It's the first anniversary of my blog. Whoop-de-fecking doo.
I imagine you all want something special for helping me carry the blog this far. Maybe a party? Would you like a party? One with cake and candy and punch and that sort of thing? Well, tough. Nobody gets a party here until I put my most hated film of all time to rest. That's right, because this film is riding my behind, I'm going to ride yours and put the celebration on hold until this is all sorted out. If the dungeon master ain't happy, then ain't nobody happy, son. But on with the review.
I remember when I was little, back in the early 2000s, when a nintendo DS was considered the greatest advance in technology and Blockbuster was still a thing. My dad would always take me to the rental place to pick out a DVD for me to watch while he slept. And practically every time, I went for the same DVD: George Of The Jungle, or as I like to call it, My Childhood.
George Of The Jungle was a simple guy, a parody of Tarzan who commonly crashed into trees while swinging on vines. And for some reason, he was amazing.
I freaking loved this film when I was little, and looking back on it now, I can see why: of all the films based on older cartoons that inevitably ended up flopping, George Of The Jungle seemed like the film with the least chance of success. But, interestingly, it turned out pretty well: Brendan Frasier as George delivered a goofy but enjoyable performance, and the rest of the cast followed suit, creating a unique sense of humor mixed with delightful comedy (and the best narrator in the history of film) and overall a surprisingly good film (Roger Ebert went as far as to give it 3 out of 4 stars). The fourth-wall references and reoccurring jokes actually work in a parody like this, and combine with the humorous cast and visuals to create a sense of comedic mastery. While I wouldn't go as far as to call it a masterpiece, Id be more than happy to say that it's a fairly good film and a decent way to kill some time if you want a few laughs. There are some genuinely good lines in the movie as well, whether they be touching or funny.
And then, numerous years later, a new film came along to place a stain on the legacy of my favorite childhood film. This, my friends, is the absolute worst sequel of all time, and it is known as George Of The Jungle 2.
It's rather curious how a sequel can ruin the legacy of the original with nothing more but a change of actors and the addition of poop jokes. Although most of the first film took place in the jungle, there weren't many dirty jokes: sure, there was one here or there (¨Bad guy falls in poop- classic bit of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we all throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?¨ ¨Ready! AHAHAHAHA!), but for the most part it was pretty tame (except for the castration joke). But here, dirty jokes are thrown around like Zug-Zug in the finale. This film was so bad and such a dumb idea that they couldn't even get most of the original actors back- there's a new George, a new Ursula, and even a new Shep (George's pet elephant, who for some reason they didn't apply the same CGI to- heck, he looks worse in the sequel). What was the point of this film if not even the original actors wanted anything to do with it? I have no idea, but this has bothered me my entire life- and to fully become a critic, I must face my fear and watch this once more. Grab your shovel and rain coat- we're heading into the biggest pile of Zug-Zug I've ever seen.
The sequel opens with a short animated bit with a refrain of that famous catchy theme song as George abd his new son get into mischief. We then see, in real life, that George has been replaced by a new actor. Let me give you my reaction to the first time I saw this scene:
¨Ahh! That's not George! Ursula! That's not your jungle husband!" (sees Ursula) And that's not Ursula either! Shep, who are these people? (sees terrible CGI Shep) Ahhhhhh! That's not Shep either! It's all a lie!¨
(sits in the corner crying and cradles a stuffed animal)
So yeah, it's a bit of a surprise to see entirely different actors playing these characters. At least New George looks somewhat like the original- I guess that's something. New Ursula, on the other hand, only has the hair down. Everything else is wrong.
The doppelgangers spend some time messing around in the jungle before Ursula's mother arrives and attempts to convince Ursula to move back to the city with her son. She refuses and the mother goes off in a huff.
After more pointless jungle gags, we see the main plot surface: George's jungle brother Ape goes bankrupt in Las Vegas (no mention of how he got to Vegas and gambled in the first place, but I have a feeling anybody can gamble in Vegas), and George needs to get him back for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, Ursula's mother and Ursula's ex-fiance Lyle conspire to hypnotize her to love Lyle again. And this brings me to my second major issue of the film:
It never really explains what happened between the first film and the second. At the end of the original George, Lyle is revealed to have joined a romance cult and is authorized to perform marriages. He kidnaps Ursula and drags her into a cave to marry. But due to a trick by George and Ape, he ends up marrying himself to a gorilla instead. If Lyle is married now, to a gorilla or otherwise, why can't he just grab her and force a marriage? Can you even do that if you're already married? Maybe he divorced the gorilla, I dunno.
Also bothersome is the topic of Ursula's mother. At the end of film 1, she was fine with her daughter marrying a jungle man, though being extremely disappointed. And now that they have a son, what reason does she have to remove the kid or her stepson from their home? What makes her think she's the authority on proper environment for animals and people? I think Ape put it best in film 1:
"Ma'am, I knew Jane Goodall. And you are no Jane Goodall."
So back to the plot (if you can call it that): George rescues Ape from the Las Vegas strip along with a random kangaroo (because kangaroos have a place in a film about the jungle) while the villains recruit Ursula's old friends to convince her to leave her husband and marry Lyle. (When these three girls enter, they are greeted and called angels by a man named Charlie- because every little kid's gonna get that joke) When their persuasion doesn't work, the group decides to hire a hypnotist after watching him force a lactose-intolerant woman to eat bowls of ice cream (whoopsies). He succeeds in hypnotizing Ursula for the time being, then telling Lyle that the first person she kisses will be the love of her life permanently.
On top of this, two of Ursula's mom's henchmen seek to bulldoze the jungle (although George is in the city and so is Ursula- why destroy the jungle if what you want to destroy is right here?). After getting up to a skyline and swinging into a tower, Ape says something odd: "You didn't think that we would miss this parody, did you?"So this city version of the joke that pioneered this film is considered a parody now? There's a fine line between using a joke and parodying it, and just taking the joke out of context doesn't turn it into a parody.
So before the climax of the film, I think I should mention the side plot about the evil lion who wants to challenge George's rule of the jungle. Did I mention that?
Yeah, this entire time the jungle has been in danger. You see, the lion from the first film has decided he wants to control the Jungle for no apparent reason, and George has to stop him along with all the trouble he's going through now.
Now in the first film, the lion isn't really seen as a villain: he appears near Lyle and Ursula scaring them before Lyle runs off and George saves her. George lets the lion go and as a thanks, the lion turns up later to help with another issue in the film. That issue is a cute scene where a little monkey is being excluded by the group and George helps him. The little monkey shrieks at the lion, who pretends to be scared and slinks away with a wink to George, sort of like a "my debt is repaid" wink and earning Little Monkey the respect of the pack. Now what reason does the lion have to want the jungle? We saw in the first film that given the chance, George can kick the lion's ass in physical combat. Assuming George and the lion have no qualms now and are both friends of Little Monkey, what reason is there for this plot point? I have no idea.
So finally, after getting a tip from Brendan Frasier about what's going on (no joke, that's actually what the narrator says), the gang heads back to the jungle, where Lyle and Ursula and her mom are waiting. We see that bulldozers have arrived to plow down the jungle and that the animals are trying their best to stop them. George rushes to help, but the lion blocks his way. They get into a fight and George ends up killing the lion, thus ending his entirely pointless reign as king.
As the animals ram and push and throw Zug-Zug (poop) at the dozers, George works to take them down, but to no avail. All seems lost until allies appear- Little Monkey, now the leader of his group, and George Junior, his son. They all work together and destroy the machines, Ursula's Mom is defeated and George kisses her daughter, breaking the spell and ensuring their love. Lyle attempts to stop them, but is grabbed and carried off by a giant cartoon hand in the sky. No joke.
Apparently, the narrator has had enough of this mother-bleeping Lyle in this mother-bleeping movie and removes him from it. This annoys me because the Narrator never really got involved in the plot in the first film- mainly heckling from the sidelines and quipping about the situation- but never really taking physical action- thus destroying the only other two characters I enjoyed in this film. George and Ursula remarry and live happily ever after. At least SOMEBODY'S happy about this.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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Have you ever heard the song "The Straight Razor Cabaret" by Aurielo Voltaire? (If not, go look it up. It's pretty cool) It's about a man people call Straight Razor who runs a cabaret show. If you don't laugh and smile at his show, then he takes out a knife and slashes your facial muscles in a way that locks your mouth into a smile. As the song goes, "There's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud.".
If it was between watching this film one more time or visiting the Straight Razor Cabaret with a permanent frown on my face, I'd say bring on the cabaret. Even Straight Razor's knife would pale in comparison to the pain I felt watching this.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I really freaking hate this film. Not because it's a pointless sequel to a film that didn't need one in the first place. Not because the jokes are corny and pointless. Not because it mentions Brendan Frasier for no reason so much it sounds like the film has a stick up it's rear end about him. Not even because of the terrible casting, or the CGI, or plot. In fact, some of the stuff I've seen is MUCH worse than this (I'm looking at you, Garbage Pail Kids). Those are all factors, but what really ticks me off is just what the original meant to me. That film was my childhood, one of the few things I can look back on and still enjoy, and probably my favorite kid's film of all time. And this film came along and took a crap on everything I used to love. You ruined the plot, you ruined the story, and you ruined my life. Good job, film. Good job. Your cauldron of boiling oil in hell is waiting for you.
But.....you know what? It;s kind of odd, but I actually owe something to this film. This abomination is what gave me my hatred for bad film. It's the first thing I ever really felt hate for, and to this day, I still haven't felt as angry at anything else as I did back then. This is the film that made me want to become a critic. In a way, it's not only the worst thing I've ever seen, but also the thing that made me want to expose it.
And now I finally put this film and saga to rest. Farewell, George Of The Jungle 2: my greatest enemy, but also my driving spark. I'm the Critical Frog, and I'm finally free.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
The Critical Frog- Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks
Well.... after my review of Equestria Girls back in the summer, I kind of promised I'd do the sequel when it came out. But sadly, once again, no theaters were playing it here in my lonely little city, so I had to look on the internet. But, through time and patience (AKA A Google Search), I managed to find it. So.... think the pony summer is over? Yeah, it is. But as any brony (including myself) can tell you.... any time is pony time! So grab your brony t-shirt and hug your stuffed animal (don't lie, every brony has or wants a stuffed pony) and get ready to rock!
We start with a scene unfolding in the human world, at a coffee shop where many people are arguing for some unknown reason. We are introduced to the villians Sonata and Aria and their leader Adagio, who apparently were once denziens of Equestria and need to find a good source of anger to power them. Suddenly, a rainbow blast appears and, seeing the signs of pony magic, they decide to use it to make the world adore them. And.... Epic theme song time!
During the theme song, we get a recap of the original film along with images of the human ponies playing instruments in sillouette, before introducing the final main character as... Sunset Shimmer?
In case you never saw the first film, Sunset Shimmer was the prime antagonist. She stole Twilight Sparkle's crown, acted like a big jerk at school and turned into a giant demon sorceress before being blasted by a blast of friendship. How exactly are they going to turn her around into a good guy? But on with the review.
We see people decorating banners for a music event (I assume, because all the banners have instruments) as SS tries to help. She is called over by the other members of the Mane 6 in human form (did I mention I find human Pinkie sort of attractive?) as they discuss the banner and engage in hijinks (Pinkie used frosting instead of paste) before Principal Celestia comes in and explains our setup for the evening: the school is having a Musical Showcase and everybody is stoked to help raise money, but when the Fall Formal of last year is brought up everyone shares a disgruntled look at Shimmer. Apparently turning into a giant demon and hypnotizing the entire dance is looked down upon (kudos to the film, though, for explaining it again).
Later, the girls are setting up their instruments and discussing the events of last year. Due to Twilight's intervention at the dance, the Mane 5 (sans Twilight) forgive her for her, as Rarity puts it, "Boo-boos" last year and welcome her as a friend. They then rehearse and we get a shot of all the girls on their instruments: Dashie on lead guitar, Applejack on bass, Rarity on keytar, Pinkie on drums and Fluttershy on rhythmic tambourine (taking percussion classes in the 7th grade, I can vouch that this is an actual musical point). The song plays out well while we see cameos and such, and somehow the ponies grow their horns, wings, ears and tails during the song. They try to unravel what happens and begin to argue over thigns before Flash Sentry enters and interrupts the argument. After he leaves, we get more discussions about Shimmer's reformation, followed by another short argument (Cough Cough Rainbow Dash) as Sunset Shimmer shows three new girls around the school: Sonata, Aria and Adagio, who then discover the showcase. Talk about a coincidence.
A few scenes later, these three enter the lunchroom singing about the Battle Of The Bands, which somehow hypnotizes all of the students into being extremely competitive and determined to win. Of course, the song is good, staying in critic mode....
Oh, who am I kidding..... THIS SONG IS AWESOME!
Say what you will about the easily identifiable villians, but they can really sing. This is a really intense, but somehow still calm song about competition that somehow manages to stick in your head after it's done. I love it. Somehow, the new Mane 6 is immune to the spell as they all suspect foul play. Of course, the principals disagree with them (possibly because they've so clearly been hypnotized) and the Mane 6 are on their own.
The group tries to contact Twilight Sparkle with a mystical book Sunset Shimmer has. With it, she is may be able to send messages to Princess Celestia. Cut to the newly-reformed Ponyville, where Princess Twilight and her pony friends are relaxing when an important message comes in- the one SS sent, of course. Twilight easily identifies these mysteriouis girls as The Sirens, who gain power through absorbing negative energy. They were then banished to the human world many years ago, where they just now surfaced for reasons unknown, probably due to the magical forces of plot convience.
Twilight invents a machine that will allow her to transport between worlds at will, and has to abandon her pony friends once again to avoid confusion. She takes Spike with her and again enters the world of fan service. We learn that Flash Sentry (who's band now includes two of the Big Lebowski ponies as humans) still has a crush on Twi, and that the girls can change forms when they play music because some of Twilight's magic remains in them.
The Mane 6 (7?) arrive at a party for the bands, hoping the Sirens will be there. Sure enough, they arrive and attempt to use the power of their friendship to stop the sirens, but to no avail. The sirens then spark the anger of the student body (and Trixie, because her overrexagaration is always funny) and while distracted, plot to find out what makes the girls immune while Twilight and SS plan to stop the Sirens by using a counter-song. Twilight is drafted into the band (while somehow Pinkie gets ahold of a theromin) as the lead singer, much to the dislike of Rainbow Dash. The girls have a slumber party in order to give Twilight a place to sleep for the night, but probably more to make an excuse to see the girls do random things: Pinkie updates her Facebook status, AJ and RD get carried away playing video games and Fluttershy strokes Pinkie's pet alligator (apparently Gummy is now canon in the human world). But try as she might, Twilight simply cannot write her counter spell (although part of it may be because she's holding the pen in her mouth). Sunset Shimer and Twilight have a short discussion about living up to expectations before it is interrupted by a cameo (Maude Pie, Pinkie's incredibly boring sister).
The next morning, the song turns out to fail (with another cameo) and the band begins to argue before being interrupted by a rush to sign up. This leads the gang to come up with a plan: because Twilight hasn't finished the song yet, Rainbow Dash will once again take control of the band to keep them in the battle until Twilight can finish. But Twilight is worried: will she live up to her friends' expectations?
So the Battle Of The Bands begins, the principals remain hpynotized and the Sirens absorb all the competitive energy in the room. We then get a montage of failed musical acts (Snips and Snails do a rap act) and then the girls prepare to go on with a small joke about Rarity's new outfit (must...hide...teenage boner). As the girls sing their first song (Shake Your Tail from the preview) many of the other acts attempt to sabotage them. Although, mad credit to the gals for keeping up an awesome song with both sabotage and Rarity crying.
The Sirens then perform at the battle and, let's face it, their music is still awesome. The odd thing is, they say they're still saving their best songs for last. I'm expecting something amazing. We get a montage during this about how the girls are arguing before their next match is revealed to be against Trixie. She gets a decent few lines of songs and gets some shots off at Rainbow Dash before it's the girls' turn to go on. Of course, their song is great, but Rainbow Dash hogs the spotlight and begins a small fight within the group after SS tackles Dashie to prevent the Sirens from seeing the rainbow magic. Of course, everyone sees it the wrong way and the group has a slight argument before the Sirens manipulate the principals into eliminating Trixie's team from the tournament. But as Trixie storms off, the Sirens get to her and she begins to go evil again. She tricks the Mane 6 and sends them down a trapdoor in the stage, then closing it off.
The group remains there until night, as the Mane 7 argue while Trixie plays a song in the background (I love it, of course). The 5 supporting ponies fall vicitim to the evil bug as their energy is slowly drained. As the energy flows into the Sirens and SS attempts to work out the band's issues, they begin their song to hypnotize everyone and release their true forms (basically girls withdragon wings).....
You all know what I'm going to say about it, don't you? Of course you do. I freaking love it. Moing on.
Twilight and Sunset Shimmer help the gang be friends again and Spike manages to break out the girls with help from an unlikely friend: the human Vinyl Scratch (DJ P0n-3), who is immune to the Sirens' song because she never takes off her dubstep-blasting headphones.
The group realizes that any song they sing with the power of their friendship works as a counterspell, and with the help of Vinyl's car that transforms into a DJ booth (don't ask) they work to outplay the Sirens' song with a song that releases their true friendship and enter an apocalyptic battle of music and epicness as the Sirens release giant dragons that are supposed to be their music's power, but they are quickly met by the Mane 6 with help from Sunset Shimmer (who, I have to admit, is a pretty good singer). They sing a song that allows Sunset Shimmer to reenter her pony/human form, which allows them to all work together and blow the sirens to oblivion with a giant magic unicorn blast. The Sirens lose their musical prowess and quickly lose the battle of the bands. Flash Sentry gets another romance scene in, Trixie makes another braggy joke and Sunset Shimmer is signed on as the band's new vocalist before Twilight has to go back. End of film.
Those of you who actually follow my blog may recall I gave the first Equestria Girls a semi-decent review. I said it had it's good points and it's bad points, but overall it was a decent film. So, how does number 2 stack up?
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
---------------------------------
Okay, it's a mixed bag like the first one. There are quite a few plot holes (how could Spike get Vinyl's attention if she always has her headphones on?) and a few missed opportunities (I'd love to have seen some of the season 4 characters as humans, like Cheese Sandwich if only to get Weird Al back into the MLP universe). But hey, whatever the bad points are, they're easily outshined by the fantastic song numbers: whatever Equestria Girls did in the musical department, Rainbow Rocks surpassed it tenfold. The songs are, obviously, the high point; every single one is amazing and catchy, and if the soundtrack ever comes out, I'd gladly purchase it without a second thought. I think if they make a third EG film, my advice would be to combine the basic high points of the original with the music of the second. Maybe then I'd be able to give a MLP movie more than 6 out of 10 without a sense of pandering.
We start with a scene unfolding in the human world, at a coffee shop where many people are arguing for some unknown reason. We are introduced to the villians Sonata and Aria and their leader Adagio, who apparently were once denziens of Equestria and need to find a good source of anger to power them. Suddenly, a rainbow blast appears and, seeing the signs of pony magic, they decide to use it to make the world adore them. And.... Epic theme song time!
During the theme song, we get a recap of the original film along with images of the human ponies playing instruments in sillouette, before introducing the final main character as... Sunset Shimmer?
In case you never saw the first film, Sunset Shimmer was the prime antagonist. She stole Twilight Sparkle's crown, acted like a big jerk at school and turned into a giant demon sorceress before being blasted by a blast of friendship. How exactly are they going to turn her around into a good guy? But on with the review.
We see people decorating banners for a music event (I assume, because all the banners have instruments) as SS tries to help. She is called over by the other members of the Mane 6 in human form (did I mention I find human Pinkie sort of attractive?) as they discuss the banner and engage in hijinks (Pinkie used frosting instead of paste) before Principal Celestia comes in and explains our setup for the evening: the school is having a Musical Showcase and everybody is stoked to help raise money, but when the Fall Formal of last year is brought up everyone shares a disgruntled look at Shimmer. Apparently turning into a giant demon and hypnotizing the entire dance is looked down upon (kudos to the film, though, for explaining it again).
Later, the girls are setting up their instruments and discussing the events of last year. Due to Twilight's intervention at the dance, the Mane 5 (sans Twilight) forgive her for her, as Rarity puts it, "Boo-boos" last year and welcome her as a friend. They then rehearse and we get a shot of all the girls on their instruments: Dashie on lead guitar, Applejack on bass, Rarity on keytar, Pinkie on drums and Fluttershy on rhythmic tambourine (taking percussion classes in the 7th grade, I can vouch that this is an actual musical point). The song plays out well while we see cameos and such, and somehow the ponies grow their horns, wings, ears and tails during the song. They try to unravel what happens and begin to argue over thigns before Flash Sentry enters and interrupts the argument. After he leaves, we get more discussions about Shimmer's reformation, followed by another short argument (Cough Cough Rainbow Dash) as Sunset Shimmer shows three new girls around the school: Sonata, Aria and Adagio, who then discover the showcase. Talk about a coincidence.
A few scenes later, these three enter the lunchroom singing about the Battle Of The Bands, which somehow hypnotizes all of the students into being extremely competitive and determined to win. Of course, the song is good, staying in critic mode....
Oh, who am I kidding..... THIS SONG IS AWESOME!
Say what you will about the easily identifiable villians, but they can really sing. This is a really intense, but somehow still calm song about competition that somehow manages to stick in your head after it's done. I love it. Somehow, the new Mane 6 is immune to the spell as they all suspect foul play. Of course, the principals disagree with them (possibly because they've so clearly been hypnotized) and the Mane 6 are on their own.
The group tries to contact Twilight Sparkle with a mystical book Sunset Shimmer has. With it, she is may be able to send messages to Princess Celestia. Cut to the newly-reformed Ponyville, where Princess Twilight and her pony friends are relaxing when an important message comes in- the one SS sent, of course. Twilight easily identifies these mysteriouis girls as The Sirens, who gain power through absorbing negative energy. They were then banished to the human world many years ago, where they just now surfaced for reasons unknown, probably due to the magical forces of plot convience.
Twilight invents a machine that will allow her to transport between worlds at will, and has to abandon her pony friends once again to avoid confusion. She takes Spike with her and again enters the world of fan service. We learn that Flash Sentry (who's band now includes two of the Big Lebowski ponies as humans) still has a crush on Twi, and that the girls can change forms when they play music because some of Twilight's magic remains in them.
The Mane 6 (7?) arrive at a party for the bands, hoping the Sirens will be there. Sure enough, they arrive and attempt to use the power of their friendship to stop the sirens, but to no avail. The sirens then spark the anger of the student body (and Trixie, because her overrexagaration is always funny) and while distracted, plot to find out what makes the girls immune while Twilight and SS plan to stop the Sirens by using a counter-song. Twilight is drafted into the band (while somehow Pinkie gets ahold of a theromin) as the lead singer, much to the dislike of Rainbow Dash. The girls have a slumber party in order to give Twilight a place to sleep for the night, but probably more to make an excuse to see the girls do random things: Pinkie updates her Facebook status, AJ and RD get carried away playing video games and Fluttershy strokes Pinkie's pet alligator (apparently Gummy is now canon in the human world). But try as she might, Twilight simply cannot write her counter spell (although part of it may be because she's holding the pen in her mouth). Sunset Shimer and Twilight have a short discussion about living up to expectations before it is interrupted by a cameo (Maude Pie, Pinkie's incredibly boring sister).
The next morning, the song turns out to fail (with another cameo) and the band begins to argue before being interrupted by a rush to sign up. This leads the gang to come up with a plan: because Twilight hasn't finished the song yet, Rainbow Dash will once again take control of the band to keep them in the battle until Twilight can finish. But Twilight is worried: will she live up to her friends' expectations?
So the Battle Of The Bands begins, the principals remain hpynotized and the Sirens absorb all the competitive energy in the room. We then get a montage of failed musical acts (Snips and Snails do a rap act) and then the girls prepare to go on with a small joke about Rarity's new outfit (must...hide...teenage boner). As the girls sing their first song (Shake Your Tail from the preview) many of the other acts attempt to sabotage them. Although, mad credit to the gals for keeping up an awesome song with both sabotage and Rarity crying.
The Sirens then perform at the battle and, let's face it, their music is still awesome. The odd thing is, they say they're still saving their best songs for last. I'm expecting something amazing. We get a montage during this about how the girls are arguing before their next match is revealed to be against Trixie. She gets a decent few lines of songs and gets some shots off at Rainbow Dash before it's the girls' turn to go on. Of course, their song is great, but Rainbow Dash hogs the spotlight and begins a small fight within the group after SS tackles Dashie to prevent the Sirens from seeing the rainbow magic. Of course, everyone sees it the wrong way and the group has a slight argument before the Sirens manipulate the principals into eliminating Trixie's team from the tournament. But as Trixie storms off, the Sirens get to her and she begins to go evil again. She tricks the Mane 6 and sends them down a trapdoor in the stage, then closing it off.
The group remains there until night, as the Mane 7 argue while Trixie plays a song in the background (I love it, of course). The 5 supporting ponies fall vicitim to the evil bug as their energy is slowly drained. As the energy flows into the Sirens and SS attempts to work out the band's issues, they begin their song to hypnotize everyone and release their true forms (basically girls withdragon wings).....
You all know what I'm going to say about it, don't you? Of course you do. I freaking love it. Moing on.
Twilight and Sunset Shimmer help the gang be friends again and Spike manages to break out the girls with help from an unlikely friend: the human Vinyl Scratch (DJ P0n-3), who is immune to the Sirens' song because she never takes off her dubstep-blasting headphones.
The group realizes that any song they sing with the power of their friendship works as a counterspell, and with the help of Vinyl's car that transforms into a DJ booth (don't ask) they work to outplay the Sirens' song with a song that releases their true friendship and enter an apocalyptic battle of music and epicness as the Sirens release giant dragons that are supposed to be their music's power, but they are quickly met by the Mane 6 with help from Sunset Shimmer (who, I have to admit, is a pretty good singer). They sing a song that allows Sunset Shimmer to reenter her pony/human form, which allows them to all work together and blow the sirens to oblivion with a giant magic unicorn blast. The Sirens lose their musical prowess and quickly lose the battle of the bands. Flash Sentry gets another romance scene in, Trixie makes another braggy joke and Sunset Shimmer is signed on as the band's new vocalist before Twilight has to go back. End of film.
Those of you who actually follow my blog may recall I gave the first Equestria Girls a semi-decent review. I said it had it's good points and it's bad points, but overall it was a decent film. So, how does number 2 stack up?
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
---------------------------------
Okay, it's a mixed bag like the first one. There are quite a few plot holes (how could Spike get Vinyl's attention if she always has her headphones on?) and a few missed opportunities (I'd love to have seen some of the season 4 characters as humans, like Cheese Sandwich if only to get Weird Al back into the MLP universe). But hey, whatever the bad points are, they're easily outshined by the fantastic song numbers: whatever Equestria Girls did in the musical department, Rainbow Rocks surpassed it tenfold. The songs are, obviously, the high point; every single one is amazing and catchy, and if the soundtrack ever comes out, I'd gladly purchase it without a second thought. I think if they make a third EG film, my advice would be to combine the basic high points of the original with the music of the second. Maybe then I'd be able to give a MLP movie more than 6 out of 10 without a sense of pandering.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The Critical Frog- Ratatoing
Guys, I really don't want to do this. Seriously.
...Come on, please. I just want to get through my anniversary month. Cut me some slack.
...There's no getting out of this, is there?
I thought not.
So yeah, we're continuing my 1-year anniversary descent into cinema's depths with a look at- surprise- another film from Video Briquendo, or as I like to call them, my poorly animated private hell. This time the film getting torn apart by this horrendous company is the classic cooking film Ratatouille. And as much as I loved The Princess And The Frog, I have a soft spot for Ratatouille. The original film, about a rat in Paris with marvelous cooking skills who helps turn a bumbling chef into a culinary all-star, was a decent flick with amazing imagery of the city of love and a fantastic cast of characters. One scene in particular that stands out comes from a food critic at the end (hey criticism buddy!), who delivers a quote so brilliantly written I could watch it over and over without any regrets.
But the Video Briquendo version has none of the charm or joy of the original. Gone are the character traits and quotes we value, gone is the brilliant animation, and gone is my sanity from sitting through this dog's anus of a butchering. So hold on to your lunch- you'll probably lose your appetite from a showing of Ratatoing.
The film opens with a poorly-written narration about a restaurant in Rio De Janiero, known as Ratatoing, where renowned rat chef Marcell Toing creates the most delicious cuisine available for the most civilized rats in the world. His waitstaff includes Carol, a pink rat waitress with the voice of Amy Rose from Sonic X (who somehow manages to be even MORE annoying than Amy), Otavio, the waiter who has no personality traits but being the waiter, and Greg, the green rat who's job at the restaurant seems to be to stand in the kitchen and say ¨Precisely¨ a lot. These rats carefully attend to each of their customers, all of whom manage to be incredibly badly animated and have terrible voice acting to match. We get some discussion going on in the restaurant about how amazing the food is- and I assume I would have a little more tolerance for this group of discussions if it didn't take up A FOURTH OF THE FREAKING MOVIE.
Like most rip-offs, this film not only manages to shorten the film's running time by half, but manages the incredible task of spending 11 minutes of it's 45-minute running time doing absolutely nothing but having the customers drone on about how fantastic Marcell's food is, even repeating the same speech 3 times over that course.
After that little scene, we see that one of the tables is home to the villains of our story: four rats who run a competing restaurant in Rio who constantly eat at Ratatoing in hopes of discovering the secret to it's wonderful food (but why eat there then? You're literally giving your money to your competition!). They fail to gather information from Otavio and go off in a huff when the restaurant closes for the night. But Otavio, being the stock moron he is, leaves the door to the restaurant open...
Meanwhile we see our 3 main rats prepare to embark on their weekly mission to get new ingredients for their disgusting and misleadingly-named dishes (a pair of rats ordered chocolate sponge cake with ice cream and biscuit bran, but I saw no cake or bran when Carol was taking the order out) by dressing in secret agent gear (and by that I mean helmets and grappling hooks) in order to infiltrate a human kitchen. It is here that they steal ingredients to create their majestic dishes.
What happens after the evil rats discover this I dare not reveal, lest I spoil this masterpiece of cinema for you. Okay, I'd be able to review the rest if I didn't pass out halfway through from it's boring storyline. Bottom line, the rats get more food. Can I just get done with Video Briquendo already? Thanks.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
...Come on, please. I just want to get through my anniversary month. Cut me some slack.
...There's no getting out of this, is there?
I thought not.
So yeah, we're continuing my 1-year anniversary descent into cinema's depths with a look at- surprise- another film from Video Briquendo, or as I like to call them, my poorly animated private hell. This time the film getting torn apart by this horrendous company is the classic cooking film Ratatouille. And as much as I loved The Princess And The Frog, I have a soft spot for Ratatouille. The original film, about a rat in Paris with marvelous cooking skills who helps turn a bumbling chef into a culinary all-star, was a decent flick with amazing imagery of the city of love and a fantastic cast of characters. One scene in particular that stands out comes from a food critic at the end (hey criticism buddy!), who delivers a quote so brilliantly written I could watch it over and over without any regrets.
But the Video Briquendo version has none of the charm or joy of the original. Gone are the character traits and quotes we value, gone is the brilliant animation, and gone is my sanity from sitting through this dog's anus of a butchering. So hold on to your lunch- you'll probably lose your appetite from a showing of Ratatoing.
The film opens with a poorly-written narration about a restaurant in Rio De Janiero, known as Ratatoing, where renowned rat chef Marcell Toing creates the most delicious cuisine available for the most civilized rats in the world. His waitstaff includes Carol, a pink rat waitress with the voice of Amy Rose from Sonic X (who somehow manages to be even MORE annoying than Amy), Otavio, the waiter who has no personality traits but being the waiter, and Greg, the green rat who's job at the restaurant seems to be to stand in the kitchen and say ¨Precisely¨ a lot. These rats carefully attend to each of their customers, all of whom manage to be incredibly badly animated and have terrible voice acting to match. We get some discussion going on in the restaurant about how amazing the food is- and I assume I would have a little more tolerance for this group of discussions if it didn't take up A FOURTH OF THE FREAKING MOVIE.
Like most rip-offs, this film not only manages to shorten the film's running time by half, but manages the incredible task of spending 11 minutes of it's 45-minute running time doing absolutely nothing but having the customers drone on about how fantastic Marcell's food is, even repeating the same speech 3 times over that course.
After that little scene, we see that one of the tables is home to the villains of our story: four rats who run a competing restaurant in Rio who constantly eat at Ratatoing in hopes of discovering the secret to it's wonderful food (but why eat there then? You're literally giving your money to your competition!). They fail to gather information from Otavio and go off in a huff when the restaurant closes for the night. But Otavio, being the stock moron he is, leaves the door to the restaurant open...
Meanwhile we see our 3 main rats prepare to embark on their weekly mission to get new ingredients for their disgusting and misleadingly-named dishes (a pair of rats ordered chocolate sponge cake with ice cream and biscuit bran, but I saw no cake or bran when Carol was taking the order out) by dressing in secret agent gear (and by that I mean helmets and grappling hooks) in order to infiltrate a human kitchen. It is here that they steal ingredients to create their majestic dishes.
What happens after the evil rats discover this I dare not reveal, lest I spoil this masterpiece of cinema for you. Okay, I'd be able to review the rest if I didn't pass out halfway through from it's boring storyline. Bottom line, the rats get more food. Can I just get done with Video Briquendo already? Thanks.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Critical Frog- The Frog Prince
Seeing as how this month is the frog blog's first anniversary, I thought the time had finally come to review a film involving one of my amphibious kin- a frog, toad or the like. I searched high and low, far and wide to find a terrible film that disgraces the frog race, and lo and behold, I discovered one. But before I get to the actual film, I have to discuss the company that created it- Video Briquendo.
Yes, who could forget the kings of terrible film known as Video Briquendo? Who could possibly forget their classic 'original' films that yanked everything fun out of classics and just turned them into cash grabs? Does anybody remember ¨The Little Panda Fighter¨? No? Perhaps ¨Ratatoing¨? Still nothing? Okay, you'll remember this one: the classic ¨What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue¨. Not even a thought? Well then, god bless you. For those of you blessed without knowledge of this company, Iĺl give you the basics:
This South American film company has earned a small amount of money by the business strategy of ripping off successful Disney films and hoping confused parents and grandparents pick up the rip-offs instead of the original. And considering each of these films is horrendous, everybody loses. Kids lose because they can't see the actual film, parents lose money on a rip-off, and I lose for having to review films from the company. And sadly, today's reviewed film isn't any different.
Yes, Video Briquendo's knockoff of The Princess And The Frog is my choice for the horrid frog-based film, and for good reason: the animation is crap, the story is dull, and the voices sound so bad even Bane would be calling them out ( You think bad films are your ally. But you merely adopted the bad film; I was born into it, molded by it....) . While the original Princess And The Frog is a sweet comedy with great scenes, catchy songs and a pretty cool villain in Dr. Facilier, this film has... absolutely nothing to mention. Although in this case, the charming Prince Naveen and his wish to life the high life again are replaced with the simple desire to.... get laid. Can I just get on with the review? Please?
I wish I could, but there really isn't much to talk about. The film begins with the king talking to his daughter (at least, I assume he's talking, because his mouth isn't moving) about marrying to become queen, and the princess being defiant and stomping around the castle.
The frog then comes up pretending to be a nature spirit, and gives the princess advice on how to refuse lovers. After refusing too many, the king and his unmoving mouth (or is it his beard?) issue an ultimatum to his daughter- she must marry the first person who talks to her outside of the castle.
The princess tries her best not to go outside, but is tricked by her father into going for a walk with a suitor from a neighboring kingdom. He talks to her, but for some reason she doesn't answer. When she reenters the castle it is revealed that she only couldn't marry because she wasn't listening in the first place, therefore somehow cancelling out the suitor's talking (logic!).
And, to be honest, practically all of the film is like this: The king tries to marry off his daughter and she refuses with advice from the frog, all while he constantly asks for a kiss. Of course, we ALL know what's going to happen at the end, so Iĺl cut to the chase: the king issues an ultimatum which causes the princess to marry the dictator of the kingdom (but this is a monarchy, not a dictatorship), an old fart who appears to hate women for no reason. Naturally, the princess doesn't want to marry him, clearly not seeing the high points of this (he's obviously rich, and he's going to croak soon- no pun intended- so she'd get all his stuff).
So the frog convinces the princess to come outside, and surprisingly, ends up tricking her into listening, thus forcing her to marry the frog. Of course, the frog turns into a prince, and they apparently live happily (but not honestly) ever after. Blah blah blah.
OVERALL RATING: 1/10
---------------------------
Bad bad bad. Enough said. Voice acting is garbage, animation is garbage and the story is a heap of garbage. Want a good film involving my amphibious brothers? Try spending a little extra and picking up The Princess And The Frog. That one's got a memorable villain, some great songs (am I the only person who really liked "Dig A Little Deeper"?) and a much better setup-and payoff-than this junk.
Yes, who could forget the kings of terrible film known as Video Briquendo? Who could possibly forget their classic 'original' films that yanked everything fun out of classics and just turned them into cash grabs? Does anybody remember ¨The Little Panda Fighter¨? No? Perhaps ¨Ratatoing¨? Still nothing? Okay, you'll remember this one: the classic ¨What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue¨. Not even a thought? Well then, god bless you. For those of you blessed without knowledge of this company, Iĺl give you the basics:
This South American film company has earned a small amount of money by the business strategy of ripping off successful Disney films and hoping confused parents and grandparents pick up the rip-offs instead of the original. And considering each of these films is horrendous, everybody loses. Kids lose because they can't see the actual film, parents lose money on a rip-off, and I lose for having to review films from the company. And sadly, today's reviewed film isn't any different.
Yes, Video Briquendo's knockoff of The Princess And The Frog is my choice for the horrid frog-based film, and for good reason: the animation is crap, the story is dull, and the voices sound so bad even Bane would be calling them out ( You think bad films are your ally. But you merely adopted the bad film; I was born into it, molded by it....) . While the original Princess And The Frog is a sweet comedy with great scenes, catchy songs and a pretty cool villain in Dr. Facilier, this film has... absolutely nothing to mention. Although in this case, the charming Prince Naveen and his wish to life the high life again are replaced with the simple desire to.... get laid. Can I just get on with the review? Please?
I wish I could, but there really isn't much to talk about. The film begins with the king talking to his daughter (at least, I assume he's talking, because his mouth isn't moving) about marrying to become queen, and the princess being defiant and stomping around the castle.
The frog then comes up pretending to be a nature spirit, and gives the princess advice on how to refuse lovers. After refusing too many, the king and his unmoving mouth (or is it his beard?) issue an ultimatum to his daughter- she must marry the first person who talks to her outside of the castle.
The princess tries her best not to go outside, but is tricked by her father into going for a walk with a suitor from a neighboring kingdom. He talks to her, but for some reason she doesn't answer. When she reenters the castle it is revealed that she only couldn't marry because she wasn't listening in the first place, therefore somehow cancelling out the suitor's talking (logic!).
And, to be honest, practically all of the film is like this: The king tries to marry off his daughter and she refuses with advice from the frog, all while he constantly asks for a kiss. Of course, we ALL know what's going to happen at the end, so Iĺl cut to the chase: the king issues an ultimatum which causes the princess to marry the dictator of the kingdom (but this is a monarchy, not a dictatorship), an old fart who appears to hate women for no reason. Naturally, the princess doesn't want to marry him, clearly not seeing the high points of this (he's obviously rich, and he's going to croak soon- no pun intended- so she'd get all his stuff).
So the frog convinces the princess to come outside, and surprisingly, ends up tricking her into listening, thus forcing her to marry the frog. Of course, the frog turns into a prince, and they apparently live happily (but not honestly) ever after. Blah blah blah.
OVERALL RATING: 1/10
---------------------------
Bad bad bad. Enough said. Voice acting is garbage, animation is garbage and the story is a heap of garbage. Want a good film involving my amphibious brothers? Try spending a little extra and picking up The Princess And The Frog. That one's got a memorable villain, some great songs (am I the only person who really liked "Dig A Little Deeper"?) and a much better setup-and payoff-than this junk.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Frog Announcement: 1-Year Frogiversary
Hey everybody! Thank you all SO much- through your continued support (all 7 of you) and my constant drive, I've managed to keep the blog going for a year! And to celebrate, I'll be taking a look at the WORST film company of all time and some of it's... masterpieces. Hold on to your party hats- we're heading into Video Briquendo territory STARTING OCTOBER 8!
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