Hey,everybody! It`s June! Do you know what that means? Probably not,because I just made it up! It`s My Little Pony month! This month, I`ll be discussing all things pony, beginning with some of my favorite episodes and ending with the film that has the brony community split down the middle- Equestria Girls. So let`s get started!
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Half-Year Special: UPDATED
Greetings, Loyal Frog Followers! You probably have some trouble reading the half-year special. Yeah, that was my bad. I`ve got the solution, though: click and drag the mouse over the post, and you should be able to read it. I`ve got no idea whats going on there, but as soon as I can it`ll be fixed.
Monday, May 26, 2014
The Critical Frog: Half-Year Special
It's the half-year anniversary of The Critical Frog, so I though I'd do something for everyone who's decided to follow me and make sure the blog keeps moving along.
I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.
So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.
I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.
The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.
The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.
One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.
Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.
Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.
The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).
Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.
After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.
Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).
So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.
Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.
Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason) rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.
After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.
My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.
But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.
I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.
So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.
I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.
The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.
The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.
One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.
Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.
Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.
The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).
Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.
After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.
Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).
So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.
Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.
Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason) rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.
After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.
My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.
But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The Critical Frog: The Lego Movie
If there`s a person who never had their creativity sparked by toy bricks, I`ve never met him, and I don`t intend to. Lego bricks (or Mega Bloks, if you have no taste in toys) have been a great toy going on for quite a while (my dad had some when he was a kid) and entered practically all aspects of our lives: they appear in video games, TV shows, stores, food (Lego brick fruit snacks are a thing), clothing and pretty much everything else.
But what about the big screen? Influential toys or genres can make it into theaters sometimes (the Yu-Gi-Oh movie got a theatrical release), or at least make appearances here and there (Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story), but a toy normally doesn't get a full-length hour and a half film entirely dedicated to it. And any films based on toys certainly don`t normally get big-name actors like Morgan Freeman and Will Ferrell in on the project. So with an all-star cast, an interesting visual style, and a coherent plot, can Lego prove it`s worth to the film industry?
The film centers around Emmett, a construction worker who is just like everybody else: he wakes up, eats, does his work, cherishes "Everything Is Awesome" as his favorite song, and watches sitcoms with no really funny humor ("Honey, where are my pants?"). But when he decides to stay after work, he finds a stranger and falls into a pit trying to chase her. There he discovers a mysterious artifact, the Piece Of Resistance (clever wordplay here) which is also the key to stopping the evil Lord Business (Will Ferrell, an actor I love from Anchorman and Zoolander) from destroying all creation with his secret weapon: The Kraggle. The power and reality of the Kraggle is interesting, and I wouldn't dare spoil it for you.
Emmett is told he is not special by Lord Business, who wants to remove the Piece so he can use the Kraggle without fear of resistance. Before Emmett is melted, however, he is rescued by the stranger he saw earlier. This is Wyldstyle, a girl with ties to the order of Master Builders. She believes that Emmett is one too, because the piece atatched to him. She also introduces him to Virtruvius (the voice of the gods Morgan Freeman), who then tells him of their quest to place the Piece on the Kraggle to stop it. They also meet up with Batman, Benny the 1980-something spaceman, and Unikitty (a cat with a horn and tail, much to the delight of bronies everywhere) in their quest to defeat Business.
Lord Business has an assistant played by Liam Neeson named Good Cop/Bad Cop, who plays off of the interchangable faces on some Lego figures. Each side has a different personality, and that clashes with his duties in humorous ways.
While Business transforms The Kraggle into a powerful new weapon, the group travels through different Lego areas based on the toy lines and encounters many of Lord Business's minions. Eventually they reach the tower of the villains where the truth of the universe is revealed....
But I`m not discussing that yet, because it`s actually really cool. So what do I think?
OVERALL RATING: 7/10
-------------------
For a movie based on a toy, this is actually really, really good. With a talented comedic cast, a fun story and great in-jokes to the product, it`s a decent film.
But what about the big screen? Influential toys or genres can make it into theaters sometimes (the Yu-Gi-Oh movie got a theatrical release), or at least make appearances here and there (Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story), but a toy normally doesn't get a full-length hour and a half film entirely dedicated to it. And any films based on toys certainly don`t normally get big-name actors like Morgan Freeman and Will Ferrell in on the project. So with an all-star cast, an interesting visual style, and a coherent plot, can Lego prove it`s worth to the film industry?
The film centers around Emmett, a construction worker who is just like everybody else: he wakes up, eats, does his work, cherishes "Everything Is Awesome" as his favorite song, and watches sitcoms with no really funny humor ("Honey, where are my pants?"). But when he decides to stay after work, he finds a stranger and falls into a pit trying to chase her. There he discovers a mysterious artifact, the Piece Of Resistance (clever wordplay here) which is also the key to stopping the evil Lord Business (Will Ferrell, an actor I love from Anchorman and Zoolander) from destroying all creation with his secret weapon: The Kraggle. The power and reality of the Kraggle is interesting, and I wouldn't dare spoil it for you.
Emmett is told he is not special by Lord Business, who wants to remove the Piece so he can use the Kraggle without fear of resistance. Before Emmett is melted, however, he is rescued by the stranger he saw earlier. This is Wyldstyle, a girl with ties to the order of Master Builders. She believes that Emmett is one too, because the piece atatched to him. She also introduces him to Virtruvius (the voice of the gods Morgan Freeman), who then tells him of their quest to place the Piece on the Kraggle to stop it. They also meet up with Batman, Benny the 1980-something spaceman, and Unikitty (a cat with a horn and tail, much to the delight of bronies everywhere) in their quest to defeat Business.
Lord Business has an assistant played by Liam Neeson named Good Cop/Bad Cop, who plays off of the interchangable faces on some Lego figures. Each side has a different personality, and that clashes with his duties in humorous ways.
While Business transforms The Kraggle into a powerful new weapon, the group travels through different Lego areas based on the toy lines and encounters many of Lord Business's minions. Eventually they reach the tower of the villains where the truth of the universe is revealed....
But I`m not discussing that yet, because it`s actually really cool. So what do I think?
OVERALL RATING: 7/10
-------------------
For a movie based on a toy, this is actually really, really good. With a talented comedic cast, a fun story and great in-jokes to the product, it`s a decent film.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
The Critical Frog: The Two-Minute Heist
Have you ever wanted to do something crazy, but are afraid to do it because you`re afraid somebody may kick you out of a paid internship and will call the Hollywood mafia to break your knees for daring to trash something from your own kin? No? Just me? Okay then. Two-Minute Heist, people.
Yes, as I`m sure some of you know, my uncle is an actor/filmmaker and the president of Contender Films- I`m practically his personal tie to the critic world- and so it`s probably a bad idea to attempt to trash a film of his. He`s done some pretty good stuff (he was on The Wire), but also some bad, and this film happens to be one of his most personally disliked (I hope to god) of his own creations. I`m assuming this goes against some family code, and that the mafia is coming after me right now, so I`m hiding out in my bunker filled with high-tech weaponry (okay, okay, it`s my basement filled with MLP stuff) during this review. But it`s my half-anniversary, so YOLO. Please refer to the following comments before you begin reading the review:
Fans: Enjoy.
Uncle Dan: Sorry, Uncle D. Just doing my job. Nothing personal.
Mafia: Come at me, bros.
So the film opens with Dino, played by my blood, getting harassed by the Jamaican Mob (is that a thing? I`m not sure that`s a thing) and finding a dead chicken on his doorstep. The mob, from what I can gather, once lent Dino (a film producer) a lot of money to make a film that , like most movies based on ideas from the Jamaican Mob, was a horrible flop, so Dino could not afford to pay them back- and now his time is up- the mob wants it`s money back NOW.
Dino meets up with his friend Steven, an uptight guy who was the coproducer of the failed film, and they decide they need to make money quick. They believe that robbing a casino would be the best way to rack up funds. But being slackers, who knows how they could possibly do it?
While the two may be slackers, they`re also directors, and so they plan to hire actors to convince that they are shooting a film, and that everybody involved with the heist- police, hostages, the like- are all part of the production. Of course, they end up getting actors (only one worth mentioning is a fat girl who they cast because she has an attractive sister- can we get Catherine Breillat in here?) and the heist goes ahead.
This is a really odd film, not because of the plot, which is ambitious, but because of all the side ideas and plots going on. They have an accountant, who`s purpose I don`t understand, the stories of all the actors/robbers, the dead chicken (later cooked by Dino), the mob and some oregano, and some Mexican soap opera with a little kid (Actually my cousin Don, who you followers may remember), and......zzzzz......
Sorry, I nodded off. Sitting here awaiting the mafia gets boring after a while. How did Scarface do it?
So the plot's a bit tangled, the transitions are odd, and I have to say it`s a bit confusing. The ending is a bit disappointing and many of the plot points aren`t resolved. I can`t say I understand some parts of the film, as it comes off as a bit confusing, but I need to admit, Dino can be a good actor when he needs to (unlike in Crazy Eights, where he was the opening kill and had no chance to have fun with the role), and sometimes he kind of looks uninterested in the scene. But seeing as how the film was the brain child of my mentor in the film business (except Ebert), can I really dislike this movie? You might actually be surprised.
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
-----------------------------------------------
Bet you weren`t expecting that I actually enjoyed it somewhat, were you?
Yeah, some parts are odd and confusing. Can I fully say I understand it? Nope. But do I like it? Yes.
It`s easy to defend the film. I could talk about the in-jokes to film making and the film-within-a-film gags, even go as far as to call it Filmception (you know, Inception is about film making, come to think of it). I don`t think it`s a fantastic comedy, per se, but it`s actually better than most of the recent comedies in theaters (I`m looking at you, Grown-Ups). I`d say it`s at least worth a shot.....
Oh no, the Mafia`s here! Quickly, get behind the air hockey table! There are some Nerf guns down there, and I reengineered the pony toys to be laser-shooting automatons. Cheerilee and Rainbow Dash should buy enough time for me to upload this post! Maybe then the Mafia will go away. Until then.....
Yes, as I`m sure some of you know, my uncle is an actor/filmmaker and the president of Contender Films- I`m practically his personal tie to the critic world- and so it`s probably a bad idea to attempt to trash a film of his. He`s done some pretty good stuff (he was on The Wire), but also some bad, and this film happens to be one of his most personally disliked (I hope to god) of his own creations. I`m assuming this goes against some family code, and that the mafia is coming after me right now, so I`m hiding out in my bunker filled with high-tech weaponry (okay, okay, it`s my basement filled with MLP stuff) during this review. But it`s my half-anniversary, so YOLO. Please refer to the following comments before you begin reading the review:
Fans: Enjoy.
Uncle Dan: Sorry, Uncle D. Just doing my job. Nothing personal.
Mafia: Come at me, bros.
So the film opens with Dino, played by my blood, getting harassed by the Jamaican Mob (is that a thing? I`m not sure that`s a thing) and finding a dead chicken on his doorstep. The mob, from what I can gather, once lent Dino (a film producer) a lot of money to make a film that , like most movies based on ideas from the Jamaican Mob, was a horrible flop, so Dino could not afford to pay them back- and now his time is up- the mob wants it`s money back NOW.
Dino meets up with his friend Steven, an uptight guy who was the coproducer of the failed film, and they decide they need to make money quick. They believe that robbing a casino would be the best way to rack up funds. But being slackers, who knows how they could possibly do it?
While the two may be slackers, they`re also directors, and so they plan to hire actors to convince that they are shooting a film, and that everybody involved with the heist- police, hostages, the like- are all part of the production. Of course, they end up getting actors (only one worth mentioning is a fat girl who they cast because she has an attractive sister- can we get Catherine Breillat in here?) and the heist goes ahead.
This is a really odd film, not because of the plot, which is ambitious, but because of all the side ideas and plots going on. They have an accountant, who`s purpose I don`t understand, the stories of all the actors/robbers, the dead chicken (later cooked by Dino), the mob and some oregano, and some Mexican soap opera with a little kid (Actually my cousin Don, who you followers may remember), and......zzzzz......
Sorry, I nodded off. Sitting here awaiting the mafia gets boring after a while. How did Scarface do it?
So the plot's a bit tangled, the transitions are odd, and I have to say it`s a bit confusing. The ending is a bit disappointing and many of the plot points aren`t resolved. I can`t say I understand some parts of the film, as it comes off as a bit confusing, but I need to admit, Dino can be a good actor when he needs to (unlike in Crazy Eights, where he was the opening kill and had no chance to have fun with the role), and sometimes he kind of looks uninterested in the scene. But seeing as how the film was the brain child of my mentor in the film business (except Ebert), can I really dislike this movie? You might actually be surprised.
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
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Bet you weren`t expecting that I actually enjoyed it somewhat, were you?
Yeah, some parts are odd and confusing. Can I fully say I understand it? Nope. But do I like it? Yes.
It`s easy to defend the film. I could talk about the in-jokes to film making and the film-within-a-film gags, even go as far as to call it Filmception (you know, Inception is about film making, come to think of it). I don`t think it`s a fantastic comedy, per se, but it`s actually better than most of the recent comedies in theaters (I`m looking at you, Grown-Ups). I`d say it`s at least worth a shot.....
Oh no, the Mafia`s here! Quickly, get behind the air hockey table! There are some Nerf guns down there, and I reengineered the pony toys to be laser-shooting automatons. Cheerilee and Rainbow Dash should buy enough time for me to upload this post! Maybe then the Mafia will go away. Until then.....
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Frog`s Garage Sale Adventure Log
So today , to support my Odyssey Of The Mind team (like schoolwork, but with more snacks), I`m working at a garage sale under my alter ego- D.J Froggy G, a hip dude wearing sunglasses willing to play any song whatsoever for anybody willing to shell out a few bucks. This is probably going to take a while, so I`m editing it live as the sale goes on.
7:32- Made my first sale! Unfortunately, it was only a quarter. But that was good- I think we can call it a day.
7:57- No DJ requests yet... ho hum.
9:13- Sale made bearable with discovery of multitasking- can now play Hearthstone AND do DJ work at the same time!
9:53- Still no Requests.... entertaining myself by sucking at games and blaming it on sun glare
10:34- Somebody gave me 5$ in donations because he liked the music. SUCCESS!
11:01- Got a request! Sadly, it was from mom- free by default.
11:19- Inventory is about halfway gone
11:25- Got my first PAID request!
11:45- Took a healthy lunch break- 1/2 bag of Tortilla chips and 4 chocolate chip cookies
12:10- Went outside to promote sale by holding up sign
12:15- Decided sigh-holding was boring- resumed DJ duties
12:30- Still no freaking requests
1:07- Realized futility of meaningless existence, vowed to do something better with my life than complain about films
1:07- Idea completely forgotten about in favor of playing new AQWorlds release
1:23- My god, how long is this freaking garage sale?
1:36 - They`re starting to clean up!
1:38- Thank you for finally closing the sale up- wait, what? NO! NO, RANDOM GROUP OF CARS! DO NOT COME OVER HERE! I WANT TO GO HOME! AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!
1:40- All quiet on the Parking Lot front..... has it ended?
2:13 OH THANK GOD ITS OVER. Now back to being an unproductive slacker. Toodles!
Monday, May 5, 2014
The Critical Frog`s 10 Favorite Video Game Bosses: #2
#2: Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)
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Yep, THERE he is. Of course he has a high spot on the list. Hey, I brought it up twice. I said I`d put Mantis on the list and here he is. Got an issue? No? Good.
Really, what can I say about Psycho Mantis that hasn`t been said by all the critics before me? Ask anyone who knows anything about good bosses, even those who haven`t played MGS, and they will probably tell you about the sheer lunacy and infamy that is Psycho Mantis. Where to begin, where to begin....
When you enter the area, he possesses your teammate Maril, insults your sexuality for refusing the hypnotized girl`s offers of love, and then asks you to place your controller on the floor to demonstrate his powers. He causes it to vibrate if you put it on a hard surface and proceeds to read your mind by telling you what video games you recently played by reading your Gamecube memory card. If you didn`t understand how he did this, it was actually really freaky.
During the fight, he continues to display his evil powers by making pictures behind him laugh, turning invisible, throwing things at you with his telekinesis and blacking out your TV screen. He was also able to avoid every move you threw at him by reading your controller unless you broke his control by switching controller ports. How many people playing this would have guessed something like that? I sure didn`t.
There`s not much to say here, primarily because I`d end up sounding like practically everybody else. Let me just say that I`m yet another critic proclaiming his brilliance. This is the fight that inspired The Sorrow. Even many years after this game`s release, no boss has ever gotten closer to absolutely shattering the fourth wall between gamers and reality. But if this guy is so spectacular, what can possibly beat him?
Another boss from the Metal Gear Solid series, of course!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yep, THERE he is. Of course he has a high spot on the list. Hey, I brought it up twice. I said I`d put Mantis on the list and here he is. Got an issue? No? Good.
 |
| A rolling Doug Stone gathers no negative reviews. |
When you enter the area, he possesses your teammate Maril, insults your sexuality for refusing the hypnotized girl`s offers of love, and then asks you to place your controller on the floor to demonstrate his powers. He causes it to vibrate if you put it on a hard surface and proceeds to read your mind by telling you what video games you recently played by reading your Gamecube memory card. If you didn`t understand how he did this, it was actually really freaky.
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| Depends-which Castlevania are we talking about here? |
One other thing worth mentioning is his defeat: Mantis`s mask is removed and his hideous face is revealed. He also explains his viewpoints on life and why he uses his powers for evil. It`s actually a very deep conversation and sheds light on Psycho Mantis`s personality- he seems like someone who once had it all, but then lost it and feels the need to channel his hatred onto others, like someone fallen from grace.
Another thing worth mentioning about him is his counterpart, Screaming Mantis from MGS4 (Mantis is also a decent battle, but nothing good enough to make this list). Screaming can summon the spirits of the dead to help in battle, and at the end of the fight Psycho Mantis appears for one last haunt. He tries to read your mind again, but is stopped....not by your superb gamer mind or Snake`s pure badassery, but by your advanced Playstation 2 hardware.
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| But not even 4th wall powers can stop Snake. |
.jpg) |
| "Hey, remember when I freaked you out as a little kid? Let`s do that again!" |
There`s not much to say here, primarily because I`d end up sounding like practically everybody else. Let me just say that I`m yet another critic proclaiming his brilliance. This is the fight that inspired The Sorrow. Even many years after this game`s release, no boss has ever gotten closer to absolutely shattering the fourth wall between gamers and reality. But if this guy is so spectacular, what can possibly beat him?
Another boss from the Metal Gear Solid series, of course!
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