Roger Ebert once said that a rating of zero stars could only be given to a certain kind of film. One that is not simply terrible in terms of acting but that also offends at a deep and personal level. And the few films that I have bestowed this rating on deserve it: North used divorce and stereotyping in attempts at humor, Garbage Pail Kids had a backwards moral and terrible characters, and Deuce Bigalow was a Rob Schneider film. Fair is fair, after all.
But eventually I heard the whispers. Stories passed around by other critics of a new horrible film sweeping the internet. A film so terrible that quite a few critics even outright refuse to review it. A film so terrible it is beyond criticism. A film called "Where The Dead go to Die".
I am a critic. I believe that criticism is an art form, just as much as the creation of the film. The reason I review all of these terrible films is so that future film makers can learn from the mistakes of the past. By identifying and pointing out the mistakes made by these abominations, people can understand how not to make these mistakles in the future. And as the critics before me have seemingly refused to review this, the commandeering of the crusade against it falls to me.
I don't care if this film is evil. I don't care if it's disgusting. It must be crushed here and now so that nothing like it happens again. I'm going to take this abomination down, and I don't care how much of my sanity goes with it.
This is a film from the ill-fated Draconian Films, directed by Jimmy Screamerclauz (no, I'm not making that up), that tells the story of three children living on the same street. They each have problems in their life, and are helped along in life by a satanic dog named Labby. Off to a good start. aren't we?
Not even five minutes into the film and we've already got the plot to the first story, "Tainted Milk": A boy named Tommy is visited by the satanic dog, who tells him that the new baby his mother is pregnant with is destined to be the antichrist. Why? Because apparently, once the first baby is born from a parent, the milk of the parent is "Tainted" with the powers of satan's minions, the Shadow Men. Why Tommy would choose to kill a baby (or, in fact, listen to the red-eyed dog with a creepy stutter anyways) is anyone's guess, but the boy and the dog assault the parents, killing them. This drives Tommy to madness, and we enter a train ride through hell as the boy experiences what your nightmares will look like tonight.
There isn't much else to say about this story- it's just a ride through the underworld as the boy faces the consequences of someone else's actions. He meets disturbingly symbolic imagery, nightmarish creatures, and what I can only assume is Darth Maul after sucking helium. Let me ask you something. Does this sound like a film you would like to see? If it does, please do send me a note. I'll forward it along to an asylum for you.
Story 2 is about a thief who kills people and steals their memories. We see him discovering the corpse of the fetus from the first short and stealing it, while explaining that he wishes to use the memory liquid to understand the meanings of death. He is urged on by the Shadow Men as he kills and extracts, Somehow this leads to a story about an amputee having a flashback, revealing he was once a Nazi who had his legs amputated by what I can only describe as cookie demons. The amputee is shortly killed by a prostitute who he tried to attack, and that scene ends. We see later that the prostitute has lost an eye and takes shelter near the lair of the thief, who proceeds into his own trip into madness while the prostitute dies in his arms. He spouts some supposedly meaningful dialogue and we continue with the horror show.
The third story involves Ralph, a boy who has the face and brain of his fetus twin brother embedded in his face due to a freak accident in the womb. When the story opens, we see that his parents refuse the treatment options of the doctor because they don't want to kill the fetus (I'm not bringing up abortion here. It's inappropriate and tasteless.). They believe that Ralph killed the twin on purpose, and so they hate him. He is overcome with shame and wears what looks like a bondage mask to cover up his brother. He meets a little girl, Sophia, who he instantly falls in love with. The bad news is that she is actually the star of a child porn trading ring, and her father enforces discipline by hanging her to the ceiling via a torture mask. Ralph sees some of her 'work' and, with the help of Labby, seeks to set his true love free from her abused life. Naturally, because this movie is made by psychos, they need to throw in as much disturbing imagery and nonsense as possible. As this story seems to take the longest and has the most bizarre images, I guess you could call this the main attraction. Too bad none of us wanted to stay past the opening act.
There's a reason I'm not going into a lot of detail here. It's because I love you guys (don't take that out of context). I don't want to tell you everything that happens because it would unnerve and disturb you more than what I have covered. I may not care about my own sanity, but I do care about yours.
This is not a "So-Bad-It's-Good" film. This is not a "You Have To See To Believe" film. There is absolutely no reason I can give you to see this. Please, for all that is good in the world, DO NOT try to look it up. I don't think I'll ever be the same. You're perfect like you are.
Labby isn't the monster in this film. The creators are the real monsters.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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Every taboo in the book is here: child porn, incest, abortion, murder, prostitution...you name it. It's disgusting, slovenly and horrific in every way. The voice acting? Atrocious. The story? Awful. The animation? What kind of twisted nut makes this stuff?
There's nothing redeeming here, and nothing to watch it for. End of story.
....So, did I pass the critic test?
......No? But I watched the worst thing I could find!
......What do you mean I also need to point out the flaws in my favorites?
.;.....You don't mean........
COMING SOON: Frog reviews V For Vendetta
I don't care if this film is evil. I don't care if it's disgusting. It must be crushed here and now so that nothing like it happens again. I'm going to take this abomination down, and I don't care how much of my sanity goes with it.
This is a film from the ill-fated Draconian Films, directed by Jimmy Screamerclauz (no, I'm not making that up), that tells the story of three children living on the same street. They each have problems in their life, and are helped along in life by a satanic dog named Labby. Off to a good start. aren't we?
Not even five minutes into the film and we've already got the plot to the first story, "Tainted Milk": A boy named Tommy is visited by the satanic dog, who tells him that the new baby his mother is pregnant with is destined to be the antichrist. Why? Because apparently, once the first baby is born from a parent, the milk of the parent is "Tainted" with the powers of satan's minions, the Shadow Men. Why Tommy would choose to kill a baby (or, in fact, listen to the red-eyed dog with a creepy stutter anyways) is anyone's guess, but the boy and the dog assault the parents, killing them. This drives Tommy to madness, and we enter a train ride through hell as the boy experiences what your nightmares will look like tonight.
There isn't much else to say about this story- it's just a ride through the underworld as the boy faces the consequences of someone else's actions. He meets disturbingly symbolic imagery, nightmarish creatures, and what I can only assume is Darth Maul after sucking helium. Let me ask you something. Does this sound like a film you would like to see? If it does, please do send me a note. I'll forward it along to an asylum for you.
Story 2 is about a thief who kills people and steals their memories. We see him discovering the corpse of the fetus from the first short and stealing it, while explaining that he wishes to use the memory liquid to understand the meanings of death. He is urged on by the Shadow Men as he kills and extracts, Somehow this leads to a story about an amputee having a flashback, revealing he was once a Nazi who had his legs amputated by what I can only describe as cookie demons. The amputee is shortly killed by a prostitute who he tried to attack, and that scene ends. We see later that the prostitute has lost an eye and takes shelter near the lair of the thief, who proceeds into his own trip into madness while the prostitute dies in his arms. He spouts some supposedly meaningful dialogue and we continue with the horror show.
The third story involves Ralph, a boy who has the face and brain of his fetus twin brother embedded in his face due to a freak accident in the womb. When the story opens, we see that his parents refuse the treatment options of the doctor because they don't want to kill the fetus (I'm not bringing up abortion here. It's inappropriate and tasteless.). They believe that Ralph killed the twin on purpose, and so they hate him. He is overcome with shame and wears what looks like a bondage mask to cover up his brother. He meets a little girl, Sophia, who he instantly falls in love with. The bad news is that she is actually the star of a child porn trading ring, and her father enforces discipline by hanging her to the ceiling via a torture mask. Ralph sees some of her 'work' and, with the help of Labby, seeks to set his true love free from her abused life. Naturally, because this movie is made by psychos, they need to throw in as much disturbing imagery and nonsense as possible. As this story seems to take the longest and has the most bizarre images, I guess you could call this the main attraction. Too bad none of us wanted to stay past the opening act.
There's a reason I'm not going into a lot of detail here. It's because I love you guys (don't take that out of context). I don't want to tell you everything that happens because it would unnerve and disturb you more than what I have covered. I may not care about my own sanity, but I do care about yours.
This is not a "So-Bad-It's-Good" film. This is not a "You Have To See To Believe" film. There is absolutely no reason I can give you to see this. Please, for all that is good in the world, DO NOT try to look it up. I don't think I'll ever be the same. You're perfect like you are.
Labby isn't the monster in this film. The creators are the real monsters.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
----------------------------------------------
Every taboo in the book is here: child porn, incest, abortion, murder, prostitution...you name it. It's disgusting, slovenly and horrific in every way. The voice acting? Atrocious. The story? Awful. The animation? What kind of twisted nut makes this stuff?
There's nothing redeeming here, and nothing to watch it for. End of story.
....So, did I pass the critic test?
......No? But I watched the worst thing I could find!
......What do you mean I also need to point out the flaws in my favorites?
.;.....You don't mean........
COMING SOON: Frog reviews V For Vendetta
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