(NOTE: The Critical Frog wrote this column on a cruise ship on January 1, 2014
after a particularly disappointing movie. Excuse me if it seems dated.)
For the past few days, I`ve been on a ship out in the Caribbean to celebrate the
New Year. Boats are fun and all, but I really missed writing in the blog for
the last week. So when I discovered the small island of Aruba had a small movie
theater, I decided to take a vacation from my vacation and watch a movie. But
since most of the films in theaters were either of no interest to me or not
showing until the ship left port, I was left with one main option: Walking With
Dinosaurs.
I had mixed feelings about this one. When I saw the original trailer, I
witnessed what looked like an amazing picture. I saw beautiful landscapes,
well-made dinosaurs and an amazing look at the times before man, with no voices
but the roars of the majestic beasts. But when I saw the second trailer, I began
to have second thoughts: the dinosaurs would have apparent streams of
consciousness and talk throughout the movie. I wasn`t too thrilled by the idea,
but still looked forward to the sights of the beautifully rendered CGI
Dinosaurs. So in the spirit of the new year, I decided to give Walking With
Dinosaurs a shot.
I wish I hadn`t.
Yes, sadly, the masterful CGI and landscapes are offset by poor comedy and an
attempt to portray dinosaurs as more than they are. By watching this, I stand to
think I would have enjoyed myself a little more on the cruise ship, watching
Love Boat reruns and chugging down my 36th Coke of the week. Anyways, let`s go
ram the meteor of criticism into these dinos, shall we?
Surprisingly enough, the movie doesn`t start with dinosaurs at all. Instead, we
get a surly teenager texting while his paleontologist uncle and sister discuss
various things dinosaur-related. The uncle reveals a dinosaur tooth and goes to
a dig site with the sister, leaving the teen holding the tooth next to a car.
The teen is then mocked by a raven (not of the Teen Titan variety, but that
would be amazing) who tells him to look deeper at the tooth because every fossil
has a story. The bird then says he was around at the time of the fossil and
turns into a primitive bird who begins to tell our main story. So the bird is a
time traveler in different forms like Doctor Who? Okay then.
The bird tells the story of Patchi, a baby dinosaur growing up in a nest.
Patchi is the runt of his litter, and his father is the leader of their dinosaur
herd. After being pushed around by his brother Scowler, Patchi leaves the nest
and gets attacked by a Trodon (like a weird primitive turkey). The little dino
survives but loses a part of his head.
After he comes to the terms with his wound, he meets a girl names Juniper who
flips for the hole in his head (guess she likes men with scars). Patchi and his
bird (yeah, Doctor Bird is a main character) return to the place they met only
to learn 5 days later that Juniper`s herd has gone on a migration . On the
orders of the herd`s leader, they set out on the migration themselves
On this migration, Patchi and Scowler run, follow their father and poke fun at
each other in their despicable dinosaur consciousnesses. When the group enters a
forest, lightning strikes, one thing leads to another and the entire forest
catches on fire. Patchi and Scowler try to run away but are hounded by the
vicious Gorgosaurs that somehow are immune to fire. Patchi`s dad protects the
two from being eaten but at the cost of his own life. The brothers make it to
the rest of the herd, where they meet up with Juniper.
As the herd travels on (while being narrated by Doctor Bird and Patchi, who
somehow entered the future) , Patchi, Juniper and Scowler are shocked to see the
herd hunted by a pack of Gorgosaurs. The group slip on some rocks and end up
spiraling into a current. After a replay of Patchi`s dive by Doctor Bird to
prove a point, Film-style, the gang gets separated from the herd and must find
their own way to the feeding grounds.
Along the way, the gang runs into a pack of Edmontosaurs who appear to be on the
way to the feeding grounds. Juniper reveals that she has a hurt leg and Patchi
stays behind the pack to nurse her while Scowler heads off.
The two manage to arrive at the feeding grounds and hang out for a while. The
movie then cuts to a time lapse of the herd doing the same migration over and
over with the same animation repeated while Doctor Bird criticizes the movement.
Really, I should be enjoying the 4th wall jokes, but I think at this point
Deadpool, Pinkie Pie and Ferris Bueller would be having an intervention with
this movie. 4th wall jokes are very hit-or-miss, and this movie misses a lot
more than it hits. It` like the exact opposite of everyone else in that
intervention. When Pinkie and Ferris do it, they do it in moderation, and the
sheer coolness of Ferris and randomness of Pinkie Pie perfectly balance the 4th
wall. For Deadpool, well, his entire purpose in life is to utterly destroy the
4th wall, and that`s what he does in a humorous and unpredictable manner.
Walking With Dinosaurs is not Deadpool, however, so it really doesn't need to
act like him.
So time passes and Scowler challenges the leader of the herd to a headbutting
competition to determine who will lead. Scowler wins and reforms the herd to be
completely free of any fun. After Patchi saves the herd from dying at the hands
of ice, he tries to be a hero and challenge Scowler to a headbutting match.
Scowler destroys Patchi Zod-Style, leaving him crushed beneath a log (Kneel
Before Scowler! KNEEL!).
Patchi ultimately realizes he can`t beat Scowler ever and lays down to die
underneath the log. But Doctor Bird appears and gives Patchi hope and the
strength to continue by telling him to believe and die for something good (it
was about this time I simply gave up on the film). Patchi shakes off the tree
snd beats up many dinosaurs before finally catching up with the herd.
When Patchi sees the herd, Scowler is being attacked by a vicious pack of
Gorgosaurs. Patchi decides to forget the past and save Scowler with help from
the entire herd. Scowler decides that Patchi would be better fo the herd and
names him the ruler. We then see that the teenager is still looking at the tooth
and goes to help his uncle. We see that the tooth is part of a Gorgosaurus
defeated in the fight and that it fits perfectly.....and the movie basically
ends.
So that`s Walking With Dinosaurs. Okay, I`ll give an honest opinion on this:
OVERALL RATING: 4/10
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Wow. This is the highest rating I`ve given so far, and it`s only for the
animation. The animation was beautiful, but again, the bad humor and characters
ruin it for everyone. Sometimes the humor DOES work (a line I actually like is
`Lumber, Patchi! Lumber like the wind!`), but most of the time, it seems like a
giant copy of `Dinosaur` to me. It`s not HORRIBLE, Per se, but it`s not at all
what I would like or expected from a movie with such great art. My advice is to
hit `mute` and just appreciate the beautiful landscapes and the lifelike
dinosaurs.
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