In the history of the world, theorists always wonder what would happen if one prominent figure from times past or present had the opportunity to battle another. Be it real or fictional warriors up to the plate, these clashes are the 'what-if' stories we all want to know the outcomes of. And as long as two characters have been around, one what-if battle has always remained in the minds of media lovers. Two beloved heroes clashing to settle who's better. I am, of course, referring to Superman Vs. Son Goku- but Batman fighting Superman is up there too.
Coming down from my Cool-Cat induced April Fools joke, we finally get the opportunity to discuss one of the most hyped films of the year, and indeed of many a superhero fan: the epic clash between the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight. A battle between the invincible alien and the man who trained his way to the top? Well, who wouldn't be excited? Er.......me.
See, here's the problem I have with this famous 'who-would-win' battle. True, you have two legendary superheroes on the field of battle. Batman and Superman themselves are pretty cool, and putting them into a fight seems like a perfect idea. But the problem comes from the fact that one of the contenders is ridiculously more powerful than the other. True, Batman does have the intelligence and secret weapons to wipe out nearly any threat, but on the other, this is Superman we're talking about. The guy is nearly invincible, and boasts a ridiculous array of powers that can make quick work of any of his enemies. Even if we're talking about Batman's tricky nature and massive arsenal, it's hard to say that the Bat would have a fair shot against a man who can bench-press the Moon. Supes could crush Batman in few seconds by just looking his way (especially with heat vision and frost breath). So how do you expand that short fight into a full-length feature? Apparently, by hiring Zack Snyder and taking every chance to make the scene 'edgy'.
Where to start with the issues in the film? It gets so dark it's hard to see, the scenes can drag on for insanely long periods of time without anything happening, and some of the characters can become quite annoying at some points. But how are the dynamics of our heroes?
As you probably guessed, Batman would have to discover some powerful trump card to overwhelm the Man of Steel. In this case it's a bit of the powerful rock Kryptonite from the late Zod's spaceship, capable of neutralizing and defeating Superman. This massive ship had approximately enough Kryptonite to create three bullets and the point of a spear. Coupled with Batman's new power armor, the Man of Steel must not only deal with the consequences of his massively destructive tendencies, but more threats: the psychotic tycoon Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg, hair included) and his ultimate weapon, Doomsday, a primal force of destruction born from the remains of Zod and his ship. Meanwhile, Batman struggles with a conspiracy regarding Luthor's company and a mysterious woman who seems to be interested in Lex's research. How will the two heroes solve their issues in time to avoid a deadly confrontation? Maybe it'll take a third hero.....
The thing about superhero films is that there are different kinds of them for different fans. If you want something funny, you put on Deadpool. If you want to think during your superhero movie, then you put on Captain America 2 or maybe The Dark Knight. Want to just relax and watch some heroes smack things around? Look no further than The Avengers. Superman and Batman fit two different niches of the genre, however: while Superman works well in straightforward action stories where he can do what he does best (fly in and punch things), filmmakers seem to love putting him in more psychological stories where his use is debated. Instead of the world's strongest man punching and lasering his way through the enemies, we focus on questions such as "Does the planet truly NEED a Superman?" (Apparently, yes) and "Where is Superman's true place?" (Punching bad guys in the face). The dark and psychological stories are more Batman's game- but here, he's the subject of more physical combat and vigilante justice scenes. It's like a case of role reversal, but not a good one.
Another problem with the film comes from the overabundance of side characters and plots. Lois Lane is back, tackling a plot about terrorists being supplied with weapons, the identity of the mysterious woman, the fruits of Lex Luthor's research, Batman and Superman's nightmares, etc. And by the time the film ends, we have no answers- just more questions.
And, of course, the most important thing to discuss is the battles. Superman and Batman get to fight for about five minutes, Batman kicks around thugs, and the heroes band together to fight the newly-created Doomsday (who, for some reason, is stark naked- geez, the chrysalis couldn't have made him some pants?). All in all, it's about thirty-five minutes of battle in a 2.5 hour film. The rest is mainly padding and forced drama. Characters with no use appear and disappear (the Flash, I think, is in here for two seconds), the ones who stay do nothing (Lois's greatest accomplishments are dragging Superman out of the final battle to save her and throwing Batman's spear about five feet), and the film has nothing to keep us interested until the fighting commences. I went to Batman V. Superman expecting another Avengers film, and wound up with a Star Wars prequel.
OVERALL: 5/10
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The strange thing about me is that I draw ideas of what I want to see the instant I view a trailer. I didn't envision seeing this film to listen to debates and court discussions. I came here to see Batman and Superman slug it out- and with so much in front of it, it was hard to see. Fusing two genres can be beneficial, but here, it sticks both superheroes face-first in a slog of unwanted stories.
(Also, I can't discuss enough the fact that Doomsday is nude. It's pretty hard taking him seriously when his rear end is clearly visible. Towards the end of the fight, he does gain his trademark spikes and massive power, but it becomes more and more difficult to watch when you imagine that he kept the privates of the two subjects used for his creation. The image of the assumed Doomsdong swinging wildly during the fight probably explains why everyone there looked so distracted and horrified.)
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