The Critical Frog: Reflecting on 2014

A list of the things I have learned this year:

Health:

-Don't take a vitamin without washing it down with water. Otherwise it gets stuck in your chest and becomes a pain in the rear for the rest of the day.

-I'm fairly convinced that glass tables are a clear sign that some people just want to watch the world burn. Those invisible leg-wounders are everywhere. Steer clear.

-If your P.E teacher tries to get you to overextend yourself, just go along with it. Disagreeing with his regimen generally makes him dislike you more.

-Don't just tell the nurse you have a headache. That's basically just the code word for "Just don't want to do the math problem that hurts my brain."

Gaming Stuff:

-Wearing cloth armor during a LARP session, while allowing you to take more hits, actually makes it harder to move around quickly. Hone your skills so that you have no need for it in the first place- take them out before they can get close enough to take advantage of your lack of armor.

-Always focus the AD Carry in a game of League Of Legends, unless the enemy team has a Sona. If they do, kill her as fast as you can.

-If you aren't as skilled as the person insulting you, you're a noob. If you're more skilled, then you have no life. Just insult logic.

-Upon winning as Mr. Satan (Hercule) in any Dragonball Z game, do not yell "Hail Satan!" as a victory quote. People tend to take that the wrong way.

-You can not, and will not, defeat Binky from AQworlds by yourself. Trust me on this one. Put your pride away and work with a team.


School:

-Math sucks. No joke here, it just feels really good to say that.

-Only fall asleep in class if you know the subject, are clearly going to pass or if you recently pulled an all-nighter studying for that same class. Then the teacher owes you one.

-Giving the teacher presents is not bribery. Do not call the teacher's pet a brown-noser.

-Only take the handicap elevator is A) You are handicaped, B) You are carrying something large that you can't climb stairs with, C) You are helping someone handicapped, or D) Nobody is looking.

-In the case that you are alone in the elevator after boarding by method D, it is okay to break out into a fit of "Elevator Dancing". Discoing is hardly the worst thing you can do in an elevator.


Frog Milestones Of 2014:

-January- Had the finest meal of my life aboard a cruise ship: Fillet Mignon seasoned to perfection with volcanic ash salt. You know how in Ratatouille when the meal causes the food critic to have a flashback and he goes into an ecstasy-inspired shock? It tasted kind of like that.

-February- Seeing couples on Valentine's Day makes me sad to be alone, but also happy that I can keep living the single life. Bachelorhood feels awesome.

-March- Went a entire St. Patricks Day without being pinched. Not much, but still a milestone for me. There's always that one guy who just wants to be rude.

-April- Payed tribute to the great Ebert. Hope you're doing good up there, Roger. Did Gene Siskel save you an aisle seat?

-May- End of school year. Resisted urge to flip off gym teacher instead of wishing him heartfelt farewell.

-June- CIT job at LARP camp. Trained and led kids in activities- many foam weapons to the crotch ensue.

-July/August- Mountain Adventure- Almost died stranded on a mountain with no food and little water. Managed to go get help but then ended up puking up blood and getting an IV. Fun times all around. Gained new outlook and another chance on life and vowed to make it count. Surprisingly, not my first brush with death- he and I play cards every Friday. For the record: Death cheats.
Also voted head of diplomacy and thievery groups in overnight LARP experience after talking down enormous group of bandits and rolling the poker table. No word yet if diplomacy and being a bandit are in any way connected. Also developed love of spears after a very manly weapon yank.
Gencon 2014- Gencon. Enough said.

-September- Back to school. Nothing else really happens in September, does it?

-October- First year of no Trick-or-Treating. Made up for no free candy by raiding the candy for the kids at the Halloween party I was at. I feel personally responsible for 50% of the bowl missing at the end of the night.....

-November- Had a birthday, got presents, went to Dad's family for Hannukah, got more presents, took my dog for a walk and he left me presents.

-December- (Insert Christmas freakout here)

Frog Memo: Finals Time!

Just a quick memo, guys: I'm going to be out of commission for a week or two. This is finals week for me, and I need to go study because, let's face it, I suck at math. But as soon as I'm back, I'll get more reviews cracking, I promise.

The Critical Frog: The Penguins Of Madagascar

¨Can I ask you a question, Mr. Peafroggy?¨

¨Go right ahead, Vermin. You know Im listening.¨

¨Do penguins even live in Madagascar?¨

¨Yes, actually- there are Madagascarian penguins. But they dont look like our main characters.¨

¨And does anyone in the film actually GO to Madagascar?¨

¨No. What is your point?¨

¨Why is the film called ¨The Penguins Of Madagascar if it has absolutely nothing to do with Madagascar?¨

¨Vermin, are you aware of the term 'spinoff'?¨

¨Of course. Im assuming that this is a spinoff of the Madagascar series?¨

¨Good deduction, Vermin, and you are correct.¨

¨But with the knowledge that this is a comedy spinoff, there's a lot of odd stuff.¨

¨Every film has plot holes, Vermin.¨
"But the stuff in this film is just so left field. Like, why would the penguins break into Fort Knox and completely ignore the gold in favor of a Cheez Doodle vending machine?"
"Vermin, you know very well that penguins have no need for gold."
"But why Cheez Doodles, Mr. Peafroggy?"
"Have you ever had Cheez Doodles. Vermin? They're quite good. I can get you a bag if you'd like,"
"....Nevermind. But what about the rest of the film?"
"It's alright overall. Some surprising moments, a few humorous scenes, but nothing particularly amazing."
"Not that, Mr. Peafroggy. What exactly is the plot of the thing?"
"It's quite simple, Vermin. The Penguins from the hit film series and later TV show are faced with a villain- Dave the octopus. Unhappily teaming up with a spy group known as the North Wind, they work to stop him while learning about the values of teamwork and family. Oh, and there's something about accordions and rear-slapping."
"OK, I'm starting to get it.... but who are these North Wind fellows?"
"A husky, a seal, a polar bear and a snowy owl. They're a high-tech group of spies who want to stop Dave, but somehow fail incredibly despite their enormous laser guns, jets and mech suits."
"How exactly does a mech suit get defeated by an octopus?"
"I understand that octopi can do some amazing things. If they can predict the FIFA world cup, they could have no problem eliminating a polar bear in a robotic battle armor."
"...............I don't get this at all. Your logic is weird, Mr. Peafroggy."
"You're the one asking a talking frog film critic about a movie based on penguins that are spies."
"Point taken."

OVERALL RATING: 6/10
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"Actually, Mr. Peafroggy, I do want to try those Cheez Doodles. Can you please get me a bag?"
"You've been very good, Vermin. I don't see why not."
"Yaaaay- wait, are you going to break into Fort Knox like the penguins did for the vending machine?"
".....Yes, Vermin, clearly I can break into a vault of gold for Cheez Doodles." **Walks away**
"Is he being serious? I..... I can never tell.........."

The Critical Frog: Interstellar

Back when I lived about 45 minutes from Disney's Epcot, they had a ride where you could experience what it was like to be an astronaut going into space. It was fittingly called "Mission: Space", and was divided into two levels of difficulty. There was orange, which became increasingly annoying by spinning around and around as you tried to do your various space activities, It was actually pretty cool, if you could get past the overwhelming urge to puke your guts out (happy Thanksgiving, by the way- did you enjoy your turkey?). Then there was green, which completely ditched the spinning aspect and basically left you sitting in a box for ten minutes. It was ideal if you were a wimp.

All I could think of during Interstellar was how much it reminded me of orange levels' spinning.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for space movies, and Interstellar isn't an exception. I like the film- the story is nice, the plot is straightforward (with a few exceptions) and the CGI is phenomenal. I just think that Ridley Scott went a little overboard so to speak on all the tilted camera angles and spinning. Come to think of it, when do we ever get to see a film review completely ignoring the movie's plot points and focus simply on the camera?

Seriously, what's up with the movement of this film? It's all over the place. The camera styles range from quick and jumpy cuts to uncomfortably long shots without much rhyme or reason. In the works of Kubrick and Miyazaki, long shots are used to create a sense of discomfort or meaningfulness. Here, a few of them seem to go on forever to no avail.

When the shots work, they bring great imagery and a sense of hopelessness to the atmosphere of space (in particular the water planet's massive tidal waves). But when they don't, all they seem to bring is a headache. Literally.

I came out of Interstellar with three things: A migrane from the bad shots, a feeling of importance in the grand scheme of life (the film's point) and the remains of a Cherry Coke Iccee (you mix Coke iccee and cherry iccee. It's really good). Is it a good film? Yeah. Is the camera good? No.

OVERALL RATING: 7/10
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Remember how I said that Mission Space had two modes? So does Interstellar. It has the powerful Orange mode, with strong emotional scenes and great landscapes despite the camera's issues, and then it has the insanely boring Green. It's a it of a toss-up, but overall not bad.

The Critical Frog: Frog and the Old Man

The other day at the airport I met the most insteresting man. He was tall, hunched over, around 75-80 if I could guess. He had a breathing tube in his nose, scruffy white hair and a well-groomed beard. But what really struck me about him was his eyes.
He had a thousand-yard stare, the smell of cigars on his breath. I saw him being wheeled over by the airport staff, fighting as he hacked and wheezed. Figuring this was just another patron angry at the often irritating airport security, I planned to ignore him and continue the round of Starcraft I was engaged in (In my defense, Hard difficulty takes a lot of focus). I had seen this kind of thing many times before, I thought, and I would see it again.
But then he started to whisper.
I'm not sure if he knows I could hear him singing, but there he was, muttering things about blood, guns and whiskey to an uncaring audience. I figured he was only bored, and continued with my game. But then he stared at me.
His eyes, those soul-piercing eyes, combined with his muttering- they told me everything I needed to know. The man possibly had dementia, or PTSD. The poor guy.
He looked at me and started up a conversation. Not wanting to be rude, I spoke with him as he took breaths from his nebulizer. As he rambled on about guns, blood and indians, I noticed the intensity he was trying to put into his quiet speech. Placing down my laptop I began to listen with great passion, holding on to every word.
He spoke of drink and war, of life and death, and what I could understand through his garbled speech I heard with great interest. He told me about his problems, and how he began to feel useless as a product of a different time. He thought aloud about death and pennance, of the point of fighting, and eventually of his own sin and loneliness. He looked up to the celing and talked about Sioux and Rose Bushes, then talked about the meaning of freedom while taking puffs from his nebulizer. His mind was so clearly gone- but something else had arrived in it's place, for both of us. An invisible link.
We were kindred spirits, the two of us. A mental patient and a teenager. Both of us, through trauma or art, notice the downsides of modern humanity and weep at the misfortune they bring to the world while it looks on uncaringly. He has seen them and I fear seeing them. Eventually, we begin to accept the sins of humanity. The only difference between this man and I is our age and experience. The man knows his time is coming, and accepts it, while I fear for what will happen tomorrow whenever I go to bed- both of us concerned with what will happen once we shut our eyes. In fact, he reminds me of someone. Myself, in fact.
I don't know where the man is now. Maybe he finally gave in and passed in his sleep. Maybe he's in a hospital where society feels that he belongs. Or maybe he's still in that seat at the Denver Airport, puffing from his tube with that thousand-year stare in his eyes. But let it be known, wherever he is, a part of me is with him- and a part of him is me as well.

The Critical Frog: Fury

I wrote the word ¨Fury¨ at the top of my notepad and sat back to watch. The first thing I wrote was, ¨approx. 3 minutes until first brutal death¨. This movie doesn't waste any time in showing you what it's all about.

I recently got a chance to go to Cinebarre, a lovely little place where you can order food and drinks directly to your seat during the film. It was a great place, and the staff and food were great (especially the Children Of The Popcorn). But perhaps Fury was not something I really wanted to see during a meal. 

Don't get me wrong, the film isn't so bad that I wanted to vomit. Quite the opposite. I just don't think it was a smart move on my part to order a double cheeseburger during a movie filled with brutal violence that leaves it's victims looking like chunks of meat. It was a bit sickening to eat meat with dead bodies on screen, but hey- I'd hate to let all that meat go to waste. In my defense, it WAS a really good cheeseburger.

But on with the plot: Brad Pitt stars as War Daddy, the smoking and cursing pilot of Fury, a tank in the 3rd artillery division of the Allies during World War 2. He and his companions have worked together for a long time, killing Nazi after Nazi, but are stricken by the loss of a teammate and forced to take on a new recruit. This recruit is Norman, a church man who does not get along with the violent tendencies of the old crew. Together, the crew and Norman travel in their tank and encounter various war problems, including Nazis, mines, and a 5-minute scene of the characters doing nothing but eating eggs.

Honestly, most of the movie is like this: Heroes joke, shooting, heroes move on. Rinse and repeat. And don't get me started on the death count. 

Yes, Fury is so heavy on the brutality and gore that I had to add a Brutal Death Counter to my notes. At the end of the film, I counted nine insanely disgusting and gory deaths. And because I assume you are not eating while reading my reviews, I shall now list a few of them.

-1 Man lit on fire before shooting himself in the head,

-2 Men riddled with bullet holes in close-ups,

-1 Head crushed under a tank,

-1 Man blown apart by an anti-tank shell

-1 Man who throws himself on a grenade, and

-1 Man taking multiple stab wounds, including one to the johnson

Now, as you can clearly tell, this is a very violent film that shows a lot of the harsh parts of war: we get shock, PTSD, madness, infighting, and lots and lots of bullet action. I get that the point of the film is to show the real dark side of war with the deaths and drawn out scenes, but honestly, I wish they had done it a little better. Platoon did it amazingly, and so did Inglorious Bastards. Now we get Fury, which tosses much of the emotion of battle out for extended war scenes. 

The action is good, I suppose. You can see the bullets fly (although why they are green and red remains a mystery) and the burning tanks, and all the casualties are bloodily illustrated if you really want to see them. In the meantime, I'd rather just focus right now on the cheeseburger. At least I don't have to draw eating the burger out as long as some of these scenes.

OVERALL RATING: 6/10

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Is it wrong to give a movie about the harsh brutality of war the same rating as a movie about ponies singing magical songs? I dunno, but I'm doing it. I gave Rainbow Rocks a 6/10 too.

Yes, the action is incredible, especially at the end, and it is interesting to see Norman's descent into the harsh land of war. But the characters are so... bland. We never get any explanation for the characters, or their backstory. There is a scene where Pitt's character removes his shirt, and we see large burns along his back. How did he get these and his lax attitude towards war? We'll never know. The only features of our main characters we can identify is that they are not Nazis, and that's reason enough to root for them. But some of Pitt's crew is so annoying I didn't care if he was a good guy or not. There are some powerful scenes (Norman being forced to shoot a disarmed German with a family) and some impressive war scenes, but the scenes that aren't clearly lack and pale in comparison. If it's a war film you want, then this isn't horrible, but if you have a choice, go for Platoon, a personal wartime favorite and an excellent war film. If Fury is all you can get, then go for it- but know there are better war films. And word of advice: don't eat meat while you watch a war film. Trust me on this one.

The Critical Frog: The Worst Sequel Of All Time

It's the first anniversary of my blog. Whoop-de-fecking doo.

I imagine you all want something special for helping me carry the blog this far. Maybe a party? Would you like a party? One with cake and candy and punch and that sort of thing? Well, tough. Nobody gets a party here until I put my most hated film of all time to rest. That's right, because this film is riding my behind, I'm going to ride yours and put the celebration on hold until this is all sorted out. If the dungeon master ain't happy, then ain't nobody happy, son. But on with the review.

I remember when I was little, back in the early 2000s, when a nintendo DS was considered the greatest advance in technology and Blockbuster was still a thing. My dad would always take me to the rental place to pick out a DVD for me to watch while he slept. And practically every time, I went for the same DVD: George Of The Jungle, or as I like to call it, My Childhood.

George Of The Jungle was a simple guy, a parody of Tarzan who commonly crashed into trees while swinging on vines. And for some reason, he was amazing.

I freaking loved this film when I was little, and looking back on it now, I can see why: of all the films based on older cartoons that inevitably ended up flopping, George Of The Jungle seemed like the film with the least chance of success. But, interestingly, it turned out pretty well: Brendan Frasier as George delivered a goofy but enjoyable performance, and the rest of the cast followed suit, creating a unique sense of humor mixed with delightful comedy (and the best narrator in the history of film) and overall a surprisingly good film (Roger Ebert went as far as to give it 3 out of 4 stars). The fourth-wall references and reoccurring jokes actually work in a parody like this, and combine with the humorous cast and visuals to create a sense of comedic mastery. While I wouldn't go as far as to call it a masterpiece, Id be more than happy to say that it's a fairly good film and a decent way to kill some time if you want a few laughs. There are some genuinely good lines in the movie as well, whether they be touching or funny.

And then, numerous years later, a new film came along to place a stain on the legacy of my favorite childhood film. This, my friends, is the absolute worst sequel of all time, and it is known as George Of The Jungle 2.

It's rather curious how a sequel can ruin the legacy of the original with nothing more but a change of actors and the addition of poop jokes. Although most of the first film took place in the jungle, there weren't many dirty jokes: sure, there was one here or there (¨Bad guy falls in poop- classic bit of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we all throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?¨ ¨Ready! AHAHAHAHA!), but for the most part it was pretty tame (except for the castration joke). But here, dirty jokes are thrown around like Zug-Zug in the finale. This film was so bad and such a dumb idea that they couldn't even get most of the original actors back- there's a new George, a new Ursula, and even a new Shep (George's pet elephant, who for some reason they didn't apply the same CGI to- heck, he looks worse in the sequel). What was the point of this film if not even the original actors wanted anything to do with it? I have no idea, but this has bothered me my entire life- and to fully become a critic, I must face my fear and watch this once more. Grab your shovel and rain coat- we're heading into the biggest pile of Zug-Zug I've ever seen.

The sequel opens with a short animated bit with a refrain of that famous catchy theme song as George abd his new son get into mischief. We then see, in real life, that George has been replaced by a new actor. Let me give you my reaction to the first time I saw this scene:

¨Ahh! That's not George! Ursula! That's not your jungle husband!" (sees Ursula) And that's not Ursula either! Shep, who are these people? (sees terrible CGI Shep) Ahhhhhh! That's not Shep either! It's all a lie!¨
(sits in the corner crying and cradles a stuffed animal)

So yeah, it's a bit of a surprise to see entirely different actors playing these characters. At least New George looks somewhat like the original- I guess that's something. New Ursula, on the other hand, only has the hair down. Everything else is wrong.

The doppelgangers spend some time messing around in the jungle before Ursula's mother arrives and attempts to convince Ursula to move back to the city with her son. She refuses and the mother goes off in a huff.

After more pointless jungle gags, we see the main plot surface: George's jungle brother Ape goes bankrupt in Las Vegas (no mention of how he got to Vegas and gambled in the first place, but I have a feeling anybody can gamble in Vegas), and George needs to get him back for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, Ursula's mother and Ursula's ex-fiance Lyle conspire to hypnotize her to love Lyle again. And this brings me to my second major issue of the film:

It never really explains what happened between the first film and the second. At the end of the original George,  Lyle is revealed to have joined a romance cult and is authorized to perform marriages. He kidnaps Ursula and drags her into a cave to marry. But due to a trick by George and Ape, he ends up marrying himself to a gorilla instead. If Lyle is married now, to a gorilla or otherwise, why can't he just grab her and force a marriage? Can you even do that if you're already married? Maybe he divorced the gorilla, I dunno.

Also bothersome is the topic of Ursula's mother. At the end of film 1, she was fine with her daughter marrying a jungle man, though being extremely disappointed. And now that they have a son, what reason does she have to remove the kid or her stepson from their home? What makes her think she's the authority on proper environment for animals and people? I think Ape put it best in film 1:
"Ma'am, I knew Jane Goodall. And you are no Jane Goodall."

So back to the plot (if you can call it that): George rescues Ape from the Las Vegas strip along with a random kangaroo (because kangaroos have a place in a film about the jungle) while the villains recruit Ursula's old friends to convince her to leave her husband and marry Lyle. (When these three girls enter, they are greeted and called angels by a man named Charlie- because every little kid's gonna get that joke) When their persuasion doesn't work, the group decides to hire a hypnotist after watching him force a lactose-intolerant woman to eat bowls of ice cream (whoopsies). He succeeds in hypnotizing Ursula for the time being, then telling Lyle that the first person she kisses will be the love of her life permanently.

On top of this, two of Ursula's mom's henchmen seek to bulldoze the jungle (although George is in the city and so is Ursula- why destroy the jungle if what you want to destroy is right here?). After getting up to a skyline and swinging into a tower, Ape says something odd: "You didn't think that we would miss this parody, did you?"So this city version of the joke that pioneered this film is considered a parody now? There's a fine line between using a joke and parodying it, and just taking the joke out of context doesn't turn it into a parody.

So before the climax of the film, I think I should mention the side plot about the evil lion who wants to challenge George's rule of the jungle. Did I mention that?

Yeah, this entire time the jungle has been in danger. You see, the lion from the first film has decided he wants to control the Jungle for no apparent reason, and George has to stop him along with all the trouble he's going through now.

Now in the first film, the lion isn't really seen as a villain: he appears near Lyle and Ursula scaring them before Lyle runs off and George saves her. George lets the lion go and as a thanks, the lion turns up later to help with another issue in the film. That issue is a cute scene where a little monkey is being excluded by the group and George helps him. The little monkey shrieks at the lion, who pretends to be scared and slinks away with a wink to George, sort of like a "my debt is repaid" wink and earning Little Monkey the respect of the pack. Now what reason does the lion have to want the jungle? We saw in the first film that given the chance, George can kick the lion's ass in physical combat. Assuming George and the lion have no qualms now and are both friends of Little Monkey, what reason is there for this plot point? I have no idea.

So finally, after getting a tip from Brendan Frasier about what's going on (no joke, that's actually what the narrator says), the gang heads back to the jungle, where Lyle and Ursula and her mom are waiting. We see that bulldozers have arrived to plow down the jungle and that the animals are trying their best to stop them. George rushes to help, but the lion blocks his way. They get into a fight and George ends up killing the lion, thus ending his entirely pointless reign as king.

As the animals ram and push and throw Zug-Zug (poop) at the dozers, George works to take them down, but to no avail. All seems lost until allies appear- Little Monkey, now the leader of his group, and George Junior, his son. They all work together and destroy the machines, Ursula's Mom is defeated and George kisses her daughter, breaking the spell and ensuring their love. Lyle attempts to stop them, but is grabbed and carried off by a giant cartoon hand in the sky. No joke.

Apparently, the narrator has had enough of this mother-bleeping Lyle in this mother-bleeping movie and removes him from it. This annoys me because the Narrator never really got involved in the plot in the first film- mainly heckling from the sidelines and quipping about the situation- but never really taking physical action- thus destroying the only other two characters I enjoyed in this film. George and Ursula remarry and live happily ever after. At least SOMEBODY'S happy about this.

OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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Have you ever heard the song "The Straight Razor Cabaret" by Aurielo Voltaire? (If not, go look it up. It's pretty cool) It's about a man people call Straight Razor who runs a cabaret show. If you don't laugh and smile at his show, then he takes out a knife and slashes your facial muscles in a way that locks your mouth into a smile. As the song goes, "There's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud.".
If it was between watching this film one more time or visiting the Straight Razor Cabaret with a permanent frown on my face, I'd say bring on the cabaret. Even Straight Razor's knife would pale in comparison to the pain I felt watching this.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I really freaking hate this film. Not because it's a pointless sequel to a film that didn't need one in the first place. Not because the jokes are corny and pointless. Not because it mentions Brendan Frasier for no reason so much it sounds like the film has a stick up it's rear end about him. Not even because of the terrible casting, or the CGI, or plot. In fact, some of the stuff I've seen is MUCH worse than this (I'm looking at you, Garbage Pail Kids). Those are all factors, but what really ticks me off is just what the original meant to me. That film was my childhood, one of the few things I can look back on and still enjoy, and probably my favorite kid's film of all time. And this film came along and took a crap on everything I used to love. You ruined the plot, you ruined the story, and you ruined my life. Good job, film. Good job. Your cauldron of boiling oil in hell is waiting for you.

But.....you know what? It;s kind of odd, but I actually owe something to this film. This abomination is what gave me my hatred for bad film. It's the first thing I ever really felt hate for, and to this day, I still haven't felt as angry at anything else as I did back then. This is the film that made me want to become a critic. In a way, it's not only the worst thing I've ever seen, but also the thing that made me want to expose it.

And now I finally put this film and saga to rest. Farewell, George Of The Jungle 2: my greatest enemy, but also my driving spark. I'm the Critical Frog, and I'm finally free.

The Critical Frog- Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks

Well.... after my review of Equestria Girls back in the summer, I kind of promised I'd do the sequel when it came out. But sadly, once again, no theaters were playing it here in my lonely little city, so I had to look on the internet. But, through time and patience (AKA A Google Search), I managed to find it. So.... think the pony summer is over? Yeah, it is. But as any brony (including myself) can tell you.... any time is pony time! So grab your brony t-shirt and hug your stuffed animal (don't lie, every brony has or wants a stuffed pony) and get ready to rock!
We start with a scene unfolding in the human world, at a coffee shop where many people are arguing for some unknown reason.  We are introduced to the villians Sonata and Aria and their leader Adagio, who apparently were once denziens of Equestria and need to find a good source of anger to power them. Suddenly, a rainbow blast appears and, seeing the signs of pony magic, they decide to use it to make the world adore them. And.... Epic theme song time!
During the theme song, we get a recap of the original film along with images of the human ponies playing instruments in sillouette, before introducing the final main character as... Sunset Shimmer?
In case you never saw the first film, Sunset Shimmer was the prime antagonist. She stole Twilight Sparkle's crown, acted like a big jerk at school and turned into a giant demon sorceress before being blasted by a blast of friendship. How exactly are they going to turn her around into a good guy? But on with the review.
We see people decorating banners for a music event (I assume, because all the banners have instruments) as SS tries to help. She is called over by the other members of the Mane 6 in human form (did I mention I find human Pinkie sort of attractive?) as they discuss the banner and engage in hijinks (Pinkie used frosting instead of paste) before Principal Celestia comes in and explains our setup for the evening: the school is having a Musical Showcase and everybody is stoked to help raise money, but when the Fall Formal of last year is brought up everyone shares a disgruntled look at Shimmer. Apparently turning into a giant demon and hypnotizing the entire dance is looked down upon (kudos to the film, though, for explaining it again).
Later, the girls are setting up their instruments and discussing the events of last year. Due to Twilight's intervention at the dance, the Mane 5 (sans Twilight) forgive her for her, as Rarity puts it, "Boo-boos" last year and welcome her as a friend. They then rehearse and we get a shot of all the girls on their instruments: Dashie on lead guitar, Applejack on bass, Rarity on keytar, Pinkie on drums and Fluttershy on rhythmic tambourine (taking percussion classes in the 7th grade, I can vouch that this is an actual musical point). The song plays out well while we see cameos and such, and somehow the ponies grow their horns, wings, ears and tails during the song. They try to unravel what happens and begin to argue over thigns before Flash Sentry enters and interrupts the argument. After he leaves, we get more discussions about Shimmer's reformation, followed by another short argument (Cough Cough Rainbow Dash) as Sunset Shimmer shows three new girls around the school: Sonata, Aria and Adagio, who then discover the showcase. Talk about a coincidence.
A few scenes later, these three enter the lunchroom singing about the Battle Of The Bands, which somehow hypnotizes all of the students into being extremely competitive and determined to win. Of course, the song is good, staying in critic mode....
Oh, who am I kidding..... THIS SONG IS AWESOME!
Say what you will about the easily identifiable villians, but they can really sing. This is a really intense, but somehow still calm song about competition that somehow manages to stick in your head after it's done. I love it. Somehow, the new Mane 6 is immune to the spell as they all suspect foul play. Of course, the principals disagree with them (possibly because they've so clearly been hypnotized) and the Mane 6 are on their own.
The group tries to contact Twilight Sparkle with a mystical book Sunset Shimmer has. With it, she is may be able to send messages to Princess Celestia. Cut to the newly-reformed Ponyville, where Princess Twilight and her pony friends are relaxing when an important message comes in- the one SS sent, of course. Twilight easily identifies these mysteriouis girls as The Sirens, who gain power through absorbing negative energy. They were then banished to the human world many years ago, where they just now surfaced for reasons unknown, probably due to the magical forces of plot convience.
Twilight invents a machine that will allow her to transport between worlds at will,  and has to abandon her pony friends once again to avoid confusion. She takes Spike with her and again enters the world of fan service. We learn that Flash Sentry (who's band now includes two of the Big Lebowski ponies as humans) still has a crush on Twi, and that the girls can change forms when they play music because some of Twilight's magic remains in them.
The Mane 6 (7?) arrive at a party for the bands, hoping the Sirens will be there. Sure enough, they arrive and attempt to use the power of their friendship to stop the sirens, but to no avail. The sirens then spark the anger of the student body (and Trixie, because her overrexagaration is always funny) and while distracted, plot to find out what makes the girls immune while Twilight and SS plan to stop the Sirens by using a counter-song. Twilight is drafted into the band (while somehow Pinkie gets ahold of a theromin) as the lead singer, much to the dislike of Rainbow Dash. The girls have a slumber party in order to give Twilight a place to sleep for the night, but probably more to make an excuse to see the girls do random things: Pinkie updates her Facebook status, AJ and RD get carried away playing video games and Fluttershy strokes Pinkie's pet alligator (apparently Gummy is now canon in the human world). But try as she might, Twilight simply cannot write her counter spell (although part of it may be because she's holding the pen in her mouth). Sunset Shimer and Twilight have a short discussion about living up to expectations before it is interrupted by a cameo (Maude Pie, Pinkie's incredibly boring sister).
The next morning, the song turns out to fail (with another cameo) and the band begins to argue before being interrupted by a rush to sign up. This leads the gang to come up with a plan: because Twilight hasn't finished the song yet, Rainbow Dash will once again take control of the band to keep them in the battle until Twilight can finish. But Twilight is worried: will she live up to her friends' expectations?
So the Battle Of The Bands begins, the principals remain hpynotized and the Sirens absorb all the competitive energy in the room. We then get a montage of failed musical acts (Snips and Snails do a rap act) and then the girls prepare to go on with a small joke about Rarity's new outfit (must...hide...teenage boner). As the girls sing their first song (Shake Your Tail from the preview) many of the other acts attempt to sabotage them. Although, mad credit to the gals for keeping up an awesome song with both sabotage and Rarity crying.
The Sirens then perform at the battle and, let's face it, their music is still awesome. The odd thing is, they say they're still saving their best songs for last. I'm expecting something amazing. We get a montage during this about how the girls are arguing before their next match is  revealed to be against Trixie. She gets a decent few lines of songs and gets some shots off at Rainbow Dash before it's the girls' turn to go on. Of course, their song is great, but Rainbow Dash hogs the spotlight and begins a small fight within the group after SS tackles Dashie to prevent the Sirens from seeing the rainbow magic. Of course, everyone sees it the wrong way and  the group has a slight argument before the Sirens manipulate the principals into eliminating Trixie's team from the tournament. But as Trixie storms off, the Sirens get to her and she begins to go evil again. She tricks the Mane 6 and sends them down a trapdoor in the stage, then closing it off.
The group remains there until night, as the Mane 7 argue while Trixie plays a song in the background (I love it, of course). The 5 supporting ponies fall vicitim to the evil bug as their energy is slowly drained. As the energy flows into the Sirens and SS attempts to work out the band's issues, they begin their song to hypnotize everyone and release their true forms (basically girls withdragon wings).....
You all know what I'm going to say about it, don't you? Of course you do. I freaking love it. Moing on.
Twilight and Sunset Shimmer help the gang be friends again and Spike manages to break out the girls with help from an unlikely friend: the human Vinyl Scratch (DJ P0n-3), who is immune to the Sirens' song because she never takes off her dubstep-blasting headphones.
The group realizes that any song they sing with the power of their friendship works as a counterspell, and with the help of Vinyl's car that transforms into a DJ booth (don't ask) they work to outplay the Sirens' song with a song that releases their true friendship and enter an apocalyptic battle of music and epicness as the Sirens release giant dragons that are supposed to be their music's power, but they are quickly met by the Mane 6 with help from Sunset Shimmer (who, I have to admit, is a pretty good singer). They sing a song that allows Sunset Shimmer to reenter her pony/human form, which allows them to all work together and blow the sirens to oblivion with a giant magic unicorn blast. The Sirens lose their musical prowess and quickly lose the battle of the bands. Flash Sentry gets another romance scene in, Trixie makes another braggy joke and Sunset Shimmer is signed on as the band's new vocalist before Twilight has to go back. End of film.
Those of you who actually follow my blog may recall I gave the first Equestria Girls a semi-decent review. I said it had it's good points and it's bad points, but overall it was a decent film. So, how does number 2 stack up?
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
---------------------------------
Okay, it's a mixed bag like the first one. There are quite a few plot holes (how could Spike get Vinyl's attention if she always has her headphones on?) and a few missed opportunities (I'd love to have seen some of the season 4 characters as humans, like Cheese Sandwich if only to get Weird Al back into the MLP universe). But hey, whatever the bad points are, they're easily outshined by the fantastic song numbers: whatever Equestria Girls did in the musical department, Rainbow Rocks surpassed it tenfold. The songs are, obviously, the high point; every single one is amazing and catchy, and if the soundtrack ever comes out, I'd gladly purchase it without a second thought. I think if they make a third EG film, my advice would be to combine the basic high points of the original with the music of the second. Maybe then I'd be able to give a MLP movie more than 6 out of 10 without a sense of pandering.

The Critical Frog- Ratatoing

Guys, I really don't want to do this. Seriously.
...Come on, please. I just want to get through my anniversary month. Cut me some slack.
...There's no getting out of this, is there?
I thought not.

So yeah, we're continuing my 1-year anniversary descent into cinema's depths with a look at- surprise- another film from Video Briquendo, or as I like to call them, my poorly animated private hell. This time the film getting torn apart by this horrendous company is the classic cooking film Ratatouille. And as much as I loved The Princess And The Frog, I have a soft spot for Ratatouille. The original film, about a rat in Paris with marvelous cooking skills who helps turn a bumbling chef into a culinary all-star, was a decent flick with amazing imagery of the city of love and a fantastic cast of characters. One scene in particular that stands out comes from a food critic at the end (hey criticism buddy!), who delivers a quote so brilliantly written I could watch it over and over without any regrets.

But the Video Briquendo version has none of the charm or joy of the original. Gone are the character traits and quotes we value, gone is the brilliant animation, and gone is my sanity from sitting through this dog's anus of a butchering. So hold on to your lunch- you'll probably lose your appetite from a showing of Ratatoing.

The film opens with a poorly-written narration about a restaurant in Rio De Janiero, known as Ratatoing, where renowned rat chef Marcell Toing creates the most delicious cuisine available for the most civilized rats in the world. His waitstaff includes Carol, a pink rat waitress with the voice of Amy Rose from Sonic X (who somehow manages to be even MORE annoying than Amy), Otavio, the waiter who has no personality traits but being the waiter, and Greg, the green rat who's job at the restaurant seems to be to stand in the kitchen and say ¨Precisely¨ a lot. These rats carefully attend to each of their customers, all of whom manage to be incredibly badly animated and have terrible voice acting to match. We get some discussion going on in the restaurant about how amazing the food is- and I assume I would have a little more tolerance for this group of discussions if it didn't take up A FOURTH OF THE FREAKING MOVIE.

Like most rip-offs, this film not only manages to shorten the film's running time by half, but manages the incredible task of spending 11 minutes of it's 45-minute running time doing absolutely nothing but having the customers drone on about how fantastic Marcell's food is, even repeating the same speech 3 times over that course.

After that little scene, we see that one of the tables is home to the villains of our story: four rats who run a competing restaurant in Rio who constantly eat at Ratatoing in hopes of discovering the secret to it's wonderful food (but why eat there then? You're literally giving your money to your competition!). They fail to gather information from Otavio and go off in a huff when the restaurant closes for the night. But Otavio, being the stock moron he is, leaves the door to the restaurant open...

Meanwhile we see our 3 main rats prepare to embark on their weekly mission to get new ingredients for their disgusting and misleadingly-named dishes (a pair of rats ordered chocolate sponge cake with ice cream and biscuit bran, but I saw no cake or bran when Carol was taking the order out) by dressing in secret agent gear (and by that I mean helmets and grappling hooks) in order to infiltrate a human kitchen. It is here that they steal ingredients to create their majestic dishes.

What happens after the evil rats discover this I dare not reveal, lest I spoil this masterpiece of cinema for you. Okay, I'd be able to review the rest if I didn't pass out halfway through from it's boring storyline. Bottom line, the rats get more food. Can I just get done with Video Briquendo already? Thanks.

OVERALL RATING: 0/10

The Critical Frog- The Frog Prince

Seeing as how this month is the frog blog's first anniversary, I thought the time had finally come to review a film involving one of my amphibious kin- a frog, toad or the like. I searched high and low, far and wide to find a terrible film that disgraces the frog race, and lo and behold, I discovered one. But before I get to the actual film, I have to discuss the company that created it- Video Briquendo.

Yes, who could forget the kings of terrible film known as Video Briquendo? Who could possibly forget their classic 'original' films that yanked everything fun out of classics and just turned them into cash grabs? Does anybody remember ¨The Little Panda Fighter¨? No? Perhaps ¨Ratatoing¨? Still nothing? Okay, you'll remember this one: the classic ¨What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue¨. Not even a thought? Well then, god bless you. For those of you blessed without knowledge of this company, Iĺl give you the basics:
This South American film company has earned a small amount of money by the business strategy of ripping off successful Disney films and hoping confused parents and grandparents pick up the rip-offs instead of the original. And considering each of these films is horrendous, everybody loses. Kids lose because they can't see the actual film, parents lose money on a rip-off, and I lose for having to review films from the company. And sadly, today's reviewed film isn't any different.

Yes, Video Briquendo's knockoff of The Princess And The Frog is my choice for the horrid frog-based film, and for good reason: the animation is crap, the story is dull, and the voices sound so bad even Bane would be calling them out ( You think bad films are your ally. But you merely adopted the bad film; I was born into it, molded by it....) . While the original Princess And The Frog is a sweet comedy with great scenes, catchy songs and a pretty cool villain in Dr. Facilier, this film has... absolutely nothing to mention. Although in this case, the charming Prince Naveen and his wish to life the high life again are replaced with the simple desire to.... get laid. Can I just get on with the review? Please?

I wish I could, but there really isn't much to talk about. The film begins with the king talking to his daughter (at least, I assume he's talking, because his mouth isn't moving) about marrying to become queen, and the princess being defiant and stomping around the castle.

The frog then comes up pretending to be a nature spirit, and gives the princess advice on how to refuse lovers. After refusing too many, the king and his unmoving mouth (or is it his beard?) issue an ultimatum to his daughter- she must marry the first person who talks to her outside of the castle.

The princess tries her best not to go outside, but is tricked by her father into going for a walk with a suitor from a neighboring kingdom. He talks to her, but for some reason she doesn't answer. When she reenters the castle it is revealed that she only couldn't marry because she wasn't listening in the first place, therefore somehow cancelling out the suitor's talking (logic!).

And, to be honest, practically all of the film is like this: The king tries to marry off his daughter and she refuses with advice from the frog, all while he constantly asks for a kiss. Of course, we ALL know what's going to happen at the end, so Iĺl cut to the chase: the king issues an ultimatum which causes the princess to marry the dictator of the kingdom (but this is a monarchy, not a dictatorship), an old fart who appears to hate women for no reason. Naturally, the princess doesn't want to marry him, clearly not seeing the high points of this (he's obviously rich, and he's going to croak soon- no pun intended- so she'd get all his stuff).

So the frog convinces the princess to come outside, and surprisingly, ends up tricking her into listening, thus forcing her to marry the frog. Of course, the frog turns into a prince, and they apparently live happily (but not honestly) ever after. Blah blah blah.

OVERALL RATING: 1/10
---------------------------
Bad bad bad. Enough said. Voice acting is garbage, animation is garbage and the story is a heap of garbage. Want a good film involving my amphibious brothers? Try spending a little extra and picking up The Princess And The Frog. That one's got a memorable villain, some great songs (am I the only person who really liked "Dig A Little Deeper"?) and a much better setup-and payoff-than this junk.

Frog Announcement: 1-Year Frogiversary

Hey everybody! Thank you all SO much- through your continued support (all 7 of you) and my constant drive, I've managed to keep the blog going for a year! And to celebrate, I'll be taking a look at the WORST film company of all time and some of it's... masterpieces. Hold on to your party hats- we're heading into Video Briquendo territory STARTING OCTOBER 8!

The Critical Frog: Half-Year Special REUPLOAD

(Guess what, everybody? I got the half-year special working finally! I know it's a bit late but better late than never. Or, when watching this film, better never than ever.)


It's the half-year anniversary of The Critical Frog, so I though I'd do something for everyone who's decided to follow me and make sure the blog keeps moving along.

I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a  drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.

So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.

I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.

The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.

The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.

One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.

Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.

Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.

The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected  blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).

Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.

After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.

Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).

So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.

Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.

Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason)  rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.

After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.

My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.

But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.

OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.

The Critical Frog: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie- Pyramid Of Light

Is there any way a film based on a game for children can't make money? If there is, I really haven't seen much of it.

Every time a children's game gets enough money, a film seems almost inevitable (the Pokemon series, for example has at least 18 films by now). But with something that already has a set-out plot, how can you tie a stand-alone film into the plot without disrupting some form of continuity? Beats me, and apparently it also stumps the creators of the Yu-Gi-Oh movie.

As a big fan of the card game (even hosting a club at my school), it only figures I'd be a fan of the original TV series. The show, about a teenage boy uncovering the secret of a magical artifact that gives him incredible card game skills in addition to an alternate form known as Yami, wasn't a terrific show, but it was fun to watch the cartoon characters duel and to see your favorite cards come to life in all of their glory. At least, it was awesome when you were younger.

Since then, the rules of the game have seriously changed. Monsters have gotten much easier to summon, cards have been banned, and deck types have allowed for new strategies than the spellcasters and dragons of old times. Practically anybody sporting a newer deck could run into the older series and dominate every duelist within a 50-mile radius. 

Sure, the rules were BS at times, but it was still fun to watch. It was an all-around decent show with cool villains, decent animation and a sweet card game to go along with it. So naturally, when the marketing department hit it's peak, a film based on the game and series was produced.

I was a big Yu-Gi-Oh fan back in the day (still am), and so I jumped at the chance to see this film. I packed my deck, my Duel Delight flavored Bellywasher (does anybody remember these?), my duel disk and my box of Yu-Gi-Oh cereal (that's right- look it up), bought my ticket and prepared for the duel of the century, on the big screen this time. And....to be honest, it was kind of underwhelming.

Yeah, the ultimate battle between the pharaoh of ancient Egypt and his billionaire archrival Kaiba wasn't exactly what I expected. In fact, it was kind of weird, even by Yu-Gi-Oh standards (this is the same show that had a gay clown ghost). But we can't really discuss the show right now, so it's time to duel.... against an underwhelming movie.

So the main aspect of the film we need to discuss is the duels themselves. The first real duel of the film- Kaiba versus the incredibly flamboyant creator of Yu-Gi-Oh Pegasus- really got my hopes up- Kaiba interrogates Pegasus and challenges him to a duel for the only card that can defeat the three Egyptian God Cards that Yugi holds in his deck.

Right off the bat, this is a good duel by the film's standards- we get to see some of Pegasus's signature Toon monsters lay an early smackdown on Kaiba, only to discover that Kaiba's plan all along was to purposely get his own monsters removed from play to summon XYZ-Dragon Cannon (which is actually a really good strategic move from back then), destroying Pegasus's Toons and blasting him to his defeat. Kaiba searches Pegasus's collection for the card, only to find two instead. Pegasus insists there's only one card, but Kaiba doesn't believe him.

Back in the mainland, we see our main character visiting a museum exhibit about ancient Egypt (which is actually Ishizu Ishtar's, the sister of the man who once held the Winged Dragon Of Ra god card) and discovering the Pyramid of Light, an ancient artifact brilliantly designed to look like the Millineum Puzzle upside down, that is said to hold the spirit of the Egyptian lord of the dead Anubis, who Yami defeated thousands of years ago in a children's card game). But before they can truly uncover the mystery, Kaiba's little brother Mokuba appears and tells Yugi to go to the Kaibacorp stadium for the ultimate duel.

When Yami enters the arena to duel against Kaiba, I noticed that Kaiba's entire deck was differently styled. His major cards, his signature Blue-Eyes White Dragons, were there, but nothing else was. Yugi's deck was the same as always, with the exception of the god cards.

After only 2 turns, Yugi manages to summon his first Egyptian God Card (interesting to mention, he got it from a possessed mime)- Slifer, The Sky Dragon, also known as the weakest god card ever. But Kaiba, in an unexpected move, not only accepts the challenge, but forces Yugi to play all 3 of his god cards at once with Obligatory Summon, which does not exist (I'm just sayin). Then, he reveals one of the new cards he got from Pegasus: None other than a card based on the artifact we saw in the beginning, the Pyramid Of Light, which forces Yugi to remove from the game all of his gods. 

Now one other thing I want to mention is the card packs that came with the ticket: that's right, you got a booster pack for watching. When I opened it, I saw the Pyramid Of Light, and I was disappointed to see that not only did it not remove god cards from the game, it ended up having something to do with "Sphinx" monsters. 

I hadn't been to far into the film when I opened the pack- I had no idea what these "Sphinx" monsters were, and was really hoping to get a great card of destruction. Other cards included two monsters used by Kaiba once, and something called Watapon, which holds the record for being the most useless monster in existence at the time.

Yami's little boy host Yugi and his friends get sucked into the Milinneum Puzzle by the mysterious force of the Pyramid Of Light. As they search the puzzle for the secret of how to stop the Pyramid Of Light, Yami is in deep trouble.

Without his god cards, Yami is slowly being crippled by his opponent- his deck is shot down by a virus and his only hope rests with his new card- The Sorcerer Of Dark Magic. It quickly decimates Kaiba's dragons and stops his virus, clearing Kaiba's field. All seems to be turning in Yami's favor until Kaiba unleashes his new monster- and the star of the film- Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon. 

This guy had the best animation I saw in the film- and also the best effects. His attack shoots up, he can choose what targets him and what doesn't, and even sacrifice himself to destroy anything on the field. Opening another pack (the theater lady knew me and gave me 5) I was surprised to see the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon in the pack, but my heart sank when I realized you had to summon Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon (a card that's already insanely hard to summon) to play it, and it lost it's final effect. But on with the film:

Just when Kaiba can easily decimate Yami with a single attack, he decides to drag the duel out for as long as possible by using Blue-Eyes Shining's effect to destroy the Pyramid of Light, then planning to use Return From The Different Dimension (a card included in the packs, which to my delight actually did what it did in the film) to bring yami's gods back on to Kaiba's side and kill him with his own cards. It is, in his opinion, a perfect victory.

Too bad the Pyramid doesn't want Kaiba to have his flashy ending.

As soon as he uses the Shining dragon's ultimate ability, A large and slimy naked man appears behind Kaiba (don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis....) and throws him to the side before he manifests as the human version of Anubis, Yami's old rival. And I have to admit,no matter how unoriginal he is, he looks pretty badass.

Seriously, how come you never see this guy at conventions? I could imagine a great cosplay for him. He looks SO COOL, and yet somehow he manages to be the least interesting character in the movie. He has no real personality other than "Hey, I'm an evil guy who wants to destroy the pharaoh. And I have a pyramid."

Now that wouldn't be SO bad- Many movie villains have no real personality- but compared to the other villains of Yu-Gi-Oh, he lacks the motivation or hatred of the others. Pegasus wanted to resurrect his dead wife, Marik was abused by his father and has a demented dark side, and even Noah (from the awful season 3 of the anime) just wanted to live the life he never had. Anubis? Nothing. But he does throw Kaiba aside and finish the duel with the pharaoh on his own. You know the saying: if you want a children's card game played right, you've got to play it yourself.

Anubis unleashes his monsters- Andro Sphinx and Sphinx Teleia, massive beasts of impressive attack and defense that quickly overwhelm Yami's monsters (As Kaiba labeled them, a cream puff and an elf), leaving our hero at a measly 100 life points. However, Yami exploits a totally bullshit rule that does not exist and grabs Monster Reborn from Kaiba's graveyard, allowing him to revive Blue-Eyes Shining.

Back in the puzzle, Yugi and his friends discover the eye of Anubis, a magical artifact that when shattered, will break the strength of the Pyramid Of Light (how convienent) as the group overpowers mummies to shatter the eye and thus break the invincibility of the card, thus allowing Yami to activate the dragon's effect and blow up the pyramid once and for all, and the sphinxes along with it. Or does he?

Unfortunately for our hero, Anubis has one last trick up his sleeve: his ace card, Thinien The Great Sphinx, that can only be summoned when both of the lower sphinx are destroyed at once. And let me say, I was awe struck at this monster's power. Anubis feeds the creature all of the souls of the monsters in both players' decks (and Kaiba's for some reason), boosting it's attack to a massive 30000 and preparing to absolutely destroy his foe. Luckily, Yami and Yugi become one again and activate Kaiba's facedown trap- Return From The Different Dimension, allowing him to bring back all of the gods and fusing them together for a monster with unlimted attack, blasting Thinien to pieces and the rest of Anubis's health along with it. The Pyramid Of Light around his neck shatters as he is brought to his knees, and all that remains of Anubis is the eye in the center of the pyramid.

Just as everything seems to be ending, the eye starts to glow and Anubis becomes a badass giant dog demon with the intent to destroy the entire stadium and then the world. He reveals that all of the monsters in the decks are real now as Yugis friends try to guard him and Kaiba with monsters that easily get destroyed by Anubis. Pegasus, who appeared earlier, rescues Yugis friends and holds off the collapsing stadium with Toon monsters allowing him to escape. He reveals that yes, he created Blue-Eyes Shining, but the spirit of Anubis placed the Pyramid Of Light in his collection in hopes that it would be used.

Also worth mentioning, earlier in the film, Pegasus has my favorite line in the entire movie: when asked how he knows about the Pyramid Of Light and its mythos, you expect some kind of ancient magic backstory or saying knowing the guy (this guy used to have an ancient artifact shoved in his eye socket), but no:
Ï looked it up.¨

So anyway, Yugi realizes that if the monsters are real, so are their powers- including the Blue-Eyes Shining's abillity to destroy any monster. It sacrifices itself to destroy Anubis, shattering the eye and ending the film.

As a duelist, can I really hate this movie? I guess in a way, I can and cant at the same time.

OVERALL RATING: 5/10
---------------------------------
So its not the best movie. Definitely not. A lot of the main story is lost in the film, the cards are kind of lame (except for Return From The Different Dimension, which is used to this day) and there isn't really a lot to look at without raising more questions (Why didnt Ishizu ever tell Yugi about this artifact?).
But on the bright side, it does play out like an episode of the show: the duel is clean, although somewhat slow, the characters are true to their personalities, and the animation is pretty cool at times (especially in Blue-Eyes Shining and the cataclysmic ending). Overall, its definitely not a super film, but as a duelist, I can appreciate the good parts and loathe the bad.

But trust me, if I was in the film, I could wipe them all out. King Of Games, bitches.

The Critical Frog's Pokemon Adventure: 3-Pokemon Nuzlocke

Sorry I was away for the past month: a lot has come up since August, and Ive been really busy with school and the like. So to make up for it, I'm doing something very interesting: a Nuzlocke challenge for the Pokemon series with a little twist.

For those who are Pokemon-illiterate, Ill explain what a Nuzlocke is: It's like playing through a standard Pokemon game , but you have to abide by special rules that are as follows (taken from Bulbapedia):
-You can only catch the first Pokemon you encounter in the wild
-If a Pokemon faints, it is considered dead and must be released
-You must nickname every Pokemon you catch (to establish a connection with it)
-No resetting the game if something goes wrong
-If you lose a battle (a white out/black out), it's considered an instant Game Over

Those are the basic rules. But due to a bug in my Game Boy Emulator that freezes the game whenever I try to catch anything (except Zigzagoons), I'm adding a few rules for myself to create a challenge I like to call a Froglocke. Here's what I've come up with:

-You can only use Pokemon gifted to you by non-player characters and your starter
- Allowed 2 ¨mulligans"before it is considered a Game Over
- Allowed 1 Pokemon just to use HMs- cannot fight with you in battles
-Maximum of 3 Pokemon allowed at a time (not counting the HM Pokemon)
-Battles you have no chance of winning (level 30s Vs level 100s) don't count towards a Nuzlocke game over

And to top it all off, the game I'm playing is one of the hardest Pokemon ROM hacks around- Pokemon Snakewood, a great hack that blends the graphics and fighting of Pokemon with a story involving demons, zombies and talking dragons. It's a fun story, but also insanely hard, which is why I'm allowing myself some leeway. If I can pull this off, I shall go down in history (or at least in my Skype group) as a legend of Pokemon. I've got a bit of experience with Pokemon and have some impressive victories under my belt (I've beat the final boss of Heartgold without hacks, and came 4th in the Pokemon Regionals at my game store), but this is going to be my hardest challenge yet. Can I be the very best? Let's hope so.

DAY 1:
I started the game by creating a new character, a girl named Evilina (or Lina for short) and looked at the 3 starter Pokemon of the hack avaliable in Littleroot Town: Baltoy, Koffing and Paras. I went with the Baltoy (Topsy) due to my love of Psychic-types and Claydol in particular. Topsy and I got into our first battle against a Boilbasaur (the zombified version of Bulbasaur), which we dispatched easily due to Bulbasaur's poison typing and Baltoy's Confusion.

New Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy), Level 5
Ground/Psychic
Moves: Confusion, Harden, Rapid Spin

We then moved on to Odale Town, where I was given an egg by Professor Birch. After grinding levels for a while with Topsy's advanced moveset compared to other starters, I encountered a trainer that gave me my first challenge.

FIRST MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller ???
Pokemon: Sneasel (Ice/Dark) Level 5

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Baltoy, Psychic/Ground) Level 12

Right off the bat, Sneasel had an advantage due to it's superior typing over Baltoy- It's dark-type made it immune to my Confusion, forcing me to rely on Topsy's new move Sand Tomb to assure victory. It was a close battle (Sand Tomb isn't very accurate, allowing Sneasel many hits on me), but in the end Topsy proved victorious.

After the battle and a visit to the Pokemon Center, I used some of my new funds to buy some Potions before heading on to the next route. Interesting thing here: there was a vending machine in the Poke'Mart. Upon using some money to buy a bottle of Fresh Water for Topsy, I instead received a can of Zombie Livers. I'm not sure if this happened with the Soda Pop and Lemonade options, but to be frank, I'm not sure I want to.

(NOTE: Returning to the machine for a Lemonade, I tried the other options. Apparently only the Fresh Water has been replaced with random body parts.)


DAY 2:
Moving through the route leading to Petalburg City, I encountered many trainers I had to do battle with. Many of them used zombified versions of starter Pokemon, particularly Rotmander (Charmander) and Boilbasaur. Topsy's typing gave it an enormous advantage over the opponent's Pokemon, enabling it to endure many Rotmander attacks and easily destroy any Boilbasaur he did battle with. While farming on this route, my egg hatched- but to my surprise, it hatched into another egg. I'm guessing this is a custom-made Pokemon. This better be worth it.

New Pokemon (2/3)- Benedict (Mysteryegg), Level 5
Disease
Moves: Harden, Leech Life

After expressing my frustration about not being able to catch a Slakoth due to the rules (because Slaking is one of my favorite Pokemon), we moved on to the actual city. While attempting to go to the PokeḾart for some Antidotes in preparation for the woods, I was stopped by a zombie who came at me with an Oozle (zombie Squirtle). Although the Oozle's typing and speed gave it a slight advantage over Baltoy, Topsy's high level combined with his new move Psybeam proved to be a stronger force. With that out of the way, I went into the PokeḾart and finally purchased my antidotes (although sadly, they gave me no discount for chasing a ghost away from their mini mart). Upon discovering I couldn't enter the Petalberg Gym because it was blocked by a mass of skulls (how foreboding), I began to head to the next route. I decided to mainly train Topsy until I could find an Exp. Share to benefit two Pokemon at once, and such much time went into training him.

After a small amount of grinding in the Petalburg Woods, Topsy learned Rock Tomb. It was immediately put to use as we encountered a trainer who warned me that there was something disturbing and strong up ahead. Not one to be scared by trainer comments, I began to charge ahead- but then stopped and ran back to the city to use the medical kit I found to heal my team, just in case. Good thing I did, too- that trainer was right.

SECOND MAJOR BATTLE- Levitating Legless Corpse Zabulon
Pokemon: Houndsour (Fire/Dark) Level 11, Dirtkrow (Flying, Dark) Level 13

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 23, Benedict (Disease) Level 5

As shocked as I was to see a Levitating Legless Corpse in the seemingly innocent woods, I was a tad more surprised to see the Houndour she sent out, or more particularly, it's lack of a head. Instead, it had a bleeding stump where it's neck was to be. My first instinct, being a lover of Houndoom (And fire-types in general, in fact), was to put the poor thing out of it's misery.

Because the poor creature was Dark-type, my Psybeam and Confusion were rendered useless, making me rely solely on Rapid Spin and Rock Tomb to emerge the victor. The Houndsour went down surprisingly fast, but then the Dirtkrow came out. Not surprisingly, this was a Murkrow with a strange coloring to it. While this gave me a large amount of trouble due to it's absolute advantage (Flying and Dark are super effective against Psychic and Ground) and speed, and so I gave Topsy some Lemonade for a boost. This paid off in the long run, as while the Dirtkrow was fast and strong, it could not handle the damage output of a rock-type attack like Rock Tomb. Upon the corpse's death, it dropped my first badge- guess even Roxanne couldn't stand against her. While I was happy to get past the corpse, the battle made me think. If I'm seeing levitating corpses so early in the game, what horrors await later? I don't know, but I really want a Dirtkrow. It's coloring is pretty cool, and if it can outspeed a Baltoy almost twice it's level, it's not all that bad.

(Note: Upon looking at the Wiki, it is impossible to catch a Murkrow, or any variant of it, in Snakewood. That's a shame, I'm quite fond of Honchkrow.)


DAY 3:
After exiting the Petalburg Woods, I came across what looked like a Pikachu sprite. After close examination it was revealed to be a severed Pikachu head on a pike. Naturally, I did the right thing and looted it's corpse for a Super Potion. Pikachu would have wanted me to have it.....
After crossing the bridge leading to the first Gym, I saw the sprite of a youngster. Upon approaching it I was thrust into a battle with a severed head. Joy.
The disembodied head sent out an Eye-Eye, which apparently is a zombified Jinx. After realizing that Psybeam would be no help in this situation, I used Rock Tomb to make quick work of the Jinx.
After a visit to the Pokemon Center and the Mart, I decided to check the Gym to see if the first leader was still alive. Sadly, all I discovered in the gym was emptiness and a TM containing Rock Tomb. Seeing as how Baltoy already had the move, I decided to pick it up anyway and move on.

It wasn't long before I ran into the Deathcaller I had met earlier (See 1st Entry), who's name I discovered is Alicia. From the looks of it, she didn't seem to happy about me knocking her out the first time, and wanted revenge. But Topsy and I don't intend on giving it to her.


THIRD MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia

Pokemon: Sableye (Dark/Ghost) Level 10, Shuppet (Ghost), Level 10, Sneasel (Dark/Ice), Level 15

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 30, Benedict (Disease) Level 6

This battle was a bit more challenging than anything I've seen before.Of course the big problems came from Sableye and Sneasel, as Shuppet went down extremely quick after a Psybeam. Sableye took quite a bit to bring down, being immune to normal and psychic attacks- competely negating 3/4 of my Baltoy's move set, using up many of my Rock Tombs. By the time I faced Sneasel, I was nearly out of tombs ad was forced to rely on Rapid Spin for the battle. Luckily, I had saved quite a few potions for an occasion like this. 20 Rapid Spins and 4 Potions later, Sneasel was downed, and Alicia with it. I swear, the next time I find a TM, it's going to teach Topsy something to smash these lousy Dark-Types.

Passing by Alicia, I encountered a trainer named Gleiss. He said that demons were attacking, and only we could save the world, but he needed to test me first. He sent out a Faceleech, which looked like Deoxys' disembodied arm. While I was expecting a challenge from the new Pokemon, it's Poison-typing and weak attack made it an easy target for Topsy. It's a pretty cool Pokemon, though- I wonder where I can get one.

DAY 4:
After helping Gleiss take down a few demons, I headed through Rusturf tunnel hoping that there would be some sanity in the peaceful Verdanturf town. Sadly, no such thing happened. Instead of the flowery town we all know and forget because it's kind of boring, I saw a pit of fire and my old enemy Alicia, standing next to another girl. Upon approaching her, I discovered that she was the reason behind all these recent attacks- her name is Pestilence, the only female of the Four Horsemen apparently. Because Alicia was apparently not up to taking me down, she decided to give it a shot herself.

I know that the battle against something that sounds so serious should be considered a major battle if I put something like the levitating corpse as one- but to be honest, I only use that term for battles that really put me and my team in jeopardy. In this case, all Pestilence sent out were 3 Moulder (zombie Grimer), which of course fell very quickly to Psybeam.

After eliminating the Horseman, I decided to continue exploring the smoking crater. Discovering an area called Endless Plains I located HM Cut inside, along with what appeared to be a graphics glitch resulting in an endless grassy area. Testing to see if the glitch was gone, I caught a Zigzagoon (my HM Pokemon according to the rules) and proceeded to teach it Cut.

HM Pokemon: Mr. Slave (Zigzagoon) Level 3
Normal
Moves: HMs Only

Soon after finally getting my slave, I used him to cut down the tree leading to my next stop. After pressing on through some zombies, I learned that my next objective was to venture to Dewford Town, where the zombie apocalypse could not reach. There's a Gym Leader there apparently- why challenging the gyms is still a big deal is beyond me. I was pondering how to get the HM Surf so I could accomplish this when I saw the corpse of a fisherman. Examining it, I found not only the HM I needed but also my third and final member of the party. But sadly, it's not exactly the best choice.

New Pokemon (3/3)- Flop (Magikarp)- Level 5
Normal
Moves: Splash

Slightly disappointed about using Magikarp as my third party member, I taught Mr. Slave Surf and headed down to Dewford. I encountered a lot of Quilfish and trainers using them on the ride over, forcing me to use a couple of Antidotes. Upon arriving in Dewford, I approached the Gym only to become slightly irritated- the easy-to-destroy Brawly and his Fighting-types were replaced with an entire Dark-Type Gym.  Oh, Snakewood, you Psychic-hating game. Needless to say, my next move was to enter the caves outside of Dewford and grind levels for my entire team.

Multiple levels later, I decided to try a few battles in the Gym. They were kind of difficult, pushing me to my limits and forcing me to use potions and such. I took this mainly as a sign that I needed to train more, so I set out for Slateport City, thinking there would be more battles and exp to be found there. On the bright side, these battles gave so much exp that Topsy evolved!

EVOLUTION: Topsy (Baltoy- Ground/Psychic) Evolved into Topsy (Claydol- Ground/Psychic)

Sure enough, there were quite a few battles on the beach, but what really made me curious was the trainer's warnings not to go into the house on the shore. Naturally, being an easily distracted person, my first action was to rush into the house and see what the commotion was. Big mistake.

I was greeted with the corpse of a small child stuffed with salt (while it was disturbing, it didn't stop me from looting the corpse) instead of the normal trainer in the area. Soon, I heard a yell and an angry chef came charging at me. Rather than take a whack at me with the large cleaver he was holding, he decided to send out a Munchlax to do battle with Topsy. After enduring a few hits with Flop (I needed to give him the exp) I switched to Topsy and slowly brought him down with Ancientpower and Psybeam. When the chef was finished, I took a look around the house and saw nothing else strange (aside from the salty corpse still sitting in the front) but a soda machine. Completely undisturbed by the situation that just happened, I bought a soda for Topsy and I and called it a day. The only thing I was thinking about then was, what could have made that chef go so crazy? Since the Four Horsemen are clearly some sort of antagonists, I'm guessing it was the work of Famine. But that's not the important thing. The important thing is, why do I keep buying soda and lemonade for a Pokemon that doesn't seem to have a mouth in the first place?

DAY 5:
Much to my chagrin, I was not allowed to proceed into Slateport without the second Gym badge, forcing me to traverse my way back to Dewford for the long-dreaded fight with the Dark-Type Gym. Luckily, upon fighting through the gauntlet and coming face-to-face with new Gym Leader Haruko, she told me she wouldn't fight me without my help investigating the mystery of the Solar Caverns just outside of town. Jumping at the chance of experience, I accepted her task.

Slowly moving down the cavern and farming experience from the Nosepass (the very first Pokemon I ever made fun of) that dwelled inside, I heard the roar grow louder. Eventually, through farming in the caves in case a big fight was coming up, I was treated to the evolution of Flop.

EVOLUTION: Flop (Magikarp-Normal) Evolved into Gary "Mother Fucking"  Dos (Gyarados- Water/Flying)


Upon entering the cavern with Topsy and Gary, I was shocked to see a shiny Charizard sprite appear. Apparently this is the Dragon King, and for some reason he hates Lina for reasons unknown. But one thing's for sure, he wants to fight.

FOURTH MAJOR BATTLE: Dragon King Meteor
Pokemon: Dragon (Dragon/Flying) Level 22

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 38, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 31

I wasn't prepared to face a dragon-type so early into the game, especially not one as strong as Dragon. It's typing made it very difficult for me to bring down, mainly due to the lack of Ice or Dragon-types I could get so early in the game. Upon enduring some fire-type hits with Gary, I switched to Topsy and brought him down steadily with Ancientpower, at the cost of a few drinks. Shortly after the battle, Gary ended up learning Dragon Rage. Oh, so NOW he gets it.....

Upon gaining a few extra levels in the caves, I decided to return to the Gym and fight my way through to Haruko. I saved in front of her, told her what I saw and headed in.

FIFTH MAJOR BATTLE: Gym Leader Haruko
Pokemon: Poochyena (Dark, Normal) Level 18, Carvahna (Water, Dark) Level 19, Luxray (Electric, Dark) level 25,  Absol (Dark) Level 18, Sneasel (Dark/Ice) Level 22, Kingmadio (Ghost/Dark) Level 1

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Psychic, Ground) Level 40, Benedict (Disease) Level 6, Gary (Water, Flying) Level 33


Honestly, for the second Gym Leader, I REALLY didn't expect her to have 6 Pokemon. Would you?
Either way, I started out the fight with Gary against her three Pokemon under level 20. I figured that after learning Hydro Pump and Dragon Rage he could inflict some serious damage. And he did: he managed to sweep through most of her team, though enduring a lot of damage during it, until it was time for Luxray to come out. Naturally, I knew it was time for Topsy to show the fruits of his training.
Surprisingly, Luxray was pretty strong for a level 25. He speed ahead of my Claydol and was ahead in health for quite a bit until I scored a lucky hit with Ancientpower. Sneasel went down almost the same.
With Kingmadio, however, I had no idea what to expect: this was obviously a fan-made Pokemon. Upon trying to use Ancientpower I discovered it had Wonder Guard, meaning he was immune to any non-super-effective attack- and with Kingmadio's Ghost/Dark typing, it was literally immune to all attacks. I ended up forcing it to use all of it's moves (as a level 1, it only had one move- Night Shade, which ended up only doing 1 damage per turn) and making it rely on Struggle, forcing it to damage itself and slowly leading to it's demise.

I finally recieved the second badge for all my trouble, along with TM Bulk Up. To be completely honest, I just hope that's the last I've seen of Luxray. Not very fond of it in this version.

DAY 6:
Finally moving through Slateport and plowing through many former chefs, I pursued my quest to get Gym Badges during the zombie apocalypse by heading through the grassy pathways between Slateport and my next destination, Mauville City. Upon traversing this path I encountered a group of soldiers calling themselves the Inquisition. They all used rock and ground-type Pokemon, however, making them easy pickings for my Gyarados to take down.

When I arrived in Mauville after getting past the strange group, Gleis was already there to greet me. He told me the city was evacuated and that to find answers, I was supposed to go into New Mauville, a cave near the city. Upon surfing to the island I discovered that before the Gym Leader, Wattson, would challenge me, I needed to solve a mystery. Apparently, a man had been murdered in the cave and it was my solemn duty to track down the crook.

After a short investigation, all signs pointed to the chef of New Mauville, but then I had a thought: Chefs don't use Fire Pokemon (the body was badly scorched, and all Chefs use Normal and Psychic types), but Electric moves can also deal scorching damage. Not to mention that a pot of electric honey was said to go missing, and that Wattson was the Electric-Type gym leader....

I tracked down Wattson and faced him only to discover that not only did he have a Luxray, but it was level 100- I had a feeling I wouldn't win this fight. Naturally, I lost.

But upon awakening back in Mauville, I noticed that I was supposed to lose that fight. No mulligan needed.
I learned I had to shut off the generator that powered his Pokemon in order to defeat him. Sure enough, I knocked out the power and all of his Pokemon became significantly weaker. the Luxray that swept my team was reduced to a measly Shinx. His now-weak Pokemon made excellent targets for Claydol.

Upon exiting New Mauville, I learned I was to go to the Island of Calm (another small Island on the grassy path) and hunt down the Inquisition. After hunting down a straggling member in the Mauville gym (who didn't have the badge, but did have TM Shock Wave), I grinded about 10 levels for each of my teammates in preparation for the battle ahead. I broke into their fortress and prepared to face the most amusing enemies I've ever seen in a Pokemon Game: the Inquisition Deadly Seven.

Fighting each of them in a puzzle area, I was surprised to discover that not only were there actually 10 of the Deadly 7. I traveled through the Inquisition board room fighting member after member of the Deadly 7 over and over and over. I never want to see Onix, Mareep, Beldum, Oddish or any of their fake Pokemon ever again.

So after a lot of puzzles I found Gleis, stranded near a lake of lava (although on closer examination, it was revealed to be orange soda- yum). After rescuing him and freeing his Pokemon from mind control, I was gifted with the Dynamo Badge and HM Rock Smash. I taught it to Mr. Slave and proceeded into the desert above Mauville. Surely enough, Famine of the 4 Horsemen was waiting for me, as was Alicia. And from the looks of it, she wasn't too happy to see me.

SIXTH MAJOR BATTLE: Deathcaller Alicia
Pokemon: Sableye Level 29, Banette Level 32, Duskull Level 35, Sneasel Level 38

Lina (Frog)
Pokemon: Topsy (Claydol, Ground/Psychic) Level 52, Benedict (Hyperegg, Disease) Level 32, Gary (Gyarados, Water/Flying) Level 50

The Sableye went down pretty easy this time, with a few shots from Gary. Banette and Duskull hit the floor quickly due to their weakness to Psybeam, and Sneasel yet again fell to an Ancientpower.


BATTLES I STILL NEED TO WORK ON (Coming Soon!)

SEVENTH MAJOR BATTLE: Horseman War
Pokemon: Sableye Level 39, Gigawolf Level 44, Banette Level 40, Dusclops Level 41, Gengar Level 42, Weavile Level 41

EIGHTH MAJOR BATTLE: Taoist Gleis
Pokemon: Haunter Level 38, Quilshark Level 39, Faceleech Level 41, Alakazam Level 40, Seviper Level 38