It's the first anniversary of my blog. Whoop-de-fecking doo.
I imagine you all want something special for helping me carry the blog this far. Maybe a party? Would you like a party? One with cake and candy and punch and that sort of thing? Well, tough. Nobody gets a party here until I put my most hated film of all time to rest. That's right, because this film is riding my behind, I'm going to ride yours and put the celebration on hold until this is all sorted out. If the dungeon master ain't happy, then ain't nobody happy, son. But on with the review.
I remember when I was little, back in the early 2000s, when a nintendo DS was considered the greatest advance in technology and Blockbuster was still a thing. My dad would always take me to the rental place to pick out a DVD for me to watch while he slept. And practically every time, I went for the same DVD: George Of The Jungle, or as I like to call it, My Childhood.
George Of The Jungle was a simple guy, a parody of Tarzan who commonly crashed into trees while swinging on vines. And for some reason, he was amazing.
I freaking loved this film when I was little, and looking back on it now, I can see why: of all the films based on older cartoons that inevitably ended up flopping, George Of The Jungle seemed like the film with the least chance of success. But, interestingly, it turned out pretty well: Brendan Frasier as George delivered a goofy but enjoyable performance, and the rest of the cast followed suit, creating a unique sense of humor mixed with delightful comedy (and the best narrator in the history of film) and overall a surprisingly good film (Roger Ebert went as far as to give it 3 out of 4 stars). The fourth-wall references and reoccurring jokes actually work in a parody like this, and combine with the humorous cast and visuals to create a sense of comedic mastery. While I wouldn't go as far as to call it a masterpiece, Id be more than happy to say that it's a fairly good film and a decent way to kill some time if you want a few laughs. There are some genuinely good lines in the movie as well, whether they be touching or funny.
And then, numerous years later, a new film came along to place a stain on the legacy of my favorite childhood film. This, my friends, is the absolute worst sequel of all time, and it is known as George Of The Jungle 2.
It's rather curious how a sequel can ruin the legacy of the original with nothing more but a change of actors and the addition of poop jokes. Although most of the first film took place in the jungle, there weren't many dirty jokes: sure, there was one here or there (¨Bad guy falls in poop- classic bit of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we all throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?¨ ¨Ready! AHAHAHAHA!), but for the most part it was pretty tame (except for the castration joke). But here, dirty jokes are thrown around like Zug-Zug in the finale. This film was so bad and such a dumb idea that they couldn't even get most of the original actors back- there's a new George, a new Ursula, and even a new Shep (George's pet elephant, who for some reason they didn't apply the same CGI to- heck, he looks worse in the sequel). What was the point of this film if not even the original actors wanted anything to do with it? I have no idea, but this has bothered me my entire life- and to fully become a critic, I must face my fear and watch this once more. Grab your shovel and rain coat- we're heading into the biggest pile of Zug-Zug I've ever seen.
The sequel opens with a short animated bit with a refrain of that famous catchy theme song as George abd his new son get into mischief. We then see, in real life, that George has been replaced by a new actor. Let me give you my reaction to the first time I saw this scene:
¨Ahh! That's not George! Ursula! That's not your jungle husband!" (sees Ursula) And that's not Ursula either! Shep, who are these people? (sees terrible CGI Shep) Ahhhhhh! That's not Shep either! It's all a lie!¨
(sits in the corner crying and cradles a stuffed animal)
So yeah, it's a bit of a surprise to see entirely different actors playing these characters. At least New George looks somewhat like the original- I guess that's something. New Ursula, on the other hand, only has the hair down. Everything else is wrong.
The doppelgangers spend some time messing around in the jungle before Ursula's mother arrives and attempts to convince Ursula to move back to the city with her son. She refuses and the mother goes off in a huff.
After more pointless jungle gags, we see the main plot surface: George's jungle brother Ape goes bankrupt in Las Vegas (no mention of how he got to Vegas and gambled in the first place, but I have a feeling anybody can gamble in Vegas), and George needs to get him back for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, Ursula's mother and Ursula's ex-fiance Lyle conspire to hypnotize her to love Lyle again. And this brings me to my second major issue of the film:
It never really explains what happened between the first film and the second. At the end of the original George, Lyle is revealed to have joined a romance cult and is authorized to perform marriages. He kidnaps Ursula and drags her into a cave to marry. But due to a trick by George and Ape, he ends up marrying himself to a gorilla instead. If Lyle is married now, to a gorilla or otherwise, why can't he just grab her and force a marriage? Can you even do that if you're already married? Maybe he divorced the gorilla, I dunno.
Also bothersome is the topic of Ursula's mother. At the end of film 1, she was fine with her daughter marrying a jungle man, though being extremely disappointed. And now that they have a son, what reason does she have to remove the kid or her stepson from their home? What makes her think she's the authority on proper environment for animals and people? I think Ape put it best in film 1:
"Ma'am, I knew Jane Goodall. And you are no Jane Goodall."
So back to the plot (if you can call it that): George rescues Ape from the Las Vegas strip along with a random kangaroo (because kangaroos have a place in a film about the jungle) while the villains recruit Ursula's old friends to convince her to leave her husband and marry Lyle. (When these three girls enter, they are greeted and called angels by a man named Charlie- because every little kid's gonna get that joke) When their persuasion doesn't work, the group decides to hire a hypnotist after watching him force a lactose-intolerant woman to eat bowls of ice cream (whoopsies). He succeeds in hypnotizing Ursula for the time being, then telling Lyle that the first person she kisses will be the love of her life permanently.
On top of this, two of Ursula's mom's henchmen seek to bulldoze the jungle (although George is in the city and so is Ursula- why destroy the jungle if what you want to destroy is right here?). After getting up to a skyline and swinging into a tower, Ape says something odd: "You didn't think that we would miss this parody, did you?"So this city version of the joke that pioneered this film is considered a parody now? There's a fine line between using a joke and parodying it, and just taking the joke out of context doesn't turn it into a parody.
So before the climax of the film, I think I should mention the side plot about the evil lion who wants to challenge George's rule of the jungle. Did I mention that?
Yeah, this entire time the jungle has been in danger. You see, the lion from the first film has decided he wants to control the Jungle for no apparent reason, and George has to stop him along with all the trouble he's going through now.
Now in the first film, the lion isn't really seen as a villain: he appears near Lyle and Ursula scaring them before Lyle runs off and George saves her. George lets the lion go and as a thanks, the lion turns up later to help with another issue in the film. That issue is a cute scene where a little monkey is being excluded by the group and George helps him. The little monkey shrieks at the lion, who pretends to be scared and slinks away with a wink to George, sort of like a "my debt is repaid" wink and earning Little Monkey the respect of the pack. Now what reason does the lion have to want the jungle? We saw in the first film that given the chance, George can kick the lion's ass in physical combat. Assuming George and the lion have no qualms now and are both friends of Little Monkey, what reason is there for this plot point? I have no idea.
So finally, after getting a tip from Brendan Frasier about what's going on (no joke, that's actually what the narrator says), the gang heads back to the jungle, where Lyle and Ursula and her mom are waiting. We see that bulldozers have arrived to plow down the jungle and that the animals are trying their best to stop them. George rushes to help, but the lion blocks his way. They get into a fight and George ends up killing the lion, thus ending his entirely pointless reign as king.
As the animals ram and push and throw Zug-Zug (poop) at the dozers, George works to take them down, but to no avail. All seems lost until allies appear- Little Monkey, now the leader of his group, and George Junior, his son. They all work together and destroy the machines, Ursula's Mom is defeated and George kisses her daughter, breaking the spell and ensuring their love. Lyle attempts to stop them, but is grabbed and carried off by a giant cartoon hand in the sky. No joke.
Apparently, the narrator has had enough of this mother-bleeping Lyle in this mother-bleeping movie and removes him from it. This annoys me because the Narrator never really got involved in the plot in the first film- mainly heckling from the sidelines and quipping about the situation- but never really taking physical action- thus destroying the only other two characters I enjoyed in this film. George and Ursula remarry and live happily ever after. At least SOMEBODY'S happy about this.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
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Have you ever heard the song "The Straight Razor Cabaret" by Aurielo Voltaire? (If not, go look it up. It's pretty cool) It's about a man people call Straight Razor who runs a cabaret show. If you don't laugh and smile at his show, then he takes out a knife and slashes your facial muscles in a way that locks your mouth into a smile. As the song goes, "There's nothing he hates more than a stick in the mud.".
If it was between watching this film one more time or visiting the Straight Razor Cabaret with a permanent frown on my face, I'd say bring on the cabaret. Even Straight Razor's knife would pale in comparison to the pain I felt watching this.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it: I really freaking hate this film. Not because it's a pointless sequel to a film that didn't need one in the first place. Not because the jokes are corny and pointless. Not because it mentions Brendan Frasier for no reason so much it sounds like the film has a stick up it's rear end about him. Not even because of the terrible casting, or the CGI, or plot. In fact, some of the stuff I've seen is MUCH worse than this (I'm looking at you, Garbage Pail Kids). Those are all factors, but what really ticks me off is just what the original meant to me. That film was my childhood, one of the few things I can look back on and still enjoy, and probably my favorite kid's film of all time. And this film came along and took a crap on everything I used to love. You ruined the plot, you ruined the story, and you ruined my life. Good job, film. Good job. Your cauldron of boiling oil in hell is waiting for you.
But.....you know what? It;s kind of odd, but I actually owe something to this film. This abomination is what gave me my hatred for bad film. It's the first thing I ever really felt hate for, and to this day, I still haven't felt as angry at anything else as I did back then. This is the film that made me want to become a critic. In a way, it's not only the worst thing I've ever seen, but also the thing that made me want to expose it.
And now I finally put this film and saga to rest. Farewell, George Of The Jungle 2: my greatest enemy, but also my driving spark. I'm the Critical Frog, and I'm finally free.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
The Critical Frog- Equestria Girls: Rainbow Rocks
Well.... after my review of Equestria Girls back in the summer, I kind of promised I'd do the sequel when it came out. But sadly, once again, no theaters were playing it here in my lonely little city, so I had to look on the internet. But, through time and patience (AKA A Google Search), I managed to find it. So.... think the pony summer is over? Yeah, it is. But as any brony (including myself) can tell you.... any time is pony time! So grab your brony t-shirt and hug your stuffed animal (don't lie, every brony has or wants a stuffed pony) and get ready to rock!
We start with a scene unfolding in the human world, at a coffee shop where many people are arguing for some unknown reason. We are introduced to the villians Sonata and Aria and their leader Adagio, who apparently were once denziens of Equestria and need to find a good source of anger to power them. Suddenly, a rainbow blast appears and, seeing the signs of pony magic, they decide to use it to make the world adore them. And.... Epic theme song time!
During the theme song, we get a recap of the original film along with images of the human ponies playing instruments in sillouette, before introducing the final main character as... Sunset Shimmer?
In case you never saw the first film, Sunset Shimmer was the prime antagonist. She stole Twilight Sparkle's crown, acted like a big jerk at school and turned into a giant demon sorceress before being blasted by a blast of friendship. How exactly are they going to turn her around into a good guy? But on with the review.
We see people decorating banners for a music event (I assume, because all the banners have instruments) as SS tries to help. She is called over by the other members of the Mane 6 in human form (did I mention I find human Pinkie sort of attractive?) as they discuss the banner and engage in hijinks (Pinkie used frosting instead of paste) before Principal Celestia comes in and explains our setup for the evening: the school is having a Musical Showcase and everybody is stoked to help raise money, but when the Fall Formal of last year is brought up everyone shares a disgruntled look at Shimmer. Apparently turning into a giant demon and hypnotizing the entire dance is looked down upon (kudos to the film, though, for explaining it again).
Later, the girls are setting up their instruments and discussing the events of last year. Due to Twilight's intervention at the dance, the Mane 5 (sans Twilight) forgive her for her, as Rarity puts it, "Boo-boos" last year and welcome her as a friend. They then rehearse and we get a shot of all the girls on their instruments: Dashie on lead guitar, Applejack on bass, Rarity on keytar, Pinkie on drums and Fluttershy on rhythmic tambourine (taking percussion classes in the 7th grade, I can vouch that this is an actual musical point). The song plays out well while we see cameos and such, and somehow the ponies grow their horns, wings, ears and tails during the song. They try to unravel what happens and begin to argue over thigns before Flash Sentry enters and interrupts the argument. After he leaves, we get more discussions about Shimmer's reformation, followed by another short argument (Cough Cough Rainbow Dash) as Sunset Shimmer shows three new girls around the school: Sonata, Aria and Adagio, who then discover the showcase. Talk about a coincidence.
A few scenes later, these three enter the lunchroom singing about the Battle Of The Bands, which somehow hypnotizes all of the students into being extremely competitive and determined to win. Of course, the song is good, staying in critic mode....
Oh, who am I kidding..... THIS SONG IS AWESOME!
Say what you will about the easily identifiable villians, but they can really sing. This is a really intense, but somehow still calm song about competition that somehow manages to stick in your head after it's done. I love it. Somehow, the new Mane 6 is immune to the spell as they all suspect foul play. Of course, the principals disagree with them (possibly because they've so clearly been hypnotized) and the Mane 6 are on their own.
The group tries to contact Twilight Sparkle with a mystical book Sunset Shimmer has. With it, she is may be able to send messages to Princess Celestia. Cut to the newly-reformed Ponyville, where Princess Twilight and her pony friends are relaxing when an important message comes in- the one SS sent, of course. Twilight easily identifies these mysteriouis girls as The Sirens, who gain power through absorbing negative energy. They were then banished to the human world many years ago, where they just now surfaced for reasons unknown, probably due to the magical forces of plot convience.
Twilight invents a machine that will allow her to transport between worlds at will, and has to abandon her pony friends once again to avoid confusion. She takes Spike with her and again enters the world of fan service. We learn that Flash Sentry (who's band now includes two of the Big Lebowski ponies as humans) still has a crush on Twi, and that the girls can change forms when they play music because some of Twilight's magic remains in them.
The Mane 6 (7?) arrive at a party for the bands, hoping the Sirens will be there. Sure enough, they arrive and attempt to use the power of their friendship to stop the sirens, but to no avail. The sirens then spark the anger of the student body (and Trixie, because her overrexagaration is always funny) and while distracted, plot to find out what makes the girls immune while Twilight and SS plan to stop the Sirens by using a counter-song. Twilight is drafted into the band (while somehow Pinkie gets ahold of a theromin) as the lead singer, much to the dislike of Rainbow Dash. The girls have a slumber party in order to give Twilight a place to sleep for the night, but probably more to make an excuse to see the girls do random things: Pinkie updates her Facebook status, AJ and RD get carried away playing video games and Fluttershy strokes Pinkie's pet alligator (apparently Gummy is now canon in the human world). But try as she might, Twilight simply cannot write her counter spell (although part of it may be because she's holding the pen in her mouth). Sunset Shimer and Twilight have a short discussion about living up to expectations before it is interrupted by a cameo (Maude Pie, Pinkie's incredibly boring sister).
The next morning, the song turns out to fail (with another cameo) and the band begins to argue before being interrupted by a rush to sign up. This leads the gang to come up with a plan: because Twilight hasn't finished the song yet, Rainbow Dash will once again take control of the band to keep them in the battle until Twilight can finish. But Twilight is worried: will she live up to her friends' expectations?
So the Battle Of The Bands begins, the principals remain hpynotized and the Sirens absorb all the competitive energy in the room. We then get a montage of failed musical acts (Snips and Snails do a rap act) and then the girls prepare to go on with a small joke about Rarity's new outfit (must...hide...teenage boner). As the girls sing their first song (Shake Your Tail from the preview) many of the other acts attempt to sabotage them. Although, mad credit to the gals for keeping up an awesome song with both sabotage and Rarity crying.
The Sirens then perform at the battle and, let's face it, their music is still awesome. The odd thing is, they say they're still saving their best songs for last. I'm expecting something amazing. We get a montage during this about how the girls are arguing before their next match is revealed to be against Trixie. She gets a decent few lines of songs and gets some shots off at Rainbow Dash before it's the girls' turn to go on. Of course, their song is great, but Rainbow Dash hogs the spotlight and begins a small fight within the group after SS tackles Dashie to prevent the Sirens from seeing the rainbow magic. Of course, everyone sees it the wrong way and the group has a slight argument before the Sirens manipulate the principals into eliminating Trixie's team from the tournament. But as Trixie storms off, the Sirens get to her and she begins to go evil again. She tricks the Mane 6 and sends them down a trapdoor in the stage, then closing it off.
The group remains there until night, as the Mane 7 argue while Trixie plays a song in the background (I love it, of course). The 5 supporting ponies fall vicitim to the evil bug as their energy is slowly drained. As the energy flows into the Sirens and SS attempts to work out the band's issues, they begin their song to hypnotize everyone and release their true forms (basically girls withdragon wings).....
You all know what I'm going to say about it, don't you? Of course you do. I freaking love it. Moing on.
Twilight and Sunset Shimmer help the gang be friends again and Spike manages to break out the girls with help from an unlikely friend: the human Vinyl Scratch (DJ P0n-3), who is immune to the Sirens' song because she never takes off her dubstep-blasting headphones.
The group realizes that any song they sing with the power of their friendship works as a counterspell, and with the help of Vinyl's car that transforms into a DJ booth (don't ask) they work to outplay the Sirens' song with a song that releases their true friendship and enter an apocalyptic battle of music and epicness as the Sirens release giant dragons that are supposed to be their music's power, but they are quickly met by the Mane 6 with help from Sunset Shimmer (who, I have to admit, is a pretty good singer). They sing a song that allows Sunset Shimmer to reenter her pony/human form, which allows them to all work together and blow the sirens to oblivion with a giant magic unicorn blast. The Sirens lose their musical prowess and quickly lose the battle of the bands. Flash Sentry gets another romance scene in, Trixie makes another braggy joke and Sunset Shimmer is signed on as the band's new vocalist before Twilight has to go back. End of film.
Those of you who actually follow my blog may recall I gave the first Equestria Girls a semi-decent review. I said it had it's good points and it's bad points, but overall it was a decent film. So, how does number 2 stack up?
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
---------------------------------
Okay, it's a mixed bag like the first one. There are quite a few plot holes (how could Spike get Vinyl's attention if she always has her headphones on?) and a few missed opportunities (I'd love to have seen some of the season 4 characters as humans, like Cheese Sandwich if only to get Weird Al back into the MLP universe). But hey, whatever the bad points are, they're easily outshined by the fantastic song numbers: whatever Equestria Girls did in the musical department, Rainbow Rocks surpassed it tenfold. The songs are, obviously, the high point; every single one is amazing and catchy, and if the soundtrack ever comes out, I'd gladly purchase it without a second thought. I think if they make a third EG film, my advice would be to combine the basic high points of the original with the music of the second. Maybe then I'd be able to give a MLP movie more than 6 out of 10 without a sense of pandering.
We start with a scene unfolding in the human world, at a coffee shop where many people are arguing for some unknown reason. We are introduced to the villians Sonata and Aria and their leader Adagio, who apparently were once denziens of Equestria and need to find a good source of anger to power them. Suddenly, a rainbow blast appears and, seeing the signs of pony magic, they decide to use it to make the world adore them. And.... Epic theme song time!
During the theme song, we get a recap of the original film along with images of the human ponies playing instruments in sillouette, before introducing the final main character as... Sunset Shimmer?
In case you never saw the first film, Sunset Shimmer was the prime antagonist. She stole Twilight Sparkle's crown, acted like a big jerk at school and turned into a giant demon sorceress before being blasted by a blast of friendship. How exactly are they going to turn her around into a good guy? But on with the review.
We see people decorating banners for a music event (I assume, because all the banners have instruments) as SS tries to help. She is called over by the other members of the Mane 6 in human form (did I mention I find human Pinkie sort of attractive?) as they discuss the banner and engage in hijinks (Pinkie used frosting instead of paste) before Principal Celestia comes in and explains our setup for the evening: the school is having a Musical Showcase and everybody is stoked to help raise money, but when the Fall Formal of last year is brought up everyone shares a disgruntled look at Shimmer. Apparently turning into a giant demon and hypnotizing the entire dance is looked down upon (kudos to the film, though, for explaining it again).
Later, the girls are setting up their instruments and discussing the events of last year. Due to Twilight's intervention at the dance, the Mane 5 (sans Twilight) forgive her for her, as Rarity puts it, "Boo-boos" last year and welcome her as a friend. They then rehearse and we get a shot of all the girls on their instruments: Dashie on lead guitar, Applejack on bass, Rarity on keytar, Pinkie on drums and Fluttershy on rhythmic tambourine (taking percussion classes in the 7th grade, I can vouch that this is an actual musical point). The song plays out well while we see cameos and such, and somehow the ponies grow their horns, wings, ears and tails during the song. They try to unravel what happens and begin to argue over thigns before Flash Sentry enters and interrupts the argument. After he leaves, we get more discussions about Shimmer's reformation, followed by another short argument (Cough Cough Rainbow Dash) as Sunset Shimmer shows three new girls around the school: Sonata, Aria and Adagio, who then discover the showcase. Talk about a coincidence.
A few scenes later, these three enter the lunchroom singing about the Battle Of The Bands, which somehow hypnotizes all of the students into being extremely competitive and determined to win. Of course, the song is good, staying in critic mode....
Oh, who am I kidding..... THIS SONG IS AWESOME!
Say what you will about the easily identifiable villians, but they can really sing. This is a really intense, but somehow still calm song about competition that somehow manages to stick in your head after it's done. I love it. Somehow, the new Mane 6 is immune to the spell as they all suspect foul play. Of course, the principals disagree with them (possibly because they've so clearly been hypnotized) and the Mane 6 are on their own.
The group tries to contact Twilight Sparkle with a mystical book Sunset Shimmer has. With it, she is may be able to send messages to Princess Celestia. Cut to the newly-reformed Ponyville, where Princess Twilight and her pony friends are relaxing when an important message comes in- the one SS sent, of course. Twilight easily identifies these mysteriouis girls as The Sirens, who gain power through absorbing negative energy. They were then banished to the human world many years ago, where they just now surfaced for reasons unknown, probably due to the magical forces of plot convience.
Twilight invents a machine that will allow her to transport between worlds at will, and has to abandon her pony friends once again to avoid confusion. She takes Spike with her and again enters the world of fan service. We learn that Flash Sentry (who's band now includes two of the Big Lebowski ponies as humans) still has a crush on Twi, and that the girls can change forms when they play music because some of Twilight's magic remains in them.
The Mane 6 (7?) arrive at a party for the bands, hoping the Sirens will be there. Sure enough, they arrive and attempt to use the power of their friendship to stop the sirens, but to no avail. The sirens then spark the anger of the student body (and Trixie, because her overrexagaration is always funny) and while distracted, plot to find out what makes the girls immune while Twilight and SS plan to stop the Sirens by using a counter-song. Twilight is drafted into the band (while somehow Pinkie gets ahold of a theromin) as the lead singer, much to the dislike of Rainbow Dash. The girls have a slumber party in order to give Twilight a place to sleep for the night, but probably more to make an excuse to see the girls do random things: Pinkie updates her Facebook status, AJ and RD get carried away playing video games and Fluttershy strokes Pinkie's pet alligator (apparently Gummy is now canon in the human world). But try as she might, Twilight simply cannot write her counter spell (although part of it may be because she's holding the pen in her mouth). Sunset Shimer and Twilight have a short discussion about living up to expectations before it is interrupted by a cameo (Maude Pie, Pinkie's incredibly boring sister).
The next morning, the song turns out to fail (with another cameo) and the band begins to argue before being interrupted by a rush to sign up. This leads the gang to come up with a plan: because Twilight hasn't finished the song yet, Rainbow Dash will once again take control of the band to keep them in the battle until Twilight can finish. But Twilight is worried: will she live up to her friends' expectations?
So the Battle Of The Bands begins, the principals remain hpynotized and the Sirens absorb all the competitive energy in the room. We then get a montage of failed musical acts (Snips and Snails do a rap act) and then the girls prepare to go on with a small joke about Rarity's new outfit (must...hide...teenage boner). As the girls sing their first song (Shake Your Tail from the preview) many of the other acts attempt to sabotage them. Although, mad credit to the gals for keeping up an awesome song with both sabotage and Rarity crying.
The Sirens then perform at the battle and, let's face it, their music is still awesome. The odd thing is, they say they're still saving their best songs for last. I'm expecting something amazing. We get a montage during this about how the girls are arguing before their next match is revealed to be against Trixie. She gets a decent few lines of songs and gets some shots off at Rainbow Dash before it's the girls' turn to go on. Of course, their song is great, but Rainbow Dash hogs the spotlight and begins a small fight within the group after SS tackles Dashie to prevent the Sirens from seeing the rainbow magic. Of course, everyone sees it the wrong way and the group has a slight argument before the Sirens manipulate the principals into eliminating Trixie's team from the tournament. But as Trixie storms off, the Sirens get to her and she begins to go evil again. She tricks the Mane 6 and sends them down a trapdoor in the stage, then closing it off.
The group remains there until night, as the Mane 7 argue while Trixie plays a song in the background (I love it, of course). The 5 supporting ponies fall vicitim to the evil bug as their energy is slowly drained. As the energy flows into the Sirens and SS attempts to work out the band's issues, they begin their song to hypnotize everyone and release their true forms (basically girls withdragon wings).....
You all know what I'm going to say about it, don't you? Of course you do. I freaking love it. Moing on.
Twilight and Sunset Shimmer help the gang be friends again and Spike manages to break out the girls with help from an unlikely friend: the human Vinyl Scratch (DJ P0n-3), who is immune to the Sirens' song because she never takes off her dubstep-blasting headphones.
The group realizes that any song they sing with the power of their friendship works as a counterspell, and with the help of Vinyl's car that transforms into a DJ booth (don't ask) they work to outplay the Sirens' song with a song that releases their true friendship and enter an apocalyptic battle of music and epicness as the Sirens release giant dragons that are supposed to be their music's power, but they are quickly met by the Mane 6 with help from Sunset Shimmer (who, I have to admit, is a pretty good singer). They sing a song that allows Sunset Shimmer to reenter her pony/human form, which allows them to all work together and blow the sirens to oblivion with a giant magic unicorn blast. The Sirens lose their musical prowess and quickly lose the battle of the bands. Flash Sentry gets another romance scene in, Trixie makes another braggy joke and Sunset Shimmer is signed on as the band's new vocalist before Twilight has to go back. End of film.
Those of you who actually follow my blog may recall I gave the first Equestria Girls a semi-decent review. I said it had it's good points and it's bad points, but overall it was a decent film. So, how does number 2 stack up?
OVERALL RATING: 6/10
---------------------------------
Okay, it's a mixed bag like the first one. There are quite a few plot holes (how could Spike get Vinyl's attention if she always has her headphones on?) and a few missed opportunities (I'd love to have seen some of the season 4 characters as humans, like Cheese Sandwich if only to get Weird Al back into the MLP universe). But hey, whatever the bad points are, they're easily outshined by the fantastic song numbers: whatever Equestria Girls did in the musical department, Rainbow Rocks surpassed it tenfold. The songs are, obviously, the high point; every single one is amazing and catchy, and if the soundtrack ever comes out, I'd gladly purchase it without a second thought. I think if they make a third EG film, my advice would be to combine the basic high points of the original with the music of the second. Maybe then I'd be able to give a MLP movie more than 6 out of 10 without a sense of pandering.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The Critical Frog- Ratatoing
Guys, I really don't want to do this. Seriously.
...Come on, please. I just want to get through my anniversary month. Cut me some slack.
...There's no getting out of this, is there?
I thought not.
So yeah, we're continuing my 1-year anniversary descent into cinema's depths with a look at- surprise- another film from Video Briquendo, or as I like to call them, my poorly animated private hell. This time the film getting torn apart by this horrendous company is the classic cooking film Ratatouille. And as much as I loved The Princess And The Frog, I have a soft spot for Ratatouille. The original film, about a rat in Paris with marvelous cooking skills who helps turn a bumbling chef into a culinary all-star, was a decent flick with amazing imagery of the city of love and a fantastic cast of characters. One scene in particular that stands out comes from a food critic at the end (hey criticism buddy!), who delivers a quote so brilliantly written I could watch it over and over without any regrets.
But the Video Briquendo version has none of the charm or joy of the original. Gone are the character traits and quotes we value, gone is the brilliant animation, and gone is my sanity from sitting through this dog's anus of a butchering. So hold on to your lunch- you'll probably lose your appetite from a showing of Ratatoing.
The film opens with a poorly-written narration about a restaurant in Rio De Janiero, known as Ratatoing, where renowned rat chef Marcell Toing creates the most delicious cuisine available for the most civilized rats in the world. His waitstaff includes Carol, a pink rat waitress with the voice of Amy Rose from Sonic X (who somehow manages to be even MORE annoying than Amy), Otavio, the waiter who has no personality traits but being the waiter, and Greg, the green rat who's job at the restaurant seems to be to stand in the kitchen and say ¨Precisely¨ a lot. These rats carefully attend to each of their customers, all of whom manage to be incredibly badly animated and have terrible voice acting to match. We get some discussion going on in the restaurant about how amazing the food is- and I assume I would have a little more tolerance for this group of discussions if it didn't take up A FOURTH OF THE FREAKING MOVIE.
Like most rip-offs, this film not only manages to shorten the film's running time by half, but manages the incredible task of spending 11 minutes of it's 45-minute running time doing absolutely nothing but having the customers drone on about how fantastic Marcell's food is, even repeating the same speech 3 times over that course.
After that little scene, we see that one of the tables is home to the villains of our story: four rats who run a competing restaurant in Rio who constantly eat at Ratatoing in hopes of discovering the secret to it's wonderful food (but why eat there then? You're literally giving your money to your competition!). They fail to gather information from Otavio and go off in a huff when the restaurant closes for the night. But Otavio, being the stock moron he is, leaves the door to the restaurant open...
Meanwhile we see our 3 main rats prepare to embark on their weekly mission to get new ingredients for their disgusting and misleadingly-named dishes (a pair of rats ordered chocolate sponge cake with ice cream and biscuit bran, but I saw no cake or bran when Carol was taking the order out) by dressing in secret agent gear (and by that I mean helmets and grappling hooks) in order to infiltrate a human kitchen. It is here that they steal ingredients to create their majestic dishes.
What happens after the evil rats discover this I dare not reveal, lest I spoil this masterpiece of cinema for you. Okay, I'd be able to review the rest if I didn't pass out halfway through from it's boring storyline. Bottom line, the rats get more food. Can I just get done with Video Briquendo already? Thanks.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
...Come on, please. I just want to get through my anniversary month. Cut me some slack.
...There's no getting out of this, is there?
I thought not.
So yeah, we're continuing my 1-year anniversary descent into cinema's depths with a look at- surprise- another film from Video Briquendo, or as I like to call them, my poorly animated private hell. This time the film getting torn apart by this horrendous company is the classic cooking film Ratatouille. And as much as I loved The Princess And The Frog, I have a soft spot for Ratatouille. The original film, about a rat in Paris with marvelous cooking skills who helps turn a bumbling chef into a culinary all-star, was a decent flick with amazing imagery of the city of love and a fantastic cast of characters. One scene in particular that stands out comes from a food critic at the end (hey criticism buddy!), who delivers a quote so brilliantly written I could watch it over and over without any regrets.
But the Video Briquendo version has none of the charm or joy of the original. Gone are the character traits and quotes we value, gone is the brilliant animation, and gone is my sanity from sitting through this dog's anus of a butchering. So hold on to your lunch- you'll probably lose your appetite from a showing of Ratatoing.
The film opens with a poorly-written narration about a restaurant in Rio De Janiero, known as Ratatoing, where renowned rat chef Marcell Toing creates the most delicious cuisine available for the most civilized rats in the world. His waitstaff includes Carol, a pink rat waitress with the voice of Amy Rose from Sonic X (who somehow manages to be even MORE annoying than Amy), Otavio, the waiter who has no personality traits but being the waiter, and Greg, the green rat who's job at the restaurant seems to be to stand in the kitchen and say ¨Precisely¨ a lot. These rats carefully attend to each of their customers, all of whom manage to be incredibly badly animated and have terrible voice acting to match. We get some discussion going on in the restaurant about how amazing the food is- and I assume I would have a little more tolerance for this group of discussions if it didn't take up A FOURTH OF THE FREAKING MOVIE.
Like most rip-offs, this film not only manages to shorten the film's running time by half, but manages the incredible task of spending 11 minutes of it's 45-minute running time doing absolutely nothing but having the customers drone on about how fantastic Marcell's food is, even repeating the same speech 3 times over that course.
After that little scene, we see that one of the tables is home to the villains of our story: four rats who run a competing restaurant in Rio who constantly eat at Ratatoing in hopes of discovering the secret to it's wonderful food (but why eat there then? You're literally giving your money to your competition!). They fail to gather information from Otavio and go off in a huff when the restaurant closes for the night. But Otavio, being the stock moron he is, leaves the door to the restaurant open...
Meanwhile we see our 3 main rats prepare to embark on their weekly mission to get new ingredients for their disgusting and misleadingly-named dishes (a pair of rats ordered chocolate sponge cake with ice cream and biscuit bran, but I saw no cake or bran when Carol was taking the order out) by dressing in secret agent gear (and by that I mean helmets and grappling hooks) in order to infiltrate a human kitchen. It is here that they steal ingredients to create their majestic dishes.
What happens after the evil rats discover this I dare not reveal, lest I spoil this masterpiece of cinema for you. Okay, I'd be able to review the rest if I didn't pass out halfway through from it's boring storyline. Bottom line, the rats get more food. Can I just get done with Video Briquendo already? Thanks.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Critical Frog- The Frog Prince
Seeing as how this month is the frog blog's first anniversary, I thought the time had finally come to review a film involving one of my amphibious kin- a frog, toad or the like. I searched high and low, far and wide to find a terrible film that disgraces the frog race, and lo and behold, I discovered one. But before I get to the actual film, I have to discuss the company that created it- Video Briquendo.
Yes, who could forget the kings of terrible film known as Video Briquendo? Who could possibly forget their classic 'original' films that yanked everything fun out of classics and just turned them into cash grabs? Does anybody remember ¨The Little Panda Fighter¨? No? Perhaps ¨Ratatoing¨? Still nothing? Okay, you'll remember this one: the classic ¨What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue¨. Not even a thought? Well then, god bless you. For those of you blessed without knowledge of this company, Iĺl give you the basics:
This South American film company has earned a small amount of money by the business strategy of ripping off successful Disney films and hoping confused parents and grandparents pick up the rip-offs instead of the original. And considering each of these films is horrendous, everybody loses. Kids lose because they can't see the actual film, parents lose money on a rip-off, and I lose for having to review films from the company. And sadly, today's reviewed film isn't any different.
Yes, Video Briquendo's knockoff of The Princess And The Frog is my choice for the horrid frog-based film, and for good reason: the animation is crap, the story is dull, and the voices sound so bad even Bane would be calling them out ( You think bad films are your ally. But you merely adopted the bad film; I was born into it, molded by it....) . While the original Princess And The Frog is a sweet comedy with great scenes, catchy songs and a pretty cool villain in Dr. Facilier, this film has... absolutely nothing to mention. Although in this case, the charming Prince Naveen and his wish to life the high life again are replaced with the simple desire to.... get laid. Can I just get on with the review? Please?
I wish I could, but there really isn't much to talk about. The film begins with the king talking to his daughter (at least, I assume he's talking, because his mouth isn't moving) about marrying to become queen, and the princess being defiant and stomping around the castle.
The frog then comes up pretending to be a nature spirit, and gives the princess advice on how to refuse lovers. After refusing too many, the king and his unmoving mouth (or is it his beard?) issue an ultimatum to his daughter- she must marry the first person who talks to her outside of the castle.
The princess tries her best not to go outside, but is tricked by her father into going for a walk with a suitor from a neighboring kingdom. He talks to her, but for some reason she doesn't answer. When she reenters the castle it is revealed that she only couldn't marry because she wasn't listening in the first place, therefore somehow cancelling out the suitor's talking (logic!).
And, to be honest, practically all of the film is like this: The king tries to marry off his daughter and she refuses with advice from the frog, all while he constantly asks for a kiss. Of course, we ALL know what's going to happen at the end, so Iĺl cut to the chase: the king issues an ultimatum which causes the princess to marry the dictator of the kingdom (but this is a monarchy, not a dictatorship), an old fart who appears to hate women for no reason. Naturally, the princess doesn't want to marry him, clearly not seeing the high points of this (he's obviously rich, and he's going to croak soon- no pun intended- so she'd get all his stuff).
So the frog convinces the princess to come outside, and surprisingly, ends up tricking her into listening, thus forcing her to marry the frog. Of course, the frog turns into a prince, and they apparently live happily (but not honestly) ever after. Blah blah blah.
OVERALL RATING: 1/10
---------------------------
Bad bad bad. Enough said. Voice acting is garbage, animation is garbage and the story is a heap of garbage. Want a good film involving my amphibious brothers? Try spending a little extra and picking up The Princess And The Frog. That one's got a memorable villain, some great songs (am I the only person who really liked "Dig A Little Deeper"?) and a much better setup-and payoff-than this junk.
Yes, who could forget the kings of terrible film known as Video Briquendo? Who could possibly forget their classic 'original' films that yanked everything fun out of classics and just turned them into cash grabs? Does anybody remember ¨The Little Panda Fighter¨? No? Perhaps ¨Ratatoing¨? Still nothing? Okay, you'll remember this one: the classic ¨What's Up: Balloon To The Rescue¨. Not even a thought? Well then, god bless you. For those of you blessed without knowledge of this company, Iĺl give you the basics:
This South American film company has earned a small amount of money by the business strategy of ripping off successful Disney films and hoping confused parents and grandparents pick up the rip-offs instead of the original. And considering each of these films is horrendous, everybody loses. Kids lose because they can't see the actual film, parents lose money on a rip-off, and I lose for having to review films from the company. And sadly, today's reviewed film isn't any different.
Yes, Video Briquendo's knockoff of The Princess And The Frog is my choice for the horrid frog-based film, and for good reason: the animation is crap, the story is dull, and the voices sound so bad even Bane would be calling them out ( You think bad films are your ally. But you merely adopted the bad film; I was born into it, molded by it....) . While the original Princess And The Frog is a sweet comedy with great scenes, catchy songs and a pretty cool villain in Dr. Facilier, this film has... absolutely nothing to mention. Although in this case, the charming Prince Naveen and his wish to life the high life again are replaced with the simple desire to.... get laid. Can I just get on with the review? Please?
I wish I could, but there really isn't much to talk about. The film begins with the king talking to his daughter (at least, I assume he's talking, because his mouth isn't moving) about marrying to become queen, and the princess being defiant and stomping around the castle.
The frog then comes up pretending to be a nature spirit, and gives the princess advice on how to refuse lovers. After refusing too many, the king and his unmoving mouth (or is it his beard?) issue an ultimatum to his daughter- she must marry the first person who talks to her outside of the castle.
The princess tries her best not to go outside, but is tricked by her father into going for a walk with a suitor from a neighboring kingdom. He talks to her, but for some reason she doesn't answer. When she reenters the castle it is revealed that she only couldn't marry because she wasn't listening in the first place, therefore somehow cancelling out the suitor's talking (logic!).
And, to be honest, practically all of the film is like this: The king tries to marry off his daughter and she refuses with advice from the frog, all while he constantly asks for a kiss. Of course, we ALL know what's going to happen at the end, so Iĺl cut to the chase: the king issues an ultimatum which causes the princess to marry the dictator of the kingdom (but this is a monarchy, not a dictatorship), an old fart who appears to hate women for no reason. Naturally, the princess doesn't want to marry him, clearly not seeing the high points of this (he's obviously rich, and he's going to croak soon- no pun intended- so she'd get all his stuff).
So the frog convinces the princess to come outside, and surprisingly, ends up tricking her into listening, thus forcing her to marry the frog. Of course, the frog turns into a prince, and they apparently live happily (but not honestly) ever after. Blah blah blah.
OVERALL RATING: 1/10
---------------------------
Bad bad bad. Enough said. Voice acting is garbage, animation is garbage and the story is a heap of garbage. Want a good film involving my amphibious brothers? Try spending a little extra and picking up The Princess And The Frog. That one's got a memorable villain, some great songs (am I the only person who really liked "Dig A Little Deeper"?) and a much better setup-and payoff-than this junk.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Frog Announcement: 1-Year Frogiversary
Hey everybody! Thank you all SO much- through your continued support (all 7 of you) and my constant drive, I've managed to keep the blog going for a year! And to celebrate, I'll be taking a look at the WORST film company of all time and some of it's... masterpieces. Hold on to your party hats- we're heading into Video Briquendo territory STARTING OCTOBER 8!
Thursday, September 18, 2014
The Critical Frog: Half-Year Special REUPLOAD
(Guess what, everybody? I got the half-year special working finally! I know it's a bit late but better late than never. Or, when watching this film, better never than ever.)
It's the half-year anniversary of The Critical Frog, so I though I'd do something for everyone who's decided to follow me and make sure the blog keeps moving along.
I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.
So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.
I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.
The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.
The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.
One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.
Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.
Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.
The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).
Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.
After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.
Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).
So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.
Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.
Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason) rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.
After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.
My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.
But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.
It's the half-year anniversary of The Critical Frog, so I though I'd do something for everyone who's decided to follow me and make sure the blog keeps moving along.
I had a great plan for this. I was going to do an actual recorded video, and there was going to be a big celebration. I was going to buy everyone a drink, and there was going to be a party at a bar, and snacks, and a live musical performance by Voltaire...... but money was tight, Voltaire couldn`t make it and somebody ate all the snacks (burp), so long story short...no party. I needed something to do, and fast.
So because I talk about movies I've never actually reviewed a lot (like V for Vendetta, but that movie is SO GOOD), I thought I'd give everyone something special: one of the few movies I absolutely hate with all of my heart. Something that would make the great Roger Ebert CRY. I am, of course, referring to the abomination that is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
By god, do I hate this movie. I hate it more than pretty much anything I've ever seen (and bear in mind I watched The Oogieloves, Troll 2, and North), and by a large margin. I have NEVER seen anything as heinously wrong as this in my entire life, film or otherwise. In gamer terms, this is the E.T Video Game of movies. That bad. It's disgusting, immature, pointless, and stupid. Not even the moral works out in the end. This movie is so terrible that many popular critics assume it t be the worst movie of all time. Ouch. But let me stop complaining and get on with the review. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
The Garbage Pail Kids are a series of collectible trading cards featuring pictures of horrible deformed kids that somehow became very popular (honestly, I never really saw the big deal) . Apparently some movie director picked up a pack (probably while he was on LSD) and decided that these random, disgusting pictures would be excellent characters for a deep, plot-driven story. And so the idea for this abomination was born.
I can understand where they were coming from: card game movies get followings easily ( the Yu-Gi-Oh movie wasn't terrible, and the Pokemon series of movies continues to this day), but with a series like this, there really wasn't anything to build off of. Other card game movies have a story to build off of (like Pokemon's ongoing adventures of Ash Ketchum), but this has nothing but a bunch of ugly pictures. So rather than having something to follow, they went in a random direction, and the result? THIS.
The movie starts with a shot of space, where we see a garbage can flying through the cosmos. Presumably this is supposed to be the Garbage Pail Kids flying to Earth or something like that, but it's never explained. It makes no sense, but then again, neither does the rest of the movie.
The actual story begins when we see a boy named Dodger getting pushed around by a bully (who seems a lot older than Dodger) named Juice (really). They steal two dollars from him, because clearly they can`t get jobs and make money. Dodger goes to the store where he works (see? Even the KID has a job, bullies), Mr. Manzini`s Antique Shop, where he sees the owner (Mr. Manzini of the same name) and a large garbage can. The old man goes to clean up Dodger`s clothes (that`s not strange in any way whatsoever) and tells him not to go near the garbage can, lest hell be unleashed upon the world. But after seeing what`s in there, I`d actually go for the Hell on Earth.
One of bully Juice`s friends, Tangerine (seriously? Tangerine and Juice? These sound less like names and more like a grocery list), enters the store and comforts Dodger, who takes this opportunity to... sniff Tangerine`s hair. Okay then.
Juice and his gang of bullies enter the store to harass Dodger, who manages to avoid them with trickery (because as the world knows, bullies are dumb), but the mysterious can tips over in the struggle. Nothing appears to come out, so Juice and his gang do the most sensible thing at the moment- handcuff Dodger to a rail and open a sewage pipe on him (As a victim of constant bullying, even I have to admit that scene is WAY too unrealistic. Bullies are mean, sure, but they won`t freaking immobilize and dump crap on you). Dodger is saved by strange little people, who turn out to be the little demon spawns themselves, The Garbage Pail Kids.
Dodger and the disgusting children run back into Mr. Manzini at the antique shop, who seems pretty angry that the devil children have been released (perhaps he knew what was coming), but seems to have no problem with introducing Dodger to every single one of them. The kids are as follows, in a list organizing them by their stupidity and disgustingness. So basically, no order whatsoever.
-Greaser Greg, who looks like if Arthur Fonzarelli mated with Jabba The Hut (played by the same actor who does Winnie The Pooh, for some reason),
-Valerie Vomit, an ugly girl who can throw up on command,
-Messy Tessie, who`s name says all you need to know,
-Ali Gator, a human-gator hybrid with cannibalistic tendencies who is also the group`s leader,
-Foul Phil, a baby with halitosis who asks people if they are his parents,
-Nat Nerd, your stereotypical nerd who pisses his pants a lot,
And Windy Winston, who wears a hawaiian flower shirt and farts. That`s our all-star cast, played all by midgets in costumes. One can see why I hate these characters already.
The costumes themselves are disgusting: they are so poorly made and badly animated that they make me physically sick to my stomach. By the time I saw the hideous appearance of Nat Nerd, I wanted to vomit up my movie snacks (do you know how hard it is to get me to throw up ? I had to eat an entire carton of E. Coli infected blueberries before I started to feel sick, and even then I took it like a man-true story).
Mr. Manzini admits that he can`t get the demon spawn back into the garbage can and warns them that they cannot go outside, lest the be attacked by the "normies", a slang term that never caught on for "normal people". Naturally, the Garbage Pail Kids are going to break that rule.
After our first meeting with the living chunks of garbage, Dodger and Tangerine go to a night club where Tangerine literally sells the shirt off her back, along with other clothes she sells. Juice then shows up, forcing Dodger to run away lest he gets beat up again by the guys who make my childhood bullies look like pacifists.
Meanwhile, we see our adorable little scamps (I can think of 3 things wrong with that description), the Garbage Pail Kids, stealing a Pepsi truck and running over Juice`s car, while making a joke about being the Pepsi Generation (there you have it. Only ridiculous demon spawn drink Pepsi. Go Coke!). They later have a campout in the street with food they stole while getting drunk and making vulgar jokes. The next morning, they arrive at the antique store and give Dodger a jacket that they made, because apparently these disgusting monsters have a talent other than being disgusting monsters (they aren`t very good at making clothes, the jacket looks stupid).
So Tangerine notices Dodger`s jacket and compliments him on it, saying if he can get more clothes like that, she will sell them for him. We then get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids acting like jerks in society- ruining a perfectly good Three Stooges skit festival (even the 3 Stooges Movie was better than this), getting into barfights (which makes me doubt their age as I wonder how they got into a bar). The little demon spawn decide to make clothes for Dodger as they steal a sewing machine and other supplie, all while singing a song about teamwork. If this was a parody movie, I would appreciate the somewhat ironic song, but clearly this is no parody. The song was nominated for `worst original number` at the Golden Raspberry Awards (like the Oscars but for bad movies), if you needed more explanation as to why it sucks.
Tangerine meets the Garbage Pail Kids and thinks they look gross (thank god somebody else hates them), but realizes she can make money from their work: come the night when the clothes are to be in a fashion show, Tangerine locks the devil`s children in the antique store to keep them from interfering (which actually makes sense). But the evil bully Juice (apparently he`s still in this movie) imprisons the kids in the State Home for the Ugly, where people with slight deformities are left to rot, including Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi, and Santa Claus, FREAKING SANTA CLAUS, Because they are "too tall", "too bald", and "too fat", respectively. Really, movie? So people like Juice get to run free, but great world leaders like Gandhi are imprisoned due to a slight defect, that Gandhi had BY CHOICE (seriously, look him up before he was Gandhi. You won't be able to unsee it.). No wonder this world is so screwed up.
Dodger and Mr. Mazzini break the kids out of Ugly Jail (but for some reason leave the important people in there) and head to the fashion show to stop Tangerine's evil exploitation scheme. The group arrives, and the Garbage Pail Kids (for some reason) rip the clothes directly off the models , exposing their scantily clad bodies (not even the models look good!), while Dodger gets into a fight with Juice. Dodger wins the fight and the fashion show comes crashing down.
After the show, Tangerine apologizes for her greed and asks to be Dodger's friend. Dodger refuses because she used his friends and was greedy, leaving her alone. When Dodger arrives back at the antique store, Mr. Mancini tries to lure the Garbage Pail Kids back into the can they came from by singing their awful teamwork song In reverse, but the little demon spawn escape on ATVs (that they probably stole) and disappear into the night, promising more adventures to come.
My god, it was brutal to have to watch this again to give a proper review. Words cannot describe how much I hate this movie, and now that I'm looking at it as a full-fledged critic, I hate it more than ever. Let me put it this way: ever played No More Heroes 2? (If not, then go play it right now. I'll wait.) This movie is the Jasper Batt Jr. of movies: It's boring, forgettable, annoying, immature, and downright stupid.
But what bothers me the most about this movie is that the moral flops more than anything else: in a movie like this, the moral is definitely not to judge anybody by how they look, and more on what they are inside. But these kids are jerks on the inside, too: they steal, cheat, annoy, bite toes off people, and all sorts of bad things. Were we supposed to be rooting for these kids? If so,I was probably watching it wrong. I was rooting for Mr. Manzini- I was hoping he found a way to squeeze those little jerks back into that can.
OVERALL RATING: 0/10
I'm not saying anything else about this dung heap of a movie. Keep this in the garbage where it belongs.
The Critical Frog: Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie- Pyramid Of Light
Is there any way a film based on a game for children can't make money? If there is, I really haven't seen much of it.
Every time a children's game gets enough money, a film seems almost inevitable (the Pokemon series, for example has at least 18 films by now). But with something that already has a set-out plot, how can you tie a stand-alone film into the plot without disrupting some form of continuity? Beats me, and apparently it also stumps the creators of the Yu-Gi-Oh movie.
As a big fan of the card game (even hosting a club at my school), it only figures I'd be a fan of the original TV series. The show, about a teenage boy uncovering the secret of a magical artifact that gives him incredible card game skills in addition to an alternate form known as Yami, wasn't a terrific show, but it was fun to watch the cartoon characters duel and to see your favorite cards come to life in all of their glory. At least, it was awesome when you were younger.
Since then, the rules of the game have seriously changed. Monsters have gotten much easier to summon, cards have been banned, and deck types have allowed for new strategies than the spellcasters and dragons of old times. Practically anybody sporting a newer deck could run into the older series and dominate every duelist within a 50-mile radius.
Sure, the rules were BS at times, but it was still fun to watch. It was an all-around decent show with cool villains, decent animation and a sweet card game to go along with it. So naturally, when the marketing department hit it's peak, a film based on the game and series was produced.
I was a big Yu-Gi-Oh fan back in the day (still am), and so I jumped at the chance to see this film. I packed my deck, my Duel Delight flavored Bellywasher (does anybody remember these?), my duel disk and my box of Yu-Gi-Oh cereal (that's right- look it up), bought my ticket and prepared for the duel of the century, on the big screen this time. And....to be honest, it was kind of underwhelming.
Yeah, the ultimate battle between the pharaoh of ancient Egypt and his billionaire archrival Kaiba wasn't exactly what I expected. In fact, it was kind of weird, even by Yu-Gi-Oh standards (this is the same show that had a gay clown ghost). But we can't really discuss the show right now, so it's time to duel.... against an underwhelming movie.
So the main aspect of the film we need to discuss is the duels themselves. The first real duel of the film- Kaiba versus the incredibly flamboyant creator of Yu-Gi-Oh Pegasus- really got my hopes up- Kaiba interrogates Pegasus and challenges him to a duel for the only card that can defeat the three Egyptian God Cards that Yugi holds in his deck.
Right off the bat, this is a good duel by the film's standards- we get to see some of Pegasus's signature Toon monsters lay an early smackdown on Kaiba, only to discover that Kaiba's plan all along was to purposely get his own monsters removed from play to summon XYZ-Dragon Cannon (which is actually a really good strategic move from back then), destroying Pegasus's Toons and blasting him to his defeat. Kaiba searches Pegasus's collection for the card, only to find two instead. Pegasus insists there's only one card, but Kaiba doesn't believe him.
Back in the mainland, we see our main character visiting a museum exhibit about ancient Egypt (which is actually Ishizu Ishtar's, the sister of the man who once held the Winged Dragon Of Ra god card) and discovering the Pyramid of Light, an ancient artifact brilliantly designed to look like the Millineum Puzzle upside down, that is said to hold the spirit of the Egyptian lord of the dead Anubis, who Yami defeated thousands of years ago in a children's card game). But before they can truly uncover the mystery, Kaiba's little brother Mokuba appears and tells Yugi to go to the Kaibacorp stadium for the ultimate duel.
When Yami enters the arena to duel against Kaiba, I noticed that Kaiba's entire deck was differently styled. His major cards, his signature Blue-Eyes White Dragons, were there, but nothing else was. Yugi's deck was the same as always, with the exception of the god cards.
After only 2 turns, Yugi manages to summon his first Egyptian God Card (interesting to mention, he got it from a possessed mime)- Slifer, The Sky Dragon, also known as the weakest god card ever. But Kaiba, in an unexpected move, not only accepts the challenge, but forces Yugi to play all 3 of his god cards at once with Obligatory Summon, which does not exist (I'm just sayin). Then, he reveals one of the new cards he got from Pegasus: None other than a card based on the artifact we saw in the beginning, the Pyramid Of Light, which forces Yugi to remove from the game all of his gods.
Now one other thing I want to mention is the card packs that came with the ticket: that's right, you got a booster pack for watching. When I opened it, I saw the Pyramid Of Light, and I was disappointed to see that not only did it not remove god cards from the game, it ended up having something to do with "Sphinx" monsters.
I hadn't been to far into the film when I opened the pack- I had no idea what these "Sphinx" monsters were, and was really hoping to get a great card of destruction. Other cards included two monsters used by Kaiba once, and something called Watapon, which holds the record for being the most useless monster in existence at the time.
Yami's little boy host Yugi and his friends get sucked into the Milinneum Puzzle by the mysterious force of the Pyramid Of Light. As they search the puzzle for the secret of how to stop the Pyramid Of Light, Yami is in deep trouble.
Without his god cards, Yami is slowly being crippled by his opponent- his deck is shot down by a virus and his only hope rests with his new card- The Sorcerer Of Dark Magic. It quickly decimates Kaiba's dragons and stops his virus, clearing Kaiba's field. All seems to be turning in Yami's favor until Kaiba unleashes his new monster- and the star of the film- Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon.
This guy had the best animation I saw in the film- and also the best effects. His attack shoots up, he can choose what targets him and what doesn't, and even sacrifice himself to destroy anything on the field. Opening another pack (the theater lady knew me and gave me 5) I was surprised to see the Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon in the pack, but my heart sank when I realized you had to summon Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon (a card that's already insanely hard to summon) to play it, and it lost it's final effect. But on with the film:
Just when Kaiba can easily decimate Yami with a single attack, he decides to drag the duel out for as long as possible by using Blue-Eyes Shining's effect to destroy the Pyramid of Light, then planning to use Return From The Different Dimension (a card included in the packs, which to my delight actually did what it did in the film) to bring yami's gods back on to Kaiba's side and kill him with his own cards. It is, in his opinion, a perfect victory.
Too bad the Pyramid doesn't want Kaiba to have his flashy ending.
As soon as he uses the Shining dragon's ultimate ability, A large and slimy naked man appears behind Kaiba (don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis....) and throws him to the side before he manifests as the human version of Anubis, Yami's old rival. And I have to admit,no matter how unoriginal he is, he looks pretty badass.
Seriously, how come you never see this guy at conventions? I could imagine a great cosplay for him. He looks SO COOL, and yet somehow he manages to be the least interesting character in the movie. He has no real personality other than "Hey, I'm an evil guy who wants to destroy the pharaoh. And I have a pyramid."
Now that wouldn't be SO bad- Many movie villains have no real personality- but compared to the other villains of Yu-Gi-Oh, he lacks the motivation or hatred of the others. Pegasus wanted to resurrect his dead wife, Marik was abused by his father and has a demented dark side, and even Noah (from the awful season 3 of the anime) just wanted to live the life he never had. Anubis? Nothing. But he does throw Kaiba aside and finish the duel with the pharaoh on his own. You know the saying: if you want a children's card game played right, you've got to play it yourself.
Anubis unleashes his monsters- Andro Sphinx and Sphinx Teleia, massive beasts of impressive attack and defense that quickly overwhelm Yami's monsters (As Kaiba labeled them, a cream puff and an elf), leaving our hero at a measly 100 life points. However, Yami exploits a totally bullshit rule that does not exist and grabs Monster Reborn from Kaiba's graveyard, allowing him to revive Blue-Eyes Shining.
Back in the puzzle, Yugi and his friends discover the eye of Anubis, a magical artifact that when shattered, will break the strength of the Pyramid Of Light (how convienent) as the group overpowers mummies to shatter the eye and thus break the invincibility of the card, thus allowing Yami to activate the dragon's effect and blow up the pyramid once and for all, and the sphinxes along with it. Or does he?
Unfortunately for our hero, Anubis has one last trick up his sleeve: his ace card, Thinien The Great Sphinx, that can only be summoned when both of the lower sphinx are destroyed at once. And let me say, I was awe struck at this monster's power. Anubis feeds the creature all of the souls of the monsters in both players' decks (and Kaiba's for some reason), boosting it's attack to a massive 30000 and preparing to absolutely destroy his foe. Luckily, Yami and Yugi become one again and activate Kaiba's facedown trap- Return From The Different Dimension, allowing him to bring back all of the gods and fusing them together for a monster with unlimted attack, blasting Thinien to pieces and the rest of Anubis's health along with it. The Pyramid Of Light around his neck shatters as he is brought to his knees, and all that remains of Anubis is the eye in the center of the pyramid.
Just as everything seems to be ending, the eye starts to glow and Anubis becomes a badass giant dog demon with the intent to destroy the entire stadium and then the world. He reveals that all of the monsters in the decks are real now as Yugis friends try to guard him and Kaiba with monsters that easily get destroyed by Anubis. Pegasus, who appeared earlier, rescues Yugis friends and holds off the collapsing stadium with Toon monsters allowing him to escape. He reveals that yes, he created Blue-Eyes Shining, but the spirit of Anubis placed the Pyramid Of Light in his collection in hopes that it would be used.
Also worth mentioning, earlier in the film, Pegasus has my favorite line in the entire movie: when asked how he knows about the Pyramid Of Light and its mythos, you expect some kind of ancient magic backstory or saying knowing the guy (this guy used to have an ancient artifact shoved in his eye socket), but no:
Ï looked it up.¨
So anyway, Yugi realizes that if the monsters are real, so are their powers- including the Blue-Eyes Shining's abillity to destroy any monster. It sacrifices itself to destroy Anubis, shattering the eye and ending the film.
As a duelist, can I really hate this movie? I guess in a way, I can and cant at the same time.
OVERALL RATING: 5/10
---------------------------------
So its not the best movie. Definitely not. A lot of the main story is lost in the film, the cards are kind of lame (except for Return From The Different Dimension, which is used to this day) and there isn't really a lot to look at without raising more questions (Why didnt Ishizu ever tell Yugi about this artifact?).
But on the bright side, it does play out like an episode of the show: the duel is clean, although somewhat slow, the characters are true to their personalities, and the animation is pretty cool at times (especially in Blue-Eyes Shining and the cataclysmic ending). Overall, its definitely not a super film, but as a duelist, I can appreciate the good parts and loathe the bad.
But trust me, if I was in the film, I could wipe them all out. King Of Games, bitches.
Just when Kaiba can easily decimate Yami with a single attack, he decides to drag the duel out for as long as possible by using Blue-Eyes Shining's effect to destroy the Pyramid of Light, then planning to use Return From The Different Dimension (a card included in the packs, which to my delight actually did what it did in the film) to bring yami's gods back on to Kaiba's side and kill him with his own cards. It is, in his opinion, a perfect victory.
Too bad the Pyramid doesn't want Kaiba to have his flashy ending.
As soon as he uses the Shining dragon's ultimate ability, A large and slimy naked man appears behind Kaiba (don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis, don't look at his penis....) and throws him to the side before he manifests as the human version of Anubis, Yami's old rival. And I have to admit,no matter how unoriginal he is, he looks pretty badass.
Seriously, how come you never see this guy at conventions? I could imagine a great cosplay for him. He looks SO COOL, and yet somehow he manages to be the least interesting character in the movie. He has no real personality other than "Hey, I'm an evil guy who wants to destroy the pharaoh. And I have a pyramid."
Now that wouldn't be SO bad- Many movie villains have no real personality- but compared to the other villains of Yu-Gi-Oh, he lacks the motivation or hatred of the others. Pegasus wanted to resurrect his dead wife, Marik was abused by his father and has a demented dark side, and even Noah (from the awful season 3 of the anime) just wanted to live the life he never had. Anubis? Nothing. But he does throw Kaiba aside and finish the duel with the pharaoh on his own. You know the saying: if you want a children's card game played right, you've got to play it yourself.
Anubis unleashes his monsters- Andro Sphinx and Sphinx Teleia, massive beasts of impressive attack and defense that quickly overwhelm Yami's monsters (As Kaiba labeled them, a cream puff and an elf), leaving our hero at a measly 100 life points. However, Yami exploits a totally bullshit rule that does not exist and grabs Monster Reborn from Kaiba's graveyard, allowing him to revive Blue-Eyes Shining.
Back in the puzzle, Yugi and his friends discover the eye of Anubis, a magical artifact that when shattered, will break the strength of the Pyramid Of Light (how convienent) as the group overpowers mummies to shatter the eye and thus break the invincibility of the card, thus allowing Yami to activate the dragon's effect and blow up the pyramid once and for all, and the sphinxes along with it. Or does he?
Unfortunately for our hero, Anubis has one last trick up his sleeve: his ace card, Thinien The Great Sphinx, that can only be summoned when both of the lower sphinx are destroyed at once. And let me say, I was awe struck at this monster's power. Anubis feeds the creature all of the souls of the monsters in both players' decks (and Kaiba's for some reason), boosting it's attack to a massive 30000 and preparing to absolutely destroy his foe. Luckily, Yami and Yugi become one again and activate Kaiba's facedown trap- Return From The Different Dimension, allowing him to bring back all of the gods and fusing them together for a monster with unlimted attack, blasting Thinien to pieces and the rest of Anubis's health along with it. The Pyramid Of Light around his neck shatters as he is brought to his knees, and all that remains of Anubis is the eye in the center of the pyramid.
Just as everything seems to be ending, the eye starts to glow and Anubis becomes a badass giant dog demon with the intent to destroy the entire stadium and then the world. He reveals that all of the monsters in the decks are real now as Yugis friends try to guard him and Kaiba with monsters that easily get destroyed by Anubis. Pegasus, who appeared earlier, rescues Yugis friends and holds off the collapsing stadium with Toon monsters allowing him to escape. He reveals that yes, he created Blue-Eyes Shining, but the spirit of Anubis placed the Pyramid Of Light in his collection in hopes that it would be used.
Also worth mentioning, earlier in the film, Pegasus has my favorite line in the entire movie: when asked how he knows about the Pyramid Of Light and its mythos, you expect some kind of ancient magic backstory or saying knowing the guy (this guy used to have an ancient artifact shoved in his eye socket), but no:
Ï looked it up.¨
So anyway, Yugi realizes that if the monsters are real, so are their powers- including the Blue-Eyes Shining's abillity to destroy any monster. It sacrifices itself to destroy Anubis, shattering the eye and ending the film.
As a duelist, can I really hate this movie? I guess in a way, I can and cant at the same time.
OVERALL RATING: 5/10
---------------------------------
So its not the best movie. Definitely not. A lot of the main story is lost in the film, the cards are kind of lame (except for Return From The Different Dimension, which is used to this day) and there isn't really a lot to look at without raising more questions (Why didnt Ishizu ever tell Yugi about this artifact?).
But on the bright side, it does play out like an episode of the show: the duel is clean, although somewhat slow, the characters are true to their personalities, and the animation is pretty cool at times (especially in Blue-Eyes Shining and the cataclysmic ending). Overall, its definitely not a super film, but as a duelist, I can appreciate the good parts and loathe the bad.
But trust me, if I was in the film, I could wipe them all out. King Of Games, bitches.
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