The Critical Frog: 50 Shades Of Grey (The Movie)

(Scene: School, Frog's off block in the media center. Frog is listening to the Rainbow Rocks soundtrack for about the fifty billionth time when he notices something nearby.)

Frog: *looks over* what are you guys doing?
Stoners: We got 50 shades of grey, man.
Frog: ....Isn't that still in theaters?
Stoners: We pirated it, dummy. Did you wanna watch?
Frog: Meh, what the heck. I've got nothing else to do.
Stoners: Awesome. Want a brownie, bro?
Frog: No thanks. Seriously, I'm good.


Ladies and gentlemen, I understand many things in my life. These include,

-That no matter how much I hope, Honey from Space Dandy will never be my girlfriend

- That I own possibly the only existing copy of And the Bombs Keep Falling in the world and must protect it with my life (or possibly someone else's)

-The ending to "2001: A Space Odyssey"

-The meaning of life (As learned from "The Amazing World Of Gumball")

.......But 50 Shades Of Grey? I don't understand why it's a film at all.

How exactly can you describe a film like this without breaking my blog's normal PG rating? You don't. You just can't describe this film without saying that it's basically just artsy porn.

There's no other way to say it: this is big-budget porn. Now I've never looked at pornography, but if I had any ideas about what would be defined as "artistic pornography", this would be it. 

The plot, because apparently porn needs a plot: A journalist sends her roommate to investigate a mysterious billionaire, who is apparently so famous  that he can walk into crowded stores and restaurants without anybody knowing who he is, and his moneymaking schemes. The two take a liking to each other and talk until the billionaire decides to invite her over to keep as a slave. And..... porn!

No kidding, the rest of the film, aside from it's bare-bones plot, is practically just a 60-minute sex scene that goes on for way too long. We see bondage, submission, foreplay, and of course lots of sex.

But do you know what ticks me off? The fact that, whether the film admits it or not, this is an abusive relationship taking after the textbook example. It's clear that there is a master/slave relationship here, and not a good one (not implying that master/slave relationships are good to begin with).

...What exactly am I doing reviewing this? You have a point. Review over.

Overall Rating: 3/10
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Isn't this kind of like what the director of "Boogie Nights" wanted to make? 'Porn, but artistic' ? Kind of, assuming you leave out the 'artistic' part.....