The Critical Frog: Where The Dead Go To Die

Last year, I reviewed George of the Jungle 2. I'll skip the details and say that I wasn't a fan. I called it the worst film of all time- not because of the horrible comedy or actor changes but because of what the original meant to me. There's a reason I don't give a lot of films zeroes in rating, and because it's Ebert month, now's a good time to explain it.

Roger Ebert once said that a rating of zero stars could only be given to a certain kind of film. One that is not simply terrible in terms of acting but that also offends at a deep and personal level. And the few films that I have bestowed this rating on deserve it: North used divorce and stereotyping in attempts at humor, Garbage Pail Kids had a backwards moral and terrible characters, and Deuce Bigalow was a Rob Schneider film. Fair is fair, after all.

But eventually I heard the whispers. Stories passed around by other critics of a new horrible film sweeping the internet. A film so terrible that quite a few critics even outright refuse to review it. A film so terrible it is beyond criticism. A film called "Where The Dead go to Die". 

I am a critic. I believe that criticism is an art form, just as much as the creation of the film. The reason I review all of these terrible films is so that future film makers can learn from the mistakes of the past. By identifying and pointing out the mistakes made by these abominations, people can understand how not to make these mistakles in the future. And as the critics before me have seemingly refused to review this, the commandeering of the crusade against it falls to me.

I don't care if this film is evil. I don't care if it's disgusting. It must be crushed here and now so that nothing like it happens again. I'm going to take this abomination down, and I don't care how much of my sanity goes with it.

This is a film from the ill-fated Draconian Films, directed by Jimmy Screamerclauz (no, I'm not making that up), that tells the story of three children living on the same street. They each have problems in their life, and are helped along in life by a satanic dog named Labby. Off to a good start. aren't we?

Not even five minutes into the film and we've already got the plot to the first story, "Tainted Milk": A boy named Tommy is visited by the satanic dog, who tells him that the new baby his mother is pregnant with is destined to be the antichrist. Why? Because apparently, once the first baby is born from a parent, the milk of the parent is "Tainted" with the powers of satan's minions, the Shadow Men. Why Tommy would choose to kill a baby (or, in fact, listen to the red-eyed dog with a creepy stutter anyways) is anyone's guess, but the boy and the dog assault the parents, killing them. This drives Tommy to madness, and we enter a train ride through hell as the boy experiences what your nightmares will look like tonight.
There isn't much else to say about this story- it's just a ride through the underworld as the boy faces the consequences of someone else's actions. He meets disturbingly symbolic imagery, nightmarish creatures, and what I can only assume is Darth Maul after sucking helium. Let me ask you something. Does this sound like a film you would like to see? If it does, please do send me a note. I'll forward it along to an asylum for you.

Story 2 is about a thief who kills people and steals their memories. We see him discovering the corpse of the fetus from the first short and stealing it, while explaining that he wishes to use the memory liquid to understand the meanings of death. He is urged on by  the Shadow Men as he kills and extracts, Somehow this leads to a story about an amputee having a flashback, revealing he was once a  Nazi who had his legs amputated by what I can only describe as cookie demons. The amputee is shortly killed by a prostitute who he tried to attack, and that scene ends. We see later that the prostitute has lost an eye and takes shelter near the lair of the thief, who proceeds into his own trip into madness while the prostitute dies in his arms. He spouts some supposedly meaningful dialogue and we continue with the horror show.

The third story involves Ralph, a boy who has the face and brain of his fetus twin brother embedded in his face due to a freak accident in the womb. When the story opens, we see that his parents refuse the treatment options of the doctor because they don't want to kill the fetus (I'm not bringing up abortion here. It's inappropriate and tasteless.). They believe that Ralph killed the twin on purpose, and so they hate him. He is overcome with shame and wears what looks like a bondage mask to cover up his brother. He meets a little girl, Sophia, who he instantly falls in love with. The bad news is that she is actually the star of a child porn trading ring, and her father enforces discipline by hanging her to the ceiling via a torture mask. Ralph sees some of her 'work' and, with the help of Labby, seeks to set his true love free from her abused life. Naturally, because this movie is made by psychos, they need to throw in as much disturbing imagery and nonsense as possible. As this story seems to take the longest and has the most bizarre images, I guess you could call this the main attraction. Too bad none of us wanted to stay past the opening act.

There's a reason I'm not going into a lot of detail here. It's because I love you guys (don't take that out of context). I don't want to tell you everything that happens because it would unnerve and disturb you more than what I have covered. I may not care about my own sanity, but I do care about yours.

This is not a "So-Bad-It's-Good" film. This is not a "You Have To See To Believe" film. There is absolutely no reason I can give you to see this. Please, for all that is good in the world, DO NOT try to look it up. I don't think I'll ever be the same. You're perfect like you are.

Labby isn't the monster in this film. The creators are the real monsters.

OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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Every taboo in the book is here: child porn, incest, abortion, murder, prostitution...you name it. It's disgusting, slovenly and horrific in every way. The voice acting? Atrocious. The story? Awful. The animation? What kind of twisted nut makes this stuff?

There's nothing redeeming here, and nothing to watch it for. End of story.

....So, did I pass the critic test?
......No? But I watched the worst thing I could find!
......What do you mean I also need to point out the flaws in my favorites?
.;.....You don't mean........

COMING SOON: Frog reviews V For Vendetta

The Critical Frog: Film Festival Day 2

Table of Contents:
1: El Critico
2: To Life!
3: Monument to Michael Jackson


Being a critic is tough. You really can't just leave your brains outside the door for a film anymore. You've got to analyze every little bit of every little scene. And sometimes this ends up translating to things where, to be honest, you don't want it to. This is where El Critico comes in and HOLY REALIZATION THIS ENTIRE THING IS A METAPHOR FOR FILM CRITICS.

The film is about a film critic who's obsession with film has caused him to adapt a hardened and insanely cynical attitude on not only film but life. On his quest for an apartment he meets a girl who he takes a liking to, who challenges his ideals about film and life.

The film itself is kind of hard to talk about without seeing it yourself- a lot of the humor depends on your knowledge of criticism and film cliches in general. There isn't much I can say without giving a lot away- but it's definitely worth a watch.

OVERALL RATING; 9/10

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I've never really been a fan of films that revolve around WWII- Era people- The Wind Rises and Downfall being exceptions. Nor have I been a fan of films that use religion for either cheap laughter or pity. Combine these two factors and you get To Life.

It's not that this was a bad film- not at all. It just wasn't my thing. A man meets an old woman while helping her move and thwarts her suicide attempt. After she winds up committed to a mental hospital, she tells the man her story of growing up in Nazi-occupied Poland and her trials.

There are a lot of things to like about this film, but they just aren't for me. The story is heartbreaking but nice, the characters are diverse and deep, and the flashbacks of the old woman as a parlor singer are excellent. I do wish films like this were able to speak to me a little more, but that's just how I roll. I'd say it's worth a look, but if this isn't your idea of a good time, steer clear.

OVERALL RATING: 7/10
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Of all the superstars in the world of music, not many get as big of a laugh as Michael Jackson. He was, among other things, two races, two sexes, a pedophile, and the subject of a few good episodes of South Park. But no matter what you thought of the guy, you have to admit that he was the creator of the greatest music video of all time. He made Thriller. And that makes up for it all.

This film is about people who believe that he was a miracle worker- or some of them. They want to build a monument to the star in the hopes that it will provide their dying town with much-needed tourism. Standing in their way is the town's leader and some active protestors.

If there's a word that can describe this comedy, it's bittersweet: there are a lot of dark jokes here and a lot of trash talk thrown around on both sides. It's ending is quite dark, but still amusing. It's nothing masterful, but it's decent.

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

The Critical Frog: The 100-Year Old Man Who Jumped Out The Window And Disappeared

Here I am at the Minneapolis Foreign Film Festival. I visited here over spring break and spent some time knocking around the Mall of America before heading down to the city to witness the opening night spectacle, the film of this review. I waited over 30 minutes in a line for tickets. It was totally worth it- not only for the film, but to be the first critic in America to review it. Yes, this post is literally the equivalent of those annoying "First" comments on YouTube, with the addition of some actual substance.

There is a scene in this film where an elderly man ties hot dogs to a pile of explosives. He uses this to lure out the fox that killed his cat and blow it sky-high. It takes place in the first 5 minutes of the film. This is a movie that doesn't waste any time telling you how seriously it's going to take itself.

The 100-Year Old Man Who Jumped Out The Window And Disappeared plays out somewhat like Forrest Gump: Allan, a 100-year old alcoholic and explosives expert, is placed in a retirement home. He does not like it, and after jumping out the window (not so much 'jumping' as 'slowly climbing', though), he takes what little money he has and wanders the countryside. The man accidentally winds up with 50 million dollars in a suitcase, and attracts the attention of a dangerous biker gang. As he runs and hides, he retells his experiences of the past. 

Yes, it seems like the old man has a Gump-like past himself, trying to make it through life whilst stumbling into people and experiences. Somehow, though, Allan's life makes Gump's pale- while Forrest may meet a president, Allan gets the opportunity to not only meet two presidents but to have a drunken dance party with Josef Stalin. 

The old man eventually meets comrades willing to travel with him: A fellow elder and drinking buddy, a college student, a girl and an elephant, who all eventually agree to travel with him (in exchange for some of the money, of course). But the gang who wants the funds back is always on their tail, and the gang is forced to stop them with...indifference.

Yes, any and all deaths in the movie are completely by accident. The entire reason the bikers get mad is because Allan's old buddy forgot to turn off the freezer. It isn't even until the end of the film that they even realize they're in danger.

Also adding to the mix you have a detective who is chasing Allan as a runaway, the remnants of the biker gang, a train station clerk, a mob boss and a jealous ex. As jumbled as this sounds, the screenplay somehow ties it together with some tossed but believable coincidences. 

I like this film, I really do. The acting is great (a lot of it was improv), the story is fun, the comedy is great, and the characters are memorable. This is the director's first try at making a film. Keep it up, Felix, and you'll go places.

OVERALL RATING: 8/10

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There's a special feeling you get when you're the first one to clap. Like you're giving something the special recognition it truly deserves. And this one really deserves it. It's comedy genius.

Forrest Gump meets old people. A lighthearted comedy that pulls all the right strings and portrays the senile character with a certain charm and dignity. It's a great watch, and I do hope it gets some more release outside of Europe. Personally, I may check it out again myself.

The Critical Frog: MLP Season 5 First Thoughts

Yeah, yeah, I know I promised all of you a review of Where The Dead Go To Die. It's coming, so bear with me on that one. It's not something you can rush into. Besides, the long-awaited Season 5 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is here, and I wanted to take a break from bad film to show my first thoughts about the new season from viewing the first episode, "Cutie Map".

Of course, like all other season openers, this is a two-parter. It takes place after the events of Twilight's Kingdom (Awesome season finale is awesome), where the Mane 6 are settling in to life in the new Castle of Friendship. They discover that sitting in their thrones projects a map of the entire world of Equestria, and that it detects friendship problems around the world that the ponies must solve. This map leads them to a strange town with no name (it's always just described as 'The Town' or 'Our Town') where every pony seems to have the exact same cutie mark: an equals sign.

The group meets up with the town's leader, who explains that every pony in the town has given up their special talent and become truly equal, including her, under the belief that having a special talent makes you conceded and leads to heartbreak. The leader has a magical item, the Staff of Sameness, that has the power to remove a pony's cutie mark and special talent, rendering them equal to all others affected by the staff. Everyone except Fluttershy suspects foul play due to the residents of the town's unnatural smiles and attitudes. It's quite clear that something is wrong with this town- but what?

I think it's safe to say that this is clearly a cult situation- and to be honest, MLP manages to approach the subject with a lighter hand than most. The group does function primarily like a cult- you have the respected leader, the unified belief and followers- they even throw in a bit of typical cult brainwashing methods. It's a pretty heavy topic to approach, especially for a kid's cartoon. But somehow these episodes do manage to get the point across that things like this are bad.

Of course, the humor in the episode is spot on- the characters retain their personalities, the jokes hit the mark, and the plot moves well and straightforward despite the humor. The song is alright- I wouldn't compare it to something like Under Our Spell, but as a quick rhythmic beat, it works.

Overall, I think this is a good start to a season- high hopes.