The Critical Frog: Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band (The Movie)

While it may seem out of person, I occasionally listen to music OTHER than darker songs (sorry, Voltaire), specifically the work of the popular Beatles. The band mates worked extremely well together during concerts and album recordings, and created some of my favorite songs, such as "Hey Bulldog", "Revolution" and "Here Comes The Sun" (for shame).. So when my father (over at writingwithscissors.blogspot.com) told me there was a movie based on one of my favorite albums of all time, "Sargent Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band", and that it was terrible, I knew what I had to do.

I`ll be honest: this is NOT the worst movie I`ve ever seen. But it comes close: the somewhat bland characters, unresolved plot points, and random song numbers contribute to this movie`s downfall, but it the ending that drives it over the cliff. This is BY FAR one of the DUMBEST endings I`ve ever seen in any movie ever. But let`s move to the backstory:

The movie is about Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band, 4 guys with odd hair, as they climb the charts of the record industry and try to save their hometown from real estate marketing via the hands of Mean Mr. Mustard (from the Beatles song of the same name) with guest appearances by Alice Cooper, the band Earth Wind And Fire, Billy Preston, Aerosmith and Steve Martin set to their own versions of Beatles music . If it seems like a bad setup now, just wait. 

For starters, the band isn`t played by the Beatles. Let`s just get that out of the way. This movie came out 4 years after the band broke up, and stars the Bee Gees (really) as the aforementioned band, with Peter Frampton as lead singer Billy Shears. We get a story behind the original Sgt. Pepper and his patriotic band playing during wars, told to us by the mayor of Heartland (the hometown of the band), Mr. Kite, again from the Beatles song. Sgt. P was so popular in the town that they established a golden weather vane designed to look like him (this seems insignificant, but wait for the ending). The original Sgt. Pepper was given a medal for service to the country, and upon his death, it is given to his grandson, Billy Shears (much to the dislike of his OTHER grandson Dougie), who then continues to carry on the legacy of his granddad by forming his own version of the band. The new Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band sings the Beatles song of the same name (Sgt. Pepper`s/With A Little Help From My Friends) somewhat well, and then we delve into the plot: the 4 bandmates (and Dougie Shears, now the band`s manager) get a record deal and are invited to go to the record company to make it. They depart, but not before Billy says goodbye to his girlfriend Strawberry Fields (how subtle. What song is she going to sing, "I Am The Walrus"?). The group leaves on a balloon (which randomly stops in a field so the band can go board a jet plane instead). The group arrives at the recording station and is immediately hit on by a group of women to the tune of "I Want You/She`s So Heavy" that goes on for an uncomfortably long 10 minutes. Wow, guys, it was hard enough for me to listen to that song in the first place, and you somehow made it a bit worse. (NOTE: I do not hate the Bee Gees or the Beatles. I just don`t like the song.)

The group, seduced by wine and women, agree to the record company`s contract (primarily due to the demands of Dougie and his apparent money obsession) and go on tour. They play "Good Morning, Good Morning" and have many montages of them playing and relaxing. But we also see Strawberry sad because Billy has kissed other people, including some lady named Lucy, who sings "Lucy In The Sky", appropriately enough. 

Meanwhile, we see the evil real estate agent (not that real estate agents aren`t evil already) Mean Mr. Mustard hanging out in his van with two robot women. 

 He is suddenly contacted by a mysterious voice in his computer that commands him to steal Sgt. Pepper`s instruments from the Heartland town hall, which are apparently magic instruments that bring happiness to the town. He takes the instruments to various locations of danger: the trumpet to Dr. Maxwell`s clinic (hmm, I wonder what song we will hear there?), the Tuba to Father Sun`s temple, keeps the drum for himself, and takes the saxophone to the record studio (where the computer says he is waiting) all to a techno remix of the "Mean Mr. Mustard" song. I`ll admit, the song isn`t too bad, but the random plot seems to be just an opportunity to squeeze a lot of music in with no character development whatsoever.

With the town`s happiness gone, Mr. M proceeds to build all over it. Strawberry escapes and goes to tell the Lonely Hearts about the dastardly deed, but not before dragging them out of a recording session to tell them and kissing Billy before she does. The gang hijacks Mr. Mustard`s van somehow and sets off on the grand adventure to reclaim the lost instruments and save their hometown.

The band starts their odyssey at the clinic of Dr. Maxwell, played by Steve Martin. Mr. Kite the narrator (yeah, he`s still in this) explains that he has the power to completely turn old and ugly people into young and beautiful ones,ue to his magical silver hammer (It`s never explained how he can tap them with the hammer and turn them young, so I`m using the `magic` card). Of course, we get the obvious song number: "Maxwell`s Silver Hammer" sung by Steve Martin. In all honesty, this is probably my favorite part of the movie: the odd medical setting combines the hammer imagery with the song, and combined with the erratic singing style of Steve Martin playing a crazy doctor, it turns out to be a hilariously enjoyable scene. The group attempts to swipe the trumpet but get into a fight with Maxwell and his 3 nurses. The supporting bandmates get beat up pretty easily, but Billy and Maxwell fight longer than the others: Maxwell pins Billy down and tried to hit him with his Silver Hammer (really, all that would do is turn him younger and better-looking, though, so why worry?), but Billy fights him off and the 4 escape with the trumpet. How did the other 3 escape the nurses? You will never know.

The group discovers the drum hiding in Mr. Mustard`s van and proceeds to the temple of Father Sun, who is played by Alice Cooper of all people. Mr. Kite tells us that Father sun is brainwashing people that Dr. Maxwell makes young because they want to take over the world with a mind-controlled army of people in scout uniforms with absolutely no weapons whatsoever. Aparrently to do that the subjects must watch a video of Alice Cooper singing "Because", primarily due to the fact that watching enough Alice Cooper singing bad songs would make anyone hungry for war. The band attacks Father Sun and reclaims the tuba, but Billy loses a battle with a circut box and is shocked into a coma. Back at the van, Strawberry revives him by singing "Strawberry Fields Forever" (of course), and the group decides to go head back to the record company.

Back at the record company, Dougie tells the manager that he has an idea to raise money. If the manager will sponsor a music festival there, it will rake in the cash AND save Heartland from real estate. Dougie gets the group and they all head back to Heartland for the grand finale. 

So by now, you probably notice something off about the story: THEY FORGOT AN INSTRUMENT. What about the saxophone, guys? What about the mysterious computer voice? Aparrently we don`t get to resolve that plot point because they wanted even more music.

Saxophone aside, we see the group watching Earth, Wind and Fire (a band) perform a Beatles song (a decent one at that) while Strawberry hangs around by the popcorn machine. Meanwhile, Dougie and Lucy from before make out on a bed and then steal all the money from ticket sales. Mr. Mustard then captures Strawberry, Dougie and Lucy and takes them to Dr. Maxwell and Father Sun, where the 3 will be brainwashed into more servants for the evil army.

The Lonely Hearts catch up to the bad guys, who have tied the 3 captives up and are preparing their master plan: to brainwash everyone with (you guessed it) a Beatles song. This time it`s "Come Together" (how is that evil again?)  played by the evil band.... Aerosmith. No joking. The deadly band meant to mind control everybody in the world is played by a band that at one point DID rule the music industry. The group (all in Boy Scouts uniforms ) comes dangerously close to hypnotizing the captives, but the band shows up and beats the tar out of Aerosmith. Sgt. Pepper's Band stops the evil plot, but Strawberry is somehow killed in the process. 

The group returns home, having lost a friend but won a battle, and hold a funeral for Strawberry Fields to the tune of (appropriately enough) "Carry That Weight".  The group returns to her house, now torn down by eat estate, and mourns her death. Billy feels terrible and considers committing suicide. He stands on the roof of the house and begins to throw himself off, but just as he does, the Sgt. Pepper weather vane on the town hall spins rapidly, moving as if it was possessed, and suddenly......

THE FREAKING THING COMES TO LIFE AND MAKES EVERYTHING OK. Played by Billy Prescott, the vane uses some kind of Weather Vane Magic to stop Billy from killing himself, save Heartland from real estate, brings Strawberry back to life, and even turns Mr. Mustard into THE FREAKING POPE. Suddenly everything is OK: the town is happy, Strawberry is alive, the bad guy is the Pope, the works. This is definitely one of the dumbest endings I`ve ever seen: how did the weather vane come to life? How does it possess magic powers? Did he somehow change Mr. M`s attitude into something more...Pope-like? How did he bring Strawberry back to life? And what about the missing instrument and the mysterious computer? We aren`t getting an answer for any of this, so let`s just hear the closing credits, in which a lot of celebrities and the stars arrange themselves into the famous image from the cover of Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band album.

This movie is bad. Definitely bad. But it has some decent parts: when the songs and the singers line up perfectly with the scenes, It can work very well with the music in the background at times ("Carry That Weight" and the funeral scene go together well), and as I mentioned, I absolutely love the Steve Martin as Dr. Maxwell bit. But the movie suffers a LOT from the bland characters (only Billy has a defining characteristic, and that`s that he likes Strawberry), bad writing, unresolved plots (we never figure out what happens to the bad guys or Dougie), and of course, that downright retarded ending. It`s not the WORST movie I`ve ever seen, per se (bear in mind, I haven`t reviewed some of the terrible junk I`ve seen) , but it`s still really bad. 

OVERALL RATING: 3/10

It`s really bad. Songs are okay. Steve Martin rules. Crappy ending. Enough said.

Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band? More like Sgt. Pooper`s Crappy Ending Film.

(Note: I do NOT hate Sgt. Pepper`s Lonely Hearts Club Band. As mentioned in the review, I love the album. Same with the Beatles in general. It`s a bad movie is all.)

The Critical Frog: Troll 2

I'll be honest: I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I just don't see the big deal over why everyone loves the slasher movies that are so common nowadays: movies like the Texas Chainsaw Masacre and Saw and the like never did much for me. I prefer the other kind of horror: suspense. Where the fear slowly builds unseen until it comes out in full force with it's teeth in your throat (The Shining, for example, is one of my favorite movies). And although I don't care too much for scary movies, I know a good movie when I see one. And Troll 2 is NOT a good movie. Not at ALL.

This is considered the very bottom of the barrel of horror movies: it's stupid, the costumes are ridiculous, the story makes no sense,it's not scary, and most notably, It doesn't actually have any trolls in it. That's right, Troll 2 has absolutely no trolls in the entire hour and a half movie: our antagonists are GOBLINS.Right off the bat, you can tell this is a bad movie just by that sentence. but at least this movie has an excuse: the director, Claudio Fergasso, and most of his cast were all Italian and didn't speak English. They all had to learn their lines in a language they didn't know (what is it with Italians and bad film?), and that explains the line reads, but that doesn't excuse the horrible acting.

Claudio Fergasso insists to this day that Troll 2 is a masterpiece, but that's hard to see. for starters, this movie technically isn't a sequel to Troll (also a terrible movie) at all. But hey, it's got this enormous fandom circling around it. It's even more popular than the original Troll. It's a sequel in it's own right. With that said, let's take a look at the absolute worst scary movie of all time (really,Fergasso? No trolls?)

The film opens with a family preparing to swap houses for the summer with a family living in the town of Nilbog (seriously) . The youngest child, Joshua, is contacted by the spirit of his dead grandfather (out of nowhere), who warns the kid that Nilbog is home to vegetarian goblins who seek to turn people into plants so they can eat them. naturally, the right thing to do would be to contact one of the adults who can stop the trip, gramps, but your call. Joshua's sister's boyfriend decides to tag along to Nilbog too, because at least 1 moron needs to die in horror movies.

When the family arrives, they see that the family from Nilbog has left an all-vegetable meal for the group to eat. Joshua's dead grandpa arrives and stops time to warn Josh that the food is coated with a potion that will turn everyone into plant goo that the trolls can eat. Naturally, when time unfreezes, Josh does the most logical thing in the situation: pisses all over the food (still not making things up). He pulls down his pants and urinated all over the meal, thus rendering it inedible. Joshua is sent to his room, and his dad proceeds to yell at him about how you can`t "piss on hospitality". In all honesty, this was so poorly written that I can`t help laughing at it. Just like the next part of the movie:

A kid named Arnold and some girl find a church that turns out to be the hideout of the queen of the Goblins- Creedence Leonore Gielgud who gives the 2 kids the potion that turns humans into plants. Creedence and her goblins begin to eat the girl, and Arnold utters the most famous part of the movie: the `They`re eating her.....and then they`re going to eat me` lines. Even if you haven`t seen Troll 2, you`ve probably seen this clip: it`s been seen on Youtube over 4 million times and used as a joke in lots of videos. Another kid attempts to rescue "Oh My God Dude", but OMGD dies in the process.
The goblin costumes, might I add, are horrible: they look like midgets with rubber Halloween masks and burlap sacks. Just another bad feature of a bad movie.

The dead grandfather finally decides to show himself to someone else- the sister (of course, still not the obvious) and tells her what`s going on as well. Joshua, acting on his grandfather`s orders, destroys all the food in the house to hopefully make the family leave Nilbog. But all that does is make Josh`s dad take him to the general store to buy breakfast. They find the store closed, and Joshua wanders off and discovers a church where the Goblin pastor is giving a speech on the evils of meat. The goblins find the hiding Joshua and grab him. They attempt to feed him ice cream that is mixed with the goblin posion (although it looks less like ice cream and more like goblin splooge, if such a thing exists), and Joshua resists and screams until his dad comes and the goblins are forced to let Joshua go. And of course, the dad only finds it Mildly upsetting that the strangers in this town have grabbed his child and attempted to force-feed him goblin sperm. I think at this point ANY dad would find something upsetting about that little scenario.

Joshua and his dad get back to the house to see that the goblins have thrown the family a party in another attempt to get them to eat. The family decides that things are officially starting to get creepy as Joshua runs upstairs to contact his dead grandpa. Joshua is attacked by goblin queen Creedence, but Dead Grandpa comes out of nowhere and chops her head off, causing her to retreat for a little while. Josh and Dead Grandpa run down to the party to stop anyone from eating, but they are met by the goblin preacher from before, who attempts to banish Dead Grandpa to Hell (even though Dead Grandpa clearly said he went to Heaven). But Dead Grandpa has magical Dead Grandpa powers (as Dead Grandpas are commonly known to have) and shoots a lightning bolt at a convienent molotov cocktail near the preacher, killing him and turning him into his true goblin self. Dead Grandpa disappears and the family barricades the household.

Meanwhile, Creedence uses her magical goblin powers (second only to magical Dead Grandpa powers) to turn into a teenage girl and seduce the dude remaining in the RV (the guy who tried to rescue Oh My God Dude) with an ear of corn. They begin to have sex in a shower of popcorn (aparrently magical Goblin Powers apply to heating vegetables) as the man is left paralyzed as goop. This neutralizes the family`s only hope of escape, and they fear for their lives inside the house.

The family holds a seance to contact the spirit of Dead Grandpa. He appears, but tells the group he can only stay in the mortal world for 10 more minutes (due to the magical forces of Plot Convienence). The goblins break into the house and kidnap Joshua, but not before Dead Grandpa hands him a backpack that he says contains the only weapon able to fend off the monsters. He opens it and discovers... a bologna sandwich.

A FREAKING BOLOGNA SANDWICH? That`s our magical weapon of awesomeness? Clearly, the goblins are doomed. Seriously, though, Dead Grandpa, if you wanted to make a sandwich be your weapon, at least make it like the one from Team Fortress 2. At least that one healed you or your medic. This is a freaking bologna sandwich (yes, I know it can be typed baloney, but I thing bologna sounds funnier).

Joshua eats the sandwich, which apparently makes the goblins unable to eat him due to the meat in his body. He proceeds to the magical Stonehenge Magic Stone (the source of all the goblins` power) and with his family touches it, destroying it and all of the  goblins.

The family finally goes home and Joshua`s mother decides to eat some of the food in the fridge (left there by the exchange people, who might I add are goblins) and turns into a plant. Then, some remaining goblins enter the room and devour the mother, all while Joshua is screaming in the corner. (after THAT excursion, I would just pitch the entire fridge) Joshua is offered a piece of his own mother to eat by a goblin (apparently they forgot he was kind of behind killing their entire race) and the movie ends.

To be perfectly honest, I love this movie, but not for the typical reasons: this movie isn`t horrifying. It isn`t scary, it isn`t creative, the characters are bland, the story makes no sense, and the costumes are terrible. It`s got to be one of the worst movies ever from a critical standpoint. But from a different point, I like it for what it isn`t supposed to be: THIS MOVIE IS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Every scene is so poorly acted and terribly planned that you can`t help laughing.  It`s so bad it`s funny.

Overall Rating: 2/10

Troll 2 only gets points for the unexpected humor of the thing. It`s just so terribly awful that you can`t help enjoying it. If you don`t think it`s unintentionally funny, it`s absolutely horrible. I`ve never seen a scary movie so terrible, but so magically wonderful at the same time. Troll 2 is more of an experiment in film to me than a movie: the perfect example of a terrible movie.

I`ve heard that Claudio Fergasso is going to make a sequel (hilariously named Troll 2: Part 2) to this awful piece of junk. All together now:

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

The Critical Frog: Titanic-The legend goes on... (OR Titanic: The Animated Musical)

The Critical Frog: Titanic (The Animated Musical)
I recently had a chance to sit down and watch James Cameron`s Titanic, and let me say, it was one of the finest movies I`ve ever seen. It`s amazing: it`s a good account of the disaster, it`s touching, the scenes are memorable, and it`s generally a great film. So when I heard that there were other Titanic movies, I had mixed feelings: I wasn`t sure whether they were going to be worth a movie night for.  And boy, was I right to worry about that: I finally found another Titanic, but it wasn`t exactly what I expected. For one thing, it was a MUSICAL.

The fact that an animated movie about the Titanic exists is confusing enough, let alone the fact that It happened to be a musical, so this comes off as bad without even seeing the film. Titanic: The Legend Goes On is a peculiar flick for kids made by an Italian movie group (that fact that I`m part Italian makes me ashamed) attempting to tell the children of the world about the tragedy aboard the H.M.S Titanic with singing mice and a rapping dog. I am not making any of that up.

The movie is already noted for it`s extremely negative criticism- it is seen as one of the worst animated movies of all time- and it`s easy to see why : the movie has more subplots than Les Miserables and none of them get resolved, the characters are very 1-dimensional, and the fact that there is a rapping dog in a movie about the sinking of the Titanic does not help matters. So I was not exactly thrilled about watching this. But after watching, I discovered that this was not just a bad movie: it was a TERRIBLE movie. It`s probably one of the worst movies I`ve ever seen (right up there with Garbage Pail Kids... yes, I went there). With that said, let`s begin the review, so I can show you why this movie deserves to be the ship sinking in Voltaire`s "To The Bottom Of The Sea" album (with the exception that those songs are good, unlike the ones in this piece of crap).
Oddly enough, this movie begins begins with showing the survivors of the famous sinking rowing the life boats, which would be fine if they didn`t show it WHILE THE SHIP IS SINKING. We have one of the most dramatic scenes in cinema-the unsinkable ship sinking- and you focus on the people rowing the boat. Let this be a warning sign of the contents of the rest of the film: focusing on 1 thing when something much more important is happening in the background.

Because there clearly isn`t anything else going on right now.
The character has a flashback to the events of the ship, and so our story begins.
The flashback starts out with female lead Angelica (what was wrong with Rose?) being talked to by her evil stepmother and stepsisters as she stares at a locket. The locket aparrently has a picture of her mother in it that the sisters mock her over. The group is on a train leading them to bard the- you guessed it- the Titanic for a liesurely cruise. After this scene, we see 3 criminals bouncing along in a poorly-animated jalopy: two henchmen and what looks like a poor man`s version of Cruella DeVille. We then see a family of mice with Yiddish accents (who look kind of like the mice from An American Tail, but not as tear-jerking) board as well as seeing a man ogle a female with dalmatians. The man is Gaston, secretary to our male of the story, William (again with the name changes...what was wrong with Jack?) . Also boarding the boat fated for disaster are a cat, a magpie and a dog, along with a band of Mexican Mice.  But we`ll get back to them later.

After everyone is aboard the ship, Angelica ponders if she will ever find her long-lost mother (of course she will, it`s a kid`s movie) while the stepmother abuses her: one of the stepsisters drops a tea cup on the floor and forces Angelica to pick up all the pieces (I`m pretty sure that`s just Tourettes Syndrome). And here is where it starts to go from `odd movie about the Titanic` to `An hour and a half of different cartoons taped together called Titanic`.
We see the Yiddish mouse family unpacking as they are attacked by a cat and a chihuahua (who never got any introduction or backstory). The mice recoil in fear only to be saved by the dog. The mice ask what they can do to save the herioc dog..... and he pulls on a jersey, a cap, takes out a boombox..... and starts rappping. I am DEAD SERIOUS.

This is, hands-down, the worst part of the movie: it`s dumb, comes out of nowhere for no reason, it`s tacky, and has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. I see absolutely nothing good about this scene. If you can fit in a perfectly good explanation as to why a rapping dog is in a movie about the Titanic, you are not sane.
Moving on, we see a subplot about the criminals mentioned earlier being jewel thieves being chased by a detective. Although the thieves probably don`t need a detective to get them.... they get their plans foiled all the time BY A DOG (thank god it doesn`t rap). When the dog goes away, they enter the room of a woman to rob her, but fail horribly. Aparrently that was worth a paragraph.
So the boy, William (the movie seems to have forgotten he was in the story) talks with his Nanny (I think he`s a little too old for one) about his dreams and his Nanny wonders if `her little girl` is OK (Seriously, take a wild guess who it is, you`re probably right). William walks out of the room and bumps into Angelica, and it is there that their eyes meet and they fall in love. And then Angelica leaves and we get back to the story.
By now, I think I`ve figured out some patterns with the movie:
-Everyone needs their own scene, including the rapping dog
-Pretty= good person, Ugly=Total jerk
-Love at first sight only applies on boats, and only between pretty people
And this is kind of role reversal from the original movie: it`s a rich boy and a poor girl instead of the opposite from the original. But again, what did that James Cameron guy know?

William talks with his Nanny about the girl he just met (she only said 1 sentence to you....) and then comes across a kid who`s ball just fell down a deck (clearly this is the worst thing that will happen on this excursion). Willian offers to go retrieve the ball and, of course, runs into Angelica. They dance a bit and William asks Angelica to go to the dancing area of the ship with him (what about the ball? I actually care about the ball more than I care about the plot!). But Angelica has nothing to wear, so she goes to a random passenger and she gives Angelica a dress to wear with some magical disappearing green gloves (they`re there in a few scenes and not in others).
After this, we see the animals on the ship looking for Angelica`s locket (she lost it earlier, but it`s not entirely clear when). But in this scene you can see some of the problems with the movie: the animals have no personality. They just seem like stock characters designed to appeal to children (which they are), but it would be nice if they gave these characters a few distinctive qualities. Half the time, they just make random noises.

Pictured above: Boring mice, a boring bird, and a boring rapping dog.
The animals manage to get the locket and return it to Angelica in time for her to show up and dance with William = During the dance, Angelica flashes back to the good times they had before the dance (all 2 of them), strangely. Didn`t the movie start with flashing us back anyway? Are we... flashing back in a flashback? Is this flashbackception? It just seems odd to me to flashback in the middle of a flashback. During the dance, the animals go down below deck to celebrate....something. It`s not quite clear. Personally, I think it`s because the dog never rapped again, but you take your pick of what it is.
And then, we FINALLY get to the part everyone wants to see: the ship comes in contact with the fated iceberg (he`s the hero of the movie at this point) and begins to sink. The crewmen try to fight the rising water with buckets- aside from this being a bad idea, they`re not even emptying the water back into the ocean. It looks like less of a sinking ship and more of a splash fight between grown men. At least their shirts are still on.
William goes to rescue Angelica from below deck (on the actual Titanic, 3rd class passengers were sealed off from the rest- when they emerged on deck, there weren`t many lifeboats) as the 3rd class passengers break through the metal gate keeping them from the upper deck, because aparrently people can rip through a metal gate like paper. William and Angelica are separated due to the shortage of lifeboats, but William promises to see her again (if this is still going according to original, he may be a little dead by then).
Angelica escapes the ship in time to watch it sink (but of course, they still focus on the freaking people). The jewel thieves escape as well, and laugh about things that are going on around them that I really can`t understand. Is this supposed to make us forget that in the background, hundreds of people are dying in the sinking ship? Because it`s not working.

William escapes the room he was left in through a window (even though there`s clearly a door), and grabs a small child to bring with him (to lifeboats or death, take your pick) as the ship FINALLY goes down for real. The sight of the ship going is so bad that it makes the dalamtians aboard the lifeboat cry (with experience as a j.r vet, I can say that that`s not possible). I actually feel more sorry for the dalmatians than William at this point- they probably have some eye infection leading to the discharge.


William and the kid make it to a floating crate from the doomed ship, a lifeboat comes to rescue the child (because the lifeboats totally came back to rescue all the passengers), but are unable to rescue William, because...well, plot convienence. Angelica`s lifeboat discovers someone who looks like William, but it turns out to be a random dude with an awesome mustache. They don`t actually pull him up (but he does appear in the boat later), and continue to look for William.
We also see that the animals are safe (Including that freaking rapping dog, much to the sadness of everyone watching). But what about the other people still fighting for their lives in the water? Well, you won`t believe this one.
DOLPHINS come and rescue people in the water while Angelica and Mr. Mustache rescue William, still floating on the crate. You know how the end goes in a kids movie: William is rescued, Angelica finds her mother (William`s Nanny quite obviously), and everyone is OK (including that stupid dog). And just when we think the movie is over and we can go home to drink away our memories of this, we hear the voice of the little Yiddish mouse:
"Wait! Don`t you want to know what happened to everybody?"
NO! No, I don`t! The ending is fine, and should pretty much satisfy: The two heroes get together and are safe. Okay. It`s done. You can go now. But no, this movie decides you need to know what happened to everyone: The two get married and adopt the dalmatians, and the jewel thieves marry the stepsisters. William`s secretary gets married as well, because we all wanted to know what happened to him. They are forgetting one thing, though: WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DIED? Did they forget that little tidbit about the Titanic?Clearly the rapping dog was more important than that.

Overall, this movie was CRAP. The story is bad, the characters are bland, the subplots are almost never resolved, and it just plain reeks of lameness. This has got to be one of the worst movies EVER, and I hate it very much. If you enjoy this movie, you are either 5 years old or in a mental asylum. Also, THERE`S A FREAKING RAPPING DOG IN A MOVIE ABOUT THE TITANIC. Just by that sentence, you could tell that this movie doesn`t care about telling the story about the ship of dreams and more about squeezing every dollar out of the Titanic franchise. This ship should have sunk before it even got off the pier.


OVERALL RATING: 1/10
Yeah, this was terrible. Anyone who enjoys Titanic-or even knows what it was about-will hate this. Avoid at all costs.

The Blog Opens

I`ve set up this blog because I`m an aspiring film critic, and want tog et my work out there for people to see. My dream is to appear on That Guy With The Glasses sometime, but I just like my work. On this blog, I`ll be reviewing movies, TV, and video games, and giving my personal opinions on each. And if you don`t like my opinions TOUGH.

(DISCLAIMER: These are my personal opinions. I am not speaking on behalf of the movie`s directors.)