any variant of it, in Snakewood. That's a shame, I'm quite fond of Honchkrow.)
DAY 3:
After exiting the Petalburg Woods, I came across what looked like a Pikachu sprite. After close examination it was revealed to be a severed Pikachu head on a pike. Naturally, I did the right thing and looted it's corpse for a Super Potion. Pikachu would have wanted me to have it.....
After crossing the bridge leading to the first Gym, I saw the sprite of a youngster. Upon approaching it I was thrust into a battle with a severed head. Joy.
The disembodied head sent out an Eye-Eye, which apparently is a zombified Jinx. After realizing that Psybeam would be no help in this situation, I used Rock Tomb to make quick work of the Jinx.
After a visit to the Pokemon Center and the Mart, I decided to check the Gym to see if the first leader was still alive. Sadly, all I discovered in the gym was emptiness and a TM containing Rock Tomb. Seeing as how Baltoy already had the move, I decided to pick it up anyway and move on.
It wasn't long before I ran into the Deathcaller I had met earlier (See 1st Entry), who's name I discovered is Alicia. From the looks of it, she didn't seem to happy about me knocking her out the first time, and wanted revenge. But Topsy and I don't intend on giving it to her.
THIRD MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia
Pokemon: Sableye (Dark/Ghost) Level 10, Shuppet (Ghost), Level 10, Sneasel (Dark/Ice), Level 15
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 30, Benedict (Disease) Level 6
This battle was a bit more challenging than anything I've seen before.Of course the big problems came from Sableye and Sneasel, as Shuppet went down extremely quick after a Psybeam. Sableye took quite a bit to bring down, being immune to normal and psychic attacks- competely negating 3/4 of my Baltoy's move set, using up many of my Rock Tombs. By the time I faced Sneasel, I was nearly out of tombs ad was forced to rely on Rapid Spin for the battle. Luckily, I had saved quite a few potions for an occasion like this. 20 Rapid Spins and 4 Potions later, Sneasel was downed, and Alicia with it. I swear, the next time I find a TM, it's going to teach Topsy something to smash these lousy Dark-Types.
Passing by Alicia, I encountered a trainer named Gleiss. He said that demons were attacking, and only we could save the world, but he needed to test me first. He sent out a Faceleech, which looked like Deoxys' disembodied arm. While I was expecting a challenge from the new Pokemon, it's Poison-typing and weak attack made it an easy target for Topsy. It's a pretty cool Pokemon, though- I wonder where I can get one.
DAY 4:
After helping Gleiss take down a few demons, I headed through Rusturf tunnel hoping that there would be some sanity in the peaceful Verdanturf town. Sadly, no such thing happened. Instead of the flowery town we all know and forget because it's kind of boring, I saw a pit of fire and my old enemy Alicia, standing next to another girl. Upon approaching her, I discovered that she was the reason behind all these recent attacks- her name is Pestilence, the only female of the Four Horsemen apparently. Because Alicia was apparently not up to taking me down, she decided to give it a shot herself.
I know that the battle against something that sounds so serious should be considered a major battle if I put something like the levitating corpse as one- but to be honest, I only use that term for battles that really put me and my team in jeopardy. In this case, all Pestilence sent out were 3 Moulder (zombie Grimer), which of course fell very quickly to Psybeam.
After eliminating the Horseman, I decided to continue exploring the smoking crater. Discovering an area called Endless Plains I located HM Cut inside, along with what appeared to be a graphics glitch resulting in an endless grassy area. Testing to see if the glitch was gone, I caught a Zigzagoon (my HM Pokemon according to the rules) and proceeded to teach it Cut.
HM Pokemon: Mr. Slave (Zigzagoon) Level 3
Normal
Moves: HMs Only
Soon after finally getting my slave, I used him to cut down the tree leading to my next stop. After pressing on through some zombies, I learned that my next objective was to venture to Dewford Town, where the zombie apocalypse could not reach. There's a Gym Leader there apparently- why challenging the gyms is still a big deal is beyond me. I was pondering how to get the HM Surf so I could accomplish this when I saw the corpse of a fisherman. Examining it, I found not only the HM I needed but also my third and final member of the party. But sadly, it's not exactly the best choice.
New Pokemon (3/3)- Flop (Magikarp)- Level 5
Normal
Moves: Splash
Slightly disappointed about using Magikarp as my third party member, I taught Mr. Slave Surf and headed down to Dewford. I encountered a lot of Quilfish and trainers using them on the ride over, forcing me to use a couple of Antidotes. Upon arriving in Dewford, I approached the Gym only to become slightly irritated- the easy-to-destroy Brawly and his Fighting-types were replaced with an entire Dark-Type Gym. Oh, Snakewood, you Psychic-hating game. Needless to say, my next move was to enter the caves outside of Dewford and grind levels for my entire team.
Multiple levels later, I decided to try a few battles in the Gym. They were kind of difficult, pushing me to my limits and forcing me to use potions and such. I took this mainly as a sign that I needed to train more, so I set out for Slateport City, thinking there would be more battles and exp to be found there. On the bright side, these battles gave so much exp that Topsy evolved!
EVOLUTION: Topsy (Baltoy- Ground/Psychic) Evolved into Topsy (Claydol- Ground/Psychic)
Sure enough, there were quite a few battles on the beach, but what really made me curious was the trainer's warnings not to go into the house on the shore. Naturally, being an easily distracted person, my first action was to rush into the house and see what the commotion was. Big mistake.
I was greeted with the corpse of a small child stuffed with salt (while it was disturbing, it didn't stop me from looting the corpse) instead of the normal trainer in the area. Soon, I heard a yell and an angry chef came charging at me. Rather than take a whack at me with the large cleaver he was holding, he decided to send out a Munchlax to do battle with Topsy. After enduring a few hits with Flop (I needed to give him the exp) I switched to Topsy and slowly brought him down with Ancientpower and Psybeam. When the chef was finished, I took a look around the house and saw nothing else strange (aside from the salty corpse still sitting in the front) but a soda machine. Completely undisturbed by the situation that just happened, I bought a soda for Topsy and I and called it a day. The only thing I was thinking about then was, what could have made that chef go so crazy? Since the Four Horsemen are clearly some sort of antagonists, I'm guessing it was the work of Famine. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is, why do I keep buying soda and lemonade for a Pokemon that doesn't seem to have a mouth in the first place?
DAY 5:
Much to my chagrin, I was not allowed to proceed into Slateport without the second Gym badge, forcing me to traverse my way back to Dewford for the long-dreaded fight with the Dark-Type Gym. Luckily, upon fighting through the gauntlet and coming face-to-face with new Gym Leader Haruko, she told me she wouldn't fight me without my help investigating the mystery of the Solar Caverns just outside of town. Jumping at the chance of experience, I accepted her task.
Slowly moving down the cavern and farming experience from the Nosepass (the very first Pokemon I ever made fun of) that dwelled inside, I heard the roar grow louder. Eventually, through farming in the caves in case a big fight was coming up, I was treated to the evolution of Flop.
EVOLUTION: Flop (Magikarp-Normal) Evolved into Gary "Mother Fucking" Dos (Gyarados- Water/Flying)
Upon entering the cavern with Topsy and Gary, I was shocked to see a shiny Charizard sprite appear. Apparently this is the Dragon King, and for some reason he hates Lina for reasons unknown. But one thing's for sure, he wants to fight.
FOURTH MAJOR BATTLE: Dragon King Meteor
Pokemon: Dragon (Dragon/Flying) Level 22
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 38, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 31
I wasn't prepared to face a dragon-type so early into the game, especially not one as strong as Dragon. It's typing made it very difficult for me to bring down, mainly due to the lack of Ice or Dragon-types I could get so early in the game. Upon enduring some fire-type hits with Gary, I switched to Topsy and brought him down steadily with Ancientpower, at the cost of a few drinks. Shortly after the battle, Gary ended up learning Dragon Rage. Oh, so NOW he gets it.....
Upon gaining a few extra levels in the caves, I decided to return to the Gym and fight my way through to Haruko. I saved in front of her, told her what I saw and headed in.
FIFTH MAJOR BATTLE: Gym Leader Haruko
Pokemon: Poochyena (Dark, Normal) Level 18, Carvahna (Water, Dark) Level 19, Luxray (Electric, Dark) level 25, Absol (Dark) Level 18, Sneasel (Dark/Ice) Level 22, Kingmadio (Ghost/Dark) Level 1
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 40, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 33
Honestly, for the second Gym Leader, I REALLY didn't expect her to have 6 Pokemon. Would you?
Either way, I started out the fight with Gary against her three Pokemon under level 20. I figured that after learning Hydro Pump and Dragon Rage he could inflict some serious damage. And he did: he managed to sweep through most of her team, though enduring a lot of damage during it, until it was time for Luxray to come out. Naturally, I knew it was time for Topsy to show the fruits of his training.
Surprisingly, Luxray was pretty strong for a level 25. He speed ahead of my Claydol and was ahead in health for quite a bit until I scored a lucky hit with Ancientpower. Sneasel went down almost the same.
With Kingmadio, however, I had no idea what to expect: this was obviously a fan-made Pokemon. Upon trying to use Ancientpower I discovered it had Wonder Guard, meaning he was immune to any non-super-effective attack- and with Kingmadio's Ghost/Dark typing, it was literally immune to all attacks. I ended up forcing it to use all of it's moves (as a level 1, it only had one move- Night Shade, which ended up only doing 1 damage per turn) and making it rely on Struggle, forcing it to damage itself and slowly leading to it's demise.
I finally recieved the second badge for all my trouble, along with TM Bulk Up. To be completely honest, I just hope that's the last I've seen of Luxray. Not very fond of it in this version.
DAY 6:
Finally moving through Slateport and plowing through many former chefs, I pursued my quest to get Gym Badges during the zombie apocalypse by heading through the grassy pathways between Slateport and my next destination, Mauville City. Upon traversing this path I encountered a group of soldiers calling themselves the Inquisition. They all used rock and ground-type Pokemon, however, making them easy pickings for my Gyarados to take down.
When I arrived in Mauville after getting past the strange group, Gleis was already there to greet me. He told me the city was evacuated and that to find answers, I was supposed to go into New Mauville, a cave near the city. Upon surfing to the island I discovered that before the Gym Leader, Wattson, would challenge me, I needed to solve a mystery. Apparently, a man had been murdered in the cave and it was my solemn duty to track down the crook.
After a short investigation, all signs pointed to the chef of New Mauville, but then I had a thought: Chefs don't use Fire Pokemon (the body was badly scorched, and all Chefs use Normal and Psychic types), but Electric moves can also deal scorching damage. Not to mention that a pot of electric honey was said to go missing, and that Wattson was the Electric-Type gym leader....
I tracked down Wattson and faced him only to discover that not only did he have a Luxray, but it was level 100- I had a feeling I wouldn't win this fight. Naturally, I lost.
But upon awakening back in Mauville, I noticed that I was supposed to lose that fight. No mulligan needed.
I learned I had to shut off the generator that powered his Pokemon in order to defeat him. Sure enough, I knocked out the power and all of his Pokemon became significantly weaker. the Luxray that swept my team was reduced to a measly Shinx. His now-weak Pokemon made excellent targets for Claydol.
Upon exiting New Mauville, I learned I was to go to the Island of Calm (another small Island on the grassy path) and hunt down the Inquisition. After hunting down a straggling member in the Mauville gym (who didn't have the badge, but did have TM Shock Wave), I grinded about 10 levels for each of my teammates in preparation for the battle ahead. I broke into their fortress and prepared to face the most amusing enemies I've ever seen in a Pokemon Game: the Inquisition Deadly Seven.
Fighting each of them in a puzzle area, I was surprised to discover that not only were there actually 10 of the Deadly 7. I traveled through the Inquisition board room fighting member after member of the Deadly 7 over and over and over. I never want to see Onix, Mareep, Beldum, Oddish or any of their fake Pokemon ever again.
So after a lot of puzzles I found Gleis, stranded near a lake of lava (although on closer examination, it was revealed to be orange soda- yum). After rescuing him and freeing his Pokemon from mind control, I was gifted with the Dynamo Badge and HM Rock Smash. I taught it to Mr. Slave and proceeded into the desert above Mauville. Surely enough, Famine of the 4 Horsemen was waiting for me, as was Alicia. And from the looks of it, she wasn't too happy to see me.
SIXTH MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia
Pokemon: Sableye Level 29, Banette Level 32, Duskull Level 35, Sneasel Level 38
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Claydol, Ground/Psychic) Level 52, Benedict (Hyperegg, Disease) Level 32, Gary (Gyarados, Water/Flying) Level 50
The Sableye went down pretty easy this time, with a few shots from Gary. Banette and Duskull hit the floor quickly due to their weakness to Psybeam, and Sneasel yet again fell to an Ancientpower.
BATTLES I STILL NEED TO WORK ON (Coming Soon!)
SEVENTH MAJOR BATTLE: Horseman War
Pokemon: Sableye Level 39, Gigawolf Level 44, Banette Level 40, Dusclops Level 41, Gengar Level 42, Weavile Level 41
EIGHTH MAJOR BATTLE: Taoist Gleis
Pokemon: Haunter Level 38, Quilshark Level 39, Faceleech Level 41, Alakazam Level 40, Seviper Level 38
For those who are Pokemon-illiterate, Ill explain what a Nuzlocke is: It's like playing through a standard Pokemon game , but you have to abide by special rules that are as follows (taken from Bulbapedia):
-You can only catch the first Pokemon you encounter in the wild
-If a Pokemon faints, it is considered dead and must be released
-You must nickname every Pokemon you catch (to establish a connection with it)
-No resetting the game if something goes wrong
-If you lose a battle (a white out/black out), it's considered an instant Game Over
Those are the basic rules. But due to a bug in my Game Boy Emulator that freezes the game whenever I try to catch anything (except Zigzagoons), I'm adding a few rules for myself to create a challenge I like to call a Froglocke. Here's what I've come up with:
-You can only use Pokemon gifted to you by non-player characters and your starter
- Allowed 2 ¨mulligans"before it is considered a Game Over
- Allowed 1 Pokemon just to use HMs- cannot fight with you in battles
-Maximum of 3 Pokemon allowed at a time (not counting the HM Pokemon)
-Battles you have no chance of winning (level 30s Vs level 100s) don't count towards a Nuzlocke game over
And to top it all off, the game I'm playing is one of the hardest Pokemon ROM hacks around- Pokemon Snakewood, a great hack that blends the graphics and fighting of Pokemon with a story involving demons, zombies and talking dragons. It's a fun story, but also insanely hard, which is why I'm allowing myself some leeway. If I can pull this off, I shall go down in history (or at least in my Skype group) as a legend of Pokemon. I've got a bit of experience with Pokemon and have some impressive victories under my belt (I've beat the final boss of Heartgold without hacks, and came 4th in the Pokemon Regionals at my game store), but this is going to be my hardest challenge yet. Can I be the very best? Let's hope so.
DAY 1:
I started the game by creating a new character, a girl named Evilina (or Lina for short) and looked at the 3 starter Pokemon of the hack avaliable in Littleroot Town: Baltoy, Koffing and Paras. I went with the Baltoy (Topsy) due to my love of Psychic-types and Claydol in particular. Topsy and I got into our first battle against a Boilbasaur (the zombified version of Bulbasaur), which we dispatched easily due to Bulbasaur's poison typing and Baltoy's Confusion.
New Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy), Level 5
Ground/Psychic
Moves: Confusion, Harden, Rapid Spin
We then moved on to Odale Town, where I was given an egg by Professor Birch. After grinding levels for a while with Topsy's advanced moveset compared to other starters, I encountered a trainer that gave me my first challenge.
FIRST MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller ???
Pokemon: Sneasel (Ice/Dark) Level 5
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy, Psychic/Ground) Level 12
Right off the bat, Sneasel had an advantage due to it's superior typing over Baltoy- It's dark-type made it immune to my Confusion, forcing me to rely on Topsy's new move Sand Tomb to assure victory. It was a close battle (Sand Tomb isn't very accurate, allowing Sneasel many hits on me), but in the end Topsy proved victorious.
After the battle and a visit to the Pokemon Center, I used some of my new funds to buy some Potions before heading on to the next route. Interesting thing here: there was a vending machine in the Poke'Mart. Upon using some money to buy a bottle of Fresh Water for Topsy, I instead received a can of Zombie Livers. I'm not sure if this happened with the Soda Pop and Lemonade options, but to be frank, I'm not sure I want to.
(NOTE: Returning to the machine for a Lemonade, I tried the other options. Apparently only the Fresh Water has been replaced with random body parts.)
DAY 2:
Moving through the route leading to Petalburg City, I encountered many trainers I had to do battle with. Many of them used zombified versions of starter Pokemon, particularly Rotmander (Charmander) and Boilbasaur. Topsy's typing gave it an enormous advantage over the opponent's Pokemon, enabling it to endure many Rotmander attacks and easily destroy any Boilbasaur he did battle with. While farming on this route, my egg hatched- but to my surprise, it hatched into another egg. I'm guessing this is a custom-made Pokemon. This better be worth it.
New Pokemon (2/3)- Benedict (Mysteryegg), Level 5
Disease
Moves: Harden, Leech Life
After expressing my frustration about not being able to catch a Slakoth due to the rules (because Slaking is one of my favorite Pokemon), we moved on to the actual city. While attempting to go to the PokeḾart for some Antidotes in preparation for the woods, I was stopped by a zombie who came at me with an Oozle (zombie Squirtle). Although the Oozle's typing and speed gave it a slight advantage over Baltoy, Topsy's high level combined with his new move Psybeam proved to be a stronger force. With that out of the way, I went into the PokeḾart and finally purchased my antidotes (although sadly, they gave me no discount for chasing a ghost away from their mini mart). Upon discovering I couldn't enter the Petalberg Gym because it was blocked by a mass of skulls (how foreboding), I began to head to the next route. I decided to mainly train Topsy until I could find an Exp. Share to benefit two Pokemon at once, and such much time went into training him.
After a small amount of grinding in the Petalburg Woods, Topsy learned Rock Tomb. It was immediately put to use as we encountered a trainer who warned me that there was something disturbing and strong up ahead. Not one to be scared by trainer comments, I began to charge ahead- but then stopped and ran back to the city to use the medical kit I found to heal my team, just in case. Good thing I did, too- that trainer was right.
SECOND MAJOR BATTLE- Levitating Legless Corpse Zabulon
Pokemon: Houndsour (Fire/Dark) Level 11, Dirtkrow (Flying, Dark) Level 13
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 23, Benedict (Disease) Level 5
As shocked as I was to see a Levitating Legless Corpse in the seemingly innocent woods, I was a tad more surprised to see the Houndour she sent out, or more particularly, it's lack of a head. Instead, it had a bleeding stump where it's neck was to be. My first instinct, being a lover of Houndoom (And fire-types in general, in fact), was to put the poor thing out of it's misery.
Because the poor creature was Dark-type, my Psybeam and Confusion were rendered useless, making me rely solely on Rapid Spin and Rock Tomb to emerge the victor. The Houndsour went down surprisingly fast, but then the Dirtkrow came out. Not surprisingly, this was a Murkrow with a strange coloring to it. While this gave me a large amount of trouble due to it's absolute advantage (Flying and Dark are super effective against Psychic and Ground) and speed, and so I gave Topsy some Lemonade for a boost. This paid off in the long run, as while the Dirtkrow was fast and strong, it could not handle the damage output of a rock-type attack like Rock Tomb. Upon the corpse's death, it dropped my first badge- guess even Roxanne couldn't stand against her. While I was happy to get past the corpse, the battle made me think. If I'm seeing levitating corpses so early in the game, what horrors await later? I don't know, but I really want a Dirtkrow. It's coloring is pretty cool, and if it can outspeed a Baltoy almost twice it's level, it's not all that bad.
(Note: Upon looking at the Wiki, it is impossible to catch a Murkrow, or any variant of it, in Snakewood. That's a shame, I'm quite fond of Honchkrow.)
DAY 3:
After exiting the Petalburg Woods, I came across what looked like a Pikachu sprite. After close examination it was revealed to be a severed Pikachu head on a pike. Naturally, I did the right thing and looted it's corpse for a Super Potion. Pikachu would have wanted me to have it.....
After crossing the bridge leading to the first Gym, I saw the sprite of a youngster. Upon approaching it I was thrust into a battle with a severed head. Joy.
The disembodied head sent out an Eye-Eye, which apparently is a zombified Jinx. After realizing that Psybeam would be no help in this situation, I used Rock Tomb to make quick work of the Jinx.
After a visit to the Pokemon Center and the Mart, I decided to check the Gym to see if the first leader was still alive. Sadly, all I discovered in the gym was emptiness and a TM containing Rock Tomb. Seeing as how Baltoy already had the move, I decided to pick it up anyway and move on.
It wasn't long before I ran into the Deathcaller I had met earlier (See 1st Entry), who's name I discovered is Alicia. From the looks of it, she didn't seem to happy about me knocking her out the first time, and wanted revenge. But Topsy and I don't intend on giving it to her.
THIRD MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia
Pokemon: Sableye (Dark/Ghost) Level 10, Shuppet (Ghost), Level 10, Sneasel (Dark/Ice), Level 15
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 30, Benedict (Disease) Level 6
This battle was a bit more challenging than anything I've seen before.Of course the big problems came from Sableye and Sneasel, as Shuppet went down extremely quick after a Psybeam. Sableye took quite a bit to bring down, being immune to normal and psychic attacks- competely negating 3/4 of my Baltoy's move set, using up many of my Rock Tombs. By the time I faced Sneasel, I was nearly out of tombs ad was forced to rely on Rapid Spin for the battle. Luckily, I had saved quite a few potions for an occasion like this. 20 Rapid Spins and 4 Potions later, Sneasel was downed, and Alicia with it. I swear, the next time I find a TM, it's going to teach Topsy something to smash these lousy Dark-Types.
Passing by Alicia, I encountered a trainer named Gleiss. He said that demons were attacking, and only we could save the world, but he needed to test me first. He sent out a Faceleech, which looked like Deoxys' disembodied arm. While I was expecting a challenge from the new Pokemon, it's Poison-typing and weak attack made it an easy target for Topsy. It's a pretty cool Pokemon, though- I wonder where I can get one.
DAY 4:
After helping Gleiss take down a few demons, I headed through Rusturf tunnel hoping that there would be some sanity in the peaceful Verdanturf town. Sadly, no such thing happened. Instead of the flowery town we all know and forget because it's kind of boring, I saw a pit of fire and my old enemy Alicia, standing next to another girl. Upon approaching her, I discovered that she was the reason behind all these recent attacks- her name is Pestilence, the only female of the Four Horsemen apparently. Because Alicia was apparently not up to taking me down, she decided to give it a shot herself.
I know that the battle against something that sounds so serious should be considered a major battle if I put something like the levitating corpse as one- but to be honest, I only use that term for battles that really put me and my team in jeopardy. In this case, all Pestilence sent out were 3 Moulder (zombie Grimer), which of course fell very quickly to Psybeam.
After eliminating the Horseman, I decided to continue exploring the smoking crater. Discovering an area called Endless Plains I located HM Cut inside, along with what appeared to be a graphics glitch resulting in an endless grassy area. Testing to see if the glitch was gone, I caught a Zigzagoon (my HM Pokemon according to the rules) and proceeded to teach it Cut.
HM Pokemon: Mr. Slave (Zigzagoon) Level 3
Normal
Moves: HMs Only
Soon after finally getting my slave, I used him to cut down the tree leading to my next stop. After pressing on through some zombies, I learned that my next objective was to venture to Dewford Town, where the zombie apocalypse could not reach. There's a Gym Leader there apparently- why challenging the gyms is still a big deal is beyond me. I was pondering how to get the HM Surf so I could accomplish this when I saw the corpse of a fisherman. Examining it, I found not only the HM I needed but also my third and final member of the party. But sadly, it's not exactly the best choice.
New Pokemon (3/3)- Flop (Magikarp)- Level 5
Normal
Moves: Splash
Slightly disappointed about using Magikarp as my third party member, I taught Mr. Slave Surf and headed down to Dewford. I encountered a lot of Quilfish and trainers using them on the ride over, forcing me to use a couple of Antidotes. Upon arriving in Dewford, I approached the Gym only to become slightly irritated- the easy-to-destroy Brawly and his Fighting-types were replaced with an entire Dark-Type Gym. Oh, Snakewood, you Psychic-hating game. Needless to say, my next move was to enter the caves outside of Dewford and grind levels for my entire team.
Multiple levels later, I decided to try a few battles in the Gym. They were kind of difficult, pushing me to my limits and forcing me to use potions and such. I took this mainly as a sign that I needed to train more, so I set out for Slateport City, thinking there would be more battles and exp to be found there. On the bright side, these battles gave so much exp that Topsy evolved!
EVOLUTION: Topsy (Baltoy- Ground/Psychic) Evolved into Topsy (Claydol- Ground/Psychic)
Sure enough, there were quite a few battles on the beach, but what really made me curious was the trainer's warnings not to go into the house on the shore. Naturally, being an easily distracted person, my first action was to rush into the house and see what the commotion was. Big mistake.
I was greeted with the corpse of a small child stuffed with salt (while it was disturbing, it didn't stop me from looting the corpse) instead of the normal trainer in the area. Soon, I heard a yell and an angry chef came charging at me. Rather than take a whack at me with the large cleaver he was holding, he decided to send out a Munchlax to do battle with Topsy. After enduring a few hits with Flop (I needed to give him the exp) I switched to Topsy and slowly brought him down with Ancientpower and Psybeam. When the chef was finished, I took a look around the house and saw nothing else strange (aside from the salty corpse still sitting in the front) but a soda machine. Completely undisturbed by the situation that just happened, I bought a soda for Topsy and I and called it a day. The only thing I was thinking about then was, what could have made that chef go so crazy? Since the Four Horsemen are clearly some sort of antagonists, I'm guessing it was the work of Famine. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is, why do I keep buying soda and lemonade for a Pokemon that doesn't seem to have a mouth in the first place?
DAY 5:
Much to my chagrin, I was not allowed to proceed into Slateport without the second Gym badge, forcing me to traverse my way back to Dewford for the long-dreaded fight with the Dark-Type Gym. Luckily, upon fighting through the gauntlet and coming face-to-face with new Gym Leader Haruko, she told me she wouldn't fight me without my help investigating the mystery of the Solar Caverns just outside of town. Jumping at the chance of experience, I accepted her task.
Slowly moving down the cavern and farming experience from the Nosepass (the very first Pokemon I ever made fun of) that dwelled inside, I heard the roar grow louder. Eventually, through farming in the caves in case a big fight was coming up, I was treated to the evolution of Flop.
EVOLUTION: Flop (Magikarp-Normal) Evolved into Gary "Mother Fucking" Dos (Gyarados- Water/Flying)
Upon entering the cavern with Topsy and Gary, I was shocked to see a shiny Charizard sprite appear. Apparently this is the Dragon King, and for some reason he hates Lina for reasons unknown. But one thing's for sure, he wants to fight.
FOURTH MAJOR BATTLE: Dragon King Meteor
Pokemon: Dragon (Dragon/Flying) Level 22
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 38, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 31
I wasn't prepared to face a dragon-type so early into the game, especially not one as strong as Dragon. It's typing made it very difficult for me to bring down, mainly due to the lack of Ice or Dragon-types I could get so early in the game. Upon enduring some fire-type hits with Gary, I switched to Topsy and brought him down steadily with Ancientpower, at the cost of a few drinks. Shortly after the battle, Gary ended up learning Dragon Rage. Oh, so NOW he gets it.....
Upon gaining a few extra levels in the caves, I decided to return to the Gym and fight my way through to Haruko. I saved in front of her, told her what I saw and headed in.
FIFTH MAJOR BATTLE: Gym Leader Haruko
Pokemon: Poochyena (Dark, Normal) Level 18, Carvahna (Water, Dark) Level 19, Luxray (Electric, Dark) level 25, Absol (Dark) Level 18, Sneasel (Dark/Ice) Level 22, Kingmadio (Ghost/Dark) Level 1
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 40, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 33
Honestly, for the second Gym Leader, I REALLY didn't expect her to have 6 Pokemon. Would you?
Either way, I started out the fight with Gary against her three Pokemon under level 20. I figured that after learning Hydro Pump and Dragon Rage he could inflict some serious damage. And he did: he managed to sweep through most of her team, though enduring a lot of damage during it, until it was time for Luxray to come out. Naturally, I knew it was time for Topsy to show the fruits of his training.
Surprisingly, Luxray was pretty strong for a level 25. He speed ahead of my Claydol and was ahead in health for quite a bit until I scored a lucky hit with Ancientpower. Sneasel went down almost the same.
With Kingmadio, however, I had no idea what to expect: this was obviously a fan-made Pokemon. Upon trying to use Ancientpower I discovered it had Wonder Guard, meaning he was immune to any non-super-effective attack- and with Kingmadio's Ghost/Dark typing, it was literally immune to all attacks. I ended up forcing it to use all of it's moves (as a level 1, it only had one move- Night Shade, which ended up only doing 1 damage per turn) and making it rely on Struggle, forcing it to damage itself and slowly leading to it's demise.
I finally recieved the second badge for all my trouble, along with TM Bulk Up. To be completely honest, I just hope that's the last I've seen of Luxray. Not very fond of it in this version.
DAY 6:
Finally moving through Slateport and plowing through many former chefs, I pursued my quest to get Gym Badges during the zombie apocalypse by heading through the grassy pathways between Slateport and my next destination, Mauville City. Upon traversing this path I encountered a group of soldiers calling themselves the Inquisition. They all used rock and ground-type Pokemon, however, making them easy pickings for my Gyarados to take down.
When I arrived in Mauville after getting past the strange group, Gleis was already there to greet me. He told me the city was evacuated and that to find answers, I was supposed to go into New Mauville, a cave near the city. Upon surfing to the island I discovered that before the Gym Leader, Wattson, would challenge me, I needed to solve a mystery. Apparently, a man had been murdered in the cave and it was my solemn duty to track down the crook.
After a short investigation, all signs pointed to the chef of New Mauville, but then I had a thought: Chefs don't use Fire Pokemon (the body was badly scorched, and all Chefs use Normal and Psychic types), but Electric moves can also deal scorching damage. Not to mention that a pot of electric honey was said to go missing, and that Wattson was the Electric-Type gym leader....
I tracked down Wattson and faced him only to discover that not only did he have a Luxray, but it was level 100- I had a feeling I wouldn't win this fight. Naturally, I lost.
But upon awakening back in Mauville, I noticed that I was supposed to lose that fight. No mulligan needed.
I learned I had to shut off the generator that powered his Pokemon in order to defeat him. Sure enough, I knocked out the power and all of his Pokemon became significantly weaker. the Luxray that swept my team was reduced to a measly Shinx. His now-weak Pokemon made excellent targets for Claydol.
Upon exiting New Mauville, I learned I was to go to the Island of Calm (another small Island on the grassy path) and hunt down the Inquisition. After hunting down a straggling member in the Mauville gym (who didn't have the badge, but did have TM Shock Wave), I grinded about 10 levels for each of my teammates in preparation for the battle ahead. I broke into their fortress and prepared to face the most amusing enemies I've ever seen in a Pokemon Game: the Inquisition Deadly Seven.
Fighting each of them in a puzzle area, I was surprised to discover that not only were there actually 10 of the Deadly 7. I traveled through the Inquisition board room fighting member after member of the Deadly 7 over and over and over. I never want to see Onix, Mareep, Beldum, Oddish or any of their fake Pokemon ever again.
So after a lot of puzzles I found Gleis, stranded near a lake of lava (although on closer examination, it was revealed to be orange soda- yum). After rescuing him and freeing his Pokemon from mind control, I was gifted with the Dynamo Badge and HM Rock Smash. I taught it to Mr. Slave and proceeded into the desert above Mauville. Surely enough, Famine of the 4 Horsemen was waiting for me, as was Alicia. And from the looks of it, she wasn't too happy to see me.
SIXTH MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia
Pokemon: Sableye Level 29, Banette Level 32, Duskull Level 35, Sneasel Level 38
Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Claydol, Ground/Psychic) Level 52, Benedict (Hyperegg, Disease) Level 32, Gary (Gyarados, Water/Flying) Level 50
The Sableye went down pretty easy this time, with a few shots from Gary. Banette and Duskull hit the floor quickly due to their weakness to Psybeam, and Sneasel yet again fell to an Ancientpower.
BATTLES I STILL NEED TO WORK ON (Coming Soon!)
SEVENTH MAJOR BATTLE: Horseman War
Pokemon: Sableye Level 39, Gigawolf Level 44, Banette Level 40, Dusclops Level 41, Gengar Level 42, Weavile Level 41
EIGHTH MAJOR BATTLE: Taoist Gleis
Pokemon: Haunter Level 38, Quilshark Level 39, Faceleech Level 41, Alakazam Level 40, Seviper Level 38
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