The Critical Frog: Furry Vengeance

So since my summer plans involve a lot of LARPing (Live-action Role Playing) and going to a gaming convention, the first thing I`m going to need, that I need to work on in advance, is my costume. That`s right, for the first time, The Critical Frog is probably going to cosplay. I`ve been spending a lot of time deciding on a costume, and I`ve chosen one of my new favorite video game characters: Teemo! Yes, the adorable squirrel/fox thing who doubles as a poison-dart shooting badass has forced his way into my heart.

On a side note, guess who`s been playing a lot of League of Legends lately?

All I need is an army helmet, some boots, a blowgun (although I may just use a marshmallow shooter) and some fox ears and I`ve got me a costume- the only thing I don`t think I can match is his remorseless assassination skills, but hopefully when I`m at a con I won`t need those (although LARPing is a different story). But why tell you about my awesome cosplay ideas when I can talk about today`s movie? 

It just so happens that the movie I want to talk about today involves things just as fuzzy as Teemo, but not as adorable and just as murderous. It is (appropriately) known as Furry Vengeance.

I remember when I went to see this when I was about 12, and boy, was it weird. I had no idea what was going on, and as I look back on the film, I STILL don`t. And bear in mind, I`m one of the intelligent/crazy people who actually understands the ending to 2001. So follow me into the woods and let`s try to understand exactly what`s going on in this flick. Trust me, I know what I`m doing- but don`t get too crazy, this blowgun is loaded with poison darts. 

The film opens with a guy named Riggs (not the main character) flicking a cigarette butt onto the road as he drives his car. A raccoon takes note of this and, in a jerky move even for Raccoons, has some other animals push an enormous boulder in the way of Riggs`s car, causing him to swerve off the road and fall down a cliff. If he did something terrible this would be funny because he gets comeuppance, but all he did was flick a cigarette. You see those all the time. Little overachievers, those Raccoons.

Riggs suddenly decides to hate nature and resigns from his job, forcing his boss to appoint a new person to Riggs`s position. This person is Dan, played by Brendan Fraser, and his new job is to turn the local forest into a real estate development, much to the chagrin of the apparently intelligent animals. Dan`s son Tyler seems very upset by this development, as he warns his father that many have tried to conquer the forest, but all failed horribly. Dan, clearly unable to speak foreshadowing, ignores Tyler and proceeds with business.

The animals of the forest, led by the Raccoon, do not want their homes to be bulldozed, and as such rebel against the building plans of Dan. They interrupt his meetings, destroy his work, and partake in other forest animal-like acts of protest.  Dan eventually becomes fed up with the little jerks and hires a park ranger to capture them and end their trolling. Miraculously, he succeeds and the evil little beasts are locked up in cages.

Dan suddenly comes to the realization that the company wants to bulldoze the forest and build a housing complex, complete with a mall that has a "forest theme" despite the fact that forests and malls have nothing in common. Dan`s wife is in a world of her own as she is forced to plan an environmentally-friendly festival with a stereotyped senile old lady. This is a really bothersome stereotype to me, having spent lots of time around amazing seniors, and I`m sure every elder I know would be grabbing this lady and telling her to act like a normal person (assuming priests would be open to such violence).

Anyways, the festival goes pretty well, we meet an Asian stereotype and Dan has a change of heart. He sets the animals free and helps them take back the forest in a confusing sequence of events that include, but are not limited to:
-A Raccoon raising hell,
-An Owl just sitting there,
-Ravens dive-bombing (cue Teen Titans joke), and my favorite,
-A Bear driving a golf cart (guess he`s smarter than the average bear)

So the animals revolt, the evil company doesn`t get the mall up and everything goes off without any other hitches. We see that three months later, the area has been converted into a wilderness park, where Dan is a park ranger who fines anybody who messes with the forest 1 million dollars (high price for dropping a soda can on the ground, no?). Cue a chorus of "Insane In The Brain" (a song I actually like that didn`t need to be in this) and roll credits.

OVERALL RATING: 2/10
-----------------------------------------------------------------
This confused the heck out of me when I was 12, and it still does. The ending, the stereotypes, the bland characters, and the poor animation of the animals make everything clump together in a giant mess. I give credit to Fraser though, for trying his best in a film like this. "Insane In The Brain" is actually a perfect term to describe how I felt at the end of the film. Now if you`ll excuse me, Renekton wants me to back him up at the top lane, and it would be rude to not answer the giant crocodile man.

The Critical Frog: Downfall

(Sing to the tune of `Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron`)

A fantastic film for the century,

From the film making minds up in Germany,

came a flick `bout the world`s most enormous turd,

and Downfall was it`s name, or so I have heard.

A film about Hitler doesn`t seem so great,

but I watched it and I found out it was really first rate,

to win the war he tried, and at his loss he died,

and his body is now somewhere on the countryside.

ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more,

is how many stars that Downfall will now score.

Many men sighed at the good-rated spree,

of the movie Downfall, from Germany.

And Hitler`s last days are what this film is about,

so try not to complain, and try not to pout

`cuz I know that Hitler was not a real good guy,

but it`s a real good movie, and to explain it I`ll try.

It centers on Traudi, a Hitler Youth girl,

as she decides to give serving Hitler a whirl.

And she is with Hitler throughout Germany,

for she quickly became like a secretary.

And throughout the war, she sees Hitler`s mind,

as he warps in his madness to the mirror of kind.

She can see his emotions, and through him the Allies tore,

And witnesses his downfall, when he`s losing the war.

His descent into madness is an interesting stage,

showing him in the grasping of terror and rage.

You see all of the stress of the Nazi fight,

and you get it, although Hitler was really not right.

ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more,

is how many stars that Downfall will now score.

Many men sighed at the good-rated spree,

of the movie Downfall, from Germany.

As you could see, Hitler was in a fix,

he`d done his Nazi things, but he`d run out of tricks.

The Hitler aimed once, and he didn`t fire twice,

before his body was burned and put out of sight.

The guy who played Hitler is amazing too,

he portrays how he fought and displays how he grew.

While the Nazis were bad, this I cannot deny,

the man who played Hitler is a talented guy.

ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more,

is how many stars that Downfall will now score.

Many men sighed at the good-rated spree,

of the movie Downfall, from Germany.

OVERALL SCORE: 9/10

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I must say, this movie is as good as can be,

It`s truly a movie that you should go and see.

A good historic movie does fill me with glee, 

and this one should go down in the film history.

ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty or more,

is how many stars that Downfall will now score.

Many men sighed at the good-rated spree,

of the movie Downfall, from Germany.

The Critical Frog: Milk Money

It`s Valentine`s Day, and here I am, typing for the blog. Yet again I have failed to get a date. But in all honesty, that dosen`t really bother me. I know I should be somewhat bitter like every other single person on Valentine`s, but I`m just happy that I can spend the day doing what I love: watching bad film. That`s not to say I don`t have an interest in girls (specifically the ones who actually choose to hang around me), but if it was between going on a date tonight or writing this blog, I`d go with the blog. Not so much as because I care about the film we`re discussing as much as I would my nonexistent girlfriend, but so I can get the terrible thoughts of the film I`ve just witnessed out of head and onto paper before they drown me in their sheer stupidity. These horrid thoughts are derived from the flopped `romance` known as Milk Money.

Want to know a great idea for a PG-rated romantic comedy? Then don`t look at this film. Everything about it is just so freakishly strange that it seems extremely wrong for a movie that intends to appeal to kids and adults. Unless all kid`s movies nowadays include hookers, murder, and gangsters, in which case it`s perfectly normal. But recent good kid`s movies (like Frozen) contain nothing of the sort, and as such the elements of Milk Money are out of place and in poor taste. Get out your Valentine`s chocolate and postpone your date (assuming you have one)- here we go.

The film opens and centers on 3 12-year old boys (Brad, Frank, Kevin) who are extremely distressed. Why? Because apparently they have never seen a woman naked. While the normal twelve-year-old thing to do would be to, say, go on youtube or get cable TV, the boys decide to pool their pocket money, go to the big city and convince a woman to strip for them. Keep in mind, this is meant for families, a fact I`ll probably be bringing up a lot in this review.

The boys ride their bikes into the big city, where they ask every woman they meet on the streets if she is a hooker. Of course, many of the women are appalled by this. We also meet a gangster who controls a hooker named V (as a fan of V for Vendetta, I disapprove). The boys almost get shot in a robbery for the pocket money they have (about 100 dollars), but the robber is stopped by V the prostitute. The boys asky her the question and she says yes, but she has to take them someplace private. She loads the kids into the taxi and has them lift up their shirts (awkward). After they do this, she says that they aren`t hairy enough to be dangerous and strips to her waist for them. If we actually got to see Melanie`s boobs, then this would be the best PG movie ever, but sadly we only see them from behind.

When the boys attempt to return to the town, they discover that their bikes have been stolen and must ride in V`s car back to their houses. The hooker`s car unfortunately breaks down in the suburb, forcing prostitute V to hide with the boys. Frank, clearly not understanding the morality of the entire situation, invites V to stay in his treehouse. V is fine with this, but needs a way to conceal the fact that she is a prostitute and eventually decides to pass her off as Brad`s tutor. Apparently the coconut doesn`t fall far from the tree- Frank`s dad Tom fails to realize a tutor wouldn`t be wearing skimpy outfits or stripping for your son (or maybe my tutors were bad ones).

V then learns that her pimp has been killed by a gangster and that he is after V. The pimp told Mr. Gangster that V has all of his money. She goes to the boys and asks to continue hiding out. The trio, excited to keep this woman trapped in their treehouse, happily oblige.

Frank manages to flunk a science test and needs to give an oral presentation to the class. And just as any 12-year old would do, he brings V to class and has her almost strip (she`s wearing a flesh-colored suit) to demonstrate parts of the female anatomy. This is totally a family movie, right? I wonder what the kids in class told their parents about the day.

Frank`s dad finds out the truth about V`s life and becomes very sad- they recently started dating in between his attempts to save the wetlands (in a pointless side plot), and he doesn`t seem to like the idea that the apparent love of his life is a prostitute (take what you can get, man). But V likes him too and reveals her true past, including the fact that her name is really.....wait for it.... Eve. As if I could even ATTEMPT compare this hooker to ANYBODY in the masterpiece V For Vendetta. Removing the -y from her name doesn`t put her on the same level as Natalie Portman.

One of the boy`s fathers discovers V`s profession as well, and in a complete disregard for his son`s friend`s dad, attempts to call her for her services. He screws up and alerts the gangster (searching V`s house for that stolen money from before) of V`s location. Tom and V are chased through town by the gangster, who is defeated by coincidence and clumsiness.  Because V seems to have reformed (at least she acts like it), she goes to the gangster`s boss and explains how he was using and cheating her. V asks to be forgotten by the gang, and the boss, clearly unfamiliar with gangster logic (hasn`t he seen The Godfather?), agrees. Tom and V then discover the pimp`s money in his car, which they use to save the wetlands that Tom is obsessing over. He names it after her in her honor, and the film ends on a happy, sex-free note, unlike most movies involving prostitutes.

OVERALL RATING: 3/10
-------------------------------------------------------------
Um..... what did I just watch, exactly?
For a film with a unique idea like this, it doesn`t do what it could with it. The idea could have been stretched to include some genuinely funny moments, assuming the producers would be willing to make it PG-13. That said, this isn`t a very good plot for a kid`s movie. Some of the acting and scenes are very weak, and overall it`s just such a surreal idea for a family picture. I don`t hate it, but it`s certainly no There`s Something About Mary.

And happy Valentine`s day, might I add, to all those in love or single. While I may not have a date, I certainly hope you do, even if it`s a date with the Theater. Love is a curious force, as powerful as strange, and nowhere is it as strong as this month. For the rest of the month, it`s nothing but romance movies for me to review. Another bitter day of love for a loveless dude. But I`m not bitter because I spent the day eating chocolate and watching romance movies on demand. If that`s not a good way to spend a holiday, I don`t know what is.

The Critical Frog: The Oogieloves In The Big Balloon Adventure

Hey, anybody remember The Wiggles? You know, the 4 costumed guys who would sing and have adventures with their friends and sometimes assorted children? Yeah, they were entertaining, and they had a good idea behind them: meeting stars like Steve Irwin to sing a song and running into misfit characters like Henry The Octopus, Dorothy The Dinosaur and my favorite, Captain Feathersword. It was fun to watch when you were little, but somehow you managed to like watching it when you were an adult (or maybe my dad was a special case). Or, at least it was when the Wiggles were the originals.

Since then, 3 of the 4 Wiggles have quit. Murray, Greg and Jeff are all retired and have been replaced. I honestly can`t say I`m familiar with the new Wiggles, but I know one is a girl with a bow in her hair. This comes off as odd to me seeing as how I grew up with the 4 men. But I`m not talking about The Wiggles today. As much as I would love to, I`ve got something terrible to review that attempted to follow the style of The Wiggles and failed horrendously. This monster of an idea is known as The Oogieloves in The Big Balloon Adventure, or as I like to call it, Jim Henson`s Nightmare.

This does not have the charm that The Wiggles had. It does not have the fun aspect. It does not have the creative characters. It`s quite simply the stereotypical bad children`s show- the one they always play in cartoons to illustrate the idea that kid`s TV is stupid. Where The Wiggles gave us memorable songs like `Fruit Salad` (Yummy, Yummy) and `Do The Twist` (and their Magnum Opus, `Six Months In A Leaky Boat`), The Oogieloves gives us `Scratchy Sneezy Cough Cough` and `March And Moo`. I was intrigued when I saw that something like the Oogieloves would be played in theaters everywhere (in contrast, the Metropolitan Operas are only in a few select theaters), and when I looked it up online later, I was not at all surprised to see it was a box office flop. So grab some fruit salad and a cup of rosy tea- it`s time to discover what makes The Wiggles look like a serial drama.

Before the actual movie begins, we are introduced to the Oogieloves, 3 humanoid puppets with apparent traits and skills: the green one, Goobie, is smart. The purple one, Toobie, is athletic. And the yellow one, Zoozie, is a girl and can apparently speak every language in the universe (I`d like to see her speak Klingon sometime). We are told that we can shout and stand up to dance and sing throughout the movie, and that it is good to sing and dance in a movie theater. While this may work for a small child`s idea of film, it wouldn`t exactly be good to burst out into song during a screening of, say, V for Vendetta or Silence Of The Lambs, would it? Bad advice, Oogieloves.

We open the actual movie with the Oogieloves emerging from their beds, arms outstretched in what I can only say is a salute to the Third Reich, as they see their friends Ruffy the grumpy fish and J. Edgar the vacuum cleaner (because clearly small children will understand and appreciate the reference to J. Edgar Hoover) assisting them in preparing for the birthday of Schluufy (yes, Schluufy) the pillow. Everything is set, until J. Edgar trips and loses the 5 magic balloons that they wanted to give to Schluufy. How the vacuum cleaner managed to trip is unknown, but the balloons fly off. The Oogieloves ask the advice of their friend Windy Window (the downright creepiest window with a human face ever), who can show them where the balloons are. The Oogieloves grab Ruffy and the group go on a quest to recover the balloons. Why can`t they just buy some more? Because apparently those were the last magic balloons in all of Lovelyloveville (no, really. That`s the name.) .

The group discovers the first balloon at the top of a tree. The tree belongs to Dotty Rounder and her granddaughter Jubilee. The two are happy to sing a song and dance with the Oogieloves about shaking your body (with polka dots), but then tell the heroes that nobody has ever climbed the enormous tree before. Toofie accepts the challenge and manages to climb all the way to the top. Dotty and Jubilee give the puppet monsters a present for Schluufy to say thank you along with the balloon.The Oogieloves give a cheer and are off to locate the next balloon.

The second magic balloon is at Milky Marvin`s milkshake joint, where it is to be given out as a prize for the milkshake drinking contest going on. Marvin, his milkshake making cow Lulu, and a very bored waitress lead the patrons of the area in a song about marching and mooing to get milkshakes, which is very repetitive but tolerable. The group get Milkshakes and enter the contest (the milkshakes, might I add, are gross flavors like pickle and pizza). Ruffy, always angry, refuses a milkshake but is forced to have one to enter the contest. The Oogieloves do not win, but Ruffy chugs down his disgusting drink the fastest and wins the gang the second balloon. Milky Marvin also hears about the pillow`s birthday and gives them a special milkshake for Schluffy (I don`t quite remember it, but I thought I heard `blueberry` and `bacon`).

The third balloon is being taken on tour by a superstar with constant allergies. I don`t remember much about this part, but they sing a song about having allergies and being sick, with the loving and heartwarming title of `Scratchy Sneezy Cough Cough`. The Oogieloves convince the starlet to give up her 3rd balloon before she goes, and she gives them some flowers for Schluufy as a token of thanks.

The fourth balloon is on top of a bubble truck belonging to Bobby Wobbly, played by Cary Elwes, better known as Wesley (or the Dread Pirate Roberts) from The Princess Bride. His trucker bird friend tells Zoozie that she can`t fly, and Toofie cannot climb the truck because Bobby doesn`t want it to be damaged. Bobby arrives and sings a country song with the Oogieloves about wobbling and wiggling (leave The Wiggles out of this!). Zoozie then convinces the bird to try to fly. She does, and grabs the balloon for the Oogieloves. Bobby also gives them some bubbles for Schluufy (is it me, or does everyone in this world have some kind of weird obsession?).

The 5th and final balloon is at the top of a windmill that is so big even Toofie won`t climb it. The group decides to hurry to finish the task and comes across an enormous sombrero maintained by Lola Sombrero (Jamie Presley). She then says the sombrero moves and is powered by dancing. We meet her husband, who whirls around to reveal.....my god, it`s Christopher Lloyd!

Yeah, Christopher Lloyd, best known for Judge Doom and Doc Brown, is somehow in The Oogieloves. He must have fallen on some hard times to be playing the mute Lero Sombrero.

Anyway, the group dances and gets to the windmill. They retrieve the last balloon and head back to Schluufy. The birthday goes great and the movie is over. Thank god. Where are you, Wiggles? We known you would never come up with that kind of vomit. Officer Beeples would have arrested you by now.

OVERALL RATING: 1/10

--------------------------------------------------

This should not exist. It`s not the most horrific thing in the universe, but as a critic and a young adult, I REALLY don`t like it. Advantage: Wiggles. If you want a good children`s movie with songs, I`d suggest the new Disney movie `Frozen`. It`s much better than this and has probably one of the best animated soundtrack songs EVER in `Let It Go`. Just avoid it.

TGAMF Comparison: Teen Titans Vs. Teen Titans Go

(NOTE: As of December 2014, this article is invalid as The Critical Frog has recently thrown a rather large tantrum about how stupid Teen Titans Go has become and has thus has officially given up hope on it. We offer our humblest apologies and would now like to state that Teen Titans Go is the worst TV show ever and Frog will not confirm it's existence from here on out.)


A while ago, on Cartoon Network, there was a show about a group of teenage superheroes fighting crime and being teenagers. It was called Teen Titans. And it kicked ass.

Everything about the show was fantastic: the designs of the characters and villains, the plots, the animation, everything. It was the highlight of my week to sit down and watch the Titans battle villains after a long day of school. This is, quite literally, the first TV show I fell in love with. I used to watch the episodes whenever they came on. And when I couldn`t get them on TV, I watched them online. It was a big part of my childhood to watch the show. And when it was discontinued, I felt like I had lost something very dear to me. It was, in the most appropriate usage of the term, a great TV show.

A few years after Teen Titans was discontinued, I became aware that a spinoff show was going to be released: Teen Titans Go, a kid-friendly, comedy-based version of the cartoon. I was excited to hear that the heroes of my childhood would be on the tube once again, and eagerly stayed up to watch the premiere of the new series. With my Titans T-Shirt on and a slice of pizza in hand, I began to watch the new series unfold. And what did I see? Not the original Teen Titans, certainly.

There has been some argument among Teen Titans fans about the credibility of the new show. On one hand, the Titans ARE featured prominently and most of the time do maintain their personalities. On the other, there isn`t much fighting and most of the villains only make appearances in cameos. So as a fan of the original, what do I think?

I think it`s.....funny. Sometimes. Not particularly groundbreaking or original, but for what it is, amusing. I can compare it to the original in different aspects, but the original it isn`t. Let`s compare old and new and see the big differences.

CHARACTERS

--------------------------------------

One of the biggest notable changes to the series was the change in the overall attitudes and appearances of the characters. A prime example of this is Robin, who went from a courageous if headstrong team leader, to a more comedic figure. Robin in the new series is more of a comic foil for the activities of the other Titans. Interestingly enough, the character that appears to have changed the least is Starfire, the alien with an amusing speech pattern. All the series appears to have given her is a more violent temper. Of course, the change that outrages most fans is the redesign of my favorite Titan, Raven. The original Raven is a dark and brooding figure who appears emotionless. The new Raven attempts to hide comedic emotions behind her hood and is seen playing with toy ponies (but as a brony, I`m not one to poke fun at that) and dressing the Titan`s pet in a princess costume. The characters have been clearly redesigned to fit a more comedic outlook on the superhero genre. While I enjoy some of the comedic character redesigns, I prefer the original Titans, with their more human personalities and traits. ADVANTAGE: ORIGINAL

VILLAINS

-----------------------------------

There`s not much competition here, but I want to point it out anyways. While the original Teen Titans had an entertaining and delightful rouge`s gallery of villains, Teen Titans Go really fails on delivering cartoon versions of the baddies we know and love. My favorite villain, Slade, has yet to appear, the devious Brother Blood only has a 1-second appearance (being kicked in the face by Raven), and hilarious villain Control Freak only appears in a dream sequence. Only the Hive 5 and some stock villains (like Cinderblock and Dr. Light) remain. Ironically, the villains that would be appropriate to use in a comedy, like Control Freak, are barely seen or not at all. But for what they are, the reboots of the Hive 5 are somewhat enjoyable to look at, although their standards of evil have dropped: their latest dastardly plot was hanging around a "No Loitering" sign.  ADVANTAGE: ORIGINAL

PLOTS

---------------------------------

The plots are another important factor in the Titans saga: while the original Titans had a somewhat dark storyline chain (beginning with Slade and later going into Brother Blood and Trigon) interwoven with the occasional comedy story (a guy named Ding Dong Daddy challenges the Titans to a race), TTG goes for pure comedy, with quite a bit of it centered around Raven (I.E, Raven breaks her tooth, Raven takes off her cloak, Raven splits into 5 versions of herself). As a fan of her, I sort of enjoy these, but some of the plots are downright stupid in the new series (such as the `Burger Vs. Burrito` debate). On the other hand, when they work, they`re pretty funny (like the Dodgeball episode). Teen Titans Go plots are very hit or miss, as opposed to Teen Titans, which is all hit, all the time. ADVANTAGE: ORIGINAL

LOW POINT

----------------------------------------

This category goes to whichever show had the most fantastic low point, i.e the strangest, tackiest, or overall worst episode. It`s not exactly one you WANT to win, per se, but it`s something.

Teen Titans- Mother Maye-Eye

This isn`t a BAD episode so much as surreal. In fact, I sort of like it. In it, a witch hypnotizes the Titans into believing that she is their mother (which would make the Robin-Starfire relationship very complicated) and keeps up the hypnosis with endless helpings of magical pie. After the Titans are dressed to look like wimps (complete with a bunny costume for Beast Boy and a poofy yellow dress for Raven), they get beaten up by the Hive 5 and return to the witch. Starfire suffers a bump to the head which allows her to see the witch for what she truly is, and we also learn she takes much more pie to be hypnotized (due to her 9 stomachs). She breaks everyone out of the hypnosis and stops Mother Maye-Eye before she can bake the Titans into a giant pie. It`s a funny idea, but it`s just so odd to see. The Titans acting like dependent 6-year olds and singing when it appears Starfire will get in trouble are interesting spectacles, but it all looks so out-of-style for the show and characters. Raven was not meant to have pigtails and wear yellow.

Teen Titans Go- Chill Out

It was about the time this episode aired (very recently, in fact) that I began to see what other people mean when they say Teen Titans Go utterly destroys the reputation of the original. Up until this episode, I really did try to enjoy the different direction the series was going in. The episode is about how Starfire convinces the Titans to lay down their weapons (or stop using their powers) and walk the path of peace. This involved taking away Cyborg and Beast Boy`s video game, making Robin befriend a venomous spider (which then bites him), and convincing Raven to unclench her fingers when she is meditating. These efforts succeed until they enter a battle with the Hive 5, where they almost give in to their violent natures, but then overcome the Hive with the power of peace and love (mainly giving them flowers and hugging them). This sounds ridiculous as it is, but then Starfire starts to sing a song about peace and love being the best way to solve problems (am I the only one who thinks that a girl with temper issues who can shoot eye lasers singing about peace and love is freaking ironic?). Eventually all the Titans and the Hive get in on the song, and without even a joke, the episode ends. This is definitely the low point in the series, and considering that earlier in the show Raven became a gold-costumed superhero who kicked things, that`s saying a lot. No contest. Teen Titans Go has the worst moment in Titans history.

ADVANTAGE: TEEN TITANS GO

OVERALL OPINIONS: 3/1

Yes, the original owns Teen Titans Go in every category except for low point. I mean, there`s no denying that the original Teen Titans was handled better, but I`m not saying that Teen Titans Go is terrible. Given. it has some bad moments, but otherwise it`s a decent little comedy and way to blow 15 minutes of your free time.

The issue with many complaints is that many people hold it up to the original, a show I consider to be a classic superhero cartoon. But what these people need to remember (as I`ve tried to tell my Skype friends) is that this isn`t TRYING to be the original. It`s a comed for younger audiences, with Titans jokes put in for fans of the original.  And while these are very hit-or-miss, you can`t compare it to a full-out action cartoon. If you look at it for what it is- a comedy show designed to poke fun at the superhero lifestyle of the Titans instead of an action cartoon, it`s tolerable. But it definitely isn`t the original.

The Critical Frog- Walking With Dinosaurs

(NOTE: The Critical Frog wrote this column on a cruise ship on January 1, 2014
after a particularly disappointing movie. Excuse me if it seems dated.)

For the past few days, I`ve been on a ship out in the Caribbean to celebrate the
New Year.  Boats are fun and all, but I really missed writing in the blog for
the last  week. So when I discovered the small island of Aruba had a small movie
theater, I decided to take a vacation from my vacation and watch a movie. But
since most of the films in theaters were either of no interest to me or not
showing until the ship left port, I was left with one main option: Walking With
Dinosaurs.

I had mixed feelings about this one. When I saw the original trailer, I
witnessed what looked like an amazing picture. I saw beautiful landscapes,
well-made dinosaurs and an amazing look at the times before man, with no voices
but the roars of the majestic beasts. But when I saw the second trailer, I began
to have second thoughts: the dinosaurs would have apparent streams of
consciousness and talk throughout the movie. I wasn`t too thrilled by the idea,
but still looked forward to the sights of the beautifully rendered CGI
Dinosaurs.  So in the spirit of the new year, I decided to give Walking With
Dinosaurs a shot.

I wish I hadn`t.

Yes, sadly, the masterful CGI and landscapes are offset by poor comedy and an
attempt to portray dinosaurs as more than they are. By watching this, I stand to
think I would have enjoyed myself a little more on the cruise ship, watching
Love Boat reruns and chugging down my 36th Coke of the week. Anyways, let`s go
ram the meteor of criticism into these dinos, shall we?

Surprisingly enough, the movie doesn`t start with dinosaurs at all. Instead, we
get a surly teenager texting while his paleontologist uncle and sister discuss
various things dinosaur-related. The uncle reveals a dinosaur tooth and goes to
a dig site with the sister, leaving the teen holding the tooth next to a car.
The teen is then mocked by a raven (not  of the Teen Titan variety, but that
would be amazing) who tells him to look deeper at the tooth because every fossil
has a story.  The bird then says he was around at the time of the fossil and
turns into  a primitive bird who begins to tell our main story. So the bird is a
time traveler in different forms like Doctor Who? Okay then.

The bird tells the story of Patchi, a baby dinosaur growing up in a nest.
Patchi is the runt of his litter, and his father is the leader of their dinosaur
herd.  After being pushed around by his brother Scowler, Patchi leaves the nest
and gets attacked by a Trodon (like a weird primitive turkey). The little dino
survives but loses a part of his head.

After he comes to the terms with his wound, he meets a girl names Juniper who
flips for the hole in his head (guess she likes men with scars). Patchi and his
bird (yeah, Doctor Bird is a main character) return to the place they met only
to learn 5 days later that Juniper`s herd has gone on a migration . On the
orders of the herd`s leader, they set out on the migration themselves

On this migration, Patchi and Scowler run, follow their father and poke fun at
each other in their despicable dinosaur consciousnesses. When the group enters a
forest, lightning strikes, one thing leads to another and the entire forest
catches on fire. Patchi and Scowler try to run away but are hounded by the
vicious Gorgosaurs that somehow are immune to fire. Patchi`s dad protects the
two from being eaten but at the cost of his own life. The brothers make it to
the rest of the herd, where they meet up with Juniper.

As the herd travels on (while being narrated by Doctor Bird and Patchi, who
somehow entered the future) , Patchi, Juniper and Scowler are shocked to see the
herd hunted by a pack of Gorgosaurs. The group slip on some rocks and end up
spiraling into a current. After a replay of Patchi`s dive by Doctor Bird to
prove a point, Film-style, the gang gets separated from the herd and must find
their own way to the feeding grounds.

Along the way, the gang runs into a pack of Edmontosaurs who appear to be on the
way to the feeding grounds. Juniper reveals that she has a hurt leg and Patchi
stays behind the pack to nurse her while Scowler heads off.

The two manage to arrive at the feeding grounds and hang out for a while. The
movie then cuts to a time lapse of the herd doing the same migration over and
over with the same animation repeated while Doctor Bird criticizes the movement.
Really, I should be enjoying the 4th wall jokes, but I think at this point
Deadpool, Pinkie Pie and Ferris Bueller would be having an intervention with
this movie. 4th wall jokes are very hit-or-miss, and this movie misses a lot
more than it hits. It` like the exact opposite of everyone else in that
intervention. When Pinkie and Ferris do it, they do it in moderation, and the
sheer coolness of Ferris and randomness of Pinkie Pie perfectly balance the 4th
wall. For Deadpool, well, his entire purpose in life is to utterly destroy the
4th wall, and that`s what he does in a humorous and unpredictable manner.
Walking With Dinosaurs is not Deadpool, however, so it really doesn't need to
act like him.

So time passes and Scowler challenges the leader of the herd to a headbutting
competition to determine who will lead. Scowler wins and reforms the herd to be
completely free of any fun. After Patchi saves the herd from dying at the hands
of ice, he tries to be a hero and challenge Scowler to a headbutting match.
Scowler destroys Patchi Zod-Style, leaving him crushed beneath a log (Kneel
Before Scowler! KNEEL!).

Patchi ultimately realizes he can`t beat Scowler ever and lays down to die
underneath the log. But Doctor Bird appears and gives Patchi hope and the
strength to continue by telling him to believe and die for something good (it
was about this time I simply gave up on the film). Patchi shakes off the tree
snd beats up many dinosaurs before finally catching up with the herd.

When Patchi sees the herd, Scowler is being attacked by a vicious pack of
Gorgosaurs.  Patchi decides to forget the past and save Scowler with help from
the entire herd. Scowler decides that Patchi would be better fo the herd and
names him the ruler. We then see that the teenager is still looking at the tooth
and goes to help his uncle. We see that the tooth is part of a Gorgosaurus
defeated in the fight and that it fits perfectly.....and the movie basically
ends.

So that`s Walking With Dinosaurs. Okay, I`ll give an honest opinion on this:

OVERALL RATING: 4/10
---------------------------------------
Wow. This is the highest rating I`ve given so far, and it`s only for the
animation. The animation was beautiful, but again, the bad humor and characters
ruin it for everyone. Sometimes the humor DOES work (a line I actually like is
`Lumber, Patchi! Lumber like the wind!`), but most of the time, it seems like a
giant copy of `Dinosaur` to me. It`s not HORRIBLE, Per se, but it`s not at all
what I would like or expected from a movie with such great art. My advice is to
hit `mute` and just appreciate the beautiful landscapes and the lifelike
dinosaurs.

The Critcal Frog: Catwoman

(NOTE: I was on a boat for a week, and my dad has yet to send me the 2 and a half reviews I composed on the boat. As soon as I get those back, I`ll have 2 fresh reviews for you to enjoy, including a rare review of a recent movie. Please accept a review of Catwoman as my apology for being  late on my posts.) 

As a man who owns a lot of My Little Pony merchandise (2 T-Shirts, a tote bag, some trading cards and a herd of plastic ponies), I`m not exactly one to talk about gender roles, but it`s necessary to clear up some of this before I continue reviewing. Gender roles can work for a movie or against it- when the roles are played with, they can lead to some genuinely funny moments (George Of The Jungle`s male stereotype of George is actually pretty funny to watch). But if a film tries to rebel against the traditional gender roles, it can be a very hit-or-miss gambit. A very good example of this is the character Catwoman.

Voted 3rd hottest Batman villain by pretty much everybody (Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy had that category locked) , Catwoman was the writer of Batman`s opportunity to take a new leap into gender roles, casting Selena Kyle as anti-hero (and girlfriend to the big bat himself) Catwoman, a master thief who steals from the rich and gives to....well, herself. Catwoman was a great stride in Gender equality, showing that not all villainous women had to be revealing and/or sidekicks. And after her film debut in Batman Returns, people liked the idea of a Catwoman movie, and so it went into production. Tim Burton was in on it (and we all know how awesome he is), and Michelle Pfeiffer was supposed to reprise her original role as Catwoman from Batman Returns. But things happened, Burton dropped out and Pfeiffer was replaced with Halle Berry (who I actually think is a good actress when she wants to be). A new script was written, and in 2004, an abomination was born.

There are only a few bad superhero movies (Dr. Strange, Punisher, the original Captain America, Swamp-Thing....okay, there`s a crap ton of bad superhero movies) , but this one seems to stand out. On many reviewing sites it`s labeled the worst superhero movie ever. So to make up for being a careless little (BLEEP), I`m going to watch this and see if the rumors are true. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

(By the way, that`s 2 out of the 3 Batman girl villains butchered by the media (Poison Ivy got hers in Batman And Robin). This can only mean they`re coming for Harley Quinn next.....)

To get a big thing out of the way, NO, Catwoman`s secret identity is NOT Selena Kyle. Instead we get a girl named Patience Phillips (the unknown daughter of Phil Phillips), who works for the most dastardly company ever: cosmetics. The company heads are about to retire, but not before releasing a new skin care product called Beau-Line that can reverse aging (so basically it`s just another anti-aging cream like you see on TV). As Patience visits the products design center, she overhears the company heads discussing the harmful effects of the cosmetic, mainly that it can damage the skin without continuous application. The head`s wife (played by Sharon Stone) notices the snooping Patience and orders her guards to dispose of the girl. Patience tries to escape through a pipe, but the goons close it off and flood it, drowning her. Patience lies dead on the beach.

Well, this is off to a good start. Please tell us Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman then comes, sees her body, and goes to beat up the cosmetics companies with help from her scary boyfriend.

I wish. Instead, an Egyptian Mau Cat breathes new life into her (i`m not making that up) and she is reborn, presumably as Catwoman. Patience has various encounters with cat life, like eating tuna and flipping out over catnip (which is probably the low point in both Halle Berry`s career and this movie), until she meets a researcher named Ophelia. Ophelia explains to her that the cat was a vessel for the Egyptian goddess Bast and has chosen to rebirth her as a "catwoman", with superhuman reflexes and powers. When Patience asks Ophelia why nobody believes her theory, she blames it on "Male Academia". 

Okay, I need to complain about that. I can say that there are some gender issues in science, like men getting paid more than women. But you want to say that an Egyptian Goddess travels around through cats, seeking dead women to breathe into and empower with magic, and blame it on guys when your stupid theory is rejected? I`m pretty sure that ANY academia would be calling you out on that one.

The newly-crowned Catwoman finds the main scientist of the company murdered and is set to take the blame. She interrogates the male company head and he confesses that he is completely unaware of the side effects of the makeup. The police get onto Catwoman`s tail (see what I did there? Har, har) and she must escsape. Meanwhile, a police officer that she dates analyzes a note left by Catwoman and runs it through extreme testing (despite the fact that you have seen Patience write and it`s the exact same handwriting) to decipher Catwoman`s identity. Did I mention there`s a romantic subplot? Because there is.

Catwoman finds the female head of the company, Laurel, the mastermind behind it all. Catwoman is taken into custody as Laurel reveals that discontinuing use of the cosmetic would result in your skin melting off, but continued use makes it as hard as rock. Honestly, Laurel could easily make money by sending this product to the military as a new form of armor, but hey- she`s evil. 

Patience manages to escape and reaches Laurel in her study. Laurel and Catwoman get into a fight, which leads to the bad girl getting scratched in the face and knocked out the window (so either Catwoman`s claws are that hard, or Laurel`s cosmetic was a giant letdown). Her armor makeup disentegrates her skin, leading her to fall to her death. Catwoman is cleared of all murder obligations, but decides to continue her new life on the lam as Catwoman.

And that`s Catwoman. A girl-empowerment film that ended in a fiery explosion of disaster. Do I think it`s the worst superhero movie ever, like so many before me?

OVERALL RATING: 2/10

-------------------------------------------------------------

No, actually. Don`t get me wrong, it`s bad. It`s REALLY BAD. The plot is dumb, the characters are bland, the writing and effects are terrible, and it deserves every bit of hate it gets. But there ARE worse superhero movies. I think Halle Berry really tried to do her best, but the writers dragged down what could have been a great character development story. If Tim Burton was still in on it, then what would happen, I wonder?

Well, That`s it. I`ve reviewed the SECOND worst Superhero Movie of all time. And as for the first- come on, you all know what it is. Do I really have to say it?

*sigh* fine. Batman And Robin. Freaking Batman And Robin. No, I`m not reviewing it anytime soon. Maybe someday. A day when I truly wish to put myself to the ultimate test, to stare into the eyes of Death itself. Or when I feel like it. Either-or.