The Critical Frog: Milestones of 2015

Frog's Milestones of 2015
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SCHOOL
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-After months of hard studying and relentless work (see 'completely BSing his book summaries while watching reruns of Kill La Kill, I have managed to rack up enough credits to graduate from high school early. Ironically, now that I have nothing else to worry about, spending all night messing around on the computer instead of doing actual work has lost much of it's luster. I think I actually use my laptop somewhat less than I did when I had class.

-Due to his graduation, Frog has had to retire from Yu-Gi-Oh Club. Parting gifts have been left and a new head has been elected- until I decide to show up years later with a cape and ridiculous deck for a final showdown a la the end of Yu-Gi-Oh GX.
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WRITING
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-The Blog has reached over 5,000 views! I don't know how it happened, but seriously, thanks from the bottom of my heart. Maybe someday I'll be able to express how thankful I really am- but I don't think such kind words exist yet. If this takes off, I'm afraid I won't have much to give in return- but at least you'll be able to say you liked The Critical Frog before it was cool.

-I've also been trying my hand at some fictional writing. Not only have I finished my first few ideas for LARP quests and characters (I hope the kids like volcanoes), but I actually managed to get some of my work on the SCP Foundation site! The site has had a huge impact on how I write and influenced many of my own ideas, and I thought the best way to say thanks would be to make a contribution to the ever-growing library. It's nothing compared to some of the great articles on the site, but it's a start. If you want, you can read my SCP Submission here:
 http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2520
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GAMING
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-Much to the chagrin of many hardcore gamers, I have chosen to forego League of Legends in favor of the much more relaxed Heroes of the Storm. Sure, I'm still bad at it, but it's nice to go through a game without being called approximately fifty curses per minute. The fact that I don't have to play with actual people is also a nice touch.

-My application to become an official bug tester for Mechquest has unfortunately been denied. Oh, well, there's always next time. Someday, those glitches will pay for freezing the game when I was so close to winning the game's hardest challenge.

-My true calling in Wizard101 has been discovered: Necromancy. I was a necromancer in my early days of Adventure Quest too. Do the personality test results have anything to do with those Mythology random draw sticks where I ended up drawing Hades five times in a row?
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MUSIC
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-Spotify has finally added The Beatles to their collection of artists. This means we're one step closer to getting the real treasure added: the Space Jam soundtrack.

-Was introduced to The Cruxshadows. They now take up 2/5 of my music playlist in two months.
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PONY
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-Had the pleasure of attending a Shake-Ups concert at Gencon. Purchased a coloring book signed by the band and a T-Shirt. Also had a nice talk with a few of them.The lead guitarist does a pretty great Discord impression.

-Finally read the fan fiction My Little Dashie. I didnt cry....I swear.......

-Season 5 is over and the hiatus has begun. The finale wasn't as good as the last one, but was great. I figured Id get that one out of the way so I didnt have to devote an entire blog post to it.

-Sunset Shimmer is still my waifu. The whole phoenix thing at the end of EG3 only made it better. What can I say? I love a girl who's.... hot. ...That pun was bad, I apologize.
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The Critical Frog: Star Wars XII: The Force Awakens

Captain's Frog Log- Stardate 12/29/3015

Starship Identification: SS Star Trek Parody 

Captain: Froggins T. Hoppington, "The Frog" (Communications Head)

Tensions aboard the Star Trek Parody are building between the crew. Our stereotypical personalities have begun to conflict with each other's, but that is to be expected from a ragtag band of misfits such as ourselves. I thought that perhaps I could lighten the mood between us all by taking the crew out to a film. Never before have I been so prepared for the torrent of opinions my crew, and the community in general, have argued about. We have been advised to finish this joke before the comments begin to hate me for using a Star Trek joke in a review about Star Wars. Approaching the Joke Docking Bay as we speak. We will park in between the SS Brony Joke and the SS Reference Nobody Will Get and await further instructions. Captain Frog, signing off. 

In all seriousness, this film hasn't been out for a week and is already one of the most talked about movies- or sequels in general, for that matter- of quite some time. And why wouldn't it be? 

For one, not only is it A NEW STAR WARS MOVIE YOU GUYS, it's not made by George Lucas, instead being produced by Disney. Of course, this itself is not a bad thing- it's not like Disney is bad at making films. It's their sequels that get to people- and what better sequel to see if they broke that streak than a long-awaited continuation to one of the most popular sagas of all time?

Well.......that all depends on what the fans wanted out of it, There's no way I can properly talk about this without irking some fan or another. If I was to point out the flaws, then I would be a moron for criticizing a classic series. If I was to say it's perfect, I would be a moron for pandering to a crowd. 

The story is simple, as far as Star Wars goes: from the ashes of the old Empire (collapsed after the death of Emperor Palpatine) comes the First Order, a powerful force headed by the mysterious Supreme Leader Snoke  and his prodigy- the Sith lord Kylo Ren. In typical Evil Intergalactic Villain fashion, they have acquired a weapon that focuses the power of the sun into a massive cannon that makes the Death Star seem like a child's toy (while the original has been shown to blow up a planet, this one manages to get at least five with a single shot) that they intend to use to wipe the galaxy clean of the last fragments of the Resistance, now headed by General Leia (who has apparently outgrown her old Cinnamon-Bun hairstyle. Luke Skywalker has faded into the galaxy, his location unknown, and Han Solo has returned to his life of intergalactic trucking. But when a Rebellion droid finds it's way into the hands of a desert wanderer by the name of Rey  and a reformed Stormtrooper named Finn (discharged due to his ability to actually hit his target) containing a part of the map to Skywalker's last known location, a chain of events is set off that leaves the fate of the galaxy in the hands of old friends and new allies. But could it be that Kylo has ties to the Rebellion's leaders himself?

It's wonderful to see some of the old cast back in their most known roles. Han Solo, Chewbacca, Leia, and even C-3P0 make welcomed returns, as do the traditional weapons and powers of the series. Kylo Ren himself, while not holding a candle to James Earl Jones' deep tones, displays some pretty cool new uses of The Force (such as the ability to paralyze his foes and freeze blaster fire in midair) and an interesting new Lightsaber design. This offsets the fact that his true face reveals the man to be the long-lost brother of Edward Scissorhands. Compared to the past Star Wars villains, he's run of the mill, but in terms of Star Wars, that's still a good thing. 

At the end of the day, it boils down to it being Star Wars, revived and ready for action once again. The classic films have stood the test of time, and while this one is not perfect, it's got everything we wanted to see. Lightsaber duels? Sure. Cameos and returning actors? Yep. Epic starship combat? You bet.The series has been set alight once again, with a winking sense of humor and a newfound cast of heroes and villains, but it's still imperfect. And that's just the way I like it,

Overall Rating: 9/10

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It's your movie. That's the best I can say. It's everything we wanted from a new Star Wars- nothing more, nothing less. It's a good thing that we wanted so much. Though several points are opened, and I want to throw my hat in the ring on what we should have in the next film:

-Luke Skywalker and some  more Jedi stuff

-More Lightsaber duels. So many more Lightsaber duels.

-PLOT TWIST: Chewbacca has been retired for years, and the Wookie currently fighting in the series is actually his son Lumpy. Chewie's wife Mala takes care of her husband while wondering about the fate of her son and staring at father Itchy's body, still rotting in the VR Wookie Porn Chair given to him by Art Carney in the holiday special. They figured it would be easier to just leave him there. 

-Jar Jar Binks getting revealed as either A: The next Sith Lord, B: Dead, C: Supreme Leader Snoke, or D: The next Yoda.

-Jabba The Hutt or his son continuing their habit of capturing women (Forget the censors, give me Slave Rey.)

-The Ghost of Darth Vader. I don't care how, just do it.

-A Trap, just for the sole purpose of Admiral Ackbar expressing surprise at it, 

The Critical Frog: SOAC Act 3: Frog Tries Not To Be A Jerk

There's a fine line between being critical and just plain being a jerk, and there's nothing I hate doing more than walking that line (except George of the Jungle 2, but seriously, screw that movie). This is much more prevalent when a cartoon or film shows and stars characters dealing with real-life issues- issues that could raise a lot of controversy and aggression towards me if I step out of line. And lucky for us, today I'm going to get those out of the way. There aren't many shows left after this, so let's get to it.

Punky
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What exactly do I mean when I say walking the line? Well, Punky is a show about a girl with Downs's Syndrome. It's good that a show is drawing attention to this, but here's the problem: it never directly addresses the issue. There's no difference between Punky and any other character: she just acts like every troublemaking kid in the 90's era of cartooning. She dances, plays with her friends and dog, and finds solutions to problems, all while overcoming her syndrome in my eyes.. That is, if I didnt have to play the intro to know that she had it in the first place.

As far as kid's shows go, it's not too bad. As a representation of Down's, however? Well....I believe the great Danny Sexbang put it best: "I think our friends out there with (Insert Medical Condition) deserve something much better than this."

3/5
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Dr. Wonder's Workshop
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Being deaf is a condition that I could never take, given my line of work. The fact that not too many films or cartoons will originally broadcast in a method that allows the deaf to fairly judge and enjoy them. This is the problem that Dr. Wonder's Workshop aims to solve, by not only starring an entire cast of deaf characters, but by having the show's characters sign out their lines rather than say them (a voice-over is provided for us listeners). And it works.

I'm not sure who came up with the idea to broadcast Dr. Wonder's Workshop, but they're a good person in my book. Appealing to the deaf culture and giving sign language it's turn on the screen was a big leap for children's television, and while a decent show by itself, gives Dr. Wonder it's place on the channel and a welcome distraction for the hearing-impaired. The only main question here is what exactly they produce in this workshop- and to be fair, I have no clue.

The story of the workshop is simple: Dr. Wonder and his employees (Token Women, Token Old Man, Token Black Guy and Token White Guy) do things around the workshop while teaching lessons about responsibility, honesty and safety, with interwoven bible stories and interviews with other users of sign language. We learn how to be careful on the internet when going to sites you do not know (but Drwonder.com is safe, of course), how to prioritize work before play, and more importantly, exactly how much the two male employees want to go to a St. Louis Cardinals game. No matter what the situation, lessons are learned and signed. It's interesting to mention that even Dr. Wonder himself has slips in judgement, and winds up making mistakes- not just leaving that to his assistants.

Is there a future in television for the deaf culture? Maybe. If shows can take the success of popular cartoons lately and mix that in with sign language, then we could easily be capable of making shows accessible before subtitled DVDs need to be purchased. Given, it would be hard to adapt some of these to fit the method (how do you sign with hooves?), but Dr. Wonder's Workshop is a nice start.

4/5
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Who Do Ewe Follow/ Lassie
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It's a bad sign when the network occasionally replaces your show with a public domain one from the early days of TV. It's even worse when even the TV guide thinks it's your show that's playing. And it gets much worse when you realize that the public domain show is much more entertaining than yours.

Who Do Ewe Follow is one of those shows that even the networks are ashamed to admit are theirs. It's as staple as you can imagine, the songs are weak, and the animation is mediocre at best. A flock of sheep deliberately ignores their herder and constantly mess up, while a pack of wolves attempts to eat them with similar results. Cue the bible jokes and end the review.

To be frank, I'd much rather talk about Lassie than this. The only problem with that is that nobody wants to hear me talk about Lassie- everybody already knows what people can say about this. Guess we could hand it to SOAC for having some sort of quality control. Now all we need to do is get them to knock a few of these shows off their list.....

0/5 for Who Do Ewe Follow/4/5 for Lassie
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Well, that's it for this edition of SOAC Network. I've covered everything I need to say about the network, except for one show- which I'll explain next week. Until then, happy holidays!

The Critical Frog :SOACN Act Two: Dreams and Demons

In this edition of Frog Reviewing The Smile Of A Child Children's Network, we;ll be discussing some of the more interesting submissions to the channel. Some of these aren't bad, some are surprising, and some are abominable.

Sing Along With Gina D (Or Gina D's Kids Club)

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Once upon a time, a little girl named Gina D went to her grandmother's house. While she was asleep, she had a dream that the house was a kid's club. Disregarding the possibilities of remembering said dream (assuming it occurred during REM sleep), and the shady implications of a grown woman and her friends hanging around small children, she remembered it fondly, and when she grew up, decided to make her dream a reality, presumably after sending her grandmother to a retirement home and taking over the house.

I'm really not sure how to describe this show. Ever seen one of those kid's shows that features a few live-action characters interacting with cartoon characters, puppets, and otherwise nonliving characters  (The Wiggles)? Think of that, but instead of four people, it's two- and instead of several different songs, repeated ones carrying on from episode to episode.

This show is, quite obviously, a musical show for small children. Our hosts are Gina D herself, the rejected brother of Crocodile Dundee (Simon Wallaby), Pierre the Frenchman (who is definitely not stereotypical at ALL, guys), and Mr. Pockets, who you may recognize as that creepy clown you always see during your nightmares. They are joined by TV Ted (a TV), Doggie Brown (A dog) and several puppets, all of which appear to simply ask Gina to sing a certain song or to learn lessons about friendship and such, all through the same songs.

I have no issues with repeated songs- it's just interesting to see that Gina herself (an actually alright singer) uses these as segues into other bits and newer songs. The only other thing worth mentioning here is the tour footage that plays at the end of a few episodes. This shows Gina and some of her friends touring and appealing to children, while a gospel hymm is sung in the background (you didnt think we wouldn't throw in the Bible SOMEWHERE, did you?).

As far as kid's shows go, even Bible shows, this isn't bad. I wouldn't go as far as to compare it to some of the other things aired on the channel, At the most, it's harmless singing with morals and religion thrown in. Harmless, that's the best way to describe this. Except maybe Mr. Pockets- I don't trust that clown.

3/5
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Little Buds
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I'm just going to say it flat-out: BURN THIS. Burn the puppets, dismantle the set, and tell the children to get a news parody from something else (the Jelly News, perhaps, if you stick with the channel?). This is not the kind of thing a network should want to be affiliated with.

The show's plot? Heck if I know. Apparently this is a news network run by flowers, who maintain a standard television station until letters begin to attack. The rest of this 22-minute program is the alphabet. Literally. It just takes the single letter and displays examples for roughly 16 minutes. It's dull, tiring and overall unpleasant.

You know what this is? This is a Creepypasta waiting to happen. One of those little kid's shows that seems innocent until freaky stuff begins to happen and the kids begin to act crazy . I half expect to see a still frame of these hideous flower puppets bleeding from their hyper-realistic eyes.

0/5
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Aardvark to Zucchini
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HELLO, HUMANS. AM NORMAL AARDVARK. AM NOT DEMON. ME HAVE FRIEND ZUCCHINI. IT NORMAL ZUCCHINI, NOT DEMON, LIKE ME, AARDVARK. YOU WATCH SHOW AND LEARN ALPHABETS. WE TEACH YOU LETTERS NOW. YOU SAY GOODNIGHT PRAYER WITH US AT NOON. IS GOOD IDEA. AM NOT DEMON, TO MAKE SURE. HELLO, SMALL CHILDREN! MAY I LOOK AT YOUR SPINAL FLUIDS, JUST FOR A MOMENT?

Hail The Dark One/5
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The Critical Frog: The Good Dinosaur

The funny thing about being picky is that the simplest things can distract from the more important ones. For some reason, any little misstep can force me into relentlessly seeking out weak points in a film or show. And when it's something I've tangled with before, it begins to get a little grating. Thus, we have yet another entry into the "Dinosaurs Who Shouldn't Be Able To Talk But Do" category of distractions.

When I reviewed Walking with Dinosaurs a while back, I praised the CGI dinosaurs and landscapes, and it's easy to see why: as much as I dislike talking dinosaurs and modern humor in an environment that has no need for them, the aforementioned flop at least had wonderfully realistic imagery. The difference is, however, that the dinosaurs used here stick out like a sore thumb against the photo-realistic backdrops. Combine that with a plot reminiscent of Ice Age and you have The Good Dinosaur.

The Good Dinosaur is a film about how a cowardly dinosaur and a feral human child bond, while practically everything in the prehistoric world attempts to kill them. Aside from the normal wild dinosaurs (which for some reason are all either crazy or have southern accents), the roster of enemies includes poorly-placed rocks, branches, lightning and the occasional flat surface to trip over.

I'm not kidding: more than half of the problems in the film stem from our main dinosaur Arlo's apparent lack of depth perception and self-preservation combined with his enormous cowardice. Every moment, Arlo is tripping into something, falling off a ledge, or getting scraped up after taking a panic-induced fall. This guy could give Fluttershy a run for most timid character.

Is it me, or do all of these modern dinosaur films have this same issue? Timid main characters, repetitive story, and sometimes weak humor interfering with the otherwise nice animation. The difference between The Good Dinosaur and the previous entrant in this category (Walking With Dinosaurs) is that the former has a better story arc and humor, while the latter offers better dinosaur animation.

My huge issue with this film, however, comes not from the animations, but from what it's used to show sometimes. For a kid's film, there is a LOT of shots of Arlo getting injured. Scrapes, bruises and cuts are clearly visible all the time. I nearly left the theater when Spot the feral child rips off a large insect's head on screen, revealing the flesh underneath. Who wants to pay to see things be decapitated?

OVERALL RATING: 5/10
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A few further notes:

-Sometime later in the film, our hero and his pet come across a T-Rex family, who share stories of how they received scars. The elder Rex explains that he got into a fight with a crocodile, where he drowned the reptile in his own blood. Can we just skip the 'Homeward Bound' story and see that incident instead? It sounds much more interesting.

-Are ALL cattle rustlers in films hillbillies? Don't hillbillies have anything better to do in film?

-Are the Pteranodons in the film, who flock together, give themselves strange names, and follow the belief that 'The Storm Provides' cultists, or a commune? I'm getting serious Our Town flashbacks here, and it doesn't help that the song is still stuck in my head.

-The 'First Snow of the Winter', that apparently is so dangerous, really has no effect on much. I wouldn't go as far as to call it the deadly 'First Snow' as much as the 'Mildly Annoying Half-Inch of Powder'. Here in Colorado, to call that dangerous would be laughable.