It`s Valentine`s Day, and here I am, typing for the blog. Yet again I have failed to get a date. But in all honesty, that dosen`t really bother me. I know I should be somewhat bitter like every other single person on Valentine`s, but I`m just happy that I can spend the day doing what I love: watching bad film. That`s not to say I don`t have an interest in girls (specifically the ones who actually choose to hang around me), but if it was between going on a date tonight or writing this blog, I`d go with the blog. Not so much as because I care about the film we`re discussing as much as I would my nonexistent girlfriend, but so I can get the terrible thoughts of the film I`ve just witnessed out of head and onto paper before they drown me in their sheer stupidity. These horrid thoughts are derived from the flopped `romance` known as Milk Money.
Want to know a great idea for a PG-rated romantic comedy? Then don`t look at this film. Everything about it is just so freakishly strange that it seems extremely wrong for a movie that intends to appeal to kids and adults. Unless all kid`s movies nowadays include hookers, murder, and gangsters, in which case it`s perfectly normal. But recent good kid`s movies (like Frozen) contain nothing of the sort, and as such the elements of Milk Money are out of place and in poor taste. Get out your Valentine`s chocolate and postpone your date (assuming you have one)- here we go.
The film opens and centers on 3 12-year old boys (Brad, Frank, Kevin) who are extremely distressed. Why? Because apparently they have never seen a woman naked. While the normal twelve-year-old thing to do would be to, say, go on youtube or get cable TV, the boys decide to pool their pocket money, go to the big city and convince a woman to strip for them. Keep in mind, this is meant for families, a fact I`ll probably be bringing up a lot in this review.
The boys ride their bikes into the big city, where they ask every woman they meet on the streets if she is a hooker. Of course, many of the women are appalled by this. We also meet a gangster who controls a hooker named V (as a fan of V for Vendetta, I disapprove). The boys almost get shot in a robbery for the pocket money they have (about 100 dollars), but the robber is stopped by V the prostitute. The boys asky her the question and she says yes, but she has to take them someplace private. She loads the kids into the taxi and has them lift up their shirts (awkward). After they do this, she says that they aren`t hairy enough to be dangerous and strips to her waist for them. If we actually got to see Melanie`s boobs, then this would be the best PG movie ever, but sadly we only see them from behind.
When the boys attempt to return to the town, they discover that their bikes have been stolen and must ride in V`s car back to their houses. The hooker`s car unfortunately breaks down in the suburb, forcing prostitute V to hide with the boys. Frank, clearly not understanding the morality of the entire situation, invites V to stay in his treehouse. V is fine with this, but needs a way to conceal the fact that she is a prostitute and eventually decides to pass her off as Brad`s tutor. Apparently the coconut doesn`t fall far from the tree- Frank`s dad Tom fails to realize a tutor wouldn`t be wearing skimpy outfits or stripping for your son (or maybe my tutors were bad ones).
V then learns that her pimp has been killed by a gangster and that he is after V. The pimp told Mr. Gangster that V has all of his money. She goes to the boys and asks to continue hiding out. The trio, excited to keep this woman trapped in their treehouse, happily oblige.
Frank manages to flunk a science test and needs to give an oral presentation to the class. And just as any 12-year old would do, he brings V to class and has her almost strip (she`s wearing a flesh-colored suit) to demonstrate parts of the female anatomy. This is totally a family movie, right? I wonder what the kids in class told their parents about the day.
Frank`s dad finds out the truth about V`s life and becomes very sad- they recently started dating in between his attempts to save the wetlands (in a pointless side plot), and he doesn`t seem to like the idea that the apparent love of his life is a prostitute (take what you can get, man). But V likes him too and reveals her true past, including the fact that her name is really.....wait for it.... Eve. As if I could even ATTEMPT compare this hooker to ANYBODY in the masterpiece V For Vendetta. Removing the -y from her name doesn`t put her on the same level as Natalie Portman.
One of the boy`s fathers discovers V`s profession as well, and in a complete disregard for his son`s friend`s dad, attempts to call her for her services. He screws up and alerts the gangster (searching V`s house for that stolen money from before) of V`s location. Tom and V are chased through town by the gangster, who is defeated by coincidence and clumsiness. Because V seems to have reformed (at least she acts like it), she goes to the gangster`s boss and explains how he was using and cheating her. V asks to be forgotten by the gang, and the boss, clearly unfamiliar with gangster logic (hasn`t he seen The Godfather?), agrees. Tom and V then discover the pimp`s money in his car, which they use to save the wetlands that Tom is obsessing over. He names it after her in her honor, and the film ends on a happy, sex-free note, unlike most movies involving prostitutes.
OVERALL RATING: 3/10
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Um..... what did I just watch, exactly?
For a film with a unique idea like this, it doesn`t do what it could with it. The idea could have been stretched to include some genuinely funny moments, assuming the producers would be willing to make it PG-13. That said, this isn`t a very good plot for a kid`s movie. Some of the acting and scenes are very weak, and overall it`s just such a surreal idea for a family picture. I don`t hate it, but it`s certainly no There`s Something About Mary.
And happy Valentine`s day, might I add, to all those in love or single. While I may not have a date, I certainly hope you do, even if it`s a date with the Theater. Love is a curious force, as powerful as strange, and nowhere is it as strong as this month. For the rest of the month, it`s nothing but romance movies for me to review. Another bitter day of love for a loveless dude. But I`m not bitter because I spent the day eating chocolate and watching romance movies on demand. If that`s not a good way to spend a holiday, I don`t know what is.
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