(NOTE: I was on a boat for a week, and my dad has yet to send me the 2 and a half reviews I composed on the boat. As soon as I get those back, I`ll have 2 fresh reviews for you to enjoy, including a rare review of a recent movie. Please accept a review of Catwoman as my apology for being late on my posts.)
Voted 3rd hottest Batman villain by pretty much everybody (Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy had that category locked) , Catwoman was the writer of Batman`s opportunity to take a new leap into gender roles, casting Selena Kyle as anti-hero (and girlfriend to the big bat himself) Catwoman, a master thief who steals from the rich and gives to....well, herself. Catwoman was a great stride in Gender equality, showing that not all villainous women had to be revealing and/or sidekicks. And after her film debut in Batman Returns, people liked the idea of a Catwoman movie, and so it went into production. Tim Burton was in on it (and we all know how awesome he is), and Michelle Pfeiffer was supposed to reprise her original role as Catwoman from Batman Returns. But things happened, Burton dropped out and Pfeiffer was replaced with Halle Berry (who I actually think is a good actress when she wants to be). A new script was written, and in 2004, an abomination was born.
There are only a few bad superhero movies (Dr. Strange, Punisher, the original Captain America, Swamp-Thing....okay, there`s a crap ton of bad superhero movies) , but this one seems to stand out. On many reviewing sites it`s labeled the worst superhero movie ever. So to make up for being a careless little (BLEEP), I`m going to watch this and see if the rumors are true. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
(By the way, that`s 2 out of the 3 Batman girl villains butchered by the media (Poison Ivy got hers in Batman And Robin). This can only mean they`re coming for Harley Quinn next.....)
To get a big thing out of the way, NO, Catwoman`s secret identity is NOT Selena Kyle. Instead we get a girl named Patience Phillips (the unknown daughter of Phil Phillips), who works for the most dastardly company ever: cosmetics. The company heads are about to retire, but not before releasing a new skin care product called Beau-Line that can reverse aging (so basically it`s just another anti-aging cream like you see on TV). As Patience visits the products design center, she overhears the company heads discussing the harmful effects of the cosmetic, mainly that it can damage the skin without continuous application. The head`s wife (played by Sharon Stone) notices the snooping Patience and orders her guards to dispose of the girl. Patience tries to escape through a pipe, but the goons close it off and flood it, drowning her. Patience lies dead on the beach.
Well, this is off to a good start. Please tell us Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman then comes, sees her body, and goes to beat up the cosmetics companies with help from her scary boyfriend.
I wish. Instead, an Egyptian Mau Cat breathes new life into her (i`m not making that up) and she is reborn, presumably as Catwoman. Patience has various encounters with cat life, like eating tuna and flipping out over catnip (which is probably the low point in both Halle Berry`s career and this movie), until she meets a researcher named Ophelia. Ophelia explains to her that the cat was a vessel for the Egyptian goddess Bast and has chosen to rebirth her as a "catwoman", with superhuman reflexes and powers. When Patience asks Ophelia why nobody believes her theory, she blames it on "Male Academia".
Okay, I need to complain about that. I can say that there are some gender issues in science, like men getting paid more than women. But you want to say that an Egyptian Goddess travels around through cats, seeking dead women to breathe into and empower with magic, and blame it on guys when your stupid theory is rejected? I`m pretty sure that ANY academia would be calling you out on that one.
The newly-crowned Catwoman finds the main scientist of the company murdered and is set to take the blame. She interrogates the male company head and he confesses that he is completely unaware of the side effects of the makeup. The police get onto Catwoman`s tail (see what I did there? Har, har) and she must escsape. Meanwhile, a police officer that she dates analyzes a note left by Catwoman and runs it through extreme testing (despite the fact that you have seen Patience write and it`s the exact same handwriting) to decipher Catwoman`s identity. Did I mention there`s a romantic subplot? Because there is.
Catwoman finds the female head of the company, Laurel, the mastermind behind it all. Catwoman is taken into custody as Laurel reveals that discontinuing use of the cosmetic would result in your skin melting off, but continued use makes it as hard as rock. Honestly, Laurel could easily make money by sending this product to the military as a new form of armor, but hey- she`s evil.
Patience manages to escape and reaches Laurel in her study. Laurel and Catwoman get into a fight, which leads to the bad girl getting scratched in the face and knocked out the window (so either Catwoman`s claws are that hard, or Laurel`s cosmetic was a giant letdown). Her armor makeup disentegrates her skin, leading her to fall to her death. Catwoman is cleared of all murder obligations, but decides to continue her new life on the lam as Catwoman.
And that`s Catwoman. A girl-empowerment film that ended in a fiery explosion of disaster. Do I think it`s the worst superhero movie ever, like so many before me?
OVERALL RATING: 2/10
-------------------------------------------------------------
No, actually. Don`t get me wrong, it`s bad. It`s REALLY BAD. The plot is dumb, the characters are bland, the writing and effects are terrible, and it deserves every bit of hate it gets. But there ARE worse superhero movies. I think Halle Berry really tried to do her best, but the writers dragged down what could have been a great character development story. If Tim Burton was still in on it, then what would happen, I wonder?
Well, That`s it. I`ve reviewed the SECOND worst Superhero Movie of all time. And as for the first- come on, you all know what it is. Do I really have to say it?
*sigh* fine. Batman And Robin. Freaking Batman And Robin. No, I`m not reviewing it anytime soon. Maybe someday. A day when I truly wish to put myself to the ultimate test, to stare into the eyes of Death itself. Or when I feel like it. Either-or.
RIGHT ON TARGET!
ReplyDelete